I begin Frustrated

I'm sitting at work, starting a blog.This statement alone should tell you something about how exciting my job is. I know I know, I'm lucky to have a job, I just feel like whining, OK?I'm 36 closing in on 37. Ive had this job for 6 years, I make no money, I have no real job skills to speak of, no college education, I'm female and I'm fat. Not much to work with here is there.Do I feel sorry for myself? No. I'm grateful for the things I have, but I live most days, frustrated and feeling defeated.It could be worse you say. Of course it could!! I could have leprosy, live in the middle of the jungle in a mud hut and be picking up my appendages and keeping them in a basket for mementos!Of course it could be worse, but its MY life and therefore I have every right to bitch about it. One part about it anyway. My weight. Ahh yes the bane of all my troubles, the thorn in my chubby side, the egg, ( fried please..with a side of ham) on my face!Lets start with my inability to lose weight and keep it off. A topic I'm sure I am not alone with. I think that is and always has been the biggest ( no pun intended) problem in my entire life.I started out fat and I still am. Does this mean I'm forever meant to swim in the pool of lard the gods have placed me in? I hope not, and Ive spent my entire life fighting it.Oh Ive had my moments in the sun.Once upon a time in a land far far away..(6 years ago when I was 29 going on 30..oh I guess that was 7 years ago...damn....) a lovely but porky young woman met a beautiful guy. This guy was everything she thought shed ever want....blah blah blah...Hes was, and still is in my memory anyway, the most gorgeous man I've ever laid eyes on!I wanted him. I went after him, and I got him...well not fully. I *ahem* took him to the LUV chamber!! It was grand and I thought I had finally found the guy who would look past all the mounds of flub and see the real ME!! ** ta dah!!*Unfortunately he had a girlfriend already,and I suppose was going down chubby lane for kicks.I didn't know this at the time we first "got together" but I found out a few weeks into it that yes he was indeed attached and to a equally beautiful, and of course, skinny girl.Now I have adored, wanted, loved...whatever you want to call it..plenty of men /boys in my time, but for some reason when this one hit me something inside me screamed.." I will do anything to have you".Ive never been ugly, I am in fact a knock out in every other way accept my weight. I think this has always allowed me to have at least some attention from men. I'm the girl they want to sleep with but never date.but I digress! So in January of 2000 I decided that was it and I started seriously dieting and exercising. I say that like Ive never tried before, I should say THIS TIME IT WORKED!Something inside my head had finally "clicked" and I was in the zone.Ive gone off and on eating plans, life changes, exercises plans, anything you can think of Ive done since I was put on my first diet at 5 years old. Yes folks that's right! At 5 years old!! This is a whole story in itself, suffice to say mummy took me to the Dr and on the way home felt sorry for her poor whale of a daughter and stopped at McDonald's for 2 Big Macs! Nice huh...This time it really was different though. I was at the gym almost daily. At first it was for 30 minutes, then an hour, then 2 hours 6 to 7 days a week. I stopped eating meat almost entirely, was on a huge vegetable kick, no bread no fats that I could help, no starches. Not a lot of anything to be honest. I was consuming about 1000 or less calories a day on top of all the crazy exercise.Then the pounds really started to come off and I was obsessed! For the first time in my life I was really doing it. In one year I lost about 100 pounds, which at the time I thought was super fast and great. As it turns out it was the typical 8 lbs a month, 2 lbs a week I should have been losing on a "normal" lifestyle change, diet whatever BS thing you want to call it this week!Then 2 things happened. First off I was still 75 lbs, ( well 55 if at the top end) away from my "ideal" weight, but for some reason everyone, my friends, family, strangers even, were telling me that I was fine now, and were all really worried that I wasn't eating and over exercising.Can you imagine? I mean Ive been a WHALE of a girl my whole life, I'm FINALLY on the right track and suddenly I'm NOT eating enough? The crazy thing is to this day I cant lose weight without being that severe about it, and having that drive to actually do that again has escaped me.After a year or so of not losing any more weight and maintaining what I had done I started allowing the thoughts in of eating this or that...( pass the pizza please) and Oh yes I can have just a bite or two of that fried chicken...and maybe I'll skip the gym today.What I didn't see then that I see very clearly now is that I was on the road back. Back to being a blob that no one will even make eye contact with. God forbid someone might think they were actually LOOKING at me! Oh the horror!!By the time I really realized things were going array Id gained about 20 lobs back and my clothes no longer fit. I bought new ones ( Id gleefully thrown all my fat clothes away swearing Id never be back in "that size" again) and decided Id simply start my old regime again. The thing is that 'click" was gone. And it has never come back.The first real year of gaining was 3 years ago, and ever since then its been a steady thing until fall of 2005, when over three months I gained about 50 lbs. Boom!What had changed? Was I eating more than normal? Was I exercising less?Well yes. All of that and quite a bit more, only I didn't want to admit it. None of it. I didn't want to take responsibility for it.As I sit here now (trying to make a very long story short) the point is, I'm 150 lbs overweight and I feel like I cant do anything about it.Ive been trying to exercise, cut down on drinking, ( did I mention I'm a pretty steady drinker? ** hic!!**)eat better foods and less of them, but nothing is getting me back to that place. That wonderful scary place I was in when I ate nothing but spinach and salads with no dressing and exercised 2 hours a day 7 days a week.Sounds extreme? Well I tell you that's what I had to do to lose that 100 lbs in a year. That's what I have to do to lose my pitiful 1.5 - 2 lbs a week, and God help me I cant make anyone understand that.I don't know how many people have told me to do this plan or that and all ..I mean ALL of them at some point say...well why don't you "just get that surgery.." like that's the answer to my problems.I have tried to explain to them....you know those people... that having an operation to make myself sick if I over eat is still not going to solve my mental block of not wanting to eat like a friggin concentration camp victim!! Ive done some research over the years about that operation and seriously thought about it but the bottom line is, I think if I can, and HAVE done it on my own without the slice & dice, why do I need to do that? Its still hard as hell from what Ive read, and you still have to eat nothing and cant ever have the things you have now... EVER again!I cant make anyone understand that I cant ever be normal like them. I will NEVER be able to eat a cheese burger, fries and a coke and NOT gain weight from it. I will NEVER be able to eat like most of my friends do and not be the weight I am. I'm sorry, I really should not have used the old burger -n- fries as an example. I really cant eat a sliced turkey on wheat without gaining weight either!!As it is now I eat mostly well, but I binge in the quiet. I see my friends having their pizza and burgers ( and turkey on wheat) so I go home by myself and have my own...in the quiet where no one will see the fat face shoving itself full of meat and grease. Its not FAIR ( I say to myself while wiping the pizza sauce from my face) that THOSE PEOPLE can have their cake and eat it too... literally!Then I diet for a week, then I get depressed and go for drinks after work, which leads to the drunk munchies, which leads to...ooh pizza!!I had a friend once...well more than one but this one was particularly irritating....She was 98 lbs and used to eat whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. Now granted because she was so small ( bitch..) to begin with she could not shovel down the amounts of bad food that I can when I'm on my gorges, but she certainly made a habit of the steady stream of grease and sugar. Enough to gross me out and make me want to eat a salad...really badly!See its not that I want to eat crap all the time, Id just like to be able to have the self control to be disciplined most of the time, have a treat, then go back to my regime. It seems like for me its all or nothing.Pizza is my crack and Papa Johns (TM) is my dealer!!!For now I'm on Weight Watchers...again. I started it back in September and have managed to lose 16 lbs, gain back 5, and lose 4 again. I started this blog today after coming across a few others that are interesting and seem to be a purge of thoughts and feelings that I share. I'm hoping to get reactions, positive or negative, that will help me define what I'm doing in this next year.I'm trying to get back on that road you see. I NEED to be on it so badly, and I need help.I'm sick of myself and I don't know quite how to start, even though Ive started before so many times.I'm not giving up, but I sure could use some inspiration.Ive read a lot of blogs that are positive and seem to have people undergoing massive positive changes. I'm not that happy blogger yet but I hope to be some day.