A Sockmonkees Guide to the Galaxy

New year new start..again.

2012-01-10T14:06:00.004-05:00

Looking over this blog for the last four years I have the same pattern of trying to start over again and again and never really getting anywhere.

Well, here I am again and I'm trying this time to do something different. I've committed, with my best friend, Andy, to not drink for the next 3 months and get healthy in general.

I have to say, this past week was not as easy as I thought in some ways, and much easier in others, but today is day 7 and I'm OK. I joined the Wellness Center again and have been every day since Friday...so 4 days in a row...wow I just realized that today will not only be my 7th day to be without alcohol...(which by the way is a big deal for me considering that I haven't gone longer than 5 days without it in about 20 years), its also the 5th day in a row of working out, which hasn't happened in years as well. I feel like that thing that clicked in me years ago when I lost weight has clicked again, but this time its just for me, and only me. I've been in therapy since June and today I really had a breakthrough.

This voice I hear in my head...almost like its another person, over the years has cooed me into making it OK to have what I want when I want and usually what I THINK I want is not really what will make me happy, but the voice says it will. So she told me today to stop trying to ignore the voice, rather to go into the voice, and figure out what I really want when its happening, and why its happening. Like, actually TALK to the voice.

Sounds nuts I know, and I feel nuts writing about it, but it sort of makes sense considering how much I talk to myself anyway!

As of today I've lost 8 lbs since the start of this, which for me was Wednesday the 4th. It was going to be the 2nd, but I drank all afternoon and felt like crap...then it was going to be Tuesday but after my therapy session the voice popped in my head and took over, telling me to go home and just have one more day of TV and "fun", and I listened to it..to me. and the minute I did I regretted it. So Wednesday morning I came clean. The house is pretty much free of all booze (there's still some special stuff laying around but nothing I'm tempted to drink) and I totally purged my cabinets and fridge of all the "bad" things.

This is a practice, other than the booze of course, that I used to do regularly and I have to say, when I saw the empty fridge I literally got a sense of clam and relief washing over me. Like a sigh.

The rest of the week and weekend went OK, although the voice did pop up a few times, only for me to shut it down. Then yesterday I really had a weak minute where I wanted to go out because of the BCS Championship game and Alabama was in it ( WE WON!! YAY!!) but typically Id be with my friends drinking for something like that, and I wanted to go. The more I thought about it the worse it got, like I was just obsessed with the idea to the point of crying.

I texted Andy, and told him what I was thinking about doing and he really let me have it, but in a way that made me look at myself. He left it to me to decide, telling me to have fun, so naturally I felt guilty and decided not to go. I worked out instead and felt the tension of the moment go away but still am freaked out by the level of ...well...freak out that I had over it.

I ended up watching it at home with Dave ( who never drinks) and we actually had a great time. I didnt even miss the drinking.

Today in therapy we discussed it and while there's no doubt that I have some level of addiction going on, the voice thing, which I've never really shared with anyone before, was the breakthrough. She told me to be the voice speaking to her as if she were me, and what did I want to tell "me". I didn't know at first then blurted out "I want you to be happy"...like tell you its OK to do this or that because its something you WANT and if you get it it will make you happy"...well maybe not that verbatim, but close enough. But knowing that most if not all the things that the voice over the years has told me to do have been bad things I know that's not the truth. but maybe in some way it is. Like in the morning when I get up and don't want to go to work, and I hit the alarm telling myself, Ill just be late. I hear the voice say...You know your going to call in. And I tell myself, NO I'm not, but then I do.

Or any number of things like that.

We kind of discovered its the child's voice in me that still wants what it wants when it wants it no matter what the consequences are, and also, like a child, doesn't really know what is good for it.

Like with food, especially as a kid dieting all the time. Id have fits of crying over not being able to have certain things until my mom would feel sorry for me and make me something, which would immediately calm me down.

Of course everyone knows about the theory of comfort eating, and I have always thought about that but not to this level. Or maybe I have but just didnt really GET IT.

I think today I GET IT.

So anyway, thats my catch up for now. Im pretty tired today and theres a lot more to go over from the past few months, not the least of which is the fact that I was laid off in August and have remained unemployed all this time.

I guess today Im good and thats what counts. 7 days. Who would think that 7 days would reveal so much about a person. Makes me wonder what I will know about myself at the end of 3 months. Hopefully it will be a good experience. I guess health wise, it cant be bad.

I'm just praying for the strength to get through it day by day.

Disappointment and starting over...again.

2011-07-26T13:05:00.003-04:00

Well, I finally had my appointment at Emory yesterday. It was a total disappointment.

First off, the six month diet plan is the general diabetic eating regime which I've been given over and over again in my life. I don't know what I was expecting, but that certainly wasn't it.

We sat through an hour or more of chatter about the papers they gave us that included our new guide to eating.

So yeah, a diet where you measure, and write every little thing down on a chart to give to the nutritionist next month to be judged. Also the time, where your eating it, and the mood your in when doing so.

Its annoying to say the least. Whats more annoying is being talked to like I'm a child not aware of what I'm putting in my mouth.

Look people, I KNOW that eating too much, not watching portions, eating carbs and snacking, fast food, booze...ALL of it are causes of being over weight. I don't need some woman in a moo-moo telling me that.

I guess the assumption, like with all Drs and people that aren't lifers like me, is that you wouldn't be fat if you knew proper nutrition. That just isn't the case. I know what to do, I just choose not to, or don't have the will to say "no" to those things I know I should stay away from.

I don't need another diet, I need a tool to help me FOLLOW the diet. Which brings me to the second disappointment. The VGS that I want for my procedure is definitely not covered under my insurance at my current BMI. I'm off by 1/10 of a point. I gained 15 lbs to make the weight and Im not there. Even if I was, according to the lady I talked to, the insurance companies expect some weight loss over the 6 month period or they wont cover you. Testing your will i suppose. But of course, the smaller I get, the further away from the magic BMI # required to qualify. She said they might change their policies, and are reviewed every 6 months so I suppose there is a slim chance that in January, whn my 6 months are done, they might have lowered it to the standard 40 that all the other procedures are at, but Im not holding my breath.

Yesterday when I left the hospital I just felt like a deflated balloon. Not wanting to face the possibility of having to just diet like always, knowing my weakness, really KNOWING I wont do it. Not that I CANT, that I WONT.

Fortunately I had a therapy appointment yesterday after work. Could not have been better timing. Its only the 5th session but I think we are finally getting down to it. To sum up the session, after discussing my various weekend habits that take away from any chance of weight loss in general, and my real desire to change them, I announced that i was NOT going to drink this weekend at all. Now, this is something I had actually thought about last week, or perhaps even before that, just because I knew this diet thing was approaching and I also knew that drinking was not going to be on the menu.

That being said, I am aware of my weakness, and my failure to be able to go a whole weekend without it since my teen age years...literally. Thats a lot of lost weekends.

So she suggested that instead of looking at it like I'm giving something up, think of something positive to replace that activity with. Because, as she pointed out, I have made drinking and eating on the weekends a literal activity, instead of an accessory to an activity.

She said if I can just do Sunday, that will be an accomplishment, and not to try to go whole hog, or to try, but if I slip not to just go off the deep end.

So in the end I left there feeling much better, and have today made plans to go walking / hiking this Sunday, plus I'm not buying any booze to have in the house, so I think I'll be OK for that day at least.

I really do want to lay off Sundays. It makes Monday such a beast.

Plus finding strength in small places helps after the crushing defeat I felt at the Drs. office.

So that's where I'm at. Disappointed but not out of the game just yet.

One side note...I did let a few people know what had happened, and Elise, my sister, gave me a very annoying response. She jumped right in to how great weight loss surgery would be for me and isint there another procedure I can qualify for. That pissed me off, as if I haven't done any research on the subject and am making an excuse not to have it done. That may not have been what she intended but it certainly felt that way.

I mailed her back and suggested she read the links I provided her a week or so ago explaining the dangers of other procedures vs the VSG.

Maybe Im defensive with her, but I still hear those words ringing in my ears of her responding to me telling her that I knew what it took to lose weight as she tried to tell me what I was doing wrong (because having lost weight herself she was now the expert). I told her she was not the queen of weight loss..and she screamed back "YES I AM! You DON'T know what to do obviously because YOU GAINED IT BACK!!"

Well, yes I did, and I struggle with it every day. But Id never throw her failures in her face like that. Just sayin'.

So now I have to start over. I've gained weight in my care free abandonment stage in the last few months, allowing myself to eat all kinds of crap, and getting down right addicted to sweets again. Ive gone off the deep end and its time to get back in the boat. I have to at least try because I hate being so uncomfortable fat.

Still Waiting

2011-07-11T10:01:00.002-04:00

Waiting sucks. I feel like I've been waiting for this Dr. appointment forever now. In reality, it has been almost 3 months, which seriously is ridiculous. I just hope its worth the wait. Speaking of "weight", I've been gaining. I have seriously gone off any kind of restrictions as far as my eating goes.

I had a long weekend at my parents house this past weekend because they were out of town, and I was having a few friends up for dinner and pool time, so I took that opportunity to buy muffins and chips and cookies at the grocery store, none of which were eaten by said guests, so they came home with me. I of course, am eating them. I considered taking them to work to get rid of them, but then thought Id be embarrassed to bring those in half eaten. Another excuse.

The guilt of buying them at the store was horrible, but I did it anyway. I was in line to check out and there was a guy behind me with power-aide by the gallon, and I think some kind of lean cuisines. College student I think, cute, and I noticed him eyeballing the contents of my cart. I know I turned 6 shades of red. I even tried to hide some stuff on the belt then just thought, oh screw it!

In years past that fear of having someone eyeballing my potential purchases kept me away from a lot of really bad things. Lately, since I've decided on this surgical route, and really have to gain weight to qualify, I've gone off the deep end.

The thing is, I feel completely gross. I find myself literally not being able to breathe as well, and I'm tired all the time. I just feel bad, and I know I look it too.

I weigh the most I've weighed in over 15 years, and my body is unhappy about it. Also, I think I'm becoming addicted to sugar.

Its been years since I have kept anything sweet in the house. I mean YEARS! Now I pretty much have something every day that's bad for me. Weather its a bite size candy bar from the bowl at work, or my weekend binge of whatever treat I buy myself at the grocery store, ( sometimes dark chocolate, this past weekend it was muffins and cookies), and I've been very close to going whole hog (pun intended) and buying out a shelf of Little Debbie snacks! (a childhood obsession because we were never allowed to have them)

So I'm looking forward to being given a liquid diet program on the 28th.

Honestly, I'm looking forward to it! I think the simplicity of it will be a good thing. And I am trying to get rid of bad things in the mean time, of course, buying NEW bad things doesn't help that cause. In the end I'm sure I'll end up throwing bags of food away like I used to.

Years ago, when I was still thinner from my maximum weight loss, but starting to gain weight back, I would often go into my fridge, cabinets and freezer and throw away bags full of food. I couldn't even wait to give it away, I had to get rid of it right then, only to go buy more the next week.

I recently skipped a week going to the grocery store and felt really strange. Like something was missing.

I just want this whole process to get rolling. I know I could be dieting already but something in my head is just not on board with it. Its like I feel like I have to wait to go to the Dr, get their program and THEN start. Until that point its like a race to get everything yummy and bad in so I wont miss anything. Last Meal Syndrome.

Crazy.....My VERY unhealthy relationship with food.

The therapist I started seeing I'm still a bit unsure about. I mean I've only seen her 2 times so we have a lot to build on. I guess I feel like I'm at a loss of where to start with her. There are so many things to talk about and I'm just all over the place.

I'll try to focus on one thing this week and see how that goes. Until then...still waiting.

Letting Go

2011-06-23T10:36:00.008-04:00

There have been times in my life where I've had to release people from my fold. its never easy and in this case its down right horrible.

Ive been going back and forth with this terrible thing inside me for so long though that I just have to let it go.

Its my sister. Well, one of them anyway. Weve had our fights before but this one Im afraid were just not going to get over.

In the past, its usually my frustration with her for one reason or another that boils over and I announce that "Im Done", which lasts for a while. A few months sometimes, but something usually brings us back together.

This time it involves her boyfriend. Someone she is so crazy about that unless they were to be apart, we will never be able to resolve things.

Its a long story, but to sum it up, he and I don't get along. To the point of screaming arguments, and I just cant take that kind of negative energy.

The funny part about it that he brow beats me about being negative. I think hes confusing negativity with living in reality. The negativity I think that's felt is perhaps my general dislike of him, and his of me.

In any case, after much heartbreaking inner struggle, I've decided to let them both go.

She sent me one email after our last blow out saying there must be a way to get past this, and I sent her one back (copying him as well) explaining the circumstances of my decision. I've had no response from her, and she is generally acting like nothing is wrong.

Unfortunately during all this my parents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, which is a wonderful thing, but we are throwing them a surprise party so we HAVE to communicate.

Its been rough. I have bitter resentment built up inside me. I feel it every time a read an email or think of them. I hate that feeling. I want so badly to be free of it, and Im working toward that goal.

Its a personal thing. I doubt she is suffering the way I am, only because Beth has the ability to dismiss things in a way that I cant.

So my goal is to branch out and start spending time with my other friends. The ones that have been neglected these past years due to my closeness with her. It was so easy with her you see. We are a lot alike, but not really in healthy ways.

Timing wise, since my goals these days are leaning more toward trying to achieve some sense of health, this is probably they best thing in the end.

It would be easier if I could assure myself of never, or at least rarely, having to deal with her again, but since shes family, AND since I've integrated her into my friend group over the years, (which now I totally regret), I will have to deal with her, AND get over my bitterness as well. No one wants to hear it.

Which brings me to another point of this story. I'm also annoyed that I feel little support from the few friends that I have told whats going on, and I'm hurt and pissed about it. I know I'm not perfect, and I know I can be annoying too, but in this case I feel so strongly that I'm right, and I'm the one that's owed an apology, that I just cant believe they don't have my back.

Also, sometimes (despite the fact that I've been in this same situation between 2 people that don't talk anymore), I resent them still being her friend. I cant help it.

BUT, because this very scenario has happened to a past friend of mine, one that couldn't let go of the fact that his ex-boyfriend was still close to most if not all of his old friends, AND that some of them actually preferred the ex's company to his, I can NOT, and WILL NOT, behave like he did.

Drunken fights and lectures to friends about how much I resent their keeping contact with Beth and John will not help my cause.

Its been very hard, but I haven't mentioned it to people much, and really only to those closest to me. Reactions have been a bit of shock over the details of the actual fight, and that's about it.

Maybe its partly because I really have announced my separation with her over and over throughout the years. Maybe its because I didn't get along with her Ex either, Robert, and for a long time my family at least kept thinking it was all me.

I feel like they probably think that this time too, even though I remind them that everything I had said about the ex Beth herself admitted to after they divorced.

Another thing that makes my blood boil I guess.

Thats part of all this too. Im TIRED of having my blood boil!! I want to live at peace and be happy. Some of it comes from within I know. My inability to let things go. But it had to start from someplace, and they are the source.

Im not saying they are horrible people. Quite the opposite. They, with each other, and freinds alike are fun and wonderful. Well, until John starts drinking that is...

In any case, I feel a little abandoned and it sucks.

God I wish I could just move away and start over!

Im so tired of going through this crap with people. I feel so trapped and have for so long.

I am trying to work on myself whether people realize it or not. Each time a cranky thought starts to bloom in my head about them I say, outloud to myself, STOP!!! I dont even want to think bad thoughts about them, I just want to LET IT GO!!!

Also, I took my first steps to mental wellness this week in a big way. I FINALLY found a therapist. I dont know how shes going to work out after only one session, but I tell you, I spilled a ton of stuff out in that fifty minutes, and walked away feeling better, so hopefully this will be exactly what I need to get my head on straight.

Actually I think Ive needed this for YEARS, and regret not trying to go sooner.

Well, no time like the present, right?

Anyway, Im trying to let go.

Put Off!

2011-06-15T14:53:00.002-04:00

Frustrated. I was supposed to be well on my way by now with a program, but Im not. As it turns out, I have to do all of the insurance things, (ie. 6 months of medically supervised diet and exercise) on my own, so I went to the Emory Bariatric site today thinking that I could at least use them for that, and turns out, they do the sleeve surgery after all. I dont know if I just missed that previously or if they just started with it, but either way, Im going the Emory route now.

Unfortunately, the Emory route is a rigid scheduled thing that apparently is quite popular since I cant even get my starting appointment until July 28th.

So yes, Im frustrated, but Im moving forward with it in any case.

I did have one positive step, well hopefully. I found a therapist last week and will see her next Tuesday for the first time. This, Im hoping, will be a key element in me figuring some things out, which in turn I hope will help me with my weight issues.

In the mean time Ive really not been trying at all. Been very lazy and eating whatever I want to. I dont feel good about it, and I have no idea why Im being so lazy in my decisions recently. Maybe that will be addressed in therapy.

Im glad, though, however long it might take, that Im still pressing onward. Usually by now Id have given up, and I almost did last week when I found out the news about having to track down all these needed services myself.

I hope Emory will be my answer for all of it.

Well see.

Update: Month 1 starts June 2011

2011-05-23T10:37:00.004-04:00

The seminar on the 12th was really nothing more than 5 people in a small room watching a video, then being given a packet of forms to fill out and bring back. Its taken me almost 2 weeks to get my act together enough to get the forms done, and today I'm bringing them to the office to turn in. They review the documents, evaluate, then set the first appointment, which they say takes about 2 weeks, so I will officially be in the first of my 6 month evaluation in June. Really, the timing couldn't be better since I dont want to actually have the surgery until January. I also dont want to tell my Dr that for fear he will think I'm not committed. Its not that, its just I know this is going to be a hard thing for me to deal with. No drinking, and no eating normal foods for months and over the holidays? Forget it. Not the best way to start the plan I suspect.

Im almost done with my smoking, which is good, since I filled out the forms saying Id already quit. I smoked one cigarette on Thursday night, one Friday, and one Saturday. Sunday I smoked I think 2 or 3. All while drinking so Im feeling pretty good about that.

My eating has been off the charts though. I nearly made myself sick yesterday eating frozen birthday cake. Why do I have frozen birthday cake? Well my friend Anne had a birthday last week and I had the idea to got her a cake for the pool party we had Saturday, and of course, in the back of my head, I really wanted that cake so I could have some. Boy did I!!! I scoffed 2 pieces in the kitchen when no one was looking after it had been cut, then I took home the leftovers, meaning (seriously) to give it to Beth for her boyfriend John, but she got out of the car and didnt take it, and I didnt remind her to take it. So I got home, cut half of what was left which I guess equaled a little less than 1/4 of the cake, and froze it. Frozen frosting is delicious. Reminds me of being a kid and getting Baskin Robins ice cream cakes.

I had some of it upon waking Sunday morning after "brunch", then before I went to bed I polished the rest off. Thank god Id sent the other chunk home with Beth at that point.

Its so strange to me that my craving for sweets has gotten so bad recently.

I dont know if its because Im allowing myself to have them for the first time in well, forever, without guilt, so Im going nuts, or if its something else.

I do know Ive been a cranky bitch lately. I put this down to having gone over a year and a half with no sex. I feel very unattractive and out of balance.

My body feels like all of the sudden its barreling down hill where as before I almost didnt notice the slow decline.

I know Im the heaviest ive ever been in my life, and since I felt like I needed to gain weight for the qualification of insurance for the sleeve procedure, Ive been hitting fast food and crap daily.

I was so sick of fast food that I had a salad last week for dinner and thought it was the best thing Id ever eaten!

Also, the thought of all these years constantly worrying about every bite I put in my mouth, (often eating whatever I want away then just feeling the guilt afterwards), then suddenly eating crap...a LOT of crap, on purpose, so I can GAIN 8 lbs is just hard to wrap my head around.

I still dont know if I can even qualify if I lose weight over the next 6 months. Im not sure how that works.

They say I have to have a BMI of 50 to qualify for the sleeve surgery, and my thought is, well, even if I have one now, if Im supposed to be on a supervised weight loss program for the next 6 months, isint it logical to think I will be under that at the time of the end of that period?

I guess these are questions I will have to ask my Dr when I get in for that first appointment.

I have to say, going to the little session was a little nerve racking. I felt embarrassed waling in. There was a waiting room full of fat people waiting for their own surgical miracle who all turned to look at who was coming in, and I rushed right past them. I guess thats something Im going to need to get used to. Poking, prodding, staring.

Oh, part of the paperwork required that I take a front and side view photo of myself. It actually said to wear clothing that doesnt conceal, meaning they want to see as much fat as possible. Dramatic I thought. I took my photos in my normal clothes. I look very fat, so I hope it is satisfying.

I also look 50 years old, and miserable. I didnt feel like I was frowning in them, but it looks like Im about to cry or something. I think that the fat on my face is so bad its just dragging it all down. Disgusting. Seeing them made me want to hide in my house until its all over.

Will it ever be over though?

One of the 5 people in the viewing room at the Drs office was a former bypass patient. When she said that I was visibly shocked I think. I cant understand how its possible to gain so much weight back after having this surgery. ANY of the surgeries. It appears to be though, so Ive still got my work cut out for me.

Keeping moving.

Ready Set GO!

2011-05-12T08:20:00.000-04:00

Today I will be going to my first "appointment" for surgery. Its actually not even an appointment, its a seminar that you are required to attend in order to get an appointment at Kennestone Bariatric.

Its really amazing to me the hoops you are made to jump through in order to get this surgery. Everyone talks about the raging obesity problem in America, and the cost of health care associated with it, and yet the things that can help cure (or at least control) it are made so expensive, inaccessible, or an incredible pain in the ass that people just don't do it.

My hope today is to get an idea of what I'm really facing, should I go through with this procedure, IF I can even be qualified for this procedure, which is another annoyance.

Ive been eating like a cow the last week or so actually trying to GAIN 8 lbs to put me in the zone for the procedure. Guess what...Ive lost 5 lbs. Crazy.

So Ive decided that I will just beg them to say I weigh 10lbs, or how ever many (cant be much more than that) more lbs than I do so my stupid insurance will cover the procedure.

Again...crazy. if they cant or wont do that, I'm going to have to go with another alternative. Im NOT getting a band, and I'm NOT getting regular bypass.

I'm a little nervous about this today. Although its not anything like the stuff I will be doing if I go to the Emory appointment in June, its still a step acknowledging that I'm here, I'm doing this.

I'm keeping the Emory appointment though, just in case I cant have the sleeve procedure at Kennestone because I know they have an Optifast program.

I'm hoping that today I can find out if Kennestone will be able to put me on Optifast. I'm hoping that if I can start to do that, maybe I wont need the surgery.

I don't know why I feel like I need a Dr's supervision to diet..well not even diet..to starve myself. I know that you have to do Optifast for a while right before the procedure, which ever one you go with. Its suppose to put you into Ketosis as we as shrink your liver, making the procedure easier.

Also, since you have to be on all liquids right after the procedure for I think a month, ( Ive read different things) I guess it gets your mind ready for that change, and sets up a level of commitment which clearly you must have in order to do this.

I'm continuing to read blogs and studies about the procedures and all roads point to GS. My only real reservation about it is if I have issues after the procedure, I will have them for the rest of my life, because you cant reverse it. Its PERMANENT.

So many risks, but so far everyone I have even mentioned this to have been so all gung-ho about it I'm almost in shock. I fell like yelling in their faces.."Don't you realize how HARD this is going to be for me!?? Don't you know what I'll be giving up? How much my life will change? How I will never EVER be able to do normal things?!! How RISKY it is? Is me being FAT REALLY THAT BIG A DEAL??!!"

I guess it is.

I'm not doing this for anyone else either, I guess I just thought someone would show signs of protest for the risk of my life alone, much less the miserable way I'll have to live afterwards where food is concerned.

I guess what I really need to focus on is the fact that Im going to have to say good-bye to food. I'm going to have to let it be a fuel and not something I enjoy, which frankly, sucks.

I keep wondering, what about my cooking? What about dinner parties? What about wine parings? These are things a truly enjoy and will miss horribly. When I lost weight on my own 11 years ago I stopped cooking. I stopped eating so I HAD to stop cooking. I imagine this will go the same way. It makes me depressed to even think about it.

Not the eating, the preparing, the serving of food. I mean cooking is something I'm GREAT at. Something Ive actually considered over and over making an actual career. Could I still do that? I don't see how.

Id like to meet a chef thats had WL surgery. That would be something.

In the mean time I'm STILL looking for a therapist, which is proving harder than I imagined. I think that therapy is going to really play a key part in any weight loss I might have whatever the method.

So we will see what happens today. Onward and upward.

Progress

2011-05-03T09:33:00.005-04:00

Progress, how ever slow, is still just that.

After my last post I have more or less been obsessed with finding out how people have reacted to this radical surgery, and during my wanderings found a procedure that Id never heard of. The Duodenal Switch, which is like a Gastric Sleeve and a modified Bypass. The Sleeve part is where they basically cut off 3/4 of your stomach and staple it back up, boom, thats it. No rearranging the intestines, no "pouch", so far less complications to begin with, well, there are complications, just different ones I guess. THEN they take a portion of your small intestine and basically cut it off from the base of your stomach where it would normally empty into, and shorten it, making the stomach contents, which are far smaller than they used to be, dump directly into the digestive loop portion of the intestine, which cases malabsorption. Thus, the combo of the smaller stomach, which does not allow for as much food in general, and the malabsorption, which basically dumps a serious percentage of the the food that does make it down out of your body.

The good part is, of course, you lose weight. The bad part is, you have to be VERY careful to pound 40-50 pills (vitamins and supplements) a day for the rest of your life or you will literally die from malnutrition. Of course before you got to the death stage you would certainly know something was wrong, especially when your teeth and hair started to fall out.

Not a pretty picture.

The Sleeve procedure alone, however, does not touch the intestines at all, which makes for a slower, but still effective weight loss, much like the band, but there is no malabsorption. The down side is, you can gain weight back easier.I have read, however, that due to the stomach being cut to such a small size it can never be as big as it once was, so you would not be able to gain back to the weight you were. I wouldn't want to test that theory though.

The worst complications I have read about for those 2 surgeries range from not tolerating certain foods or alcohol (Boo Hiss!!!) to having a leak in the stomach after surgery causing MAJOR problems and additional surgeries.

Then again, some people have been able to eat just about anything and drink just fine, only the alcohol hits you harder and for some, goes away faster. Plus it slows, or can even stop altogether, your weight loss due to the fact that its sugar, and if your drinking your ingesting empty calories.

Ive been reading a lot about he alcohol part, knowing my love of the drink, and I feel like if the worst that happens is I cant ever drink again it wouldn't be a horrible consequence. Would I probably absolutely HATE it at first? Yes. I sometimes think that this procedure would be more successful for me if I COULDN'T drink ever again. Even if I hated it.

I love to drink...WAY too much, and even my justification of only drinking on the weekends doesn't get me around the fact that when I do drink I drink an enormous amount at one time, lately leaving me hung over all day and unable to do basic things. It also tends to be a driving factor in any social activity I might have the opportunity to attend. Basically if theres not going to be any booze, I aint going! Which, really, is not a good thing.

So part of my decision, for ANY of the surgeries out there is the no drinkie drinkie one. Because there is a possibility that my body will not allow it afterwards. Thats been something Ive read across the board with every type of surgery out there despite the fact that a friend of a friend i know apparently has no problems with it. I think its just the luck of the draw.

As far as the band and the regular bypass, thats out. After reading about the complications and the way you have to eat and drink afterwards, forever, I think not. Heres the kicker though, the Sleeve and the Duodenal Switch are only covered under my insurance if I have a BMI of 50 or more. FIFTY!!!! Ridiculous!!!

This is partly I think because its really not done as often or by as many surgeons and so its still considered to be a "new" surgery. Its been done since the mid 80's though and all the risks combined, I think its the way to go. Well, one of the 2 is anyway.

So I made phone calls. Based on my sister, Beth recommendation I started at Emory Bariatric Clinic. Its Emory after all, top notch, right? Well I guess a bunch of other people think that too since I cant even get an initial appointment until June 23rd!!! But I figured Ive waited this long, I can wait a little longer to get started. In the mean time I continued my research and thats when I came across the DS procedure. Id heard of the sleeve before and I dont think Emory even does it, so after reading about the DS I looked for a local surgeon in my area that performs it. Turns out there are only 2 in the state of Georgia!

Fortunately, one of those is very near my office, so I decided to call them and see what the deal is.

I dont know if they are less busy, but I do know Im going to an "Informative Workshop" discussing the procedures done at the hospital by this Dr. next Thursday. The conversation I had with the woman on the phone at Kennestone Hospital ( the DS place) was where I found out that my BMI needs to be 50 or higher to have Blue Cross Blue Shield Highmark cover this surgery. Im at.....(drum-roll please)...49.1. YIKES!! I thought that was bad enough but apparently Im about 8-10 lbs off to qualify.

She asked me if I was sure about my height, and I told her Id just been measured that Monday at my Drs office. She said, "now Im not telling you to lie about it, but just so you know, if you WERE 5'7", instead of 5'8", you would qualify."

(side note....apparently Im shrinking...I used to be 5'10")

She suggested that I I ask to be weighed and measured at the seminar. UGH!

Humiliation aside, Im doing it. Screw it. I figure in this adventure to come Im going to experience a LOT of humiliating moments involving weighing, measuring, and naked giggly parts being exposed to total strangers so I might as well get used to it.

Now Im left with the sinking feeling of, what if I dont qualify for the Sleeve or DS? I really dont want to get either of the other operations, but I feel like I will be giving up if I dont.

I always worry about the "what if" before there is a need to worry though, so this time Im going to try not to.

Not giving up, not stopping the process. Ive even still kept my Emory appointment just in case this one doesnt work out, just in case.

I will say reading the stories on line from people who have seriously regretted these surgeries..ALL types of them...do scare me, but I have to believe there are many more success stories out there as well. Ive seen some of those too, just freak out about the bad ones I guess.

All I know is if in a year from now I can be writing about the freakish amount of weight Ive lost since January I will be happy. Hopefully.

Back here again, and big changes coming.

2011-04-26T07:40:00.008-04:00

Here we are again.

Lord its been so long! I had not realized until I pulled this site up that my last post was about Scruffy. I read it through and cried all over again.

I remembered now that my intent was to get through that post then continue with what had been happening over the summer, which is part of what has lead me to where I am now, facing the next summer.

So last year, in May, as my previous posts reflect, I was sent to the Kennesaw office at The LPA Group, my current (for now at least) job, to fill in for Trisha Rushing, the Admin at that office, while she was to be married and go on her honeymoon.

The post I did on May 13th was my first day in the office, this office where I still am, because she never came back.

I wish I could say they got married and she decided to quit work, have babies and lived happily ever after, but I cant.

I'm here for one reason only, and thats because Trisha died in September.

Its a really long story, and really better told by the reporter that happened to pick it up for the AJC, but the summary is that on the day of her wedding, feeling very sick and with a terrible migraine, Trisha finally managed to make it down the isle to marry Jim Duguay. They sat in chairs at the end of the isle because she was too weak to stand, and shortly after the ceremony she was rushed tot he hospital where she stopped breathing. They revived her, and stabilized her, then based on her symptoms gave her an MRI which revealed a tumor on the base of her brain stem.

Jim and Trisha spent the next week in the hospital on their "honeymoon", waiting for her to be well enough to have surgery to remove it, knowing the risks and discussing the decisions that would need to be made should the worst happen and she not wake up, or be left in a vegetative state.

As it turned out, the worst did happen. She never woke up, and it was determined that even if she did she would be a vegetable. In July they pulled her feeding tube. She survived an excruciating 45 (or more) days without food, and finally passed away.

Needless to say the whole company was so very sad for her, Jim and their families. It was a truly horrible and shocking thing. One so young and beautiful to die so suddenly of a creeping monster that apparently had been hiding in her head since childhood.

In any case, and not to move on too soon from this without noting the pure sadness of it, thats how I came to be permanently up in the Kennesaw office.

I was truthfully very hard at first to be happy about my "lucky" break, seeing that someone had to die for it to happen, but I couldn't help it. I loved it up there. It was my saving grace in a job that was never going to be a money maker, or a real career like others have.

I thought, well, at least I'm happy with coming to work every day. Thats something.

The economy failing more and more, jobs getting more and more scarce, yeah, I felt lucky.

Just when I really began to settle in to my new situation I had a slap of reality. James, the one man in this office that apparently doesn't like me, (and according to the others in the office didn't care much for Trisha either), apparently has been out to cut off my head ever since I walked through the door, and it was made known that I would be here even semi-permanently.

He even told a girl that works here, Kelly, that he wanted me to get fired so he could replace me with a "hot college girl".

All of this information came out after I had called in sick in November, for the first time since the previous April (when I had my long bout with depression and just didn't care about coming to work anymore).

It was a Tuesday, and I had a headache. I called in. No problem I thought. Half way through the day though James called me, leaving me a message saying they had not heard from me and wanted to see if I was OK.

I called him back right away and said, no, I had left him a message that morning. He said he had gotten a message but it was garbled and he couldn't understand it. Hmmmm....and someone was missing but it didn't occur to him that it might have been ME?

Anyway, I think, OK, well its cleared up.

So I come in to work the next day. Allen, Kelly and Shawn are here, (who I all like very much, and who apparently like me as well), and Shawn asks, "what happened to you yesterday?", I say, "didn't James tell you?", Shawn replies, "no, he said you had never called in!".

So then I explain to them what happened, and Kelly pipes in, "oh, yes, I heard him on the phone, HE CALLED "HR" AND TALKED TO NIKKI HEWETT!!"

I freeze. Nikki Hewett is the bitch that lied to Mike Reiter last year when I had my trouble in April, and on the phone told me a totally different policy than existed, only to have me call her out on it in June of last year and end up in a conference call with her and Mike, in which I ended up looking like an idiot!

So then I get nervous, and ask, "Why would James want to rat me out to HR especially when this was a legit absence?". Kelly pipes up, "Oh hes been trying to get rid of you since June."

She proceeds to explain the things she has either overheard or been told by him directly and I freak out.

My bubble is popped and I realize I'm not safe after all.

After further discussion with all the guys in the office, Kelly and I decide to talk to Harold. Harold is the big boss, and actually used to be Trishas' boss, which explains why James could never get rid of her either.

So I make arrangements to talk to Harold that day. We meet, I tell him straight up whats been going on, and he tells me, "well, why don't you come work for me". and I feel safe again. He gets the changes made right away and James is up my butt being nice to me again.

Time goes by, nothing bad, nothing great. A LOT less work to do most of the time though, and I do notice that the admin work I could be doing is being done a lot of times by engineers or James himself. To keep from giving me billable hours I assume, but it doesn't occur to me that this will actually have an effect on me now that I'm under Harolds management.

Turns out my head has been on the block all along.

The new company, Baker, that bought out LPA, is doing restructuring. Cutting the fat as it were. So 2 weeks ago Harold calls me in the conference room...WITH James. I know something is terribly wrong. I can feel it.

I didn't get fired, but I did get my hours cut. I'm down to 4 days a week. This is directly due to HR seeing that I have so few billable hours, which is totally the fault of James, and the other engineers in the Norcross office the year before that kept telling me to change my hours to ADMIN time even when it was billable to a job.

I still wonder if this has been a long term plan to let me go, although I guess if they really wanted to they would have in April of 2010 when I had missed so much work.

I was crazy upset at first, but I'm trying to look at it in a positive way. An opportunity to do something else. Maybe take a class. Something to further my career, or even change it.

My parents are supporting me, of course, and I feel bad about that too, but to be honest, I like having a 4 day work week. And so far, well, its only been 2 weeks, but I haven't made a move to do anything else. I will though. Actually my first real day was last Friday, and I had stuff to do all day so it was not wasted.

Also, I have a change coming, which might be using that day for other things, and thats what Im trying to get to in catching all this up.

Ive made the decision to get bypass surgery.

Yesterday I went to my GP, getting my height and weight recorded and faxed to Emory Bariatric center, which is the first step I had to take to get the process rolling. Today I will call them to follow up and hopefully make my first appointment there with the nutritionist and surgeon. My insurance company requires me to be under the supervision of a nutritionist and Dr for 6 months in order to approve the surgery, so if everything goes well, and if I'm still employed (which honestly is a huge fear), I hope to have the surgery in January right after New Years.

I still don't know which version of it I will end up with because I feel like I need to talk directly to the surgeons about it more, and maybe some people who have had it too, and I don't want to go through all this to have a minimal surgery thats not going to be effective in the end. That being said, I think I'm going to go for the full montey, and get the bypass, not the banding.

I haven't told a lot of people yet. I'm embarrassed about it and want to keep it as quiet as possible. I told my sister Elise at the pool Saturday, and shes very supportive. I haven't told Beth yet because although I know she will SAY shes supportive, shes not.

I told Sam over chat a week ago that I was starting the process, and hes also really supportive.

I think my biggest shock so far was yesterday when I went to my regular DR to get the process started and when I told her what my plans were she said GOOD! She said it so fast I was shocked. I thought she would tell me the risks or something, but no, she went into how my life would change for the better, and was all for it.

So here I go. I feel like its the final frontier. I mean I'm turning 41 in about 6 weeks and my life is spinning out of control in so many ways. I just think if I'm ever going to do this, now is the time. I really have nothing to lose at this point.

So my goal is to get back into the blog and keep track of everything that goes on.

My journey so to speak.

Here we go!

Rough summer

2010-08-18T08:18:00.004-04:00

So its been a strange one.

First and foremost, my precious dog Scruffy is no longer with me. I had to make the heartbreaking decision to put her down on August 6th.

Its been almost 2 weeks now without her and I'm still going through the grieving process. Its better than it was of course, and I find myself feeling guilty for getting more / better sleep these days and not having to worry about her like I did.

In her last month she went from being really pretty OK to not being able to breathe. It just seemed to happen so fast when it was finally time. Almost as if the day I made the call she gave up, and the rest of the week she just went down hill.

Shed even been through tooth surgery at the beginning of June, which I was convinced she wouldn't survive, but she did.

Then at the beginning of July, I stayed at my folks house for 5 days while they were out of town, and that was pretty rough on her. She wasn't eating well which meant she wasn't getting her medicine as regularly. I never really realized how important that medicine was for her to be OK, and i question myself constantly about not shoving it down her throat. I question if I did the right thing, but I also have to remind myself that she ate one handful of chicken in 7 days the last week she was alive.

I had made the decision on Monday after talking to the vet, and was so upset all week waiting for the day of her death on that coming Friday that I also wonder if she felt like Id finally given up on her, so she gave up too. I just don't know.

On her last day I woke with her and was a bundle of sobs and nerves. I spent the morning cleaning the house, taking breaks to sit with her and pet her head. I did things like put the rugs back down that had been rolled up for months because of her peeing. Later I felt bad for not waiting for her to actually die before doing that.

In her final hour before the vet arrived to put her to sleep, I took her outside in my arms. She wasn't able to walk very well but I put her down in the yard in a good sunny spot. She sniffed the air and seemed to enjoy the warmth. I cried and waited for her to try to walk around a bit. She turned, looked at me and wagged her little tail. It warmed and broke my heart at the same time. More tears.

I again questioned if I was making the right decision, and had to remind myself that she was struggling to breathe and had not eaten more than that handful of chicken in more than a week.

I picked her up again and walked her around her yard. I don't know, but it seems like she knew. She was always a smart, very intuitive dog. She knew something was going on, but instead of acting scared, she was very calm. Maybe she was ready. I don't know.

When we went back inside, I laid her on the sofa on her favorite blanket and sat in silence with her. Talked to her, told her I loved her. Said the Lords Prayer, and tried to remember the verse about walking through the valley of the shadow of death but couldn't quite recall it.

My parents were coming to be with me and were late ( of course). The had asked their gardener to make a place for her in their back yard next to Max the day before, and they would take her home and handle the burial themselves.

When they pulled up my heart was in a panic, I felt like I couldn't move. It was 11:50, and the vet was due to be there at noon. I let them in and there were tears, even from my dad.

Sooner than we thought, the vet pulled up. I was numb and stared to sob as quietly as I could. I was trying not to upset her. I held her close to me kissing her head. The vet came in and softly stroked her head, asking her name and a few questions about her condition. She was quiet, professional, sympathetic. The right choice. She had me hold her and gave her a shot in her back leg muscle. I know it hurt her because she snapped at the vet. I had not been prepared for that and broke down sobbing "I'm So Sorry!" I held her tight and she stared to fade. Falling into a deep sleep in my arms, her little head slowly dropped and came to rest on my arm.

The vet asked me to lay her in a way that she could get to her back leg to give her the final shot. I asked for a minute. Held her. Feeling her warmth and knowing she was still alive, but that it was time.

I was shocked when I finally let go of her a little to move her into position. She was already dead weight. I had not realized the sedative she had given her was basically like being under anesthesia.

The vet then shaved her little leg, gave her the shot, and in a matter of seconds, ( although it seems much longer) she was gone.

Those seconds did drag out, and I remember the silence being broken by my moms attempt at casual conversation, which made me angry for a second. Later I realized she was doing her best to deal with a very sad and difficult situation in the only way she knew how.

The vet listened for her heartbeat and said, "shes gone". I held her close and cried.

It was over.

Finally I laid her back down on her blanket and started to wrap her up. I wasn't trying to rush it, I just wanted to get it over with and felt like I needed to have her buried as soon as possible. My parents didn't want to go, but I asked them to please take her home and bury her right away. Please don't let her stay like this long.

She was still warm when I put her in the back seat of their car.

I came back in, my dad following me to make sure I was OK. I wasn't crying anymore.

I sent him on his way.

I was numb.

I was waiting to freak out. To scream and cry, but it didn't come. I sat in my house, on my sofa in complete silence. I couldn't watch TV, I didn't turn on the stereo, I didn't get on the computer.

I got up at some point and packed up her food and treats, gave my neighborer Luke a call and told him to please come get them for his dogs. I cleaned up her food bowls and put them up on a table along with her toys.

A few small tears, but no breaking crying.

Still numb.

I was walking around my very quiet, very empty feeling house in circles. Every time I passed the kitchen and saw the spot where her food bowl used to be it looked so empty that I finally tried to put something there in its place. A stool, a table. Nothing fit.

Empty.

The rest of that day and the next went by in a buzz, literally. I started drinking Friday afternoon about 2:00 pm and pretty much didn't stop until Saturday night when I finally went to sleep. I had a little wine Sunday but woke up feeling bad to begin with and decided not to drink. That was the hardest day.

Finally alone all day and sober. No one called me to check on me. I guess they all assumed I was OK.

I didn't call for help. I felt like I wanted to be sad, and boy was I. The sense of loneliness was overwhelming. The sense of loss was more than I had even known. Ridiculous as it may seem to some, I felt more loss for my dog that any human that Ive lost. Ive been depressed, and felt sad but this was huge.

Since then my racking sobs have dwindled down to bursts of tears here and there over silly memories, or a habit to do something at home that I just did unconsciously for her, and reminds shes not here anymore.

One day at a time.

Writing this has been the first time in a week that Ive had a really big, unexpected cry. I'm at work and didn't expect to get into this today but here I am, tears streaming down my face as I write this. Recounting the last moments of my dear dear puppies life.

I guess it was good to get it out.

So heres to my Scruffy, who I lovingly called my bubba, tiny bubba, the tiny, hunny bunny, and finally my lumpy lump.

I miss you my sweet baby. See you soon.

30 Days Left In My 30's

2010-05-13T09:08:00.004-04:00

Today begins the first of the last 30 days in my 30's.

What am I doing today? Well, I'm working at a different office for one thing, which has made my day so much better already. I will be here a mere 9 days, then back to hell, but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Yes, I still hate the job. Actually, after being here, I think its not the job that I hate so much as who I have to work with and the environment I'm in.

This office is totally different. Smaller, yes, but more people in general relying on me to do things for them because I'm the only admin here.

The people here are nice and the head guy is not scary like the one I deal with. But the best part? THERES NO JANE!!!!!!!!!!!!

So this makes me think that the real problem here is working with her. Well, and the one bitch Engineer that I have to deal with too, but Jane is the real issue.

I wish I could say I that I think its going to get better with her, but I just don't. Hells Bells its been a year and Ive gone so far down hill its unreal, and I blame her.

No really, I do. I came into this job with hope and drive and a great attitude, only to be met with her BS, which while "helpful" on the surface, is totally self serving. Shes a bitch. Bottom line.

I haven't seen anything else in the rags that Id even dare apply for either...well accept one job, which I did apply for but never heard anything. Understandable when there are probably 2000 other people applying for the same thing.

Honestly I just don't know what to do to change my situation. I'm trying to take more photos, and have spent an insane amount of money recently on new equipment, but I don't know where to go from here really.

40 Looms in the near future and I find myself again trying to make it work here, if for no other reason just because Ive got no where else to go.

I heard a saying yesterday, and its not a quote, but in general the message was this: If your having a hard time with something, you can either let it make you bitter, or become BETTER. That really hit home with me because I have been just that in the last few months. BITTER!

I want to be better. I want to get past all this and just make the best of a less than ideal situation. I pray every night for the strength to do just that and I feel a little better these days, but not so much that Id say I'm happy with my situation.

Ive got 9 days to enjoy the break from the evil Jane, but then I will be right back where I was again. Under her tiny yet powerfully obnoxious thumb.

I don't want to turn 40 feeling bad, so I'm going to make every effort in the next 30 days to try and make myself feel great.

We'll see.

Misery Loves Company

2010-04-23T11:37:00.001-04:00

So is anyone out there?

YOUR FIRED!!

2010-04-16T07:32:00.002-04:00

HA! I wish.
I cant quit and I cant manage to get let go either. Ironic.
I feel like I'm in prison.
OK ok maybe a bit of an exaggeration.
Its a good job, I just hate it.
I swear I cant remember a time in my life that Ive felt more miserable, downtrodden or depressed.
I'm trying to pull myself out of it but I feel this huge weight on me, and for once its not my actual weight (which these days is rising like crazy due to my lack of exercise / eating everything bad in sight) and I really believe its the job.
Sadly if I do get fired I have no idea if I would even be able to collect unemployment until I found something else or am (hopefully) able to get my photography business going, and if I cant, then I'm totally fucked. Id be in default of all my bills including my mortgage within a month.
Sad. I'm turning 40 in just under 2 months and I feel like I have a totally shitty life. I know its not sure but I just feel SO BAD!!

Ok things I appreciate and know I'm lucky to have:

1. My family. Best in the world. There for me without question.
2. My friends. Again, best in the world. There for me without question.
3. Even though I hate it, my job. I know I'm lucky to have it and it drives me crazy that I just haven't been able to fit into the mold to make it work.
4. My home and my dog. ( actually the dog should be part of #1) Even though I complain about all the work my house needs and the hood I live in, its a nice house over all and I'm lucky to have it.
5. All my cool stuff. My STUFF. Including computers, camera equipment, clothes, kitchen stuff, nice furniture, pretty much everything that I need to be super comfortable, and tons of shoes!

So why cant I just embrace these things and just let it be? Just BE HAPPY!

I don't know.
I wish I could, and if I cant I pray for the will and drive to change it. I think of trying to start my own business and how hard its going to be to make it work and how much easier it is just to get up and go to a job. Well, in theory anyway. I feel like in my soul getting up to make my own money for my own business that I'm proud of will GET me out of bed and MAKE me work for it.

Now it never did before. All the years that I had the opportunity to do something I just pissed it away. Enjoying my free time and not doing anything.

I'm making an effort right now to do one shoot a weekend to build my portfolio. That's step one. Step two is to get my web site going and work on a business plan so I can hopefully get a loan. God if I could just make that work id quit the day I got the check in the bank!!
I'm sure my parents would freak out. DON'T QUIT UNTIL YOU GET ANOTHER JOB!!! Well to me working on the future of my business IS a full time job. Its so hard to get this going while working at this place, but I'm going to stick it out as long as I have to. (still secretly hoping to get laid off)
oh well.

A Year Gone By....

2010-03-24T07:10:00.002-04:00

Today is March 24th. This time last year I was getting ready to start my new job. My new life.

So what has happened in this past year? Well I guess I can just look back over the old posts and see it has not been a good one.

I did start working out again last week. Pissed off at myself for slacking off for 3 months and facing 40 any minute now I finally inspired myself to get back in the game, and when I got up yesterday and today I felt like I am suddenly back in the groove. That makes me happy.

Also, last week I got the opportunity to interview for a different job. I scheduled it and was really thinking that it might be a good change. More money blah blah blah. Then I started looking into the company more and realized that it was even more corporate than where I am now so I cancelled.

This started making me analyze my job as it stands.
Do I hate it as badly as Ive been shouting to anyone that will listen?
I'm not sure anymore.
Do I love it? No. Absolutely not. I hate the structure. I hate not being able to take off when I want to with or without pay. I hate the quiet and the cubicles. I HATE having to wear the stupid cloths that look like shit on me. I hate the condescending manner that the 2 women I have to deal with have with me almost constantly, and I hate the fact that I don't make enough money to live like I want to...or even pay all my bills.

OK so that doesn't look so good.

On the other hand, I am getting used to it. I'm able to do the work better this time of year because I'm familiar with it. There are still too many days where I don't have enough to do, and the little Napoleon lady that I work with still hordes the work. Shes never going to leave this job either so my position will always be "under" her, even though I was hired as her equal.

Its a paycheck. I can do the work, and hopefully they will let us do summer hours again this year which makes life worth living for 3 months.

That didn't sound right. Life is worth living for sure. I'm still having happy moments. I was walking through my house this past Sunday reveling on how happy I was at that moment. I want more and I will have to work for it. Maybe that's what makes me mad. Id much rather someone just give it to me!

I'm still on the plan to do photography. Still thinking of how to make that happen. Money is always the problem. I need equipment, a web site, advertising, AND most importantly I need more experience.
Ive been shooting more recently and I need to keep that up. Start thinking about what I'm doing rather than just picking up the camera and pressing a button.

I'm not giving up. never giving up. I do want to be able to walk out of here one day into a life that I control and I know that it wont happen unless I make it happen.

Ive been whining and complaining a bunch for a while now. Ive been VERY depressed, but still remained hopeful. I just need someone to hear me sometimes. Everyone has their problems I guess so I need to get it together on my own. I'm all I have in the end anyway. I'm realizing that more and more.

SMUCK IT!

2010-03-11T08:17:00.001-05:00

Inspiration gone. Typical.

Bad vibes Good vibes

2010-03-04T14:51:00.002-05:00

This is going to be short. Ive been slack, depressed and generally down in the dumps for months now. Nothing seems to make me want to get out of bed in the morning. Until recently. I'm almost afraid to speak about what or who has begun to make me rethink things, for fear it will disappear. Seems like the minute I announce something like this it goes away.
Would that work I wonder if i announced I'm turning 40 in 3- 1/2 months? Doubtful, but my track record does leave me a little superstitious, so I'll keep it to myself for now, just writing down that i hope this...whatever it is....is going to be a good thing in my life that will inspire me like nothing has in a long time.

Moving On

2010-02-04T13:19:00.003-05:00

Have I hit bottom yet?

I really hope so, because if I go any deeper I don't think I'll ever get up again.

Last week work was so bad I actually had a melt down and cried in front of one of the engineers. I call him Little Napoleon. Hes short, and has a God complex. I felt like a total loser, and I'm sure that's how I look to him too.

Some of the things that are wrong with this job are my fault, I realize that. Some of it is simply that I have kind of in one way or another skated through life, always just "getting by", and here that's not possible.

Oh I have pushed the limits here for sure, and continue to, but I AM trying to do good work. If I HAVE to come here every day and face these plastic Sorority and Frat like people I at least want to do a good job.

Little Nap is a nit picky little twerp and Id like to pop his head like a zit! Superficial criticisms and picking out the tiniest flaws are his specialty. Ive also become his project I think. Not by his choice mind you, but all the same, I'm there, under his tiny plastic wing. Ugh!

So what can I do?

Well after an enormously depressing week I had a decent weekend during which I got a gift.

A book, (that by the look of it alone had to be expensive) from my girl Gwenn.

How to own and operate a successful catering business.

Its been sitting on the coffee table for almost a week now. I haven't even cracked the spine yet.

I don't know what it is about me that has always strives for the bottom rung of mediocrity but I sure am good at it!

I visited my old boss last Friday too. Quite the way to bring one of the worst weeks of my adult life to a close Id say.

I was there to help him with the tax stuff. Something Id been doing for him for 8 years, and I couldn't even get that to work!

So we talked mostly. His business is in the toilet, and although when I told him, " You have to be successful again so you can hire me back!", and he did respond," I would love that!", I could hear the insincerity in his voice.

Hes a nice man, and he didn't want to hurt my feelings, but he wants me back about as bad as a cold sore!

Nothing personal I'm sure, but I basically sucked off his teet for 8 years doing the bare minimum , and taking full advantage of his free system.

I realized when I was brooding about it on Sunday, that the time of my life when things were easy and fun is over. For good.

I'm broke, I have no savings, no extra money to even BEGIN to save, a house that's falling down around my ears that I owe more on than its worth, a shit job (even though a lot of people would love to have it), and an eating disorder that's really eating me alive.

Did I mention I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic too?

Not going more than 5 days at a time without a drink since I was about 15 pretty much tells me that I am. Maybe just the weekend binger but still. It ain't a bright future I'm staring in to.

All the talk of the book and the catering and the photography and every dream Ive ever had is just a fantasy. I cant even make myself lose 10 lousy pounds!

God I need help.

I want to get off my ass and MAKE something, ANYTHING happen. I'm so tired of looking backwards on my life and being filled with regret.

I feel like if I had someone in my life to drive me and help me move I could do it. A partner in life that motivates me and pushes me on when I don't want to go anymore.

Something Ive never had.

Can I really be that pathetic that I cant make my life better on my own?

Its probably just the one excuse I have left that I haven't used. The last card so to speak.

To my friends I'm "The Queen of Misery". To my family, what a disappointment, although they would never say it.

Please God PLEASE!!!! HELP ME TO DO SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm in the deepest rut of my life and I have no idea how to get out of it.

I really need help.

And this blog, the biggest joke of all. For no one ever reads it. No one but me, once again looking back. Nothing changes.

SMUCK IT!

2010-01-26T07:38:00.002-05:00

Well, so far 2010 is a total bust.
I got sick. REALLY sick for the first 2 weeks of the month. Missed a week and a half of work, and didn't work out.
After being sort of slack in December on the working out, capping it off with missing 2 solid weeks, Ive now regressed to where I was a year ago before I ever started working out again.
Part of the problem is that I'm miserable.
I don't want to get up.
I don't want to go to work.
And even though I know that exercising will make at least part of my day in hell better I have been choosing to "sleep in", ( if you can call waking up at 5:30 sleeping in).
Last week I managed to work out Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but only did a full work out on Friday. The other 2 days were just treadmill and a few reps on the bench press.
I was determined to get back a full week this week but today, the alarm went off at 4:15, and I just couldn't make myself do it.
The super sad thing is that when I reset the alarm for an hour later I thought to myself, I'm not going to be any different by the time I turn 40....I'm going to be laying here this time next year in the same body, thinking the same miserable thoughts, living the same miserable life....
What a shitty way to think.

I have been trying to eat better, and been cooking really healthy, but haven't bothered to write any of it down thus far.

Another dream put on the back burner.

Meanwhile my job just keeps getting worse and worse.
Every day I screw up. I come in tired and wan feeling and I leave angry and frustrated.
Its no way to live.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm at the end of my very frayed rope.

That's all I got for now.

Say Goodbye to 2009

2009-12-31T08:44:00.000-05:00

Last year went out with a bang. A bunch of us went to Trackside and blew out the year in typical drunken fashion. Happy times at the Track for sure. Got the pictures to prove it too! Then the year really began. It started out a little rough with the announcement that my hours were being cut even further than they had already, and that made me have to really hit the pavement looking for a job. I was, admittedly, taking it easy with this venture. I think besides being scared of the change in general I was just happy to sit back and enjoy so much free time. Why not? My parents ( struggling) were making up for the difference in my salary and I was getting a free ride. Having a fine old time working 2 or 3 days a week. This lasted about 3 weeks before I started to feel like I didn't NEED to have that much time off. That me having that time off was destructive and unhealthy. Drinking way too much, spending too much money going out, just being lazy in general.

So I plunged in to the job market, pretty unsuccessfully, until my sister intervened and found an opportunity with a company her friend worked at, which, as of March 30th, is where I ended up.

During the interview process I was nervous and excited and wanted it so badly.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I guess I didn't know what it was going to end up being like.

How could I? I mean, I knew I was going to have to make some adjustments. I knew my life was going to change, and I honestly was ready to embrace that change. That lasted for about 2 weeks.

Its been all down hill from there.

Now looking back, I realize I had 2 years at least of time where I could have gone back to school, or tried to develop a business in the Culinary world and I blew it.

I realize, and not for the first time, that my laziness and complacency has placed me right where I am, which is absolutely nowhere, and I hate it.

I used to think it was simple fear of the unknown, and maybe that was what drove it, but the easy path is well.....easier. Ive taken that my whole life, and always end up looking back thinking, WHY didnt I do this or that when I had the chance?

Ive been turning over in my head for months what I can do to make my life different.

No one is going to come along and save me. I think that's what my parents have tried to do for me all along, and despite my selfish need to continue it, I know I have to cut that cord.

Even if they wanted to help me make a change they cant afford it anymore so whatever happens at this point is up to me.

So I'm thinking.

What do I REALLY want to do? If I could snap my fingers and do anything, (other than being independently wealthy and doing nothing...I am trying to keep this in reality a little bit), what would it be?

So there are two things that I like to do, and do well. One, Photography, two, cooking.

I did the photo school bit, and I think I could make some effort to build a portfolio to make some money doing head shots or something. Maybe try to get back into architectural, (although that's probably out since everything is digital now) or maybe try doing shows on the weekend with the prints I already have for extra money.

I think some of this is doable for some cash and extra curricular activity, but not a real job.

Not unless I somehow after 15 years of being out of the biz (and never really in it that much) get some business sense and sales ability and oh, a digital 4x5 to the tune of $3,000.

Not likely.

So cooking.

I cant go to school.
Id really LIKE to go to school, but I don't think that's feasible at this point.
Ive talked to a couple of people that are in the industry and gotten some pretty good advice. The best from my friend Scott.
An accomplished Chef that went to Culinary school, and is now , after many years of hard work, a head chef at a restaurant he actually likes. His ultimate dream being to open a place of his own doing breakfast and lunch only, on the beach.
I can tell you, from knowing him, I believe he will achieve this dream. No doubt about it.

Scott told me many things that have given me grist for my thinking mill, but the one thing that I believe was the best was actually the question he asked ME.
"What is your ultimate goal in this industry?"
To which I had no real answer.
So I started to think of what the opportunities are for a person in the culinary world and instead of checking things of that I liked, I began checking things off that I dont like.

I know I don't want to own a restaurant. I know I don't want to be involved in big catering. I cant and have no desire to manage a restaurant....blah blah blah.
So for me that leaves personal chef, teaching, and writing.

The personal chef. Well, I cant say I really "tried" this since I (we..Renee and I) never really moved forward with the idea, largely due to me wanting the stars to be in perfect alignment before I took the plunge.
I still don't count this option out, but I also am just as clueless as I was before about how to go about making it happen.
I bought a book around the time that we were talking about this business and Ive never read it through. I guess that would be a good place to start.

The other thing I think would be really GREAT to be able to do is write a cook book.

OK, I know, there are millions of books out there written by accomplished Chefs and people don't make their fortunes off of them. But maybe if I just do it for me, to actually ACCOMPLISH something that I set my mind to. To FINISH it and somehow see it in print, even if the only copies are given away to my family and friends.
Now that would be something.

So that's my idea. But there is a twist to it.

I cant quit my job right now so I'm going to make the best of it. Really try to make it work and do well at it. I'll suck it up and take the patronizing and cold corporate shoulders. I mean after all, its not like I WANT to fail at this job. If I have to do this Id like to at least be successful at it. So that's goal number ONE.

In the mean time, I will work on my book.
How will my book be different? Eh, it might not be, who knows. But for me that's not the point.
I'm not the best writer, but I'm not the worst either. I think I can narrate a book about food alright. After all, Ive been totally obsessed with it for my whole life, so I must have SOMETHING to say about it that counts.
Also, I'm still on the track to lose weight, so Ive decided to document that part of my life in the book, as I'm cooking and eating what I cook. Analyzing the food content and making myself aware of what I'm eating on a deeper level, as well as creating ways to make delicious food that you CAN lose weight while still enjoying eating.

Yes yes yes, I know that not only are there a million cook books out there but probably about FOUR million "diet" books out there.
This is NOT going to be a diet book. This is a cook book, and if I happen to lose weight while documenting it so much the better.

If not, then I'll still have a great reference of food that I can refer to even if no one else ever sees it. The point it FINISHING IT!

The final link in the chain is that I can photograph everything as well. I can write it, cook it, style it, and photograph it. There are not many that can say that!

So maybe I'm going into this with total delusions of grandeur, and thinking that doing this will some how save me.
That through the writing and cooking and analyzing and the struggle of weight loss I will come out on the other side clean and happy.
And I will have accomplished something I can be proud of.

I thought about giving myself a year to do this. Kind of like Julie whats her name, (not being snide, I really don't know her last name) from "Julie and Julia", and maybe I was a little inspired by her story, but I'm not expecting to gain thousands of readers that send me money via Pay Pal to continue my journey.
This ones all on me. If I'm done in a year, great. If not, then I'm at least hoping that this time next year I can look back at my progress and be happy with it. In both my "real" work life and my "hopeful" one.

Happy New Year.

Christmas

2009-12-23T08:56:00.002-05:00

Christmas 2009. Every year seems to come to an end faster and faster. This one I'm glad to say is almost over. This has not been a banner year for me.
I sit here at my job that Ive grown not just to dislike, but actually hate.
I know it could be worse, but that doesn't make it feel any better for me on a day to day basis.
Every morning is a challenge to get out of bed and come in.
I don't know what to do about my employment situation, but I have to make some kind of change. Either make this job better ( HOW???!!) or find something else to do.
Ive been tossing the idea of trying to get into the culinary world somehow. (HOW???!!)
I really don't know what to do.
I'm not unhappy as a whole with my life, but I AM unhappy.
I hope this holiday season...which is almost over...is a good one, and I hope the next year is better than this one.

November

2009-11-16T09:55:00.004-05:00

wow not much to say about November I guess

BOO!!!!!

2009-10-30T08:44:00.002-04:00

Its time once again for my favorite holiday of the year...well its not a "holiday"...but it should be. HALLOWEEN!!!
I love it!
I used to think it was the candy that made Halloween so great, then I grew up ( and out) and realized that ADULT Halloween it sooooo much better than the kids get it!

Of course there is the classics. Like everyone has to watch The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown special, and seeing the kiddies dressed up in their cute costumes it always a treat. Unfortunately in my neighborhood I stopped giving out candy 2 years ago because not only does my house get eggd every year by the little bastards, but 99% of them don't even bother to dress up!
OK, poor, sure, put a sheet over your head....of course in my hood that could be considered dressing up like the KKK!!
In any case, the worst is the crack head ADULTS that come to the door insisting that they are getting candy for their kid at home who is sick. Whatever!

I'm fortunate in that this year Halloween is on a Saturday so I can actually go out. When it rolls back to the week days I'm not sure what I'll do...that's 2 years form now. Maybe by then I'll live in a neighborhood where I can go back to decorating my front porch and giving out candy. I hope so.

Usually the night would be spent ( if going out) at Trackside, but since that marvelous hole in the wall has burned down as as yet never been rebuilt, Twains is apparently the place to be.

I hope we have a blast! I'm really looking forward to it and lets face it, I need a good night out.

Ahhhh Halloween!!
The one night of the year you can dress slutty and no one cares..in fact, its encouraged!
SO lets all have a great one and start the fall out right!!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN CHARLIE BROWN!!

Fall

2009-10-06T07:36:00.003-04:00

Wow, its October. Where does the time go?
Last night I got up when I was about to go to sleep to put an extra blanket on the bed. Yep, its fall.
Fall is a great time of year in Georgia. Even though as a rule I'm not a huge fan of this city, the weather really is pretty nice overall.

So here's whats been going on....

In a nut shell: Football season has been great! Alabama has won every game so far and looks like a real fighting team this year. My weekends have been spent either preparing for, watching, or recovering from football Saturdays. We've spent a few games at Nancy & Shelleys house, one at my parents house, and last weekend was a party at my house.
It was a beautiful day. We set up the TV on the deck and had turkey chili that I made the night before. Everyone was cheering, laughing drinking and eating.
Even though there were a few people missing that I would have loved to have seen there, overall it was a great day. Really could not have asked for better weather or company.

The job seems to be rolling along too. Honestly nothing positive or particularly negative to report, and I'm thinking that's just the way this job is going to be. I'm glad and blessed to have it though so no complaints.

Socially Ive just been, well unsocial...wait, that's not entirely true I mean I do see people every Saturday for the games so I guess I'm actually more social than I have been in a while. It just doesn't necessarily feel that way if I'm just going over to peoples houses and not "out".

This weekend is an out of town one for the folks and we have the option of going up for the weekend. I was really pulling for one last pool day but it doesn't look like its in the cards. We've actually only had one since we've come back from the beach, which is unusual. Oh we swam at night the one time I was up there for football, but theres been only one last day of sunshine and laying out. I do miss that.

Its funny, I love the fall. The change of season, the leaves falling off the trees, and the cool weather coming in, but I miss summer. I never used to be a summer person but in the last few years Ive come to really enjoy it in spite of the fact that I am usually forced indoors in social situations due to the fact that I wear so many "foundation garments", and am usually roasting in any kind of heat. No shorts either in public. So what do I miss?

Well for one thing I really miss the pool days.
I love going to my parents house.Its private, and I can let it all hang out there. The sun feels great and I love swimming!
I look forward to opening pool day for months, and the season, although usually longer than most people have in Atlanta, is never long enough.

On the other hand, the fall is a great time too. Its as if we get a special gift for having to say goodbye to summer. I mean even if your not a football fan theres all kinds of things that go on from now until January.

Old man winter...January...
That's the time when I REALLY start to miss summer. Nothing to do, crappy weather and no holidays.
So lets not go there just yet!

Anyhooo, things are good. I'm happy and just trotting along it seems. Still working out in the morning, and working Saturdays in to the picture. I'm so glad Ive been keeping up with this routine, and a couple of weeks ago I got confirmation that it has not gone unnoticed.
I was out at Thinking Man, and more than one person that I have as friends on my Facebook page came up to me and congratulated me on getting up and hitting the treadmill at 4AM every morning.
It really made me feel great. There is still no great weight loss happening, and although I really want there to be I'm totally satisfied with myself at the moment.
These changes Ive been making over the past 6 months have definitely been slow, but I feel like because of that slowness they are here to stay, and that makes them worth waiting for.

So life rolls into fall and with it I hope my good fortune and great life continue drama free and with the glass very much half full. :)

Waking UP

2009-09-17T14:46:00.002-04:00

It’s been a while hasn’t it. Seems like my posts are getting more and more spread out. Well its largely due to the fact that I used to always update things at work, and now with the new job it’s hard to do that. Not that I don’t have time, just I have a house full of people at my back looking over my shoulder and I can’t be “caught” doing personal things I guess. Oh I know people do them, I’m just in a position (literally) where I can be seen!

So here I am SNEAKIN!!!

So update on the beach. It was a great time. Beautiful weather and wonderful company. I learned a few things about a few people too, myself included.
There was a point when one of my sisters, who has totally changed her body and life, and is pretty much as miserable as ever, or so it seems by her attitude anyway.
She’s so self involved now that she is convinced I’m “jealous” of her.

Jealous of what? Well let’s see. She’s successful, thin, pretty, and just had a body makeover thanks to 18K worth of surgery. So yeah, on the outside I can see where she might think I would be jealous.

But she’s miserable. I mean really. She’s harsh. Her tone of voice says it all. She can speak 5 words and you feel like you want to back away.

AM I jealous of her? No. ………No. I can honestly say I’m not.

Also, I was really pissed at her for saying that at first, but now I’m glad, because it held up a mirror to my own life that I really didn’t see before, and guess what? I’m happy!

Do I wish I had more money? Yes, of course. Do I wish I had stayed in college and done something different with my life? Sure. Do I wish I had not gained back so much of the weight I fought so hard to lose? Of course!

BUT………..

I’m a totally different person than I was 9 years ago.

Oh She is as well, and I think in our own ways we BOTH have improved ourselves. She has physically changed, and worked very hard to do so.
I know how she feels right now, (even if she doesnt realize it).
Ive said this a million times...
When I lost all that weight before, I thought all my problems were going to be over. But they weren’t.
She thinks she is the expert at dieting…(and said so, literally), and throws her opinion about with venom without realizing it.
I never ONCE in the time that I was actually thinner than her (first and only time in my life) and working out all the time and eating differently …never ONCE did I throw a
“You need to be doing this….”
Type sentence at her, and that’s what comes out of her mouth all the time now.

No no! Don’t even TRY and disagree, or have your own opinion based on your OWN experiences, because “CLEARLY whatever YOU did before didn’t work”, and IIII ( ME ME ME ME ME!! HER HER HER!!) have ALL the answers.

You know what I say to that? Write a book honey.
You and the other 5 million people out there that have managed to find out what works for THEM will make bank. But the people that buy it will lose, and not the weight.

Am I jealous? No. As a matter of fact I’m almost inclined to feel sorry for her.

The unhappiness that she felt in her marriage has now turned into a bitterness from rejection of another man that she fell for. Now, unable to let that person go, she lashes out and judges others in spite of her pronouncing that she wants only for people to be themselves. It’s not true. She really thinks she knows best.

Well, I don’t know best for sure, but I DO know that over the past 6 months…maybe even 6 years or more, I’ve been slowly waking up, and I’m not done yet.

I’m very proud of myself right now, and whether anyone else can tell, I do exercise, and I AM working on myself. Maybe it’s not YOUR (her) way, but it makes me feel proud and good about myself, and frankly, after fighting this battle for over 35 years, I think I’m qualified to say what works for ME.

Also, I’m allowed to feel good about myself the way I am.
I don’t require to be a size 4 to feel like I’m a good looking woman.
OK, ok, I know the world at large…(no pun intended)...has it in for folks like me, and yes there are still going to be times when I’m sure that someone is making fun of me, even at this age.
It’s part of my life.
I still feel uncomfortable eating in front of people. Its somethg I struggle with every day. But Im working on it.
I don’t think I will EVER be thin. Healthy, yes, THINNER, yes. But flat belly skinny? Doubtful. Its not in my jeans....(ummm cause everything else IS!)

That does NOT mean I’m giving up to being this heavy forever. It just means I’m giving myself permission to be HAPPY with myself as I AM.

I finally think that’s OK.

Beach days!

2009-08-18T16:26:00.002-04:00

Well its beach time again! This I hope will be decidedly better than last years tragic trip. Its hard to believe John has been dead for a year. How time does fly.

Ok, so as not to get on a morose line of thinking, I'm looking forward to this trip more than i ever have. Im not sure if its the job or what, but I need this vacation, and Im going to do my best not to let s few recent family irritations get in my way.

Also, Ive cleared 5 months of working out, 2 1/2 of which have included the upper and lower body work was well. Im really feeling great about it and have decided that Im just going to have to MAKE myself cut out food items when I get back from vacation.

It is extremely frustrating to know that what im doing in a "normal" person would be making them lose weight, and that Im going to have to really sacrifice some serious grub in order to make it happen for me. Yes, extremely frustrating indeed.

That being said, I'm still not going to go overboard, but I would like to see some results other than the 20 ish lbs Ive managed to lose and keep off since I started this back in April.

I feel stronger. I know that Ive gained stamana and muscle tone, although under the layers its hard to tell. I also know that muscle helps to burn fat, so hopefully in 3 more months I'll start to see some results.

I think the biggest point for me right now is that I'm doing it. Not since 2001 have I kept up working out this consistently, and I'm damn proud of myself. Even if no one believes me because I'm not showing it. Screw em.

This is for ME!

Bored....again....

2009-07-30T12:23:00.003-04:00

Some days its better than others, then theres days like today. I'm sitting here at my desk, sneaking to type this. Just wishing I had something legitimate to do.

I'm so worried I'm going to lose my job.

Ive got 4 and 1/2 hours left. UGH.

Then tomorrow. What then?

I'm so bored I cant even think of anything good to talk about.

out.....

FRUSTRATED!

2009-07-22T07:42:00.001-04:00

Frustration is setting in.

I come to work every day hoping that its going to be better. Some days it is and some days its like this. I’m sitting here doing nothing. Just like yesterday and the day before.
Already having asked the only person here that I can actually GET work from and being told nope, nothing for you, I’m SOL.

Not the case for Ms. J. She will be arriving in about 45 minutes, and will be busy from the minute she gets here until she leaves, and will likely leave work to be done for the next day.
I’m going to lose this job. I can just feel it heading my way. I’m terrified of being out there aging, in this economy it’s going to be hell.

It took me 3 years of sending out resumes to even get this one, and that was only because my sister knew one of the boss guys who works here.

Why did they even hire someone when clearly I’m not needed? I know why. Despite her claims that she “fought” to have me hired (or anyone) because she was SOOO busy, I think Ms. J is a put on. I think she works on things and does it slowly so she appears to be really busy all the time. Or at least it seems that way, so they thought she might need help. She says it was her idea. That she was the one who asked to hire another person. I wonder. I really do.
Was she not getting her work done? Is that why I’m here? Because for the life of me I just don’t get it.

Id say easily out of the 40 hours a week I’m here, 20 of those are spent milling about making up things to do for myself. 10 hours playing at the computer (like now) and 10 doing actual work.
At my old company when there was nothing to do at least I was alone and not being watched like a hawk by everyone in sight. Here I’m on display. If I’m idle it’s pretty much common knowledge.

I’ve been in fear of them figuring out that I’m really an unnecessary expense since about my second month here, but now I have a real reason. Last week Ms J told me to be careful not to let the big boss man, Mike, know that I wasn’t busy all the time. She said if he found that out he’d think I was not needed and Id likely lose my job.

My first thought. I KNEW IT!!! Everyone kept telling me I was being paranoid, but I don’t think so. Either Ms. J has changed her mind and doesn’t really like me enough to want to keep me here, or she’s figured out that I’m way more efficient than she counted on and really doesn’t need me after all.

Whatever the case, I’m really on edge.

Not only is it just annoying as hell to be bored all day in this place, but to watch her be busy, PILES of work on her desk, and not be given any of it even after asking over and over.….I just don’t know what to do. I mean I’m really trying to be a part of the team here. I want people to come to me with work because they know I can do it. Not wait until J shows up and then have her delegate it out like its some prized gift!

As you can tell, the woman gets on my nerves. For someone who is so sweet to your face I get the feeling she’s as manipulative as they come.

Then again maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m not being a team player and my shyness is getting in the way of people getting to know me, thus they don’t feel like I want to be part of the team.

*sigh*

I just wish I could have my old job back but with the benefits, and the work, needed to keep me there. I could have been happy there forever.

I told Sammie this morning in email that if I lose my job I’m just going to go into foreclosure on my house, file for bankruptcy and move to the Caymans’ with him. He can be my sugar daddy!!
I know much of the world is facing grim financial times right now, and I’m VERY thankful that I have this job even if I’m not really happy in it. I don’t want to lose it. I just wish I was able to be a real part of things instead of such an outsider. I’m afraid I’m never going to fit in here and it seems that’s a requirement to stay.

Looking back, and then forward

2009-07-20T08:00:00.000-04:00

Every year about this time I tend to go back and look over my calendar and see what my body has been up to in the past year. Meaning have I lost or gained weight. I keep a dry erase calendar in my work out room where I record the daily activities and weight. On the side of it I have marked the start weight and end weight of each month throughout the year, and have kept the month of July up for the past 3 years. You know, just to see what I was doing in years past. What’s frustrating is that from what it looks like, even though I’ve only recently, (as in for 4 months now,) been really consistent and great about my work outs. Including the weight lifting and all that for just the past month now. So it seems that despite that fact I’ve stayed right where I am for at least 3 years.
I lose and gain the same 6 to 8 lbs a week. Losing it by Friday, gaining it back on Monday and gone again by the following Friday. I end up at my magic number about once every couple of weeks or within one lb of it. But I cat break through it.
Strangely I think my eating habits as of late have been worse that ever and I’ve gotten into some old habits that I had long ago dismissed. Like bread. I’ve always loved me some bread, but for years I never kept it in the house, only buying it for special occasions like a dinner party or something. Or even buying a loaf of low fat wheat and it would sit in my fridge untouched for a month or more, until I finally used it up on a random toast morning or something like that.
Lately, however, I seem to be overflowing with it. I took a good survey of my fridge yesterday and discovered not only am I laden with hot dog buns and the like, but I also have had a fresh loaf of sandwich bread in my fridge now pretty much every few weeks. Eating cheese toast or peanut butter toast has become a regular habit.
Also, chocolate.
I used to be a huge sweets fan as a kid. Breaking that habit as I got older and quitting the sugar bug altogether with my one time remarkable weight loss.
I didn’t really pick it up again until recently, and it all started with a chocolate bar I bought that was on sale.
Well, OK, maybe before that I was eating sorbet…chocolate sorbet. Fat free but full of sugar. Also, when Id go to my parents house Id always forage through the pantry for random cookies or chocolate. My dad has the sweet tooth of a 5 year old so there is always something around.
But the candy bar. I haven’t bought a candy bar in YEARS. I mean so far back I cant even remember. Yes, I’ve had candy bars here and there, but I used to get a friend or my sister Beth to buy them for me because I was too embarrassed. That is until about a month ago. I was in Kroger and having a craving. I passed the candy isle as I always do, but this time I stopped. I had to get some gum, and it just so happened that right next to the sugar free gum section was a display of fine chocolates that were on a close out sale. 70% coco, which is a lower calories dark chocolate, and one with cacao bits in it. I bought one.
I put it in my freezer and forgot about it for a week. That is until the weekend when I was buzzed and foraging for sorbet and came across it. I had one piece. An ounce, and it was marvelous!!
I thought, well, its better chocolate than a Hershey bar by far, and its lower in fat, and if I just have one ounce that’s not too bad as a treat now and then.
So the next week I went back to Kroger for my normal weeks groceries, and again while passing the candy isle I spied the same bar on close out sale. I thought, wow, well, these are a great deal and if I’m going to eat chocolate now and then id better get them before they are gone. So I did. I bought 5 bars.
It didn’t feel like I was buying candy though. More like I was buying baking chocolate. 70% coco ya know.
I didn’t gorge on them, but my once in a while treat was becoming an every day treat. The end of my meal at night during the week had a dessert now, and that had not been a habit of mine for many many years.
One ounce, sometimes 2. Calories about 200, and fat I think 8 grams. But add that up and that’s an extra 1400 calories a week. Sometimes more on a weekend when I was feeling frisky.
When those ran out I decided to give myself a real crazy treat. Somores. I haven’t had a Somore in years and thought, oh just this weekend after grilling out.
SO I got the marshmallows, the graham crackers, then Hershey bars. I think it was a Wednesday. When I got through with dinner that night I wanted one right then, so I had 4.
They were sickly sweet and familiar tasting, but really the sweetness was way too much. I ate them anyway and continued to have them every night until my package of graham crackers were gone.
I decided after that not to do that again, and to go back to the dark, less sugary chocolate.
Last week when I went shopping again the dark delicious fancy chocolate that Id been buying was finally sold out. I considered not getting anything, but decided on a different brand and got 2 bars.
Had a piece on Friday night. Eh, its OK. Not the same as the other though.
Also this weekend was spend having high fat foods loaded with carbs and calories. Hot dogs on white bread with chili and cheese Eaten at 3 AM and again Sunday afternoon.
I got on the scale this morning and have gained 9 lbs since Saturday. How can I gain 9 lbs in 2 days? Wait, really ONE day.
So I have to stop. I’m destroying everything I do week by week in a matter of 48 hours of overeating and choosing the wrong foods.
I do want to be healthy. I’m sick of myself the way I am , and I know I am going to have to give up things that I enjoy. There’s just no way around it.

I’ve never been a person that can have a little of anything.
For me, one piece of pizza is opened the door to eat crap again.
That’s what happened to me years ago. I had cut out all the bad cap, and when I finally started allowing myself to eat those things “here and there”, my once in a while became every weekend.
Self control. I have very little of that it seems. I’m just tired of being the fat girl in the room. I mean the REALLY fat girl. I don’t think I care anymore if I’m overweight, I just cant be this heavy anymore.
For years I’ve struggled with making myself exercise regularly again, and I really feel like I finally have that back again for good, so its time to tackle the other thing. Food.
I told myself when I started exercising 4 months ago that Id give myself a month and then start slowly chipping away the bad food habits. Instead of that it seems to have gotten worse.
Yep. Its time to jump in with both feet. I’m going to be miserable for a while I know. I just hope I can make myself do it.

We’ll see.

Family Frustration

2009-07-16T09:51:00.005-04:00

Ive always been a talker. Ive always been the one in my friend and family group to get things out on the table. Even if the table is already full.

Lately I find myself more and more the only open book of my family. Sure there are some things I keep to myself, but as far as keeping open the lines of communication, I'm there.

This is not usually a problem until you start getting people with hurt feelings and other crap that they just let fester and refuse to talk about.

I get it. Some people aren't talkers. Or maybe they just think that they are right and no one will see their point of view.

I would argue that if not given a chance to hear the problem, how do you know?

July...already!

2009-07-06T12:41:00.005-04:00

Its July, and that means that more than half the year has gone by already.

It never ceases to amaze me just how fast time really does go by.

I was thinking about that yesterday afternoon as I sat on my comfy couch contemplating when I should pack it in for an early nights rest.

The clock gave me 3 hours until my allotted self imposed bed time, and I thought, you know, I will do this and that and those 3 hours will be gone in a blink.

The same can not , unfortunately, be said about time at work.

Its not that I hate my job by any means. I'm just sort of indifferent about it.

Don't get me wrong, in this economy I'm VERY grateful to have it, and I thank God for it constantly. I guess I just wish there was more to it.

Lets face it, mindless paper pushing was not what I signed up for, and maybe this will develop into more later, but right now its a great big YAWN!

Like where is the photography part going to come in to play? Will I get my own projects? I mean I was hired as a Project Coordinator with the guise of also handling the photography end of things on occasion. None of this has come into play thus far.

OK ok, yes its only been 3 1/2 months. I'm still getting my feet wet in many areas.

I'm riding with it. What else can I do?

I did FINALLY get conformation ...well sort of... today that my requested vacation time will be OK. I was beginning to worry about it seeing as how I gave it to big boss man about 6 weeks ago.

I have to say, I'm looking forward to vacation this year with a fervor that I don't think Ive had yet. I mean yes I always like the beach, the time off, the time with my family. But for some reason this year it seems even more necessary.

I have a strange feeling that this might be our last year together vacationing as a family.

Elise ( sister #2) is becoming more and more irritated with the system that we have as far as who sleeps where and blah blah blah. Shes pissed that she pays as much as my parents do (which everyone does), and never gets the master bedroom. I don't know why this bothers her, but it does.

Shes pissed about a lot of things when it comes to our parents it seems. Mostly because she thinks they don't really do things for her like they do for me or my sister #1, Beth.

I cant explain why there is a difference in this but it is true to an extent. I know their love for us is all equal but she seems very resentful of the "help" mom and dad have given me and Beth.

On that note, shes really never asks for help either, and she is financially MUCH better off than either of us are. Even mental support is hard for her to ask for.

I'm not sure, but it seems like she really needs to sit down with them and just get some things off her chest.
She got some of it off her chest on me last Thursday, and ever since then Ive been trying to think of a real response to the things she said to me. This is taking some time because after mulling it over a good deal, I think shes wrong to think the way she does, and its really bothering me.

So anyway, with this being my thought, among others like the fact that my mom is now retired and my dad is really worried about paying off their debt before he drops dead, I'm guessing that this really might be the last one.

I guess we'll find out if the house doesn't get booked when were down there.

It would really be a shame if that happens, but to be honest I cant afford it. I never could. My contribution this year will simply be the fact that I actually get paid for vacation time, but they ( mom & dad) are still footing my portion on the bill for the house and the food and everything else.

I might take a credit card with me and try and pay for my meals, but I'm also really trying to get out of debt myself.

We'll see. It just seems like a doomed tradition right now. Maybe she will feel differently when she has someone to go with her again. Some of that frustration I was being hit with I'm sure is her current personal situation.

I'm just not worried about it anymore for myself. I'm not saying NO I'll never...I'm just saying Its OK if I don't.

Meanwhile, I was a little bad last week toward the end. I didn't get my 4 -5 days in for the first time in months and I feel wrecked about it. Just have to pick up and start over again. Keep on Swimming as Dori would say.

I need a wrench

2009-06-25T13:21:00.003-04:00

In my life it always seems like when something is going particularly well something has to throw a wrench into it.
As of the end of this month I will have been steadily doing the morning treadmill for 3 solid months. 4 to 5 days a week. Pretty great I think. 2 weeks ago I added weights to the party. Every other day I do upper and then lower body weight training. Ever better I say!
That was until yesterday, when my treadmill belt started to slip. I mean REALLY badly.
I mean really?!! Oh no you DIDN'T!!!
After havering it all these years NOW it decides to crap out on me?
OK ok...don't panic....so I go on line and look up replacement belts.
Just so happens that the one I have costs $350..Yes that's right folks. And I only paid $150 for the whole damn machine to begin with!!
After some serious swearing and a few urges to spit, I manage to find what I HOPE will be a suitable replacement, even though its not exactly what is on there now.
$80, OK that I can handle.
Need the instructions separately..OK, I'm sure I can find those on line...
looking..looking....AH HA!

So it seems maybe I can tighten the belt after all. No replacement needed. (maybe).
Tools needed: Allen wrench...2 regular clamp wrenches. Ummm nope, don't have either.
This would have been when I would have gone into the shop at my old job and foraged for what I needed. I forget that my endless supply of tools and repair crap is now gone!

Ace hardware down the street from work...get wrenches (wenches), check.
So now I'm good to go. (maybe)
All I know is, if I get home today and start monkeying around with this thing and make it worse, I'm going to want to break something in half.

Glass half full: it will be fixed as of today.
We'll see.

Tired

2009-06-23T08:11:00.000-04:00

I’m tired.
My Dog is sick and I’ve been missing out on a good deal of sleep recently. Besides the general worry, she has a terrible racking cough that keeps her and me up all night.
There’s nothing I can do about it either. She’s old and her heart is just giving out.
She’s made it to 19 years old and I’m thinking she won't see 20. I miss her already. I think when she finally goes I’m going to realize just how alone I really am.
It’s funny how an animal can provide you with such complete companionship without doing anything but being there. My house will be too quiet and my heart will be empty.
Everyone thinks I will get another dog, but I’m not so sure.
When I got Scruffy it wasn’t because I was looking to have a pet. I’d been without pets for a few years and frankly was liking the freedom it allowed me.
But she was different. Coming from another home at age 11 she was known to me from “Scruffy Sitting” a few years before that. The couple she belonged to were named Roman and Chad. They themselves had been together since she was a puppy and she had traveled with them wherever they went, which apparently was quite a few places!
The first time I ever set eyes on her I fell in love! I remember it was a dinner party at their house, and I had sort of invited myself. I came in the door and she was in mid run around the kitchen chasing, and being chased by their other dog Chester. She was a tiny ball of fire and I adored her immediately!
From that time on, when ever Roman and Chad would go out of town I would volunteer to watch her. I never imagined a few years later she would be mine, but she was.
They broke up and she needed a home so I jumped at the chance. I didn’t want a dog, I wanted Scruffy.

Since that time I have adored and doted on her for 8 years, and although I didn’t own her from birth I feel like I have always been her mamma!
She’s a stinky old rotten spoiled little mess of a dog and I think I’m going to break in half when she dies.
No. I won’t want another dog. You can’t replace something like this.
I hope when it comes for her it will be peaceful and at home. I hope I’m there to comfort her and make sure she feels safe. I hope one day I’ll see her in heaven. And I hope most of all that none of this will happen for a long time, but I know better.
So I’m tired, and I miss her already.

39 and Counting

2009-06-16T12:23:00.002-04:00

So I'm here. My last year in my 30s. Actually Ive been here for 5 days now so officially I have 300 days left in my 30s.
This is not an easy one for me for some reason. The actual birthday weekend was good though. Crazy, but good.
Sometimes the unexpected surprise in life can turn your head in a direction that you weren't expecting.
This happened to be the case with me on Friday night, my actual birthday night, when out celebrating I came upon a situation that I was certainly NOT expecting.
I will call him D, and I'm pretty sure Ive mentioned him before in this series of tales, but if not, quick background.
Known him for I think going on 10 years now, but not very well until the last few years, and still not as well as his "real" friends know him.
Works in the city as a bartender and is one of the nicest people Ive ever met.
Had a serious crush on him for about 3 years now.
So after a lovely dinner with a great group of friends, I decided to go out for a night cap and ran into D.
Details aside, it ended up being an experience I thought Id never have, and now that Ive had it, I'm left with mixed feelings.
I think my problem is I let myself believe that because this one was soo different, ( nice, sweet, loving) that what was happening was coming from him really liking me. Not from the usual place of hey, were drunk and here, lets go at it.
I was of course, wrong.
SO I spend the remainder of my wild weekend pondering what it is that makes me so unlikeable, beyond the fat.
Maybe it is just the fat, and maybe not.
In any case, Ive upped my exercise and I'm going to work on the food next.
Baby steps for me please, but not so small that I'm still in this position next year when the big 40 is upon me.
I need change.
Its happened a good deal already just from having the new job. Also, I'm going on 3 solid months of consistent exercise in the morning before work.
Last Friday I decided to add 30 minutes of weights to my routine, and today I got up and did it and felt great about it.

Is it like before? The drive I had years ago that pushed me into not eating and working out like a maniac?
No. But its something. Its more than Ive done for myself I years and I'm proud of it.

Is this change because of D?
No. I had this going before the birthday incident, and will not let what he does or thinks about me effect it either way.

Will I be able to keep this up and really make a change?
Yes. I really think I will. Its starting to feel like a normal thing to get up at 4:00 in the morning and work out.

So whats left?
Right now 2 big things are in my way of making any progress. The food I'm eating and the booze I'm drinking.
During the week I'm pretty good with the food part and no booze at all. On the weekends however, its a whole different ball game.

Baby steps. Get the exercise down then chip away at the diet.
This is for life after all, but the thing is while I'm happy with my personal progress its not showing on my body and I feel like I'm losing out again.
Like what if in the last 3 months Id been working on the food too and lost 20 lbs. What would D have done then?
Would that change anything anyway?
One thing I'm sure I wont know. Not from him anyway.

I don't regret what happened, and I'm glad I can feel OK with him and he with me, but the emptiness that I felt had filled up for those moments is empty yet again, and no amount of food will fill that one up.

Happy Birthday to me.

2009-05-19T07:25:00.006-04:00

How lucky am I?

Ive got a great family, good friends, comfortable home, money in my pocket ( well sort of), and a good job.

Im lucky.

So why do I feel so crappy these days? I have no idea whats happening with me but I swear I am in a FUNK!

For weeks now I walk around smiling with absolutely no feeling behind it. I get up like a drone, get on the treadmill, go to work, endure the boredom, come home, have some supper, go to bed before the sun goes down.

I cant get enough sleep.

On the weekends when I CAN actually sleep forever I dont, and during the week its getting to where Im going to bed so early I barely have time to come home and eat dinner.

last night I was crawling into bed at 6:50. Granted I stayed up watching TV until almost 8:00...so yeah, about an hour, but i was having to fight to stay awake.

I get up early. 4:00 was the goal, now Ive pushed that to 4:45. I "sleep in" on Monday mornings. 5:45 and skip the treadmill.

So Im doing 4 days a week on the mill, which has lasted for over 6 weeks now. I should really be happy about that.

Have I seen any results from it? No.

Well, other than knocking off the weight I put on over the weekend I guess. Id really hoped that I could get 15 solid pounds off before my birthday. Technically as of today Ive got 12 to go. By Friday that might be down to 7, but it will all be back by Sunday. This is the same poundage Ive ben gaining and losing every week for at least 6 months now. * sigh*

I guess I should just be happy that Im actually exercising that much. No, its not what I need to be doing (obviously), but when I say its better than nothing, thats really true.

The truth is I lost my ability to say "no" to myself. I do OK during the week, and honestly, if I was happy with my current weight I could maintina this forever by behaving for 4 days and blowing it out for 3. Im not happy though.

Right now I donrt know what I feel like, which is probably why its been so hard to write recently. I havent had much to say.

Still dont, so thats all for now.

Blah

2009-05-12T07:14:00.001-04:00

Cranky today. Really cranky.

Tired Tired TIRED!

2009-05-04T13:12:00.003-04:00

Mondays suck.
They just do.
Even with the proper amount of sleep and no misbehaving on Sunday they still suck.

Did I say that? yes, Yes I did. MONDAYS SUCK!

So my friend Anne is heading to Australia as we ( or I ) speak. I'm pea green with envy! In all her travels this is the one place I really with I could go to.
Why don't I you ask?
Expensive.
Super long flight
Expensive
Not sure if I could fit in a plane seat and refuse to endure the humiliation if not.
Expensive.

Shes flying into Sydney and Ive asked her to PLEASE go to Queenscliff for me because that's the one place ID really like to go.
Its probably nothing like i imagine it to be, but its not far from Sydney so hopefully she will make it.

Good luck my friend!! I hope you meet a HOT Aussie!

Its been a WHILE!

2009-04-27T11:36:00.003-04:00

OK so I really got slack on the posting here in the last few months didn't I.
Not that anyone actually READS my crap, but it is nice to be able to look back on it myself.

Well, a lot has happened in that blank stretch of time. I'm at my new job, and finished out my first full month last Friday. Its been good for the most part. I'm learning all kinds of new things and meeting new people. I think I'm really going to do well here. The people so far have been great. I'm sure there are a couple that I'm not going to be real fond of, but its business and that's that.

The last day at my old job was good and went out with a whimper. I got all dressed up and fancy thinking Bobby would do something special for it, but he didn't and I was pretty disappointed. He asked me to come back in on that Friday to go over a few things and I begrudgingly agreed to do so.
When I pulled up in the parking lot Friday I saw all the trucks lined up and I knew I wasn't there for work. So I got the going away send off I had imagined and it was every bit as emotional as I thought it would be for all concerned.
When I was leaving The Muffin ..( OK wait, I cant really call him that anymore so lets just call him Aaron) so AARON took me aside and told me that The Lovely Wife, ( hereafter known as Renee) is pregnant!!! I was and am SO happy for them!!!

I still had not heard from her since the big blow up last December but Aaron assured me that she would be calling me soon.
I wasn't worried about it. I figured when she gets ready to get over it she will call me and if not then oh well.
So a few weeks passed and 2 Fridays ago i went out to dinner with my Gusband, Sammie, who was moving to the Caymans for work the following week. We went to Parker's on Ponce where we sat in the bistro section and also where Renee was tending bar. After a couple of hours she came over and gave me a big hug saying shed really missed me. So I think we will be alright. I will probably not see her much either way just because we are on such different schedules but I will make an effort to try.
I'm happy for them and the new baby!!

Its funny how things work out. I sometimes think if that had not happened to us I wouldn't have been ready to leave that place and thus would never have gotten this job.
Of course the fact that my hours were so severely cut didn't help, but I think I would have done something part time to get by and waited the drought out.

The environment I'm in now is so much different than Ive ever been in. Sometimes I'm glad about it ...mostly due to the fact that being a "business casual" place I get to wear all my pretty shoes!!, but also because its forcing me to be more responsible and I really need that structure.
I guess I do sometimes miss the freedom I had before, but looking at it from the point of others, I really am lucky to have even FOUND a job much less a good one that has all the perks as well as more money.
I also believe I'm going to go further here than I ever would have back at good old RJCO.
Hell, there was no where else TO go!
I'm going to be OK I think, I just need to stay focused.

So for the past month Ive been, for the most part, getting up at 4:15AM and working out before coming into work at 7:00AM. I get to leave at 4:00 and avoid a ton of traffic that way, and get the benefit of the morning work outs.
I promised myself one month to get used to the routine, then Id start working on my eating habits again.
Well the month is now gone and I did really well up until last week. I had gone 4, 5, even 6 days a week working out, then last week I fell off the wagon big time, cutting it down to only 2 days. This was because I did bad bad things on Sunday afternoon and was sick as a dog Monday, and actually called in. Not "sick" I made up a lame Dr apt excuse that I could kick myself for.
Bad Bad BAD!!!
I swore to myself that I wouldn't behave like that and there I was.....ugh. So needless to say I did the whole Im tired and recovering bit for 3 days and finally Thursday and Friday got back on the treadmill wagon.
This last Sunday I was going to be good too. And then I wasn't, so I was an hour late coming in. Woopsie!
I really know what I'm doing is jacked up and I also know from a comment made today about the "tart" receptionist we have ( shes gone and I'm filling in for her...she called in sick..) to the tune of, " she seems to always be sick on Mondays"... and my skin just crawled.
Why? Well, because so far due to my excess on Sunday Ive been late to work 2 times and out once entirely, and Ive only worked here a month.
Not good.
So Ive just got to make myself behave more.
I cant understand my mind sometimes.

Anyway, theres more and more to tell but this entry is getting longer and longer, so I'll pick it up again tomorrow. Not going to get behind again!!

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

2009-03-13T09:02:00.002-04:00

Ive been waiting, and now its here. I got my dream job! Well, maybe dream job...whatever! In this economy I got a GREAT job! Hows that? !! More updates later, just had to kick myself back into the blog world again!
Happy Happy HAPPY!!!!

Change is in the Wind...

2009-01-27T11:51:00.003-05:00

.....And not just for the country!

Ive been officially cut at work and I'm desperately trying to find a job. In this economy, not so easy.
I did have a bright spot in my search yesterday. Id recently been in touch with an old high school friend through Facebook and remarkably on the very day I got this terrifying news, she emailed me asking for my resume.
I went to interview yesterday and I think they liked me, the only issue is that the pay sucks. I mean REALLY sucks. Id be taking a huge pay cut to go with them, but the company itself is really cool.
I'm kind of torn. I feel like I might be able to talk my current boss into letting me come in after hours to do his paperwork and hopefully that would make up for the loss at the new job. On the other hand, I really hate the thought of working 60 hours a week.
I know I should be grateful for any opportunity that's out there right now, and I really am. I just wish it wasn't like this.
Frankly after the news of my hours being cut again I really hope to find a position that will take care of my needs and I'll be able to tell boss man to go F%^! himself.
I'm pissed at being put in this position, and I really would love to walk away and know that hes going to be screwed without me in the office. At least for a while.
Ive been here for 8 years and the whole place runs the way Ive set it up to run. Hell the boss man hardly even knows what is in his bank account most of the time.Hes got no clue what bills are due when, or how to use the tracking system I created, or how to do the end of the month reports or what things to get together for our insurance audits...I could go on.
I'm not saying an 18 year old college kid that needs a part time job couldn't come in here and do it for 10$ an hour, but it will take time to make it all work out.

So we'll see. I mean I might not even get offered the job. I have another possible interview out on the horizon at the Ga. State Bar as a receptionist. The job has growth potential and pays better than this other one to begin with. And I'm sure its got great benefits being a state job. Draw back is I feel like I'll be walking into a hum drum world of lawyers and people bitching about lawyers and nothing creative at all.
I feel like the low paying job is a creative place that maybe if I work very hard I might be able to move into a different, higher paying job at the company. Although just how long it would take me to get back to a decent level of living I have no idea. They gave me the impression yesterday that there was no real way to tell if that position would go anywhere.

UUUGHHH!! I wish there was just an easy answer.

Change is hard for me. Work place changes are the worst. I did feel very comfortable in this place yesterday and I wish like hell that they just paid better. I don't know what to do. I guess I shouldn't put the cart before the horse. They might not even offer me the job after all.

*sigh* is this the best its going to be for me? Is this all there is?
If so it really doesn't leave me with a very bright outlook on life that's for sure.

I will be thankful for what I have and shut up now.

New Year

2009-01-12T11:59:00.003-05:00

I think this marks the second new year that I have been purging on this blog, and not a whole lot has changed.
Looking at the good and the bad, Ive made some new friends this past year, lost some old ones and gotten reacquainted with some as well.
I'm still single, still overweight, and still struggling financially.

I also still have a wonderful family and great friends and I'm very very blessed.

I don't know what this year has in store for me but I hope its a good one. This year I will turn 39 and I really want to make a significant dent in weight loss by 40 so I have about a year and a half to get my act together and do it. I don't want to be fat and 40. Chubby is fine, but I'm WAY beyond chubby right now and I'm not happy about it. Its so hard to make myself get up at 5AM to exercise. That's been the hardest thing to keep up. In November I was doing really well, and December I fell off the cliff, and I haven't really managed to get back up again, BUT I haven't gained anything back so at least that's something.

Sometimes I think I'm so used to my body the way it is that changing it seems completely foreign. Like maybe this is just how I'm supposed to be. Why would it be so hard to change and maintain it otherwise?

Also, I was having a chat with the man upstairs the other day about relationships and my lack of having one...ever....and I recalled that for years I have off and on been praying to not have the need in my mind to be with someone if its never going to happen.
Now I don't know if its the result of living alone and being single for so long or what, but I realized that I AM happy alone, and I'm not sure that "need" is a way Id describe my desire for companionship at all anymore, so I might have had that prayer answered after all.

Regardless of having a mate or not, I still want to feel better about my body, period, and it would be nice to think that a little human contact is not totally off the radar forever. Being thinner definitely helps that cause.

So I will keep plugging away and let life happen as it will.

Along with the wonderful gift of my family and friends I'm happy and grateful to have a job in this economy. I'm happy and grateful to be basically healthy and happy with my life. So I guess I cant complain.

:)

Happy New year and lets get to work.

The Past is Haunting Me

2008-12-08T13:42:00.002-05:00

The weekend brought weird things.
I finally confessed to The Lovely Wife that a year before they met I had been with The Muffin.
She took it better than I imagined at the time. Now I'm not so sure.
the Muffin came into my office this morning and told me he was going to be calling me this afternoon.
My heart breaks for this because I know whats about to happen. I could see it in his face.
Not anger, not even bitterness. More like a finality.

I'm going to be asked not to be in their life anymore.

I wanted to be friends with BOTH of them until I was old and crusty! I wanted to see their kids grow up! I wanted to hopefully one day have a man of my own that Muffin could be friends with and we would all hang out together!

I don't know what possessed me to reveal this long kept secret, but its out there now.

A part of me is relieved but another is already mourning the loss of 2 people that are very important to me.

I suppose in the long run its better this way, it just hurts a lot right now.

Milestone

2008-12-05T08:03:00.003-05:00

Well, tomorrow when I get on the treadmill...WHICH I WILL DO!!!....I will have reached a milestone that I haven't gotten to in years. 4 weeks in a row of working out consistently!
Out of the 4 I have 2 weeks with 4 days and as of tomorrow I will have 2 weeks with 5 days.

I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!

I feel it inside me. Maybe this time wont be like the last in time in that I wont lose the weight so fast, but I think that's OK.
Its already different in the fact that I'm doing it for ME. Its also different because I'm motivating myself and staying on the path during the week despite the temptation of my friends wanting to go out.

Weekends are my downfall at this point, but that being said, I'm still happy with my month. I really believe that getting the exercise down as a strict pattern is the most important step for me right now. During this next month I'm going to be going to parties and drinking and eating unusual things so I don't really expect to lose a bunch of weight, BUT, I do expect myself to keep up the exercise, and 4 weeks from today, when I'm writing again and can say Ive worked out consistently for TWO months, I will be beaming with pride!!!

GO ME!!!
00

Post -Feast

2008-12-02T10:28:00.002-05:00

Thanksgiving is such a great family time every year, its hard to fault the day for being such a temptation of goodies.
I guess if one has enough self control that wouldn't be a problem, but mine is not so great yet. Besides being off for 4 days in a row, which always induces situations of heavy partying, there was football game day and the going out.
All in all I didn't do so hot eating and drinking wise, but I expected that to be the case. I did, however, work out 4 days last week. The 5th day fell by the wayside on Friday due to my massive hangover and general icky feeling post- Thanksgiving pig fest.
Actually, in hind site, Thanksgiving day itself was not so bad. I really didn't over eat at all. I think the drinking was part of the blame for the weight gain, but again,I expected that to happen as it does every weekend.
So on the scale today I'm up a few pounds from my lowest again, but I haven't given up the ghost.
I'm trying to get through the holidays festivities and all with at least working out.
I might gain or lose the same 10 lbs all December long but as long as I can manage the work out..to establish a pattern..I'll feel good about myself and go on.

Itch.....

2008-11-20T15:49:00.004-05:00

I have the itch to be bad. I'm going to ride it out though. I mean its BAD too! Why on earth would I want to do something to disrupt my perfect week when Friday is literally a few hours away?
Who knows.
All I know is I'm having to pray for strength not to go out. Its like sometimes someone else is driving the bus and I'm simply a passenger.

This, of course, is ridiculous. I am in control of everything I do. High time I admit that and stop blaming the invisible bus driver with the horns poking out of his hat!!

I will go home. I will be good. I will get up tomorrow and work out like I have been doing, and I will be so grateful for my strength tomorrow when Ive done it!!

302

The Switch

2008-11-19T08:27:00.004-05:00

So I guess my cabinets contained a lot more things in them that are bad for me than I realized, because in my quest to purge I actually ended up gaining 11 lbs in about a week and a half. I think my head said, OK just eat whatever you want, and with me, if I have the TINIEST amount of overindulgence I gain weight..FAST!
That's all over now....well mostly. I had a moment last week where on Tuesday night I decided, and prayed very hard, to get up the next morning and work out, and also to go back on Weight Watchers.
So I did, and I successfully worked out Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday last week. I also did just fine on my eating (until Friday night) and between Monday, (actually really Wednesday) and Friday lost the 11 lbs. Id gained back.

Friday came and I got the itch to eat badly, so I did. I worked out Saturday and didn't eat so bad then, but Sunday I really blew it out of the ball park! I also didn't work out Sunday or Monday so on my Tuesday weigh in ( I weigh almost every day) Id again gained 6 lbs back from Saturdays lowest weight.

It really is crazy that I can lose and gain...gain especially...so fast. Today's weigh in revealed that I have dropped 2 lbs from yesterday, and hopefully by Friday I'll be back down to what I was last Friday.
That being said, in order to break this barrier I am going to have to really bust my brain to be strong over the weekend and NOT go crazy on the drinking or the eating. I hate that I make this great effort all week long only to bust it up in a 2 1/2 day period.

So I'm proud of myself for doing what I'm doing with the working out and the eating during the week, but Ive got to get through a weekend OK. Its a MUST.
I'm praying that I'm strong enough to do it, because I know its a key to success.

I have learned..or re-learned..that I'm very much all or nothing. I thought I could have a little of this or that over the weekend and discovered that I went totally overboard.

I will not be negative though, because I really think that my mind is right with this. I really think I'm ready to make a serious life change. Even if its just the working out and the healthy eating during the week right now, its a step.

Seriously, getting up at 5:00 AM to work out is HUGE for me!
That being said, I realized that as of this week this will be the first time I can remember in years that I have gone 2 weeks ( during the week) without cheating myself.
I know I'm going to make it to Saturday again working out. I just know it. This is a barrier for me that I will have broken as of Saturday as soon as I step off that treadmill. I'm not even scared that I cant or wont do it because I just feel THERE.

So despite the fact that I WAY overindulged last weekend, and might fall off that wagon again this weekend, just the consistent working out for 2 weeks is such a huge step for me that I'm going to let myself be happy about it.

I'm giving myself credit and hoping that the switch has finally been flipped.

Guess Whos Coming to Dinner?

2008-11-05T11:54:00.004-05:00

Last night I had the opportunity to witness history..along with the rest of the world. A black man is going to be our next president. I was a little pissy about the whole thing yesterday before the results started coming in.
Not because hes black, but because I was so unsure about BOTH candidates.
I frankly still am, and who ever was going to win I knew would have to do a lot of work in the next 4 years to prove to the world they were the right choice.

So I went out last night to out local hang out and among a crowd that might just as well have been out on New Years Eve, saw the world welcome Obama as our president. Not just the US..the WORLD.
I actually got choked up thinking about what his being where he is means to just the black population of the US, not to mention the overwhelming support of the world. It was remarkable.

So I'm going to lay off my bitterness and just pray that he will be able to do the right things for this country that we so badly need, and be happy that we've come so far as a nation that he can be, and is, where he is today.

The Future Looks Grim

2008-11-04T11:18:00.002-05:00

Well, today the future is upon us. Not only will we be electing a new president but for the first time in history we will either have a female vice president, or a black president.
Who did I vote for?
I cant say.
To be honest I didn't like things about both parties. I am a little afraid of things on both sides of the coin.
I'm also afraid, even though I feel certain Obama will win, that if he doesn't, the black community where I live will lose their minds and we will become like South Central LA did when they had their riots for Rodney King.
Id be right in the middle too. Well, not really, but bad enough that Id be scared.
Why do I think that that same situation wont happen in Cobb County if McCain doesn't win? Well Ive never seen a bunch of middle to upper class citizens of any race or color start trashing their own neighborhood in protest of something that didn't go their way. I cant say as much for some of the classes of people that occupy a large amount of Atlanta and the surrounding community.

I understand that this is a very passionate election for all involved. I understand that all over the country people on both sides of the coin are voting for one guy or another based solely on their race. Those are the ones that scare me the most. Those are the ones that will be the most upset.

Me, well, I'm already upset because the person I wanted to be in the White House this year didn't make it. She would have been a great president I think, and the Obama worshiping cult like thing that's happened wouldn't be an issue.

Whoever gets in the big chair I hope they are prepared to face a lot of BIG problems, because if or when they cant deliver all their lofty promises to their people theres going to be be unrest.

I think some people have this vision of Obama bringing the world together. I think that the exact opposite is going to happen. Not of his doing, but of his "followers".
On the other hand, from the moment hes elected on I guess no one can ever say that "minorities" are not equal in this country, because black man will be sitting in one of the most honored seats in the world. So maybe in that way it will shut some whiny people up, but I'm betting it wont.
People who want to whine and complain are going to do it regardless of who's up there in Washington. If McCain gets elected my bet is that a large Obama group will claim racism and unfair voting practices. The NAACP has already started in with a lawsuit claiming that Virginia doesn't have enough voting machines for the rural black communities and that they wont be able to vote blah blah blah.

On the other hand, McCain is suing as of last night to try and extend the vote count for our man and women over in Iraq claiming that their ballots are going to be late and that we should wait until November 14th for an official count.

Maybe they both have a point.

Geesh the more I go on the more it just seems like its going to be a total mess no matter what happens.
Anyone for moving to Canada? Kidding. I love this country.

Actually I cant move anyway...as I believe Ive mentioned before.....because I cant sell my house....because the economy is so bad....and because no one wants to buy a house in the ghetto.

OK, on a brighter note, America is a great country and I will support who ever gets in office because that's my duty as a citizen of this country.
Play nice nice and watch helplessly as one or the other boobs running for president screws up this wonderful place even more.

Have a nice day America.

Cleaning out the closet.

2008-10-23T09:24:00.002-04:00

Or, the pantry as it happens....
I bet if I go back through this blog I could probably find at least 10 times when Ive announced that I was ready for change. That I was going to DO IT this time!
And then a week later, maybe 2, it would all be over again.

Well, add this one to the pile, cause I'm ready...again.
I'm cleaning out my pantry, my freezer, and my fridge. I usually keep a pretty good stock of groceries on hand, and not all of them are healthy.
So this morning, after waking up disgusted with myself, again, I decided to start the cleaning process.
In the past Ive done these pantry purges and just bagged up tons of food and thrown it away. Something about just trashing it made me feel clean.
This time, however, I'm taking a different approach. I'm going to eat everything I have in the fridge, freezer and pantry, then just not buy bad things again.
I don't want to see a PACKED freezer anymore.
I want to go the grocery store and buy just what I need for the week, and that's it.
I want to have NOTHING in my house that's even remotely tempting.

Oh don't get me wrong. I'm not going to eat everything at once! no no noooo. I'm going to eat like I normally do, just using what I have and not buying anything else until I HAVE to.
This will come in handy right now because I'm pretty broke, and I happen to have enough stocks to feed a small village for a week!
So this will be a slower process of purging, and through it I will be able to enjoy a few things for the last time and be done with it.

Yes, I have to do it that way. I hear people tell me, Oh, no , you can have a little of this or that, just don't go crazy. Well guess what? I go crazy.
Ive said it before and I'll say it again. Pizza is my crack and Papa Johns is my dealer!!!

I use that as an example, but I think you get my meaning.
I have to have all or nothing. Its just the way it is.

Also, I'm again going to make the effort to get back into the severe working out.
I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and for the 10 millionth time was beside myself with disgust.
I'm 38, going on 39, and I do NOT want to live my last year of the 30s as a grotesque blob.

When I was 29 I made the decision that I didn't want to turn 30 as a huge gross girl. And I didn't. Back then I started in January and went in head first , balls to the wall. I dropped 80 lbs in 5 months.
I know it was unhealthy, but it worked for me. What I need to do now is learn how to get there again without being quite so unhealthy, maybe take a bit longer to get there, and learn to maintain it when I do get there.

I cant believe its been 9 years ago that I lost all that weight, just to be looking at it on my body again, and facing the pain and struggle to get it off again, hopefully this time for good.

I swore back then that Id never let myself be this fat again. I even told myself if I ever got past a certain number Id kill myself.
Well I did go past it, by umm, 75 lbs. and I'm still here.
I want to live the rest of my life in my real body. The one hiding under all this pain.

So the purge begins.
I need to get on that treadmill when I get home. Please God help me to do it.

Gone a while

2008-10-14T09:01:00.003-04:00

I haven't written in a while. Ive been, well, depressed I think. I mean life goes on and all that just like it always does with me. Maybe that's it..just like it always does and I need change.
The economy sucks and I will likely be losing hours at my job soon, which I cant afford. My parents helped me out last year when this happened but they cant afford to this year, even though I know they will try.
I'm a failure.
I try to lose weight, I fail. I try to find another job( for umm oh over a year now) and I fail. That failure is related to my failure to finish college, and now its too late.
Ive been spending a lot of time sleeping, which I like, but I also know its a sign of depression.
I'm so not motivated.
I'm still weighing myself and I haven't really gained weight, but of course I'm not losing it either.
My treadmill has been untouched since before I went on vacation.
Ive been praying a lot and I know Gods pretty busy these days, ( like hes never NOT busy), but I feel like I know his answer. God helps those that help themselves.
On that note, I do try..or at least I have tried..and my motivation gets squashed over and over again.
I know I'm lucky and my life is blessed with many things, and I'm thankful for all of them.
I'm just in a real bad funk and cant seem to shake it.
Help.

To John

2008-09-09T15:18:00.005-04:00

Wow, what a vacation.
I had 2 firsts on vacation this year. One, I didn't gain an ass load of weight for the first time ever, and two, I went to funeral.
So yeah, I guess this vacation had its ups and downs.

My cousin, John Belk, died in a head on car crash in his home town of Opelika Alabama at the age of 40. He was a police officer, a husband and a father of two young boys.
His Jeep was hit head on by 2 drunk drivers who fled the scene. They say he died instantly.

So basically vacation was an emotional ride. We arrived Friday the 22nd to impending tropical storm Fay, and found out on Monday , quite by chance actually, that John was dead.
The funeral was Thursday, August 28th. There were hundreds of police officers there and probably 1000 people.
I never knew what a great person John really was.
We weren't close as adults you see.
As children we were thick as thieves. He was , in fact, my best friend for may years. We traveled a lot when I was young, and I never really was any good at making friends so every summer when we came back to Alabama for a visit I got to see my best friend. He came to see us in Texas once too.
I deeply regret not being closer to him as an adult. I always knew he was a good person, but I had no idea how many people thought of him in such a special way.
He will be missed by many.

Vacation time again

2008-08-18T14:25:00.003-04:00

Well its that time of year again.
I don't think I'm going to sweat the weight thing until I get back. I'm stuck in a rut and I know myself well enough to realize that I'm not going to do anything about it until I get back.
Oh I'll exercise at the beach. Hell maybe that will even get me back into it again.
We'll see.
I'm so sick of beating myself up.
I'm taking a vacation from it all.

Disappointment

2008-08-14T08:16:00.002-04:00

Disappointment.
He canceled. Well not exactly canceled. He said he wasn't sure because his sister and brother in law were coming into town blah blah blah. Like he didn't know this on Sunday. Needless to say I have once again erased his number and all signs of him.
Whatever....
So because of my disappointment combined with getting home a little late, I didn't work out.

Today, however, I have no excuse.
So we'll see.

I'm in a funk.
Men suck.

Itch

2008-08-13T09:15:00.004-04:00

Every year at this time I get the vacation itch, although usually it is the week I'm leaving. This year its hit me a week early. Ive got 9 days ( including today) until I'm on the road to the beach and I'm already antsy and dont want to do anything.
I'm not concentrating at work, and I'm not sticking to any kind of exercise plan.
Ive been OK with eating for the most part, so I'm again wobbling at this cusp that Ive been sitting at for a year, but I just don't care right now.
OK that's not entirely true, I always care, and I really did want to be about 12 lbs lighter than I am right now by next Friday, and I probably could make that happen if I busted my ass, but every day when I go home I just look at the treadmill and sigh...then I pass it up.

Ironically last year I did work out at the beach, and I plan on dong it this year as well, however I realize it would be easier if I started NOW.

OK ok, I'm going to make a promise to myself to get on the treadmill when I get home, and to do it every day for the next 9 days until I leave.

Honestly, if I can pull that off it will be a miracle. I haven't worked out 9 days in a row in years. Hell I haven't made it 6 days in a row in years. 5 is really pushing it!

I CAN DO IT! I KNOW I CAN!!

Its not about being incapable of doing it of course, it all in the head. I wish hypnosis worked.

***sigh***

OK well I'll check back in tomorrow about that.

On another note, Juan is back in the picture...sort of. Hes been texting me again, and last Sunday we made a "date"..sort of...
Hes supposed to come over to hang out Friday night. Cook out, have drinks..blah blah blah...
If it happens..( I say if because I'm so thinking hes going to cancel) I'm going to be very happy because after all these years of us toying back and forth with each other ( among other things) this will be the first time we have met up on purpose, just the two of us.

The crazy thing is I'm so nervous!!! I mean this is a guy Ive known..*ahem* WELL...for probably at least 9 years now.
Now, its true, the time we have spent together has always involved large amounts of alcohol and very little chatting, so I actually don't know a whole lot about him. Not as much as you would think anyway.
And I'm pretty sure that he knows next to nothing about me.
Years ago he wanted to officially date me, he even said so just like that, but it was bad timing. ( I was in love with the Muffin at the time)
so Ive always wondered if I missed out on something with him. This time last year was when we began to talk again for the first time in a few years, and really, this past year with him has not gone as Id have liked. Very on and off...much more off than on.
I hope to be able to get past that starting Friday. I guess we will both figure that out pretty fast. If we have no more interest in each other than gettin' our freak on, I'm pretty sure we'll know in the first 30 minutes of hangin' out.
My hope is that after all this time I can be myself. Totally me. Funny and silly, and comfortable with him. We'll see.

Another week another pound

2008-08-05T12:26:00.002-04:00

Up down up down, another week another pound!

So I ended the week with a good loss, then had a pizza fest Sunday night and I'm back up again.

It really is remarkable to me how little it takes for me to gain weight v.s. lose it.
Actually remarkable is not the correct word for it. Friggin frustrating is much better.

Again, I cant blame anyone but myself. Papa Johns did not come break down my door, tie me to a chair and force feed me pizza.

I wish I was one of those people that could have the pizza once in a while and not gain weight from it.
I'm not though, and the sooner I face that ugly no cheese eatin fact the better off I'll be. I just get so over it all sometimes.

Ive been dealing with this "issue" since I was 5 years old, and looks like I always will be. I know it could be worse, and I'm honestly not even upset about it as I write this.

I look back at the year or so Ive been writing this blog/purge and not a whole hell of a lot has changed for me.
I basically could have written about 5 entries and cut and pasted them over and over again because nothing has changed. I follow the same big fat circle again and again.
I guess I like the ride or Id get off teh train, right?
Right?

I wish I had an inspiration.
Wish wish wish!! nope...no starts out.

::sigh::

The Road to Hell

2008-07-30T13:25:00.005-04:00

I was looking at my calender in the weight room this morning. The usual routine ya know. Get up, let out the pup to do her business, do MY business, then face the scale.
**sigh****
Back to that 2 pound area again.

I would like very much to cuss now please.....

MUTHER F*%^!#R!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, calmly, reasonably,(if not bitterly), I recognize this is completely my own doing..or undoing as it were.
The board this morning said it all. A bunch of blank spaces where there should be work out updates.

****sigh...again******

OK so last week I do have an excuse. My power was out for 2 days...no really, it was!
Then on the 4th day I was , well, tired from not sleeping in the sweat box Id been forced to endure from the power outage ( you think Id have lost a few pounds from that alone!)
so I went to bed super early without doing anything.

Then Friday came and I went out after work. Stress full week and I was in need of libations.
Saturday I got up early to go car shopping...and bought one by the way...
Saturday night I had people over, one of which stayed up with me until 6AM Sunday so needless to say Sunday was a total wash out as well.

So this week..*gulp*..no excuses.

Monday I usually always crap out. Tuesday, yesterday, I went out. I'm feeling depressed and most of the time when that happens I turn to going out instead of the healthy route, which any idiot, including ME, knows is the worst thing you can do.

OK so I'm alright today. A little tired, and I FEEL that my body NEEDS to sweat.
I can always tell when Ive been over doing things in the party department because I get what I like to refer to as the flop sweats.
I'm in the office, not wearing the usual heat stroke inducing girdle, and I go to clean up the office a bit.

Oh...My..GAWD!! I'm sweating like whore in church!!

Yeah, when I begin to sweat like this its my body SCREAMING at me to cleanse it. So my goal is to go home and do just that.
We'll see what happens. What was it they say about the road to hell being paved with good intentions?

yeah...its getting hot in here....

Icky Factor

2008-07-22T10:58:00.004-04:00

Well I haven't done anything still.
I spent the remainder of the week last week..and weekend..being bad.

I plan on doing treadmill today but truthfully I'm so uninspired and unmotivated.
The switch is off for some reason.

Frustrated with myself.

Blah!

A month from today we will be heading for the beach. Our yearly trip. looking back at last year at this time I was motivated. Going to the gym and trying to do the right thing. All temporary of course because though Ive gone up and down over the past year I pretty much weight exactly the same as I did this time last year. Oh the 20 lbs I lost is for real...see I gained that much between vacation time and the new year. After I came back from vacation I just kind of gave up for a while.

Oh hell, lets face it, Ive never been ON IT except for that one time years ago when I really did it.
Who cares if it was unhealthy. I still did it.
Id give anything to have that inner voice pushing me again. Willing me to work out like crazy and stay away from all those foods that I really should never tough again.

It was like a big tease, and now I just look back on it and cry.

This is a bad day.

Bad to the Bone

2008-07-16T09:40:00.001-04:00

OK so this week is not going so well.
No work out Monday, and last night I went out and have Mexican and Margaritas...pure fat and sugar fest!!
I did still lose ONE lb this morning though.
So today's the day. WORK THE FLAB OUT!

Monday Monday

2008-07-14T09:28:00.002-04:00

I'm always so tired on Monday!
I overslept this morning and came in to work late. Its OK. Fortunately my job is very relaxed on these things.

So Saturday morning I got on the scale and had dropped 2 lbs under the magic wall number!!

Of course today I'm back up to plus 5 OVER the number....Mondays suck.

If the week goes like last week did, however, I'll be back down by Wednesday and pushing through the wall.

I have so much weight to lose, but right now I'm focusing on this 10 lb area. I keep thinking if I can...sorry...WHEN I can get down 10 lbs under this wall number I will have broken a barrier and be on my way again.

I did work out Sunday, which ended my week with 4 days of work outs. Not too bad.
I also behaved myself all week, and felt fabulous for it!!

I'm tired today but I am going to try to MAKE myself get on the treadmill for just a little bit tonight. I need to sweat, and I'm excited to see the numbers on the scale drop again.

Good weekend all in all.

Ups and Downs

2008-07-10T12:20:00.002-04:00

Ok well, it seems my 7 lb gain was only 1 lb. YAY!! AND WHOO HOO!!

I weighed myself the next day ( like usual) and I was down 6 lbs. Yesterday I was again down 6 lbs so I officially gained 1 lb over the holiday weekend. Ok so I gained a pound...better than 7!!!

Ive been back on track this week too. Although I didn't work out Monday, (even after my severe declaration that I was going to ) I have done the treadmill 2 days in a row now and will be on it today as well.
My goal, again,......wait..I say AGAIN!!!!.....is to behave Monday - Thursday and work out Tuesday - Friday and one weekend day..or both.
So this week I'm gaining on my goal.

Also, again....wait..I SAY AGAIN!!!...I'm 2 lbs away from the magic number.

I wonder if I can sweat off 2 lbs today...

Goal reminders...
Healthy lifestyle
career
romantic love

Weekend update

2008-07-07T09:08:00.003-04:00

For the millionth time it seems , I was 1 pound away from breaking my barrier last Thursday, July 3rd.
I actually was able to again move the big bar down a notch on the scale. I think that happened about this time last year too, although then I was working out regularly and this year I haven't been ...not recently anyway.

I was excited, elated, pumped!!!
I decided that I would not destroy this over the holiday weekend. I was going to work out daily and watch what I ate carefully.

Needless to say, 4 days later I'm 7 lbs heavier. Nuff said.

So I'm back on the train again as of today. My foot has finally healed enough to get into a tennis shoe again so there really is no excuse. I was pissed this morning when I got on the scale, but not surprised. Well, 7 lbs in 3 days..maybe a little surprised.

I'm going to MAKE myself get on the mill after work. I know I will feel better when I do. I ALWAYS feel better after working out.

This weekend was also a banner one in that for the first time in years I actually did nothing for the 4th.
I sat at home, watched movies and went to bed. Granted I was feeling very ill all day for some reason, which I never did figure out, but still.
Oh I had invitations, and phone calls from the peeps asking where I was. I just honestly was not feeling social. The only social thing I did all weekend was a pool day Saturday with a few friends.
Oh, wait, Thursday night the boys came over and we hung out then too. OK so I was a little social, and that might be why I was ill Friday..maybe...

I just didn't do anything on the 4th itself. Oh well. Theres always next year.

I had a good weekend though anyway. I basically did exactly what I wanted to do except I didn't work out, which I did want to do.
Excuses aside, I felt bad Friday, Saturday I was out the door by 9:30 AM, and Sunday I cleaned the house most of the day. Ok so Sunday I did have time. I just didn't do it.

Grrrrr! I get so mad at myself for being so lazy!!

Ok ok so just get it together. Today I MUST work out.

Dead in the Water

2008-07-01T09:34:00.002-04:00

Havent done crap.

Bruised and Beaten

2008-06-24T13:02:00.000-04:00

Saturday I did an excellent work out. I felt really good about myself and had a perfect day. Went out that night to Thinking Mans 5th anniversary party which was a blast.

Sunday came and I didn't feel well, but decided to work out anyway, which was a mistake, because I wasn't feeling strong.
I was a little hung over and tired. Not enough sleep and just not thinking straight.

So I get on my weight bench and start doing bench presses.
I forgot that Saturday Id added 13 more pounds to it and for some reason I just wasn't being careful.
The weight perched over my face / chest, it starts to lurch to the left and before I knew what happened I was crashing to the floor off the bench.

Weight fell on top of me, but I did manage to keep it off my face.

I did, however, land on 3 barbells that were on the floor below me.
After peeling myself off the floor and discovering I was leaving a trail of blood where I was walking, I figured out Id hurt myself pretty good.

I didn't go to the Dr Sunday, I waited until I woke up Monday morning in horrible stiffness and pain, then decided I needed to go.

I have severely bruised ribs, a bruised shoulder, hip, a sprained knee and somehow I managed to take a chunk of flesh out of my right heel.

I guess I'm lucky. They thought the ribs were broken. Lucky for me I had a nice layer of fat protecting my fall!!
No seriously, the Dr even said that...

The big suck is, of course, that I have to lay off exercising while I heal. I'm not even sure I could stand to put my foot into a closed shoe right now, and that hole in my heel is going to take a while to..well..HEAL!!

So I'm a bit frustrated and mad at myself for being so stupid. I missed a day of work too, so now I'm going to be super broke this week to boot.

*sigh*

Oh well. I guess I will just try and eat well, although I didn't yesterday at all.
I will do slow walks on the treadmill while my knee heals and not stress it out with my beloved ( and hated) knee raises.
I will lay off the weights in general, and take the actual weight back down a notch until I'm sure I can handle it again.

Its so frustrating to be making any progress at all then have this kind of setback.

The universe is playing with me!!

The Power of Positive Thinking

2008-06-19T14:28:00.000-04:00

I'm sure by now everyone has heard of The Secret. Its not really a secret, its positive thinking, plain and simple.
When I first heard of this secret I was annoyed by the dumb gullible people once again jumping on the band wagon of the latest fad, and I refused to even look into it.
Then yesterday I saw an Oprah show...( yes God help me I watched Oprah).. where they were sort of reviewing the idea again and I got the gist. Yes, its true, it is simply positive thinking, and everyone knows that if your always thinking about the negative that's pretty much what you get back.
The one thing it does do is give you ideas of how to begin to train yourself to HAVE the positive thoughts and to push out the negative ones.
That's where I fall short. I dwell on my past and what I should have done instead of what I can do in my future if I am paying attention to NOW.

One of the things I heard to do was to make a board with things you would like to have happen in your life. Or start more simply. Write 3 things you would like to have most on a post-it and stick it on a mirror you look into every day.

So last night I wrote:

Romantic Love

My Career

Healthy Lifestyle

As you can see my health is at the bottom of the list and love is at the top. Career being in the middle.

As of this moment, looking at the screen, I realized as I was typing those words I have my priorities mixed up.
What I need first is a healthy lifestyle, then the job, then the love, because if I'm not happy in the other things the love is not going to be right for me, or likely never come at all.

( is that thinking in the negative?)

So I'm going to go home and reorder my list, then maybe start that board, only I'm going to use the wall in my gym room. Instead of plastering the walls with pictures of the hot barback or anyone else that has clearly not been a good influence in my life, I'm going to start with my dreams. What I want.

become a Personal Chef
Fix up the kitchen
Get the yard landscaped
maybe add a bathroom
make more money
go to the beach more often
go deep sea fishing
take a balloon ride
go places I have never been like Savannah, and Charleston
get my weight to a manageable level so my health is better and I can travel more
go to Ireland
let romantic love find me

these are a few things, and I can have them all if I put my mind to them.

The power of positive thinking. Ive never really had it.
Even when I thought I was being positive Id still dwell on the past. Ive never really looked at the future.
Once someone asked me where I saw myself in 5 years and I honestly couldnt say. Not even when I thought about it, because I never HAVE thought about it.
So now I am thinking about it.

Its so hard to change your mind. Harder than getting on the treadmill when your tired, harder than eating right when your feeling lazy and just plain hungry for junk.
Changing your mind set is like brainwashing yourself.

I'm going to need all my strength.
Looking back over this blog/purge I see several occasions where Ive announced that I'm doing just that, and it hasn't happened yet.

( again...negative??)

What happens? Do I just forget about it one day? Maybe so. Maybe that's where the dream board ( or wall in my case) comes into play. To be a constant reminder of what you want and whats out there for you to have.

So heres to the dreams of us all! May we have the mind to make them come true.

Everyone needs a poke now and then.

2008-06-17T08:30:00.000-04:00

Well, I survived the birthday weekend, and I'm moving forward. I gained a couple of pounds over the weekend but now I'm back ...AGAIN...at the 2 lbs away from breaking my wall.
The only good thing about this is that most times when I gain weight over the weekend it takes me all week to get back down again..just in time to gain it back!! This week I'm starting off 2 lbs away and I'm already ahead of what Id planned for myself.

So after 4 days of drinking and eating to excess I'm back on track. I really must thank my gay husband, Sam for this.
I had already planned on working out this evening after work, and usually never do Mondays because I'm always feeling like crap after the weekend.
Yesterday was no different, accept my house was thrashed and I can NOT live in a mess so I knew when I went home I was going to be cleaning.
I get going, cleaning, putting things away, getting things in order.

6:30, and I am wrapping it up for the evening. Not done yet but I'm thinking ..its couch time....when I get a text.

"I know you don't do Mondays but just get on the treadmill for 30 minutes..you'll thank me tomorrow for the poke.."

So I did. Right that minute. In fact I did almost my full work out. I stopped short when I got a headache and started feeling nauseous, but up until then I was trucking along, and felt great afterwards in spite of the sicky feeling.

So thanks Sammie!! Sometimes a girl just needs a good poke.

Last Day of 37

2008-06-11T08:45:00.000-04:00

Well, today is my last day as a 37 year old.
37...38....

38 sounds so OLD!!

I feel like I'm still 16. Hell I still act like I am sometimes!

I know I don't look 38. I will say while my gene pool does swim in the fat zone, the one good thing about it is that I don't look my age.

I was looking at some photographs recently of people in my high school at their 10th reunion. This August is the 20th. ( ouch!)

I have never been to any of them and don't intend to go to this one. I would if I was not so fat, but coming from high school as "the fat girl", I really don't want to return that way.

I thought about this and was a little bitter about it seeing that back in 2000 / 2001 /2002 I was thin enough that I would have gone to a reunion.

Bad timing.... no bad ME!

I look back a lot. Regretting things and wishing Id done this or that differently.

I don't usually make New Years resolutions per say, but I do usually make promises to myself on my birthday.

Next year I will be this weight...

Next year I will have a new job...

Next year I will not be alone....

Pretty much the same things every year, and pretty much the same results ...nothing changes.

I wanted to be a certain weight this year by my birthday. I'm 12 lbs away from that goal, but as of this morning I'm again at that magical 2 - 3 lb place where I have been stuck, and I'm praying that if I work very hard tonight I will see those 3 lbs gone tomorrow morning, but I know realistically that's not going to happen.

BUT, just because I missed the deadline does not mean I'm giving up.

Hell Ive never really given up. Even in the years in my 20s when I hid in my house and gained hundreds of pounds I still in my head never really gave up.

I remember sliding up and down on my Total Gym in the basement hoping that it would help me. I did glute lifts against my wall in my bedroom so much I actually stretched the carpet!

I wore the rollers off on the Total Gym eventually as well. I guess I exceeded the weight limit for the machine.....but the point is I never gave up.

Sure it was years later that I finally really got devoted to working out and not eating, but it did happen.

Somewhere inside me burns a thin flame. I feel it when I work out. I feel it when I look in the mirror and see a thinner me than actually exists. Its buried inside a mound of misery disguised as fat and I've got to find it again.

So again, tomorrow I'm 38, and this year I will make it!
I will make it past this wall I keep hitting. I will get a better job, I will live a healthier life mentally and physically. I'm not going to say I wont be alone because I feel like, as before, when I lost weight the guys just come naturally. Hell they come around now, they just don't stay.

Hmmm I am just suddenly wondering, what did my post this time last year say?

*pause*...

"So my wish for my birthday this year ( for the first time in my life!) is not to be thin next year, its to be happy with who I am no matter how much I weigh, or if I'm still single.Its going to take a lot of work to reprogram my brain but I know it can be done.My glass is going to be half full from now on damn it! "

That was the end of my post from last year. My wish for the year I just finished living.

Did I succeed?

Well, I'm not thin that's for sure! Am I happy with who I am......yes. I have to say I'm happy with myself for the most part. I guess if I think about it I have come a long way toward this goal I set for myself last year. I do think much more positively, I also don't let what people think of me get on my heart as badly as it used to. I'm not unhappy to be single, it just is what it is. So I guess in some way I got my wish!

So OK, it can be done. You do get your birthday wishes after all. I just didn't realize Id gotten it until I went back and read that! I assumed Id wished for the standard weight loss /job change thing. Ummm kind of like I just wished for again...this year!!!

Huh, I feel surprisingly good right now all of the sudden. I can do it. I can make my wishes come true.

It will be slow, like a flower opening so that you cant see it with the naked eye, but one day you wake up and the flower has bloomed. Open and beautiful.

Happy Birthday to ME!

The Bad Habit

2008-06-09T15:40:00.000-04:00

Habit.
Its the good VS. evil inner battle that I struggle with so much. Why are good habits so hard to establish when they make you feel SO GOOD!
Why are bad habits so hard to break when they make you feel SO BAD???
I participated in a very bad habit this weekend, that while I dont do it very often, is still bad enough to leave a mental scar, and I'm regretting it today.
Id like to think one of these days I will be able to grow up enough to realize some things are just not worth doing.
Temptation is everywhere for many things that are bad for us and the sooner we ( I ) can gain some inner strength to say NO to them the sooner I will be on my way to a better existence...period.
Its all very logical when you think about it in the cool gray light of morning, but at the time, these bad habits fill the temporary need that your craving, and squash the thought of fear or consequence.

I will be strong in the future. Next time I will say no.

Back To The Grind.

2008-06-03T13:35:00.000-04:00

Well Gwennie has come and gone and I'm now back to my routine. Sort of anyway...

I didn't end up reaching my goal before she came in town, BUT, as it happens if I can manage to keep my nose to the grindstone I might make it by my birthday.
As of this morning Ive got 14 lbs to shake in 10 days.
Crash diet anyone?
I doubt I'll make it but at least I'm closer to my goal than I thought I was going to be after 10 days of vacation.
I actually lost 5 lbs with her here! Shes in the zone. Getting on the treadmill every day. We went hiking, swimming, and worked out at my home gym while she was here. Very inspiring.

Of course, I'm tired today, and don't feel like working out when I get home but hopefully the mood will strike me. I need the exercise and the detox!
I'm hanging my liver up to dry this week for sure! Poor thing, between the food and the drinking from the last 10 days I'm sure my body is in total "FU" mode.

Was it worth it? Why, of course!
We had a blast. She was great and the time flew by so fast when I dropped her off at the airport yesterday it felt like Id just picked her up!!

What did we do? Who did we see? Well we didn't do a lot of real"vacation" kind of things accept extra pool time and a lot of going out.
We did have a brunch / lunch thing Sunday that turned into an all nighter. Always happens when The Muffin and his Lovely Wife come over.
Also, the hot barback made it to the party. I was hoping it was for me, but turns out it was to see if he could shag Gwenn. Nice huh.

Hes off my gym wall and I'm sad about that. A few weeks ago The Lovely Wife got me to rip down his photographs and burn them. Now my wall of inspiration that sat directly in front of my treadmill is bare, and I don't like it.
I don't think I'm going to put up quite the "shrine" I had before, but I am putting some of them back up. They are just way to good not to.
Maybe I'll mix them up with a few other inspirations. Like Gwenn. I photographed her while she was here and they came out amazing. Even she couldn't believe that she was looking at herself.

I'm happy to say that she is in a much better place than Ive seen her in a long time. And good for her!

Now its my turn.

Ants in my Pants!

2008-05-20T13:22:00.000-04:00

OK, its 3 days until Gwenn gets here, well 2 really, and I'm all itching to just play!
I still have to clean my house and yard up.
I didn't get crap done this weekend due to a Saturday explosion of badness!
Long day of drinking at the pool turned into an even longer night of all kinds of fun but exhausting things.

Speaking of...I just don't get men.

I'm on the J train again and I'm just not sure how to handle things with him.
I mean, I know he likes me. Its not all drunk calls and texts. He actually contacts me during WORK hours, so I KNOW hes sober then!!
Listen to how bad that sounds! I'm so used to men taking advantage of me just because they are inebriated that I actually expect it!
Well, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt this time, and I hope I'm not sorry.

I'm not sorry about being with him...yet...I just want it to work out for once with us. I just want a chance to see how it might be.

I know also that when we were together years ago I was 85 lbs thinner than I am right now, and even though he says it doesn't matter to him, that's the one thing I'm really wondering about.
Is this about to be another Muffin story where he likes being with me in the physical, head banging against the headboard way, but cant handle his friends knowing about me? Cause I cant.... I WONT.. do that again.
Ive met a few of his friends, and a few others Ive known in a distant way for as long as Ive known him, which is going on 10 years now.
I know they know he and I have been together, I just don't know if they know about anything recent.

The fat girl paranoia is always present.

Does he really like me? Or is this just a booty call?

Is he going to call? Should I call him? ...* pick up the phone*..I don't want to bug him or make him think I'm chasing him...* put the phone down*...

Am I nuts to be doing this to myself with him...AGAIN??!!

I miss him though, and we really are good together..well in one room of the house anyway.

To bad every day life cant be a good roll in the hay!!

I will say this about him too. Unlike the Hot Barback..or even The Muffin, J doesn't make me feel uncomfortable about my body. I mean hes hot! Just as hot as Muffin or Barback in his own J way!
Strong body, lots of tats, aggressive in nature, sexy eyes, handsome face. Great big beautiful......teeth!

Maybe because Ive known him so long already, or maybe because he just makes me feel good. I don't know what it is exactly but theres something there I don't have when I'm with Barback, or even when I was with Muffin.
Its like hes a great friend I can hang with and have fun with, but be close to in other ways as well. IF he will just make that move.

Frustrating.

I asked the advice of a guy. "What should I do?"
he said,"do whatever you feel like you want to do."

Men....humph!!

Out of the Hole

2008-05-16T13:14:00.000-04:00

No entries all week because actually nothing much to say.
I didn't exercise again all week despite my intentions to each day. I didn't eat terribly though ( until last night) so I was losing weight anyway, ( until last night).

My friend Gwenn is coming to visit me in a week and I was really hoping to be down ...well now its back up to 17 lbs... from where I was. Ugh.

I was reading another blogger ( the Tippy Toe Diet...very good by the way) and there was an entry about going down a road, falling into a hole, and not getting out, then doing the same thing over and over but eventually getting out, then taking a new road entirely to avoid the hole altogether.
I was on that new road once and it seems I am having a great deal of trouble finding it again.
Who knows if I ever will.
I know I'm better than I used to be. Maybe that's a step. Maybe because I'm not so hard core about it this time I just don't see my progress.

Maybe I'm making excuses and need to get off my fat ass and out of the damn hole!!!

Friday, again...

2008-05-09T15:02:00.001-04:00

So its Friday again and Ive had a miserable week. Well, sort of. I mean Wednesday sucked. Really sucked.
But, in the afternoon 2 things happened that cheered me up. One, I got an order of clothing in which almost everything I got fit. If you've ever tried to buy decent looking clothing as a fat person you know the elation of finding clothing that is at least close to updated styles as well as fitting.
Second, I got a call from the Hot Baraback. First one since December.
Hes supposed to be calling me tonight. Bootie call...almost certainly, so Ive already got my plan ready.
I'm going to be busy. Monumentally busy all weekend.
I'm making him wait for me for a bit.
See Ive been wanting this opportunity for months now but I thought he'd just totally lost interest. Well I guess I am probably last on his bootie list, but in any case, I ain't givin it up this time!!
Bad thing is I really want to! Hes gorgeous, sexy and well lets face it..hes great in well...you know.
Seriously, in my experience nothing makes me feel as good as I do when I'm getting attention from a good looking guy.
Self esteem issues anyone?
In any case we'll see. Watch, I'll be all waiting for the opportunity to turn him down and he wont call me!
UGH!

The weight this week has stabilized I guess. I swear theres a big fat wall in my brain and my body saying GO NO FURTHER!!!

I'm just not trying hard enough. I know it.

Oh why couldn't I have been born like most people out there that don't have to struggle so with weight? Seriously...I could have been a midget..or have a deformity, or be butt ass ugly..but if I was thin Id get along better in life even if I was the most disfigured person in the world.
No one called the Elephant Man fat pig. No one shunned him because he was different...well, OK that's not true..they were terrible to him. And no I don't think Id prefer to look like him vs be fat and look like me.
I just need something. Something to fill the void so I can move past this vast, seemingly unreachable yet so close goal. Were talking 10 lbs here to be a few lbs past my wall, and for the life of me I fail myself every turn.

Maybe this weekend will be better.

Shock value

2008-05-07T08:49:00.000-04:00

Well not only did I NOT break my barrier but as of this morning I'm back up 6 lbs. I hate my crazy weight crap.
And as if to add insult to injury last night I was looking over some video footage from a party I had at my house a few weeks ago and I was caught on camera. I look gross.

Ive been complaining for a while now that people keep mistaking me for a woman in town that's very heavy and has similar hair. I know I'm big but I look at her at think....not THAT big.
Apparently I am or people wouldn't be making this mistake over and over.

The video footage not only confirmed that but I think I actually look bigger than her. My face is drowning in a pool of lard. What I think it a bit of a figure is a ball of fat. I look like I waddle when I walk.
And I wonder why I have a hard time with men? HA!

What I wonder is why cant I see this when I look in the mirror? I see other people on the film and they all look like they do normally so I must look like that too.
I'm not saying that I am unaware of how heavy I am, because I get it. What I'm saying I guess is that being this way for so long, you get used to it and forget just how shocking it really is.

Seriously, last night after looking at that I wanted to crawl into my bed and never get out. I felt defeated. Every bit of self confidence Ive been building was gone. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to go out and play with my friends anymore. I don't want to be seen in public.
In fact, I feel very foolish for being out like I have been feeling so good about myself.
I feel foolish for flirting with guys. I feel like I need to just hibernate and die.

Worst of all I feel like I'm stuck here and I'll never get out.
I'm trying so hard to find the inspiration I know I need to have in order to really make this work. You would think seeing that video would be enough. It is and its not. Looking at it makes me feel so defeated and overwhelmed. I look impossibly fat. I am impossibly fat.
I'm so fat I look like my skin is just swollen, and if you poked me with a pin Id explode.

I know I have to keep trying because if I don't I'll be like this forever. Part of me feels like I'm going to be this way forever anyway so why not enjoy myself. But I'm so sick of food being my only enjoyment. I wish I never had to eat food again. Why cant they invent a way to just NOT EAT.

Whatever, I guess I don't have anything else to say today.

The Rare Saturday Entry

2008-05-03T16:43:00.000-04:00

I don't usually do this on the weekends but when I weighed myself this morning I was 2 lbs away from breaking a HUGE barrier that I've been sitting on for over 2 years. If I can make it through this I feel like I will FINALLY be on my way again.

Pray for me!

Cinco de Mayo!

2008-05-02T09:16:00.000-04:00

Well, not yet, but close.
This is going to be a great weekend. I can just tell!

I have pool plans already for Sunday, and I think I'm going out this evening for a bit too. Saturday will be a calm day of yard / house work and movie night.
Monday maybe do pool again after work at moms house, or maybe head back to Decatur for a little Cinco de Mayo celebration.
That's pretty much a great weekend for me.
I don't require much to be happy.
I do admit a little boy time would make it PERFECT, but guess ya cant have everything...unless your Paris Hilton.......skinny bitch......( no no...I'm not bitter...)

One thing I must do this weekend is stay on track. As of today Ive dropped another 2 lbs this week and I REALLY want to at least keep it off over the weekend. I hate getting back on the scale Monday and Tuesday and seeing it go back up...knowing the cause is my slackness and overindulgence over the weekend.

Well, we'll see. You know what they say about that road to hell....

April showers and now May flowers

2008-04-30T10:39:00.000-04:00

Every morning after waking up and doing the usual business of letting the puppy out and such I get on the scale.
I know I know, your not supposed to get on the scale every day, but honestly it helps me keep myself in check.
Anyway, so I have this dry erase board on my gym room wall. Its got the empty squares for the days of the month on it and I use it to keep track of my weight daily as well as monthly.
Each month on the first and last day I record it and over the months I can compare the changes. Up, down, up down.
This month I'm actually closer to my goal that I had thought.

16 pounds to go until my goal of 30 pound loss by June 12Th.

That works out to be about 2.5 lbs ( give or take) a week.
This last month I have averaged a consistent 1 lb a week loss, with a surprising 4 lb jump today, just in time for the end of the month recording. Of course tomorrow morning I might get on the scale and see those 4 lbs back again, but its encouraging none the less.

Gwenn is coming in 22 days. Id like to reach my 30 lbs loss by then. I get so frustrated with myself because (not so deep down inside) I KNOW I'm not trying as hard as I can.

I know if I really kick myself in the ass for the next 22 days, even if I give myself a splurge day ( one...not 5) I will be able to pull it off.

This is a very important 16 lbs too. This will push me past the mark that Ive been unable to get past for the last year or 2 since I ballooned back up to this horrible size. I need this to happen.

Ive been preying to get this ball rolling for so many years now and I do it for a week then off for a week.
I suppose I could argue that its better than off 3 on one, which I have also been guilty of.
I'm just so sick of not being consistent!!!
No one can do this but me, I know.

The most frustrating part of all of this is that I was there once. I really was. Exercising every day to the point of nausea. Eating ( or not eating at all) healthy food, dropping massive amounts of weight, feeling like a different person.

A new friend of mine recently was at my house and saw a picture of me at about 70 lbs lighter than I am now. She didn't recognize me.
The truth is looking back I know I was so close to meeting the goal Ive always wanted my whole fat life back then, and I just pissed it away.

So I cant look back. I have to move forward. Nothing is accomplished by looking back like that and wishing.... if only.
Its not going to change the fact that I still have to exercise and eat right to get my ass back to where it was.

That was 8 years ago now when I experience that massive rush of determination. Each year that passes I do this same routine over and over again.
Last year I started this blog to be able to look back and see just how many times I basically write the same crap time and time again. Turns out its a lot...

Please God help me break the cycle!!!

End of the month

2008-04-29T10:57:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is the last day in April. God, 4 months in to 2008 already and I'm still flip flopping with this weight crap!
why WHY WHY cant I stay on a steady track?

1.I have bad habits.
2.I allow myself to participate in very destructive behavior.
3.I don't feel inspired every day.
4.I would rather sit on a patio drinking beer than be sweating it out on a treadmill.

I'm sure I could add to this list but lets just start here.

1. bad habits. Well this one is the worst of all of them. I drink, I smoke...( sometimes) and I eat crappy food ( sometimes) My weekends. While most people spend their weekends doing productive things, I usually spend my time having parties, or going out or something that involves drinking and general bad behavior.
I'm not saying its wrong to have a few drinks on the weekend. Hell get shitfaced one night a week if you want! But I go hard core. I mean Friday to Sunday its ON! Call me the weekend warrior I guess.
Now, on a positive note, I don't drink during the week much anymore. I was going through a period there where I drank sometimes every day. Not to excess mind you but just a glass or 2 of wine. ( although I must admit there are also the occasions that I go way overboard too)
That's one bad behavior Ive been trying to cut down on and because of it I think my weekend behavior has gotten worse.
I mean I do other things, I clean the house, I cook , stuff like that. I have projects though. house stuff that really NEEDS to be done and I just don't do it. I usually break the weekend down like this:
Friday night, out after work for drinks with friends ( if I can afford to go out) or just at my house. Sometimes this can last until 10:00. Sometimes..like this past Friday...it went on until 6:30 the next morning!!
Saturdays I usually spend cleaning. Doing laundry and such as long as its not summer / pool time. If that's the case nice days in the pool season are spent there...at the parents pool..all day. If that's the case I try to get the cleaning done Friday night and Sunday morning so I can have Sunday afternoon to watch movies.
All activities involve drinking and little to no exercise. I do try to take time to do my treadmill in the morning on weekends before I do anything else sometimes, but I still haven't gotten that GOOD habit established.
This past 6 months since Ive been on less than 40 hours of work Ive been stretching that weekend out to Monday too.

Ive got to get a new job...but I digress....

So that's my weekends. No yard work, no painting the bathroom that needs it. No house projects.

2. Well I guess the above sort of covers the destructive behavior too. Accept the occasional weekday email from my best friend Andy, I have been able to curtail the week night drinks and behave myself. I find that when I do the right thing I feel so good by Friday!
then of course I blow it out over the weekend.
Mondays ( well now Tuesdays) I'm usually exhausted and too tired in the morning to wake up early to work out. Lately Ive been fully recovered by Wednesday afternoon and on the treadmill when I go home.

3. Inspiration. This could have to do with #1 & 2 also. When I'm tired I lose my inspiration to do anything.

4. Well, there ya have it. I'm a drinker. Am I an alcoholic? I think if I am its the "functional" alcoholic. I don't get withdrawals or cravings to drink if I stay away from it. I might miss it because I enjoy drinking but I can live without it.
Its just an ingrained part of my social life.

So now here it is, the end of yet another month and I'm no closer to my goal than I was 29 days ago.
Still bobbing up and down in the same 5 - 10 lb range.
I need INSPIRATION!!!

Better Day

2008-04-23T15:56:00.000-04:00

I feel better today. Ive been busy all day at work for the first time in a while, and I'm actually excited about going home to work out.
I put it off this morning but I'm not putting it off tonight!
I will get my 5 days in this week yet!!
I have a dear friend coming to visit me at the end of May. Shes lost 15 lbs since the beginning of the year. So have I, actually Ive lost almost 20, but I'm about 3 times her size so 15 lbs on her is a big deal.
15 lbs on me is a sandwich and a couple of beers!
In any case I set a goal a while back to lose 30 lbs by my birthday, which is June 12th. So far I'm down 12. I have about a month and a half left and I keep gaining and losing the same 5 lbs week after week. Something has to give, and I think its ME!
I have to give more, period.

Fat in Flight

2008-04-22T15:54:00.001-04:00

Today I was thinking about visiting a few places that would require a place trip.
For years I have feared the stigma..and now possibly the complete humiliation, of flying at my current weight.
So keeping this in mind I searched the Internet today and found articles ranging from how fat people should be charged an extra ticket if their butts cant fit into the 17" wide seat, ( which mine absolutely could NOT) to how fat people contribute to small plane crashes.

Needless to say I will not be flying anytime soon, but it begs the question, how trapped am I really?
I feel trapped in my house because I cant sell it, and I want to sell it to be able to move, and I want to move out of state with might be cause for a flight and I cant fly unless I want to withstand humiliations beyond what I care to imagine or experience.

Are these just excuses to stay in my not so comfortable fat zone?
I think not. I don't have any excuse that makes me WANT to be this way.
Dealing with things normal people do every day that they don't think twice about is very different for someone like me.
Some days I feel really good about myself. Some days no so much. Id have to give this day a medium rating, although i have to say after reading the brutal hatred and disgust so many people have for the obese of the world it does make me ashamed to be walking down the street somewhat.
For the record, those of you who think fat people are lazy, breathe excessively heavy / loudly and smell...go fuck yourself. I do none of the above and frankly I bet my ass smells better than your face!!!

Out!

Moving...I wish.

2008-04-16T08:00:00.000-04:00

I want to move.
I HATE Atlanta Georgia.
I hate where I live.
I love my house but my neighborhood is so bad that I'm scared all the time.
It was supposed to get better. I was supposed to be a pioneer. Ive been in the house almost 5 years now and its just gotten worse.
Houses getting broken in to. Cars getting ripped off. Gang thugs on the street.
The economy has taken a dive and left me in a pit.
I couldn't sell my house now for what I owe on it, and its only going to get worse.
I could kill Stephen for talking me into buying there.
So I go home today to finish putting up barbed wire on my fence line to try and keep the thugs out.
I wonder how long it will be before someone gets killed?

Keeping the Faith

2008-04-11T08:55:00.000-04:00

Well Ive been doing OK I guess. I kicked ass last week. Exercised every day and ate very well. The weekend was not terrible either because I didn't overindulge and I kept up with the exercise.

This week, however, I haven't exercised once. I have been watching my food so I haven't gained any weight back that I lost last week but I haven't progressed.

Why do I do this? One week on and one week off? This week Ive been feeling kind of down and not well in general. Could be the pollen. Georgia in the spring time is beautiful but the pollen really can drag you down. Ive overslept every morning and have been to crapped out to do anything when I get home too.
Its going to rain and cool down this weekend though and I intend to get back on the train...again.

I will do this. It might take me...well might...it WILL be and HAS been a lifetime struggle but lets face it if I give up I'm only hurting myself.

So I'm content to at least be doing something. I mean 10 years ago I did absolutely nothing. I NEVER exercised. Hell I hardly left the house! Not to mention I cooked extravagant meals and food, while it was super tasty and I really actually became a fabulous cook, was my only friend.

Not anymore. I have great friends. I have an actual social life, even if its not filled with the love that I desire its still there. It exists!! I never feel like if I walk into my local watering holes that I wont be comfortable, even though I'm usually the biggest girl there.

In fact, last Sunday I went out for a while and I met some new people. One girl happens to be a good friend of Juans. I sort of knew who she was but had never really met her. So we ended up hanging out and at some point she turned to me and just said..."you know, you are so pretty! I mean you are really a beautiful girl!!" I was about to do my usual protesting and fat talking, but instead I just smiled and said , "wow thanks!!!"

Its true. I am pretty. I'm fat too, but I'm pretty and I have more confidence than I ever have in my life. Some people take my self fat bashing as low self esteem. I don't. To me, understanding that people , ( not all but a good deal of them) judge me for being fat is just part of life. That's not putting myself down, its just being realistic. If you haven't lived as a fat person as long as I have you just cant get it, period.

I love myself. I do not love being fat, but I'm working on it. I will work on it until I die.

April Showers

2008-04-01T08:42:00.000-04:00

Another month goes by and yet again I find myself saying, OK,this is it, I'm ready for change. I have to say my wishy-washy behavior with the weight loss/ get healthy effort is driving me crazy. Last week I was terrible, blowing my last week in March entirely. So today I wake up feeling like I'm going to do it. Ive got just about 10 weeks until my birthday. I cant believe its already the 4th month in the year!! I was supposed to be 30 lbs down by now and I haven't even come close.
Its all me. My eating habits have sucked, and I have been terribly inconsistent with exercise.
I will give myself small kudos for at least keeping up with some exercise these past months, which is more than I had been doing before the first of the year.

I just woke up this morning and thought, you have GOT to get it together. Get all the pins firing! I really want this and besides wanting to be healthy there are other reasons that have popped up recently that I'm hoping will inspire me more too.

Juan for instance. Even though we still haven't gone out hes been in touch.Its been off and on and last week frankly I thought maybe he'd changed his mind. Then Sunday morning at 9:00AM I get a text saying he had been thinking of me.
That was it, and after texted back and didn't get any answer I got frustrated again, and sent him another one in the afternoon.
So turned out he was actually busy because he'd been moving to a new place over the weekend, so it wasn't me after all!
This gives me hope. It also really makes me want to get it together. Healthy , yes, but also for...well frankly sex!
When I was thinner I remember when I had sex again finally for the first time it was so different...so GREAT!
I'm not saying I haven't had good relations since then..I mean Hot Barback Boy...damn...but then I imagine how much BETTER it would have been if I dropped even 40 lbs. yes. I want this.
For some reason sex has always been very important to me and not having it stinks!
Also having sex when your really overweight is not as easy and natural as you might think. Anyone who has never been really fat cant possibly understand this. I'm not going into detail here but lets just say its not the same for me, and I'm sure its not the same for men too. Even the ones that prefer large women.

So anyway, its a new month and Ive already started out in a positive way. I threw away some things that were "bad" from my fridge and plan to go home and exercise. I didn't get up in time to do it this morning, which of course would have been better, but this afternoon I will do it. I'm tired of battling with this same 15 lbs area!
I go down and go up and haven't been able to break the barrier. I guess that means I need to push herder. I mean really make an effort.

Ive been saying this whole time how I'm trying, but really, I haven't been. Not like I know I can. Lets face it, I already know what its going to take. Drastic changes in eating and exercising habits. I pray I can get in there. In the zone. The same zone Ive been praying to be in for years now. I don't need to be the way I was before, I'll keep eating , I just need to give up certain things for good and not look back. I need to get through a weekend without overindulging.

New month. We'll see.

Full Moon Fever

2008-03-21T12:16:00.000-04:00

Full moon.
They say..( you know...them) that people act differently under the spell of the full moon. Women's cycles are affected, the tides roll in and out based on it, and apparently Easter is scheduled around it too.
As for me, I have to say I do rip up things a bit on a full moon. Especially when it happens to fall on a Friday or Saturday. Somtimes I find myself being wild and crazy only to find out the following day that it was a full moon!

This Friday, today, I'm really in the mood to be bad.
Ive been pretty good all week. I mean I exercised Wednesday through Friday and twice on Thursday. ( following my new plan see...)
Ive been going to bed early every night getting a good nights sleep, and now I'm ready to release the beast!
I have a few dilemmas however.
One, I made tentative plans to go over to a friends house tonight, which on any other day would be fine, but I REALLY want to go out tonight.
Two, I am dieing to text Juan to see if he wants to hang out tonight but I'm afraid if I do I'll freak him out.
Three, well, I guess there's just the two.

Not a big deal. My plan is to meet my sister Beth after work at Trackside, where if nothing else I will get to flirt with, and possibly bag if the wind is right, the hot boy Ive been playing with from time to time since November.
God hes hot...
but I digress...
Last time I saw him he was all in my business, but that could have been just because he saw Juan and I hanging out. Hot boy tends to be a bit on the jealous side.
We'll see.

On a different note entirely, Id like to talk a bit about something that happened last Saturday night. Ive been thinking about writing about it all week and now I have it all together after a phone call I just got.

Scene: My house, Saturday night, cocktail party for Sams new job.
Players: Me, Andy, Jason, Beth, Sam, David and a few other minor supporting cast.
Oh forget that, here's what happened.
First a little background. For a while now Ive had a problem with David. I think if I look back in here I can find several times where Ive written about the problems with friends and the gossip and crap that goes on.
Well David has been pretty much right at the center of most of this for a few years now.
Because of this he and I have not been close at all. In fact I usually don't even invite him over at all, but due to recent events over Christmas Ive tried to be more open and just extend the olive branch, always with the caution never to say anything to him or in front of him that I might not want half of Decatur knowing the next day, and likely twisted into something completely different.
Keeping this in mind when the end of the night came and David and Sam were the last ones left I was not surprised when David cornered me about wanting to know whats been going on with this and that. I of course said pretty much nothing.....nothing of use anyway.
Then the conversation turned to Andy, and he proceeded to pretty much trash him to me in that he was trying to make me believe Andy betrays all the things I tell him or hold him in confidence for.
There were a few things he said that I know Andy must have told him, but in the interest of fairness I told David that I would just ask Andy about it all the next day.

Well, I ended up waiting a few days, letting it marinate and then I wrote Andy. I told him what had gone on and he got very upset. Not with me, with David. So in the last few days apparently Sam, who was there at the time and Andy, who I told the whole story to, have both had a little talk with David.
David doesn't remember a thing. Apparently too much wine and not enough food.
So a few minutes ago I get a phone call from David apologizing for the things he said about Andy.
Also, he was concerned that I had told him (Andy), or anyone about a few other things he confided in me about. ( this was a first)
I assured him that I had kept my mouth shut, which I have, and that I appreciated his call about the Andy business.

Here's the thing though,
I know some of what he was saying, drunk or sober was true about Andy, my very best friend. I know this because there were things repeated back to me that I only said to him.
Also, I knew, and asked David at the time all this was being discusses if he was just trying to "stir the pot", and he assured me he was not.
Bullshit. Drunk he might have been, but changed..nope.
So I'm left with a little less trust in my best friend but certainly no less love, and a confirmation that people really never change, and I would be a wise woman to watch my back.

Spring has Sprung?

2008-03-20T11:44:00.000-04:00

Its freezing...and its the first day of Spring here in the new "Old South".
The only way I can tell its Spring so far is I'm sneezing a lot and my eyes wont stop watering. Could be the lovely polluted Atlanta air, or could be that there are little flowers and plants blooming all over the place.
Tomorrow its supposed to get up to 71 Degrees Mmmmm patio weather!

I'm feeling frisky and happy today.
I went home yesterday and worked out, even using my weights for the first time in a long while. I also got up this morning and did it again. Well not the weights, just the treadmill.
I plan to go home and do it yet again after work.

Here's what Id like my schedule to be:

Monday off
Tuesday, Wednesday Thursday; Treadmill Am & Pm with additional weight work in the PM.
Friday Treadmill Am
Saturday & Sunday; treadmill once with additional weight work at least one of the 2 days.

That's giving me 3 days of treadmill once a day, 3 days of treadmill 2 times a day, and 4 days of weight work.

I bet if I can MAKE myself stick to this schedule I'll start dropping weight in 2 weeks.

One thing I am going to have to do it slow down on the weekend partying. The week days I really have finally settled in to a routine where no drinking or going out is fine, and welcome in fact.
The past few weekends, however, have been one day after another of plans and going out or having people over.
While I am thankful for all the activity and fun and friends....and boys ;) I think I need to cut it back to one night in at least.
Sundays I'm usually in, but the past 2 weeks I haven't been and that's been killing me Monday mornings.
Actually, I already have plans this whole weekend too! UGH!
Sometimes I just need alone ME time where I can decompress and chill. You would think week days being alone would do it, but it really doesn't. Not for me.
I really enjoy having one weekend night where I can sit back with a nice bottle ( or 2 ) of wine, a couple of good movies and just me.
I don't even like to talk on the phone on those nights.

As for the new routine, God help me I really want this. Its so funny to me too, because as Ive said I don't know HOW many times, working out like this makes me feel GREAT. So what is it that drags me away from what so obviously makes me feel GREAT?
I don't know.
i do know I want too many things in life that I'm just not going to get until I get this under control. Weight is life.

So tonight will be my first 2-a-day. Will I do it? We'll see. looking back on this blog I see many many days that Ive set goals for myself that I have yet to reach.

Inspiration. Where are you?

Lazy Daisy

2008-03-18T14:38:00.000-04:00

God its been almost a month since Ive posted anything.
No one reads this I know, but its kind of neat to look back and see what I was doing a year ago. I know I could be using a diary but for some reason this is better to me. I don't know why. Maybe its the fact that even though I know no one reads this the chance is still there.
I know my entries are boring a lot and pretty much run in circles of partying, weight loss, men and friends, but hey that's my life.

Speaking of men, the bad boys club is alive and kicking in my life. The super hottie that Ive been playing with since Thanksgiving is sniffing around again.
Geez its like I get over him and then he comes back in, looking like the devil himself. Hot and dangerous!!!
One bright spot with another guy is Juan. Hes the one I wrote about back in August that Ive known for so long and have been on and off fooling around in the last 10 years more times that I can say.
Well I'm not sure whats happening exactly but last weekend we had a long talk about us. Our history and finally at some point he said, What do you think you might want with me? And I decided to just say it. Screw it, right?
SO I said OK, Well, I think Id like to try to really date you. Wed talked about it years ago, and I was a lot thinner then so I figured his sporadic interest in the last years were due to that. He said he thought I was very attractive now.
Humming inside!! I don't want to get my hopes up again, and there is still the issue with Ben - super hottie - trouble maker, but if Juan is serious I think I'll know soon enough.
One thing Ive learned about men. If they want something to do with you they generally make it known.
In other words ladies, if you have someone in your life that your questioning, most likely, hes just not that into you!!
I hope this time I'm not going to get the wind knocked out of me.
I hope this time hes going to follow through.
I hope I can do this and see really what its like to be with someone you really find physically attractive.
I hope!

Getting well

2008-02-21T13:21:00.000-05:00

UGH! Im getting over the flu. I hate being sick and this one was a whopper! Im still coughing up little green slimy things....I know TMI!

The worst part is I was on a ROLL last week when this hit me and I havent exercised in a week now. Im going to try and make myself get on the treadmill after work today for a light session. I need it!

I seem to be more inspired to eat better and exercise in sipte of the bad news I recently recieved, which is a good thing. I just Have to get my ass out of bed in the morning! Its amazing how fast you can get out of that habit. ( much faster than you can get IN the habit for sure!)

I guess becasue Ive never been a morning person. I mean NEVER!
I know, you can train yourself to get up, blah blah, and I get it. Thats all true, but I still can stay up all night on the weekends much easier than I can claw my way out from under the covers at 5:30AM even with a good nights sleep.

So god help me I will be trolling away this afternoon, and with a litle luck tomorrow morning I will make the change back to getting up at that painful hour again.

LUCK TO ME!

New Week New Attitude?

2008-02-12T13:41:00.000-05:00

OK so I threw myself a pitty party last week, and now I feel better. Am I happy that I now know for sure that I will be fat forever and any weight loss I have will come with more hard work that a "normal" person and never be enough to be considered "normal"?
No. but its not the end of the world.
It sucks but Ive lived this way for so long I really dont know anything else anyway.
My only real wish is that people I dont know, and even the ones I DO know for that matter would understand how hard I really do try and not think Im sitting around stuffing myself with chocolate every day.
Im not a perfect eater for sure but I do try hard enough that if I were a "normal" person I'd be dropping weight like crazy.

Anyway, I am not normal and apparently never will be so thats that.

I havent lost sight of my dreams though, I'm just going to have to figure out how to achieve them and still be fat.
I always said to myself, I'll do this or that when I lose weight, and I know Ive talked about this before, but I really do HAVE to figure out how to DO things now and not wait.

Maybe Ive used being fat as an excuse for too long. I mean like it or not thin..or even chubby people really do NOT know what I mean when I talk about my fears of doing things. And sorry Tyra Banks, putting on a fat suit for a day doesnt make you qualified to judge either. My suit wont come off, and I probably exercise more than anyone I know other than my sister but I still am this way.
I go up and down. Gaining and losing the same 15 lbs week after week, never breaking that magic number.

Im not giving up on being healthy just have to make myself be happy the way I am.

Its a very hard thing to do let me tell ya. Everyone and everything around me screams that Im a freak of nature and totally unacceptable in society because of my weight. So how strong do I have to be to keep those screams out? Stronger than I am Im afraid. At least right now.
Im trying to stay positive about this and just concentrate on my day to day routine. Exercising and letting that make me feel good. W
hat I really want to do is chuck it all , EAT like a FAT person and become one of those bed ridden super obese people that you see on TV. Lolling around in a super King sized bed for the rest of their lives. Unable to move and having to be helped just to roll over.

OK no, not really...I would rather be dead than that bad off.
I cant run very easily but I can walk fast, and I can swim and ride a bike.
I can lift weights and do squats on my ever creaking knees.
I can do all these things and feel very good about myself for doing them, so thats what I'll keep doing.
I will not be the super obese person in the bed forever waiting to die alone.

Wish me luck.

Bad News

2008-02-07T12:13:00.000-05:00

So I just came from my endocrinologist and he finally told me what I've suspected all my life about my weight.

He said and I quote, " the only way for you to lose a significant amount of weight is to starve yourself"

...Stunned silence....

I have the fat gene. I used to joke about that but I really actually do it seems.
He gave me medication for insulin intolerance like my dad and sister have too. That should at least help me process sugars better. It will also help prevent me getting diabeties , along with a "proper diet and exercise program."

Thats the best I can hope for....no diabeties but your going to be fat until the day you die.

I told him my sister has lost a bunch of weight and doesn't starve herself, and he said, "yes but she doesn't have your history of being heavy all your life, neither does your dad."
Basically I get this from my dads side of the family and Elise and my dad have a touch of it, but I got the big fat magic bean it seems.

Im not sure how I feel about it.

I mean on one hand Im glad someone finally listened, tested me for the right things and told me basically its not all my fault.
On the other hand its rather depressing to think in a world where fat is the last acceptable prejudice I can do little about my situation short of starving myself, which by the way was exactly what I did do before when I actually lost weight.

Perpetual starvation....being overweight forever...these are my choices.

Im not giving up on eating well and exercising, and I feel certain that it will help me lose some weight but as far as really being normal I guess that's out the window.

Kind of makes me cry.

All I've ever wanted in my whole life is to be normal and to have a Dr. tell me that's just not possible is sort of devastating.

He did add that if I was living in a 3rd world country I might do well because Im built to survive starvation. Nice. maybe if I join the Peace Core I'll lose a few pounds and attract the attention of Brad Pitt!

I have to say the more this sinks in the worse I feel.

How much money, time, tears, emotional breakdowns, loss of people in my life, lonliness, grief, self loathing, beating myself up, starvation, and so much more have I lived through and wasted all these years of my life to find out that I cant do anything about it...

Yeah, this a bad day.

Super Sunday

2008-02-03T14:33:00.000-05:00

Just got off the treadmill and feeling great!
Ive started off the month with a bang of energy and Im feeling very on track.
Im not bothering to think that I will never pick up a piece of pizza again, or munch on a greasy chicken wing slam - dunked in bleu cheese dressing because I know thats unrealistic.
What is realistic is to know I can exercise every day, or at least 6 times a week and feel fabulous weather Im losing a lot of weight or not.
Sometimes I need to see those number drop to keep me going, but as Ive seen before if I deprive myself of things too long I crash and burn.
Right now Im feeling very on my game.
Lets see if we can find some new players!

End of the month

2008-01-30T10:05:00.000-05:00

Well, the end of the month is upon me and I have not met my goal. perhaps my goal was unrealistic. I wanted to drop 21 lbs this month. I have lost 9 instead. I was on the way but I got derailed last week when I came down with a bad case of stomach flu, followed by a basic case of "Becky is depressed and hiding from the world syndrome", during which time I drank and ate everything bad in sight for 4 days.

I'm back on track though. I have to remember to forgive myself for messing up and move on.

I messed up bad a couple of Sundays ago. I made a total ass of myself with the boy that I'm currently obsessed with and haven't seen or spoken to him since. I foresee him being a jerk to me when I see him Sunday. He will be working where I intend to watch the Superbowl. Hell, lets be honest, I could give a shit about the Superbowl, I'm going up there to look great in front of him in the hopes of him noticing me, or at least noticing someone else noticing me. Yes, I'm back in that place.
I currently have not had an obsession like this in about 5 years. Oh sure, the muffin is always in my mind. Today is his birthday in fact, and I thought about him all last night and how I gave him one of my favorite photographs for his 28th birthday. 6 years ago and counting and every year I remember it because it was the last time we were ever "together".

I'm glad that we have morphed into good friends, and I still say I want to know him when hes 90..( if either of us are still kicking by then). I still compare every guy I meet to him and no one has ever come close yet, but theres always tomorrow!

In any case my current obsession is just bugging the crap out of my brain. I cant figure out WHY I cant stop thinking about him. I mean yes, hes hot, and yes, he has certain ...ummm...talents shall we say that go beyond most guys Ive met before. But hes a jerk..I mean hes arrogant...probably THE most self centered, selfish, stuck up for no good reason guy Ive ever met in my life.
I should not ever give him the time of day, yet I obsess about him constantly. I think about him all the time.
I don't remember if I mentioned this but I photographed him over Christmas weekend and well, lets just say they are ummm stunning photos! Now, to be honest, I did light him well, and I have a great eye, and I also used photoshop on his little imperfections, but, lets face it, the canvas wasn't bad to begin with!
I thought he would be begging to come back and see me after that weekend, but he hasn't been back since, and when Ive seen him up at the Track he just says hey and sometimes chats me up but that's it. Then, 2 Sundays ago..actually the night before I got so ill, I had too much to drink or something and I fear I made a total ass of myself with him. I remember him being pissy with me and thank GOD Muffin and The Lovely Wife were there with me to drag me out of the place at some point. They said that I was super drunk but not totally making an ass of myself, I just know he never drinks that much and we have discussed before how we both hate the messy drunk thing.
We all screw up. We all have out moments. I just hate that I came off like that to him. It seems like from the beginning Ive just made the worst impressions of myself to him. Like I dont know who I am when hes around. I become a blithering idiot with no self esteem and an attitude problem!

So I have to face it. We will not be together again, and I know it. And honestly I know in my heart its for the best. Hes trouble. Hes not good boyfriend material at all. He cheats on girls, is sly and manipulative. Hes the bad boy I always go for... hard.

I'm older now and I thought more mature about these things, but apparently not. Apparently I still get upset when I get blown off , or feel like I'm being used, or just passed over.
Yeah, I know, I should feel upset about those things but not when I put myself in the stew pot!

So I'm going to make a very conscious goal to not misbehave Sunday. I will look great, I will not drink too much, and I will ignore him entirely.

Anyone want to take bets on how I do?

As for my month of new life overall I did OK. I screwed up for about 10 days out of 31. Not bad for me I think. I think its a good sign that I am sticking to my goals as best as I can for now. I just have to keep it going.
After all, imagine how the boy will look at me in 6 months when Ive dropped weight. Feeling better and looking hot. Mmmm!! Delicious!

Good ME

2008-01-17T09:33:00.000-05:00

Doing good. Treadmill this AM 45 minutes..sweated my ass off even though it was freezing in the house.
It snowed here yesterday. Didn't stick but it was enough to put the entire city in the "bread and milk panic".
Its so crazy!
Anyway, I'm inspired again. I'm not going to give myself the day off this weekend from working out. I think its better that way since I tend to fall off the wagon if I slack off even one day.
So yeah, Good for ME!

311

Dragging but not dead

2008-01-16T16:23:00.001-05:00

I managed to drag my butt out of bed this morning to work out, and it was great!
I always go back to thinking about why I slack off when it feels so damn good when I give it my all.
The road ahead is a long one full of obstacles, but I have a good sense of who I am these days and I will not fail myself.

312

Bump in the road

2008-01-15T10:35:00.000-05:00

Hit a bump in the road over the weekend. Actually I was very good until Sunday. I didn't exercise Sunday and drank with my sister Sunday evening, which made me stay up too late, and not work out Monday.
:(
I also ate badly Sunday.
No punishment, just a bump in the road, of which I know there will be many.
I didn't work out this morning either. Just couldn't manage to crawl out of bed, but I'm doing it this afternoon.
Have to get back on track. Im NOT quitting.

313

Day 9

2008-01-10T15:52:00.000-05:00

Day 9 and Ive dropped another 2 lbs overnight!
I thought for sure Id at least stay the same. I felt heavy on the scale this AM. I actually felt terrible all morning.
I feel OK now, and I'm glad I did my treadmill 45 minutes this morning.
My goal is to get to 1 hour in the morning by the end of the month.
I'm feeling GREAT!!

310

Drop

2008-01-09T14:42:00.000-05:00

I dropped 2 lbs last night somehow. I stayed the same weight Monday & Tuesday and I thought Id be over or the same this AM but nope, 2 lbs down so that makes 9 total since the Jan 1, 2008!
I know this is water weight, and I know it wont keep coming off like this, but its a nice thing to begin with. Hell I expect I might go back up again by next Monday, that's my usual MO, but I'm exercising every morning. Today I went to 40 minutes on the treadmill.
Ive decided that the morning exercise is really the best idea for me. At least get the treadmill out of the way, then I can do weights or something else at night. My goal is to work up to an hour on the mill in the morning.

I will walk my more than pudgy butt off one step at a time.

On the food front I have actually been doing OK I think. I have not been measuring because I hate doing that. It just pisses me off and makes me want to dive head first into a steaming pile of pizza topped with brownies!

I have been eating fish, vegetables, boiled egg whites and a little brown rice. Some fat free yogurt, and today I had fat free cottage cheese for lunch with a tuna salad I made.

I was cutting out all cheese but I decided yesterday at the grocery store I needed a change.
I made a tuna salad with fat free sour cream instead of my precious mayonnaise, which turned out pretty good, although lets face it there just is no substitute for mayo!
My lunch today was probably higher in calories than I have been eating so I need to be extra careful tonight.
Every morning when I weigh myself I hope if the scale hasn't gone down that at least it doesn't go up. I realize this might happen here and there but I'm doing everything I can to make it go the other direction.

I feel like this is my year. I feel so good about myself right now. I think my brush with possible death really did open my eyes to how much I really do love myself and my life, and how much I'm looking forward to being able to really LIVE!!

312

Good, Bad & Ugly

2008-01-08T15:00:00.000-05:00

Good:
Ive managed to stick to my new plan for 7 days now with only one slip up. I have also been working out every day accept one and Ive managed to drop 7 lbs in a week.

Bad:
I went out and had 2 drinks Saturday night after going to a shooting range with my parents Saturday during the day. 2 drinks, well I failed at the 20 day detox but I'm still OK with ME.

Ugly: I was sick on Sunday from something..possibly the drinks combined with this new medicine I started taking last week for insulin intolerance. I felt like crap all day and didn't work out that day.

I think I'm doing OK all things considered. I will not beat myself up, I will move forward and keep on track.

314

Day 3

2008-01-04T09:00:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I was so determined in the morning. By the afternoon my resolve was faltering. I got home and not only almost drank a glass of wine, but almost didn't work out again. But I didn't drink and I DID work out.
I had a thought yesterday afternoon during my anxiety too that the feeling I was getting could also be that I haven't smoked since Monday night. Nicotine withdrawal, even as minor as it would be for me, is still withdrawal.
When I walked in the door yesterday evening I was hungry, tired, and cranky. I wanted to get a glass of wine, plop down in front of the TV and eat cheese and crackers.

I don't have cheese or crackers in my house anymore so that was out. The wine, well yes its still there but I put on my sweats and got on the treadmill and within 5 minutes the feeling was gone. It was thankfully replaced by a good feeling that stayed with me the rest of the night.

I will say getting through the 30 minutes on the treadmill was a bitch. A buggery stinking bitch! I was calling to God for strength 15 minutes into it.
Then I realized I didn't have my headphones on and that at the gym the time goes by so much faster with music.
So this morning when I got up to boogie on the treadmill I was sure to get the trusty Ipod. It helped. Not only that I pushed myself harder than I had yesterday.

So here I am on day 3. Its Friday and normally I would be getting out of work at about 2:00, Id go the the grocery store, stocking up on beer and snacks for the weekend.

I used to stock pile food in my house like I was waiting for a nuclear winter. I'm no longer going to do that.

I would also normally be meeting my sister after she got off work at a bar for a few drinks. (This is obviously not going to happen either.)
Sometimes Id just stick home though, cracking the first frosty brew at about 4:00 or 5:00, drinking and snacking until I got sleepy, which depending on my sleep level for the week could be anywhere between 11:00PM and 3:00 Am.

Tonight I wont be doing any of that.

I'm a creature of habit in so many ways and I'm going to break them all. No, I'm not GOING to break them I AM breaking them.

For example, my car is in the shop today..all day..maybe until 6PM. Normally Id never put it in on a Friday because that would interfere with my routine.
When the buggy gets released, weather it be this afternoon or tonight, I'm going to go shopping at the Farmers Market. Yes, even if its at 6:00 PM. This is something Id NEVER do before. My routine would allow that.
Also, because I'm not drinking, and I'm eating healthier I'm going to buy myself something fancy, ( but healthy) for dinner this weekend.
Fresh fish. Maybe lobster or crab? Sea Bass, meaty and delicious at $16.00 a pound! Fresh asparagus, mushrooms, maybe some leeks. maybe try some fennel roasted with carrots and beets?

I'm making an effort to use my culinary skills for good, not evil!

Usually to work out I have to run straight to the gym, or in this case straight home or I wont do it. Its like my mind has a time clock and if its past 5:00 I feel like its too late to start. I mean come on ...30 minutes here...ridiculous, right?

So after the market, no matter what time it is, I'm coming home and getting on the treadmill for my second session of the day. NO MATTER WHAT!!

Then I'll make myself a meal of some sort, even though eating late is a bad idea its better than drinking and not exercising so I'm giving myself a pass on this one.

Then bed. Early, on a Friday. Yep.

Not a bad night.
Pray I can stick to my guns.

First thing I need to do after getting off that treadmill tonight is get all the leftover beer and wine out of my house. I purged my pantry and fridge but I didn't throw away the alcohol. I just couldn't bring myself to pitch 50$ worth of beer and 40$ worth of wine. I'm loading it all up in my truck tonight and taking it to my parents house tomorrow to store in the basement until I'm ready to have it back.
Oh sure I can always go to the store to buy more, but I wont. I will NOT.

I know its strange to think that a bad habit can have such a hold on a person and not be alcoholism, and I'm sure some scoffers out there would disagree and say YEP, Check her in to Betty Ford!! I don't think its physical. I think its mental. Bad habits..any habits, usually are.
I hear it takes 3 weeks to break or establish a habit.
We'll see.
GOD HELP ME BE STRONG!!!

Happy New Year

2008-01-03T08:55:00.000-05:00

Haven't been here in a while.
December was a crazy month of parties, drinking, eating and boy hunting!
I had a few experiences that I will never forget, and one that has inspired me to get healthy and drop this weight.
Everyone I know ( well almost) is detoxing this month.
No drinking, eat healthy, quit smoking and exercise.
I'm on my second day and I feel great but I'm really in fear of Friday. Weekends are my thing for drinking and being lazy.
The point of all this for most is just to detox. My point is to prove to myself that I can go 20 days without alcohol.
Sure I go 4 or 5 days during the week no problem. Weekend comes though and it like the Jeanie is let out of the bottle.
Its just been a habit Ive kept up for so many years I think its going to be hard.
So I guess that means I have a mental addiction to alcohol?
I think I have an addictive personality anyway. Food for comfort..boredom...treat...reward. Alcohol for the same reasons.

I'm making some major changes this year. I wont call it a resolution because I never do those. January just happens to be a great time of year to do these kind of things. No more parties, its cold and nasty outside and everyone is just kind of burnt out.
One of the things I'm AM doing is to stop saying "I'm going to try.." its I'M DOING IT or nothing at all.
I'm not going to put myself down anymore. I'm not going to blush and feel uncomfortable the next time someone gives me a compliment. I am embracing myself as I am and learning to love ME, and loving myself that much means I will no longer treat myself so badly.
I discovered something a week or so ago. For a long time now I have had moments of real depression. Melt downs where I think, OK, this is it. I'm done with this life. God please let me die. Sometimes I have even whipped out my pistol and played with the thought of using it.
This happened to me recently again. I was overwrought with confusion, frustration, revulsion and grief. I took it out, cocked the trigger and pointed it at my skull.
Then I looked in the barrel. Square into that small dark hole that could end my life as I know it. I was suddenly really scared. I lowered the gun and went to uncock it thinking...OK lets just take a minute here...it wouldn't un-cock. It was stuck there, ready to fire with the slightest touch on the trigger.
I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. I ended up putting it outside in my BBQ grill and the next morning I called my dad to come fix it. Turns out it was something I could have done myself but at the time I couldn't do anything but shake. I told my dad that Id pulled it out in fear of a burglar and cocked it accidentally. I was shaking even watching him fix it and I realized I think for the first time in my life something I haven't ever really thought about this deeply.
I really want to live.
I mean LIVE!! I have wandered through my life for almost 38 years in a haze of fear and self loathing. Buried in a body that holds me back and makes me hide from the light of the world.
Anyone who has ever been really fat knows exactly what I'm talking about.
That fear you get when you step out of your house every day. You could be going to the store, or the park, or just to work, but you feel them. Those people staring at you...judging you.
Well, I cant change them, but I can change me. And it NOT for them, its for ME and me alone.
I really want to travel to Ireland one day, and I really want to be able to wear shorts in the summer time.
I really want to wear just jeans and a t-shirt when its 100 degrees out and not have to layer myself with body suits that hold in the gooo.
Its a miserable way to live, and I refuse to waste one more day. I have time left that will be the best time of my life.
I cant look change what Ive missed out on in the past, but I can reflect on it and use it to inspire my future.
Cheers to me!!! ( with water..) and may this year bring us all what we desire!

So here it is, day 2 of my changes. I intend to keep writing about this as much as possible too. I know no one reads this but Id like to look back on it this time next year and see where I was. For now I have 4 months until the first swim day and that's enough time to make a dimple in my wobbly goo.
6 months until my 38th birthday.
8 months until the beach vacation.
12 months until another new year.
God be with me! Help me to make this change stick for LIFE!
321

Holiday Blues

2007-12-05T11:58:00.000-05:00

Every year about this time I run between being very happy and very sad. I'm happy to be with friends, family, my dog.
I'm happy for the time of year that's about more then gifts, ( thank God, since I'm broke!)but about being together and appreciating what we already are so blessed to have.

The down side is I get lonely. Everyone I know is a couple, or at least has people interested in them. The best I can say for myself consists of a number of brief encounters with men that never want to stick around for the real thing, or if they do, I cant stand them.

When I meet a guy that I really click with and am attracted to I pray to God to let me have it. Just once Lord, let me have it for real, like everyone else does. Don't I deserve to have the experience of a real relationship with a guy that I am both physically and mentally attracted to?

I also pray to not ave the desire anymore at all if I cant have it.

So far neither prayer has been answered.

My friend Andy says that I hide too much, and that deep down inside I really don't want someone to be close to me because Id have to reveal all that stuff that no one knows about.
I do have that "stuff", and I do like to be alone.
I stuff my face with food to comfort my lonely heart, and then regret it and resent myself for not having more self control.

January is coming again. Time for those resolutions. I never make resolutions, but I do sometimes try to alter some behaviors. Years ago when i had my one big weight loss it started in January. By March Id lost 30 lbs and was steadily on the way to a new me. Looking back on it the weight seemed to just melt off.
Yes, I starved myself, and yes i worked out like a crazy person possessed.
Am I making excuses for not trying by telling myself that I have to starve and be obsessed with the gym in order to achieve any kind of success? Sometimes I think I am.
Excuses are so much easier than sit ups.

I'm going to try and just let it go. I hate always pining away for something that I'm obviously not meant to have. I really REALLY want to just be happy. I want to not care about those things and just enjoy ME for ME and my time I have right now. I hate being the Queen of Misery.

My job stinks right now too. No prospects and the one I do have in in the crapper.

So that about covers it.

Happy Holidays.

Trouble wears a baseball hat and carries a BIG STICK!!

2007-11-28T15:23:00.000-05:00

Oh my....when I decide to dive into the shit I really dive in!
So not to get to personal, but I had something happen to me this past weekend that is making me weak in the knees.
I met a guy. Well no, that's not true, I actually met him 8 months ago but this weekend was the first time he paid any real attention to me.
From the first time i saw him last winter I was instantly attracted to him. His looks are right up my ally. Tall, nice body but not super skinny or too bulky, a few tattoos ( I saw these showing ever so slightly through his shirt), Gorgeous blue eyes, and the killer of all the Goa-tee and baseball hat look...ouch!!!
So he paid attention to me last winter once, and then i found out he had a girlfriend, but I have seen him throughout this year.
Recently they broke up, but I didn't think anything about it until this past weekend.

Friday: At the bar hes working. He starts talking to me and it goes well as usual.
Blah blah blah...a few hours later I'm leaving. I get in my car and all the sudden theres a knock on the window. Its him. Just a quick goodbye chat and I'm off.
Weird I thought...he could have asked me for my number then but he didn't, BUT I got the distinct impression that he was flirting with me.

Saturday: I go back to his bar to watch a football game. hes working, the bar is packed. Good time roll, blah blah blah. I got to leave, its early, barely getting dark out.
He stops me and gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

FREEZE FRAME!! My whole body is getting hot and I'm shaking a little...Did he really just do that to ME???

So the conversation is like this:

Him: Your leaving already?
ME: yeah, I'm meeting some friends at their house to watch another game.
Him: Oh....( sad look and pause)
Me: So what are you doing after work?
Him: Ummm I don't know yet...why?
Me: Well, you could come join us to watch the game if you want To?

FREEZE FRAME!! I'm freaking out...I'm NEVER this bold...ok..ok...keep your cool....

Him: Sounds fun, let me get your number and I'll call you in a bit when i get off.
ME: (calmly gives number)

Him: Gotta get back to work, I'll call you in a bit.

ME: FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!

So I get to my friends house, we watch most of the game while hes texting me a few times. Wants to know who's over there that he knows, blah blah...I'm thinking, OK, hes checking out the situation to see if hes going to come.
I'm thinking that if theres someone there that he knows he wont come because he doesn't want anyone to know hes hanging out with me.

Time goes by...no show.. no show...games almost over....

He shows.

Now I'm beside myself with joy and NERVOUS as HELL!!
I was so nerved out! I haven't been this nervous about a guy since The Muffin.

BACKGROUND INFO:
OK this guy is a player, I know it and he rep has definitely proved it..but hes hot..I mean SMOKING HOT and I haven't had a hot guy paying me attention like this in YEARS...

So we hang out a little while at the friends house, I relax some. Its getting later and he suggests we take it to my house.
NERVES GO OFF!!!
I know what this means. He wants to have me, and truth be told I want to give it to him, BUT I like him...and I want to see him again, so I don't want to give it up. Not not yet.

So we go. I'm excited and so nervous I can hardly speak.

We get to my house.

Scene: Standing outside the door as I'm unlocking it, hes right behind me...I mean close and I feel him straighten out my collar, grazing my neck as his fingers dig into the jacket. Chills.....

We go in. I give him the 50 cent tour. We sit on the sofa. It begins....

The conversation is a good one. It goes over all kinds of things. Likes, dislikes. Past experiences, past loves, past sex. he shows me his tattoos, ( which of course requires the removal of his shirt...ouch!!!)

Then he blind sides me...
He ask me..."Becky...do you still want to know what its like to kiss me?"

( the night we first met when I found out he had a girlfriend I said "awwww, and I really wanted to know what it was like to kiss you too!"...and he remembered....)

I'm thinking...damn...this guys good...hes got his game down. RESIST!!!

Of course I kiss him.

There are fireworks! Bombs going off! Geysers gushing! Volcanoes erupting!!

I'll spare you the details of what comes next but I can assure you no explanation would do it justice.

I'm in trouble..and I know it. I haven't been kissed...or anything else...like this in YEARS.
I am immediately obsessed.
I cant stop thinking about him, and the thing is I feel like its not going to happen again. I feel like I know who this is. Ive been with him before and I know what hes like. He will call me, string me along, keep me hooked just enough to keep me for his plaything. and it will break me. Break my heart and mind like it did years ago.
I have come so far in the past 6 years since the Muffin and the others before him that had a hand in my dismal excuse for self esteem. I have no intention of going back there again, but good God...I know the second I hear from him..IF I ever hear from him again...I'll be there.

I'm a junkie when it comes to men like this. I'm addicted from the first hit.

God help me I want him so badly I can think of little else.
I will see him again for sure. he works where I hang out.
I will see him Friday after work as a matter of fact. I'm already nervous.
What will he do? Will he break my heart already or at least give me the string for a while?

Maybe the quick knife to the heart would be best.

I'm in trouble.

Thankful

2007-11-21T10:22:00.000-05:00

I ask you, what kind of sicko invented a holiday based on FOOD!
I know whats its supposed to be for, but lets face it, Thanksgiving is one of those holidays that basically is a big sign saying LETS EAT!!
And eat whatever you want!
Dive into that pumpkin pie!
Swim in that creamy gravy, after all, its covering the oh so healthy turkey!
Ham, stuffing, sweets of every kind. Oooh..it makes me ill just thinking of it. Also a little hungry...

Now in our family we actually do make an effort to make healthy choices for dinner.
Tomorrow I'm making a dish of stuffed acorn squash. The stuffing is made of wild mushrooms, dried cranberries and sauteed onion & garlic. Fresh sage and a TINY bit of wheat bread crumbs. Just enough to bind it together along with a few egg whites.
No butter, a tiny bit of olive oil to saute in, and that's it.
And its good.
Were also having steamed cauliflower and green beans. Cheese sauce optional..
The traditional dressing along side the turkey, which is smoked on the green egg ( yum!) and your standard cranberry sauce and yeast rolls...
OK, no joke..I am a yeast roll junkie...I feel like I could eat an entire pan of yeast rolls...maybe 2...
I'm also picking up Luscious Lemon bars and Fantastic Fudge brownies from our local sin shop, Southern Sweets.
So some good and some bad...and the yeast rolls are just EVIL!!

Its time to be thankful.

I am thankful that I have a wonderful family that supports me mentally and financially when necessary.
I am thankful that I have a nice house and the sweetest baby dog in the world to come home to!
I am thankful that I have a job, even with the hours being cut, that I like to go to, and that I can afford nice things ( shoes) and live very comfortably.
I am thankful that I have food to eat, all be it too much and the wrong foods a lot of the time, I know there are people out there, even in America, that will be going to be hungry tomorrow night on what should be their fullest day of the year.
I am thankful for my friends that I know will always be there to put things right and make memories with.
Finally, I'm thankful to just be alive. Alive, relatively healthy, and happy.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Catching up

2007-11-14T15:05:00.000-05:00

Wow, its been a while.
Well my sister is OK. It turns out it wasn't colon cancer but Chrones Disease instead. After a horrible hospital stay which included and infection, then home again, another infection, and yet another hospital stay, she seems to be on the road to recovery.
One thing it did for me was get me talking to her again.
One thing it did for her was to put her priorities in place. Changes are in the wind for her and I'm glad. Life is so short and its such a shame to spend them in situations that make you unhappy.

As for me, well, I'm trucking along. My hours at work have been cut to 20 a week, which makes it difficult to make ends meet.
On a positive note, Ive started a personal Chef service for my parents which is making up for some of the money I'm losing as well as giving me experience in doing that kind of work. I'm hoping I can find a few more people that will pay for the service and turn it into a regular part time gig.

On the weight front there is no change. Ive again lost all motivation and drive to do anything.
I just don't know whats wrong with me but I sure do wish I could change it.
Wishing ain't getting!
I know...you have to DO or DO NOT!
Pfft!
Whatever.
I still wish.