Better

Wow..I had a MAJOR melt down Friday. I thought Id had it Thursday but apparently that was just a preview.
Thursday I decided to finally take the plunge and call my DR about looking in to lap-band surgery. The first thing I was told was that Kaiser, my insurance company, doesn't cover it. Not any part or form.
My comment to them was,"So you'd rather cover me if I get diabetes, heart disease, knee replacements and god knows what else, but wont pay for one thing that would help me be healthy forever?"
Twisted. I was so upset I just cried all day. I felt better Friday during the day, but had already decided to lay low all weekend. I didn't feel like being around anyone and certainly didn't want to go out anywhere.
So I went home and when my sister got off work she came over for a while. She was off early, as I am on Fridays and we of course had a few drinks. We were watching a movie, a funny one actually, when I just lost it and started sobbing.
It was all a flood about how miserable I am and the feeling of being so out of control and unmotivated to do anything.
A total failure at everything I try.
The feeling of being so big yet so invisible to people on the streets.
The feeling of being watched in strange ways by total strangers and by my own friends like a freak show.
The feeling that I will never meet a man that I am attracted to and is not a total pathetic mess ...a normal guy...because normal men don't like fat women.

There was more, much more. It was like I was mourning the loss of a life I still live. I was sadder than I have been in so long that I actually thought about blowing my brains out for the first time in years.... for real.

Fortunately, I reached out and found a friend. Two actually. All it took was a text saying I needed a friend and a while later they were at my door. Talk about a life saver!

They just let me rage and cry and be pitiful.

Sometimes a girl just needs attention I guess.
I admit it. I hate when people say a suicidal thought is "just" a cry for attention...because DAMN STRAIGHT IT IS!!! Its like please help be before I actually do jump.
They did. I woke up Saturday morning ashamed of my behavior but they weren't. They were still as understanding as ever and supportive.
I made us all a huge southern breakfast which I have not had in so long.
Comfort food? Perhaps so because I sure did feel better.
I felt better before the food though.

I was so full of rage and frustration and disappointment in myself that I was just overwhelmed with grief for a life that was not dead.

Sunday I felt even better. It was sunny and warm and I spent the afternoon planting lovely flowers in my garden.
I was going to work out as well, but after 3 hours outside sweating I thought Id had enough.
I felt replenished, and better than I have in a long time.

So Ive decided to make small goals for myself every day. I'm not going to even make myself work out in the afternoons, although I do plan to start back in the morning again. I just want to decided to do one small thing every day after work.

So instead of going home, eating, sitting in front of the TV and going to bed at 7:00 I will plant flowers, or play with Scruffy in the yard, or go for a walk, or start a small house project. God knows I have a ton of things I have been planning on doing that I can be working on.

I kept waiting for someone to do them with me, when I really just need to realize I'm here on my own and that's not a bad thing, its just my life and the sooner I enjoy it BY MYSELF the better off I'll be.
I can say one thing. I have the most wonderful friends on the planet!!

Today I'm getting more flowers to plant and I might put a few of them in the ground as my goal for the day.
I am going to take a picture of my garden when I'm finished with it and post it here as proof of my accomplishments.
If only for me!

Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I'm starting menopause at 36 for real and my emotions are going crazy. Whatever the case I'm going to have to start taking an active role in my own destiny.
A little bird reminded me last Thursday in the fine words of Yoda.."Do or do not..there is no try.."