My 37th birthday is closing in on me fast.
I can still remember things, conversations, the way my rooms looked growing up, the way it felt when I was teased for being fat in the 1st grade....and second...and third...and so on....
The time I got on my first horse Tanya and rode bareback into the lake..wow that was a great one!
My second horse Windy, who used to rub her soft velvet nose on my neck when she wanted a carrot! ( oh that one makes me cry!)
Living in my first apartment with Eric and Matt, and Eric leaving me to persue his dreams in Florida. I thought Id die when he left...turned out it would have been better if he'd done that long ago!
Moving in to Roberts house with Beth, and living like a shut in for years, wanting so much to just leave the house and start something on my own but being terrified to step out the door.
Charlie walking into that damn bar the very first time I laid eyes on him...damn....
Brian, the first time he kissed me, then the first time he hit me.
Muffin...oh my...the first time HE kissed me..the first night we sat up doing nothing much *ahem* but talking, and how I felt high on life quite literally for the first time ever.
Theres more, so much more.
I remember all of it so well.
It all feels like yesterday quite literally.
How is it possible that my life has been so long lived yet have been a blink in Gods eye?
I didn't mean to be so negative in that last entry. Well, that's not true, I did mean it, but I'm really not as negative as that comes across.
Right now Id describe myself as stagnant and frustrated. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. Something good that's going to come along and change my whole life. Maybe a person? Maybe just an event.
Maybe I'll go buy a lottery ticket today! Hee hee!
Money does change things you know. I know its not the be all end all of happiness, but damn...I mean if you don't have to worry about bills or where to get money for clothes, housing cars, GAS for cars, if your going to lose your job..blah blah blah...wouldn't you be a bit more relaxed?
At the very least you could concentrate on the things in life that really matter. Family, friends, health.
Things in my life have been privileged in many ways, and in others not. When I feel cursed all I have to do is look around my lovely house and see all the fine ( material yes but still..) things that I have acquired and admire. The comfort of my home, the strength of my family.
I'm a lucky girl.
Maybe, just maybe if I concentrate really hard on just trying to do one thing, my life will be better. I think that one thing for me needs to be appreciating every minute of my life as it has been gifted to me.
Sounds pretty easy doesn't it. Well its not. ( was that a complaint?)
Id like to do it though just the same. Like snapping a rubber band on my wrist every time I have a negative thought about myself or my life in general.
Would my wrist look like a raw sausage after a few days? HA! Probably! Must be a better way.
I know one thing, as much as I mentally tally all the screwed up things in my life on a daily...no...HOURLY basis, I bet if God snatched it all away from me and said..SEE!! SEE WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS SO UNIMPORTANT? HOW YA LIKE THEM APPLES? WAIT.....NO!.....NO APPLES FOR YOU EITHER!!!!
Id rethink things.
So what if I'm fat? I mean really? Other than the public humiliation ( which God knows i should be used to by now!) and the lack of attention from men what baring does it really have on my life other that what I MAKE it have?
I always think it stops me from doing anything in life.
Don't apply for that job...your too fat...they wont like you on sight...
Don't buy that colorful shirt...you'll look like the side of a barn!
Don't talk to that guy, why would he even LOOK at you!?
Don't ride your bike in places where anyone can see you! You look fat and stupid!
OK, so some of my "donts" are probably good advise...like the colorful shirt thing...
but the rest?
Yes there are people who would not hire me for being overweight, and there are most definitely men that would look at me cross eyed if I tried to speak to them, and some ass would ride up behind me in a car while I was riding my bike ( this one has actually happened folks!) and honk while screaming "fat ass get off the road!!"
But even if that all happens should that keep me from still enjoying MY life? its MINE and why I let other people take it from me I will never know.
I have a lot of bad habits but I think that's the worst one. Worse that overeating, worse than not exercising enough, worse than drinking too much.
God help me break this ONE habit and learn to love my life and myself in it.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Hate
Every night when I go to bed I tell myself , tomorrow will be the day I begin again, then tomorrow comes and I don't do what I set out to do the night before. I even give myself the pep talk in the morning before work and by the time I get home I let it go and do what I shouldn't be doing.
I hate that I have no self control. I hate that I can't seem to rein myself in. I hate that I have a gym in my house that I'm too lazy to use. I hate that I keep getting useless advise from people that have no idea what I'm going through. I hate that I gained the weight back. I hate that I look at myself in the mirror and feel like vomiting. I hate that the only things I find comfort in are food and alcohol. I hate that I hate so many things. I hate that I am losing the battle. I hate that I have no self esteem. I hate that I feel lousy most of the time. I hate that I have a bad attitude. I hate that I cant seem to find my drive to succeed. I hate dreaming of the way my life could be and doing nothing to make it happen.
I don't hate myself though. I just hate all the other parts to my life.
I guess I'm more of a negative person that Id like to believe.
I hate that.
I hate that I have no self control. I hate that I can't seem to rein myself in. I hate that I have a gym in my house that I'm too lazy to use. I hate that I keep getting useless advise from people that have no idea what I'm going through. I hate that I gained the weight back. I hate that I look at myself in the mirror and feel like vomiting. I hate that the only things I find comfort in are food and alcohol. I hate that I hate so many things. I hate that I am losing the battle. I hate that I have no self esteem. I hate that I feel lousy most of the time. I hate that I have a bad attitude. I hate that I cant seem to find my drive to succeed. I hate dreaming of the way my life could be and doing nothing to make it happen.
I don't hate myself though. I just hate all the other parts to my life.
I guess I'm more of a negative person that Id like to believe.
I hate that.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Savor the flavor
What makes us successful or unsuccessful? Is it drive? Ambition? The way we were raised? Or is it simple luck?
In life I often think that no matter what we do as human beings we are who we are going to be from birth and the only thing we can do to make things better ( or at least different) is learn to appreciate what we have instead of trying to change things. Theres nothing wrong with trying to improve yourself of course, and when you do something that makes you proud or mentally satisfied you feel accomplished and well...different, but we never really change.
That could be the truth, it could also be pure laziness. Change is a hard thing to make happen, which is also a reason I think sometimes we are who we are meant to be, and I happen to be a lazy fat slob! HA!
At least that's what I think many people who don't know me think I am.
I am also a bright, funny, sensitive woman who loves to do things for and with her friends and family. I wish there was a way to give the world those rose colored glasses if for no other reason to see each other as we really are. Good or bad.
I don't know what my purpose on earth is yet, and as I slide into my 37th birthday in the next few weeks I'm left thinking, If I don't know by now, will I ever know?
Life has been patiently waiting for me to figure it out it seems.
I seem to sit back and watch my life rush by me year by year. Each birthday promising myself the next I will be thinner, in a different place, more successful.
Then the next birthday comes, and the next, and but for the exception of a couple of birthdays in my long years I have never seen much change, or been able to hold on to the changes I have so painstakingly suffered to make.
There is some change of course. Age, oh my yes..... Lines grow deeper, places that although always fat ( thus saggy in general) were a bit perkier, and seem to have moved a bit further south, and my future seems dim...well not dim, but not the shining star it once could have been had I the vision to have seen in 20 years ago.
At least I have a future though, and I guess if it never gets any brighter for me, its not so bad as it is.
Who was it that said few of us are destined for greatness, the rest of us are just taking up space.
Well something like that...
In life I often think that no matter what we do as human beings we are who we are going to be from birth and the only thing we can do to make things better ( or at least different) is learn to appreciate what we have instead of trying to change things. Theres nothing wrong with trying to improve yourself of course, and when you do something that makes you proud or mentally satisfied you feel accomplished and well...different, but we never really change.
That could be the truth, it could also be pure laziness. Change is a hard thing to make happen, which is also a reason I think sometimes we are who we are meant to be, and I happen to be a lazy fat slob! HA!
At least that's what I think many people who don't know me think I am.
I am also a bright, funny, sensitive woman who loves to do things for and with her friends and family. I wish there was a way to give the world those rose colored glasses if for no other reason to see each other as we really are. Good or bad.
I don't know what my purpose on earth is yet, and as I slide into my 37th birthday in the next few weeks I'm left thinking, If I don't know by now, will I ever know?
Life has been patiently waiting for me to figure it out it seems.
I seem to sit back and watch my life rush by me year by year. Each birthday promising myself the next I will be thinner, in a different place, more successful.
Then the next birthday comes, and the next, and but for the exception of a couple of birthdays in my long years I have never seen much change, or been able to hold on to the changes I have so painstakingly suffered to make.
There is some change of course. Age, oh my yes..... Lines grow deeper, places that although always fat ( thus saggy in general) were a bit perkier, and seem to have moved a bit further south, and my future seems dim...well not dim, but not the shining star it once could have been had I the vision to have seen in 20 years ago.
At least I have a future though, and I guess if it never gets any brighter for me, its not so bad as it is.
Who was it that said few of us are destined for greatness, the rest of us are just taking up space.
Well something like that...
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Insurance game
I cant get any other insurance. I don't "fit the profile" so no bypass surgery for me.
Have I ever fit the profile?
i have a feeling The Profile is modeled after an average woman...you know, 5.6 and 98 lbs. Isn't that what average is? God knows a size 16 is grossly overweight. not that I'm anywhere near a 16 mind you. I think the last time I wore a size 16 was in the 5th grade.
You know what id love?
Id love to be able to afford to meet a personal trainer 5 days a week.
No, even better, have one come to my house and kick my butt there! Id have no way to get out of it!
Sloth....isn't that one of the 7 deadly sins?
Gluttony...that's another one....
Hmmmm...it is getting hot in here or is that just me?
Have I ever fit the profile?
i have a feeling The Profile is modeled after an average woman...you know, 5.6 and 98 lbs. Isn't that what average is? God knows a size 16 is grossly overweight. not that I'm anywhere near a 16 mind you. I think the last time I wore a size 16 was in the 5th grade.
You know what id love?
Id love to be able to afford to meet a personal trainer 5 days a week.
No, even better, have one come to my house and kick my butt there! Id have no way to get out of it!
Sloth....isn't that one of the 7 deadly sins?
Gluttony...that's another one....
Hmmmm...it is getting hot in here or is that just me?
Monday, May 7, 2007
Better
Wow..I had a MAJOR melt down Friday. I thought Id had it Thursday but apparently that was just a preview.
Thursday I decided to finally take the plunge and call my DR about looking in to lap-band surgery. The first thing I was told was that Kaiser, my insurance company, doesn't cover it. Not any part or form.
My comment to them was,"So you'd rather cover me if I get diabetes, heart disease, knee replacements and god knows what else, but wont pay for one thing that would help me be healthy forever?"
Twisted. I was so upset I just cried all day. I felt better Friday during the day, but had already decided to lay low all weekend. I didn't feel like being around anyone and certainly didn't want to go out anywhere.
So I went home and when my sister got off work she came over for a while. She was off early, as I am on Fridays and we of course had a few drinks. We were watching a movie, a funny one actually, when I just lost it and started sobbing.
It was all a flood about how miserable I am and the feeling of being so out of control and unmotivated to do anything.
A total failure at everything I try.
The feeling of being so big yet so invisible to people on the streets.
The feeling of being watched in strange ways by total strangers and by my own friends like a freak show.
The feeling that I will never meet a man that I am attracted to and is not a total pathetic mess ...a normal guy...because normal men don't like fat women.
There was more, much more. It was like I was mourning the loss of a life I still live. I was sadder than I have been in so long that I actually thought about blowing my brains out for the first time in years.... for real.
Fortunately, I reached out and found a friend. Two actually. All it took was a text saying I needed a friend and a while later they were at my door. Talk about a life saver!
They just let me rage and cry and be pitiful.
Sometimes a girl just needs attention I guess.
I admit it. I hate when people say a suicidal thought is "just" a cry for attention...because DAMN STRAIGHT IT IS!!! Its like please help be before I actually do jump.
They did. I woke up Saturday morning ashamed of my behavior but they weren't. They were still as understanding as ever and supportive.
I made us all a huge southern breakfast which I have not had in so long.
Comfort food? Perhaps so because I sure did feel better.
I felt better before the food though.
I was so full of rage and frustration and disappointment in myself that I was just overwhelmed with grief for a life that was not dead.
Sunday I felt even better. It was sunny and warm and I spent the afternoon planting lovely flowers in my garden.
I was going to work out as well, but after 3 hours outside sweating I thought Id had enough.
I felt replenished, and better than I have in a long time.
So Ive decided to make small goals for myself every day. I'm not going to even make myself work out in the afternoons, although I do plan to start back in the morning again. I just want to decided to do one small thing every day after work.
So instead of going home, eating, sitting in front of the TV and going to bed at 7:00 I will plant flowers, or play with Scruffy in the yard, or go for a walk, or start a small house project. God knows I have a ton of things I have been planning on doing that I can be working on.
I kept waiting for someone to do them with me, when I really just need to realize I'm here on my own and that's not a bad thing, its just my life and the sooner I enjoy it BY MYSELF the better off I'll be.
I can say one thing. I have the most wonderful friends on the planet!!
Today I'm getting more flowers to plant and I might put a few of them in the ground as my goal for the day.
I am going to take a picture of my garden when I'm finished with it and post it here as proof of my accomplishments.
If only for me!
Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I'm starting menopause at 36 for real and my emotions are going crazy. Whatever the case I'm going to have to start taking an active role in my own destiny.
A little bird reminded me last Thursday in the fine words of Yoda.."Do or do not..there is no try.."
Thursday I decided to finally take the plunge and call my DR about looking in to lap-band surgery. The first thing I was told was that Kaiser, my insurance company, doesn't cover it. Not any part or form.
My comment to them was,"So you'd rather cover me if I get diabetes, heart disease, knee replacements and god knows what else, but wont pay for one thing that would help me be healthy forever?"
Twisted. I was so upset I just cried all day. I felt better Friday during the day, but had already decided to lay low all weekend. I didn't feel like being around anyone and certainly didn't want to go out anywhere.
So I went home and when my sister got off work she came over for a while. She was off early, as I am on Fridays and we of course had a few drinks. We were watching a movie, a funny one actually, when I just lost it and started sobbing.
It was all a flood about how miserable I am and the feeling of being so out of control and unmotivated to do anything.
A total failure at everything I try.
The feeling of being so big yet so invisible to people on the streets.
The feeling of being watched in strange ways by total strangers and by my own friends like a freak show.
The feeling that I will never meet a man that I am attracted to and is not a total pathetic mess ...a normal guy...because normal men don't like fat women.
There was more, much more. It was like I was mourning the loss of a life I still live. I was sadder than I have been in so long that I actually thought about blowing my brains out for the first time in years.... for real.
Fortunately, I reached out and found a friend. Two actually. All it took was a text saying I needed a friend and a while later they were at my door. Talk about a life saver!
They just let me rage and cry and be pitiful.
Sometimes a girl just needs attention I guess.
I admit it. I hate when people say a suicidal thought is "just" a cry for attention...because DAMN STRAIGHT IT IS!!! Its like please help be before I actually do jump.
They did. I woke up Saturday morning ashamed of my behavior but they weren't. They were still as understanding as ever and supportive.
I made us all a huge southern breakfast which I have not had in so long.
Comfort food? Perhaps so because I sure did feel better.
I felt better before the food though.
I was so full of rage and frustration and disappointment in myself that I was just overwhelmed with grief for a life that was not dead.
Sunday I felt even better. It was sunny and warm and I spent the afternoon planting lovely flowers in my garden.
I was going to work out as well, but after 3 hours outside sweating I thought Id had enough.
I felt replenished, and better than I have in a long time.
So Ive decided to make small goals for myself every day. I'm not going to even make myself work out in the afternoons, although I do plan to start back in the morning again. I just want to decided to do one small thing every day after work.
So instead of going home, eating, sitting in front of the TV and going to bed at 7:00 I will plant flowers, or play with Scruffy in the yard, or go for a walk, or start a small house project. God knows I have a ton of things I have been planning on doing that I can be working on.
I kept waiting for someone to do them with me, when I really just need to realize I'm here on my own and that's not a bad thing, its just my life and the sooner I enjoy it BY MYSELF the better off I'll be.
I can say one thing. I have the most wonderful friends on the planet!!
Today I'm getting more flowers to plant and I might put a few of them in the ground as my goal for the day.
I am going to take a picture of my garden when I'm finished with it and post it here as proof of my accomplishments.
If only for me!
Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I'm starting menopause at 36 for real and my emotions are going crazy. Whatever the case I'm going to have to start taking an active role in my own destiny.
A little bird reminded me last Thursday in the fine words of Yoda.."Do or do not..there is no try.."
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Dumps
For whatever reason I am in dumpsville. I cant manage to stick to any kind of diet...life program..whatever....(just give me a Snickers and shut up!)
Although I have not gained back much ( ..2 lbs..2 lousy stinking pounds....)
I feel awful. I just feel like I need help and I have no idea where to turn.
I ate a chicken sandwich for breakfast this morning ...which was supposed to be my lunch...after I ate my actual breakfast..and I'm still hungry. Or wait..not HUNGRY but not satisfied.
Every Thursday i begin again . I weigh, I start over for the week on my points determined to keep track of every one all weekend, and I don't do it. I don't exercise. My gym equipment has an inch of dust on it. I could grow potatoes in there...(mmmmmmm with bacon and cheeeese...)
Shut up!!*mental slap*
I say these things but i have not had a Snickers bar in years. I haven't had a potato with bacon and cheese in years. I have had things recently I shouldn't have had, but its mostly martinis and cheese and olives.
Oh screw it..I don't know why I'm even writing this. For me? i might as well write a private diary because no one ever reads this shit anyway.
FUCK EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!
I'm out.
Although I have not gained back much ( ..2 lbs..2 lousy stinking pounds....)
I feel awful. I just feel like I need help and I have no idea where to turn.
I ate a chicken sandwich for breakfast this morning ...which was supposed to be my lunch...after I ate my actual breakfast..and I'm still hungry. Or wait..not HUNGRY but not satisfied.
Every Thursday i begin again . I weigh, I start over for the week on my points determined to keep track of every one all weekend, and I don't do it. I don't exercise. My gym equipment has an inch of dust on it. I could grow potatoes in there...(mmmmmmm with bacon and cheeeese...)
Shut up!!*mental slap*
I say these things but i have not had a Snickers bar in years. I haven't had a potato with bacon and cheese in years. I have had things recently I shouldn't have had, but its mostly martinis and cheese and olives.
Oh screw it..I don't know why I'm even writing this. For me? i might as well write a private diary because no one ever reads this shit anyway.
FUCK EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!
I'm out.
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