BOO!!!!!

Its time once again for my favorite holiday of the year...well its not a "holiday"...but it should be. HALLOWEEN!!!
I love it!
I used to think it was the candy that made Halloween so great, then I grew up ( and out) and realized that ADULT Halloween it sooooo much better than the kids get it!

Of course there is the classics. Like everyone has to watch The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown special, and seeing the kiddies dressed up in their cute costumes it always a treat. Unfortunately in my neighborhood I stopped giving out candy 2 years ago because not only does my house get eggd every year by the little bastards, but 99% of them don't even bother to dress up!
OK, poor, sure, put a sheet over your head....of course in my hood that could be considered dressing up like the KKK!!
In any case, the worst is the crack head ADULTS that come to the door insisting that they are getting candy for their kid at home who is sick. Whatever!

I'm fortunate in that this year Halloween is on a Saturday so I can actually go out. When it rolls back to the week days I'm not sure what I'll do...that's 2 years form now. Maybe by then I'll live in a neighborhood where I can go back to decorating my front porch and giving out candy. I hope so.

Usually the night would be spent ( if going out) at Trackside, but since that marvelous hole in the wall has burned down as as yet never been rebuilt, Twains is apparently the place to be.

I hope we have a blast! I'm really looking forward to it and lets face it, I need a good night out.

Ahhhh Halloween!!
The one night of the year you can dress slutty and no one cares..in fact, its encouraged!
SO lets all have a great one and start the fall out right!!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN CHARLIE BROWN!!

Fall

Wow, its October. Where does the time go?
Last night I got up when I was about to go to sleep to put an extra blanket on the bed. Yep, its fall.
Fall is a great time of year in Georgia. Even though as a rule I'm not a huge fan of this city, the weather really is pretty nice overall.

So here's whats been going on....

In a nut shell: Football season has been great! Alabama has won every game so far and looks like a real fighting team this year. My weekends have been spent either preparing for, watching, or recovering from football Saturdays. We've spent a few games at Nancy & Shelleys house, one at my parents house, and last weekend was a party at my house.
It was a beautiful day. We set up the TV on the deck and had turkey chili that I made the night before. Everyone was cheering, laughing drinking and eating.
Even though there were a few people missing that I would have loved to have seen there, overall it was a great day. Really could not have asked for better weather or company.

The job seems to be rolling along too. Honestly nothing positive or particularly negative to report, and I'm thinking that's just the way this job is going to be. I'm glad and blessed to have it though so no complaints.

Socially Ive just been, well unsocial...wait, that's not entirely true I mean I do see people every Saturday for the games so I guess I'm actually more social than I have been in a while. It just doesn't necessarily feel that way if I'm just going over to peoples houses and not "out".

This weekend is an out of town one for the folks and we have the option of going up for the weekend. I was really pulling for one last pool day but it doesn't look like its in the cards. We've actually only had one since we've come back from the beach, which is unusual. Oh we swam at night the one time I was up there for football, but theres been only one last day of sunshine and laying out. I do miss that.

Its funny, I love the fall. The change of season, the leaves falling off the trees, and the cool weather coming in, but I miss summer. I never used to be a summer person but in the last few years Ive come to really enjoy it in spite of the fact that I am usually forced indoors in social situations due to the fact that I wear so many "foundation garments", and am usually roasting in any kind of heat. No shorts either in public. So what do I miss?

Well for one thing I really miss the pool days.
I love going to my parents house.Its private, and I can let it all hang out there. The sun feels great and I love swimming!
I look forward to opening pool day for months, and the season, although usually longer than most people have in Atlanta, is never long enough.

On the other hand, the fall is a great time too. Its as if we get a special gift for having to say goodbye to summer. I mean even if your not a football fan theres all kinds of things that go on from now until January.

Old man winter...January...
That's the time when I REALLY start to miss summer. Nothing to do, crappy weather and no holidays.
So lets not go there just yet!

Anyhooo, things are good. I'm happy and just trotting along it seems. Still working out in the morning, and working Saturdays in to the picture. I'm so glad Ive been keeping up with this routine, and a couple of weeks ago I got confirmation that it has not gone unnoticed.
I was out at Thinking Man, and more than one person that I have as friends on my Facebook page came up to me and congratulated me on getting up and hitting the treadmill at 4AM every morning.
It really made me feel great. There is still no great weight loss happening, and although I really want there to be I'm totally satisfied with myself at the moment.
These changes Ive been making over the past 6 months have definitely been slow, but I feel like because of that slowness they are here to stay, and that makes them worth waiting for.

So life rolls into fall and with it I hope my good fortune and great life continue drama free and with the glass very much half full. :)

Waking UP

It’s been a while hasn’t it. Seems like my posts are getting more and more spread out. Well its largely due to the fact that I used to always update things at work, and now with the new job it’s hard to do that. Not that I don’t have time, just I have a house full of people at my back looking over my shoulder and I can’t be “caught” doing personal things I guess. Oh I know people do them, I’m just in a position (literally) where I can be seen!

So here I am SNEAKIN!!!

So update on the beach. It was a great time. Beautiful weather and wonderful company. I learned a few things about a few people too, myself included.
There was a point when one of my sisters, who has totally changed her body and life, and is pretty much as miserable as ever, or so it seems by her attitude anyway.
She’s so self involved now that she is convinced I’m “jealous” of her.

Jealous of what? Well let’s see. She’s successful, thin, pretty, and just had a body makeover thanks to 18K worth of surgery. So yeah, on the outside I can see where she might think I would be jealous.

But she’s miserable. I mean really. She’s harsh. Her tone of voice says it all. She can speak 5 words and you feel like you want to back away.

AM I jealous of her? No. ………No. I can honestly say I’m not.

Also, I was really pissed at her for saying that at first, but now I’m glad, because it held up a mirror to my own life that I really didn’t see before, and guess what? I’m happy!

Do I wish I had more money? Yes, of course. Do I wish I had stayed in college and done something different with my life? Sure. Do I wish I had not gained back so much of the weight I fought so hard to lose? Of course!

BUT………..

I’m a totally different person than I was 9 years ago.

Oh She is as well, and I think in our own ways we BOTH have improved ourselves. She has physically changed, and worked very hard to do so.
I know how she feels right now, (even if she doesnt realize it).
Ive said this a million times...
When I lost all that weight before, I thought all my problems were going to be over. But they weren’t.
She thinks she is the expert at dieting…(and said so, literally), and throws her opinion about with venom without realizing it.
I never ONCE in the time that I was actually thinner than her (first and only time in my life) and working out all the time and eating differently …never ONCE did I throw a
“You need to be doing this….”
Type sentence at her, and that’s what comes out of her mouth all the time now.

No no! Don’t even TRY and disagree, or have your own opinion based on your OWN experiences, because “CLEARLY whatever YOU did before didn’t work”, and IIII ( ME ME ME ME ME!! HER HER HER!!) have ALL the answers.

You know what I say to that? Write a book honey.
You and the other 5 million people out there that have managed to find out what works for THEM will make bank. But the people that buy it will lose, and not the weight.

Am I jealous? No. As a matter of fact I’m almost inclined to feel sorry for her.

The unhappiness that she felt in her marriage has now turned into a bitterness from rejection of another man that she fell for. Now, unable to let that person go, she lashes out and judges others in spite of her pronouncing that she wants only for people to be themselves. It’s not true. She really thinks she knows best.

Well, I don’t know best for sure, but I DO know that over the past 6 months…maybe even 6 years or more, I’ve been slowly waking up, and I’m not done yet.

I’m very proud of myself right now, and whether anyone else can tell, I do exercise, and I AM working on myself. Maybe it’s not YOUR (her) way, but it makes me feel proud and good about myself, and frankly, after fighting this battle for over 35 years, I think I’m qualified to say what works for ME.

Also, I’m allowed to feel good about myself the way I am.
I don’t require to be a size 4 to feel like I’m a good looking woman.
OK, ok, I know the world at large…(no pun intended)...has it in for folks like me, and yes there are still going to be times when I’m sure that someone is making fun of me, even at this age.
It’s part of my life.
I still feel uncomfortable eating in front of people. Its somethg I struggle with every day. But Im working on it.
I don’t think I will EVER be thin. Healthy, yes, THINNER, yes. But flat belly skinny? Doubtful. Its not in my jeans....(ummm cause everything else IS!)

That does NOT mean I’m giving up to being this heavy forever. It just means I’m giving myself permission to be HAPPY with myself as I AM.

I finally think that’s OK.

Beach days!

Well its beach time again! This I hope will be decidedly better than last years tragic trip. Its hard to believe John has been dead for a year. How time does fly.

Ok, so as not to get on a morose line of thinking, I'm looking forward to this trip more than i ever have. Im not sure if its the job or what, but I need this vacation, and Im going to do my best not to let s few recent family irritations get in my way.

Also, Ive cleared 5 months of working out, 2 1/2 of which have included the upper and lower body work was well. Im really feeling great about it and have decided that Im just going to have to MAKE myself cut out food items when I get back from vacation.

It is extremely frustrating to know that what im doing in a "normal" person would be making them lose weight, and that Im going to have to really sacrifice some serious grub in order to make it happen for me. Yes, extremely frustrating indeed.

That being said, I'm still not going to go overboard, but I would like to see some results other than the 20 ish lbs Ive managed to lose and keep off since I started this back in April.

I feel stronger. I know that Ive gained stamana and muscle tone, although under the layers its hard to tell. I also know that muscle helps to burn fat, so hopefully in 3 more months I'll start to see some results.

I think the biggest point for me right now is that I'm doing it. Not since 2001 have I kept up working out this consistently, and I'm damn proud of myself. Even if no one believes me because I'm not showing it. Screw em.

This is for ME!

Bored....again....

Some days its better than others, then theres days like today. I'm sitting here at my desk, sneaking to type this. Just wishing I had something legitimate to do.

I'm so worried I'm going to lose my job.

Ive got 4 and 1/2 hours left. UGH.

Then tomorrow. What then?

I'm so bored I cant even think of anything good to talk about.

out.....

FRUSTRATED!

Frustration is setting in.

I come to work every day hoping that its going to be better. Some days it is and some days its like this. I’m sitting here doing nothing. Just like yesterday and the day before.
Already having asked the only person here that I can actually GET work from and being told nope, nothing for you, I’m SOL.

Not the case for Ms. J. She will be arriving in about 45 minutes, and will be busy from the minute she gets here until she leaves, and will likely leave work to be done for the next day.
I’m going to lose this job. I can just feel it heading my way. I’m terrified of being out there aging, in this economy it’s going to be hell.

It took me 3 years of sending out resumes to even get this one, and that was only because my sister knew one of the boss guys who works here.

Why did they even hire someone when clearly I’m not needed? I know why. Despite her claims that she “fought” to have me hired (or anyone) because she was SOOO busy, I think Ms. J is a put on. I think she works on things and does it slowly so she appears to be really busy all the time. Or at least it seems that way, so they thought she might need help. She says it was her idea. That she was the one who asked to hire another person. I wonder. I really do.
Was she not getting her work done? Is that why I’m here? Because for the life of me I just don’t get it.

Id say easily out of the 40 hours a week I’m here, 20 of those are spent milling about making up things to do for myself. 10 hours playing at the computer (like now) and 10 doing actual work.
At my old company when there was nothing to do at least I was alone and not being watched like a hawk by everyone in sight. Here I’m on display. If I’m idle it’s pretty much common knowledge.

I’ve been in fear of them figuring out that I’m really an unnecessary expense since about my second month here, but now I have a real reason. Last week Ms J told me to be careful not to let the big boss man, Mike, know that I wasn’t busy all the time. She said if he found that out he’d think I was not needed and Id likely lose my job.

My first thought. I KNEW IT!!! Everyone kept telling me I was being paranoid, but I don’t think so. Either Ms. J has changed her mind and doesn’t really like me enough to want to keep me here, or she’s figured out that I’m way more efficient than she counted on and really doesn’t need me after all.

Whatever the case, I’m really on edge.

Not only is it just annoying as hell to be bored all day in this place, but to watch her be busy, PILES of work on her desk, and not be given any of it even after asking over and over.….I just don’t know what to do. I mean I’m really trying to be a part of the team here. I want people to come to me with work because they know I can do it. Not wait until J shows up and then have her delegate it out like its some prized gift!

As you can tell, the woman gets on my nerves. For someone who is so sweet to your face I get the feeling she’s as manipulative as they come.

Then again maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m not being a team player and my shyness is getting in the way of people getting to know me, thus they don’t feel like I want to be part of the team.

*sigh*

I just wish I could have my old job back but with the benefits, and the work, needed to keep me there. I could have been happy there forever.

I told Sammie this morning in email that if I lose my job I’m just going to go into foreclosure on my house, file for bankruptcy and move to the Caymans’ with him. He can be my sugar daddy!!
I know much of the world is facing grim financial times right now, and I’m VERY thankful that I have this job even if I’m not really happy in it. I don’t want to lose it. I just wish I was able to be a real part of things instead of such an outsider. I’m afraid I’m never going to fit in here and it seems that’s a requirement to stay.

Looking back, and then forward

Every year about this time I tend to go back and look over my calendar and see what my body has been up to in the past year. Meaning have I lost or gained weight. I keep a dry erase calendar in my work out room where I record the daily activities and weight. On the side of it I have marked the start weight and end weight of each month throughout the year, and have kept the month of July up for the past 3 years. You know, just to see what I was doing in years past. What’s frustrating is that from what it looks like, even though I’ve only recently, (as in for 4 months now,) been really consistent and great about my work outs. Including the weight lifting and all that for just the past month now. So it seems that despite that fact I’ve stayed right where I am for at least 3 years.
I lose and gain the same 6 to 8 lbs a week. Losing it by Friday, gaining it back on Monday and gone again by the following Friday. I end up at my magic number about once every couple of weeks or within one lb of it. But I cat break through it.
Strangely I think my eating habits as of late have been worse that ever and I’ve gotten into some old habits that I had long ago dismissed. Like bread. I’ve always loved me some bread, but for years I never kept it in the house, only buying it for special occasions like a dinner party or something. Or even buying a loaf of low fat wheat and it would sit in my fridge untouched for a month or more, until I finally used it up on a random toast morning or something like that.
Lately, however, I seem to be overflowing with it. I took a good survey of my fridge yesterday and discovered not only am I laden with hot dog buns and the like, but I also have had a fresh loaf of sandwich bread in my fridge now pretty much every few weeks. Eating cheese toast or peanut butter toast has become a regular habit.
Also, chocolate.
I used to be a huge sweets fan as a kid. Breaking that habit as I got older and quitting the sugar bug altogether with my one time remarkable weight loss.
I didn’t really pick it up again until recently, and it all started with a chocolate bar I bought that was on sale.
Well, OK, maybe before that I was eating sorbet…chocolate sorbet. Fat free but full of sugar. Also, when Id go to my parents house Id always forage through the pantry for random cookies or chocolate. My dad has the sweet tooth of a 5 year old so there is always something around.
But the candy bar. I haven’t bought a candy bar in YEARS. I mean so far back I cant even remember. Yes, I’ve had candy bars here and there, but I used to get a friend or my sister Beth to buy them for me because I was too embarrassed. That is until about a month ago. I was in Kroger and having a craving. I passed the candy isle as I always do, but this time I stopped. I had to get some gum, and it just so happened that right next to the sugar free gum section was a display of fine chocolates that were on a close out sale. 70% coco, which is a lower calories dark chocolate, and one with cacao bits in it. I bought one.
I put it in my freezer and forgot about it for a week. That is until the weekend when I was buzzed and foraging for sorbet and came across it. I had one piece. An ounce, and it was marvelous!!
I thought, well, its better chocolate than a Hershey bar by far, and its lower in fat, and if I just have one ounce that’s not too bad as a treat now and then.
So the next week I went back to Kroger for my normal weeks groceries, and again while passing the candy isle I spied the same bar on close out sale. I thought, wow, well, these are a great deal and if I’m going to eat chocolate now and then id better get them before they are gone. So I did. I bought 5 bars.
It didn’t feel like I was buying candy though. More like I was buying baking chocolate. 70% coco ya know.
I didn’t gorge on them, but my once in a while treat was becoming an every day treat. The end of my meal at night during the week had a dessert now, and that had not been a habit of mine for many many years.
One ounce, sometimes 2. Calories about 200, and fat I think 8 grams. But add that up and that’s an extra 1400 calories a week. Sometimes more on a weekend when I was feeling frisky.
When those ran out I decided to give myself a real crazy treat. Somores. I haven’t had a Somore in years and thought, oh just this weekend after grilling out.
SO I got the marshmallows, the graham crackers, then Hershey bars. I think it was a Wednesday. When I got through with dinner that night I wanted one right then, so I had 4.
They were sickly sweet and familiar tasting, but really the sweetness was way too much. I ate them anyway and continued to have them every night until my package of graham crackers were gone.
I decided after that not to do that again, and to go back to the dark, less sugary chocolate.
Last week when I went shopping again the dark delicious fancy chocolate that Id been buying was finally sold out. I considered not getting anything, but decided on a different brand and got 2 bars.
Had a piece on Friday night. Eh, its OK. Not the same as the other though.
Also this weekend was spend having high fat foods loaded with carbs and calories. Hot dogs on white bread with chili and cheese Eaten at 3 AM and again Sunday afternoon.
I got on the scale this morning and have gained 9 lbs since Saturday. How can I gain 9 lbs in 2 days? Wait, really ONE day.
So I have to stop. I’m destroying everything I do week by week in a matter of 48 hours of overeating and choosing the wrong foods.
I do want to be healthy. I’m sick of myself the way I am , and I know I am going to have to give up things that I enjoy. There’s just no way around it.

I’ve never been a person that can have a little of anything.
For me, one piece of pizza is opened the door to eat crap again.
That’s what happened to me years ago. I had cut out all the bad cap, and when I finally started allowing myself to eat those things “here and there”, my once in a while became every weekend.
Self control. I have very little of that it seems. I’m just tired of being the fat girl in the room. I mean the REALLY fat girl. I don’t think I care anymore if I’m overweight, I just cant be this heavy anymore.
For years I’ve struggled with making myself exercise regularly again, and I really feel like I finally have that back again for good, so its time to tackle the other thing. Food.
I told myself when I started exercising 4 months ago that Id give myself a month and then start slowly chipping away the bad food habits. Instead of that it seems to have gotten worse.
Yep. Its time to jump in with both feet. I’m going to be miserable for a while I know. I just hope I can make myself do it.

We’ll see.