Every week I look so forward to the weekends. The time when i will be able to sleep in, do yard work, and all these house projects that I list that seem to never get done.
I make lists and then on Friday I look at the list..longingly...then I promptly flop down on the nearest horizontal surface and tell myself I'll do it tomorrow. * *said in serious southern drawl**After all...tomorrow is another day!*(Thank you Scarlett)
Then its all over. Monday looms its ugly head and your stuck looking forward to Friday again. I wish I enjoyed things more day to day. That saying..live every day as if it were your last. Bugger!
You think if this was my last day Id be sitting in an office and typing on a computer? *Pff!*
Actually...I am not really sure what I would do...other than perhaps try to get laid..and I mean properly. God I haven't had good sex in soooooo many years its crazy.
As someone who rides the chubby train its not as easy as it is for most people to have sex period, much less good sex. The reasons are not physical, ( I'm damn good in bed....oh my yes!)
its more finding a decent partner. Obviously the choices are less when your a Big Bad Mamma Jamma such as I, but the opportunities are no less frequent. Its the damn choices..ugh...if I could scrape together just ONE good orgasm out of all the sex Ive had ( which granted ain't much) in the last 3 years Id be pushing it!
You never know though, that perfect penis with with the face to match could be lurking..hard...right around the corner!!!
Slut?! Was that a SLUT I heard from the Peanut Gallery? Oh balls! Look, I'm 36, I'm single, and I don't intend to ever be married. The possibilities of having a real relationship at this stage in my life are getting slimmer and slimmer UNLIKE my expansive thighs, which means that when the urge strikes, and the opportunity is there I'm takin' it!!
Who really cares anyway? I mean the best part of men for me is usually when I ask them ...in my sweetest demure southern manner...to please get the fuck out of my bed, then my house, then my life.
Its like a nicely cooked meal. You eat your fill then you throw it out.
Leftovers are never as good....well unless its Italian...Mmmmm Italians....*drooling*
I mean besides, what man doesn't behave this way at one time or another? Really probably quite a bit, especially if hes got anything to offer!
Oh my...I'm becoming a fat...old....MAN!!!
Well at least I still have my hair...
Oh..on another note...I moved the BIG BAR back down again...go ME!
Friday, March 30, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Shocked
I was delivered a big blow to my psyche last weekend. Well actually there were 2.
The first one was a week ago when a friend and I met for lunch at Thinking Man. I had my usual salad and you know the bread they give you on the side? Well Id mentioned at the beginning of the meal that I should probably not eat that blah blah, and actually didn't until the end while we were sort of waiting for the check I started to take a bite. Then loudly...I mean LOUD...she said YOU CANT EAT THAT!! and snatched it out of my hand. I was mortified and humiliated. SOOO embarrassed I got in my car and cried. It brought back all those feelings I have been trying to conker for YEARS about eating in public and and people looking at me eating, and WHAT I'm eating.
So then this Friday all the girls were over hanging out and they ordered pizza. Now I had not eaten all day and was drinking of course, and I was going to pick at one piece. I had pulled off a piece and taken one bite when in front of everyone the same girl screamed at me that I cant eat that because I'm on a diet. I spit it out and left the room. The one place I felt safe, in front of my friends..in MY OWN HOUSE..I was made to feel shame about eating a piece of pizza.
The next day I thought about it all day. The humiliation. The sheer feeling of never being able to eat in front of her...or maybe even anyone else, again. Definately not in public again. No way.
I feel like I've just been blown back 10 years.
It sucks.
I'm not saying what she was trying to do was wrong, I know she had good intentions and would never ever knowingly hurt my feelings. She just obviously was unaware of how sensitive I am about that subject. In any case, the damage is done now.
The first one was a week ago when a friend and I met for lunch at Thinking Man. I had my usual salad and you know the bread they give you on the side? Well Id mentioned at the beginning of the meal that I should probably not eat that blah blah, and actually didn't until the end while we were sort of waiting for the check I started to take a bite. Then loudly...I mean LOUD...she said YOU CANT EAT THAT!! and snatched it out of my hand. I was mortified and humiliated. SOOO embarrassed I got in my car and cried. It brought back all those feelings I have been trying to conker for YEARS about eating in public and and people looking at me eating, and WHAT I'm eating.
So then this Friday all the girls were over hanging out and they ordered pizza. Now I had not eaten all day and was drinking of course, and I was going to pick at one piece. I had pulled off a piece and taken one bite when in front of everyone the same girl screamed at me that I cant eat that because I'm on a diet. I spit it out and left the room. The one place I felt safe, in front of my friends..in MY OWN HOUSE..I was made to feel shame about eating a piece of pizza.
The next day I thought about it all day. The humiliation. The sheer feeling of never being able to eat in front of her...or maybe even anyone else, again. Definately not in public again. No way.
I feel like I've just been blown back 10 years.
It sucks.
I'm not saying what she was trying to do was wrong, I know she had good intentions and would never ever knowingly hurt my feelings. She just obviously was unaware of how sensitive I am about that subject. In any case, the damage is done now.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Down but not out
OK ...I had to move the big bar back up...damn it...
I gained 1 pound and that's all it took...DAMN IT!!!!
I guess I could look at this a s a defeat, but I choose instead to make it a challenge. i WILL move that bar down again next Thursday..and this time it will be far enough away from the danger zone to not have to worry about it again.
Why is this so hard?
I admittedly have not been able to get my ass out of bed in the morning since the stupid time change. I hate this tile of year. It takes me weeks to adjust to getting up an hour earlier.
*pout*
I guess that's all I have to say today....DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!
I gained 1 pound and that's all it took...DAMN IT!!!!
I guess I could look at this a s a defeat, but I choose instead to make it a challenge. i WILL move that bar down again next Thursday..and this time it will be far enough away from the danger zone to not have to worry about it again.
Why is this so hard?
I admittedly have not been able to get my ass out of bed in the morning since the stupid time change. I hate this tile of year. It takes me weeks to adjust to getting up an hour earlier.
*pout*
I guess that's all I have to say today....DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!
Monday, March 19, 2007
Weebles Wobble but they dont fall down!!
Does anyone remember the Weeble? Do they still make those things? I used to love those. Little "egg" people.
Cute in their seeming chubbiness and indestructible! Knock em over, kick em, and like the sign says..they dont fall down!
I'm searching for my inner Weeble!!
I know shes in there..shiny in her plastic skin, grinning the eternal chubby grin and possibly having a slightly sinister look on her face that can only mean...go ahead...fuck with me...I WONT FALL DOWN!!
I think she was with me in my weekend efforts to maintain the 3 lb loss that helped that bitch of a big bar to move down a notch last Thursday.
I didn't eat much of anything bad...well unless you count my turkey sausage gorge last night....ooops...but hey, I also had a great big salad with my 3 pieces of LOW FAT turkey sausage and had not eaten since early in the morning.
* Chubby Weeble face Grin*
I did, however, drink about 18 beers all afternoon Sunday....
* Drunk Weeble face Grin*
Someone a long time ago told me that if I quit drinking altogether Id lose a ton of weight. I feel sure they are right, but I always argue that years ago when I worked out all the time and ate ..well nothing much...I drank like a fish and STILL lost weight.
I'm a drinker, weather its a good or bad thing remains to be seen, but I AM making an effort to keep it in some what of a check.
OK, for anyone who drinks 3 beers in 5 hours and has had enough I understand that seeing me announce that I drank 18 beers in an afternoon is probably a big red flag, but for me its just normal.
The habit Ive been more concerned with, and that I'm FINALLY starting to break is the drinking during the week excessively. This truly bad habit not only adds unwanted calories ( because I usually eat poorly when I'm drinking) but also hinders my efforts to exercise, so I'm trying very hard to cut that out altogether. Last week I was sick with a chest cold all week, and although on Wednesday I did indulge in a couple of frosty cold martinis on my deck at home I didn't do anything the rest of the week. This could be in part because I did feel pretty bad all week, but whatever the reason I felt pretty good by Friday. Like I had actually accomplished something almost without even thinking about it.
Sometimes when I over think things I worry about them so much that I make it almost impossible to follow through with. I was sick last week therefore didnt feel like going out or eating much so without trying or thinking about it at all, I didn't drink, ate well, and I lost 3 lbs.
Weebles Wobble..they don't fall down....so I wobbled a little this weekend, but I didn't fall and I'm back up again doing the right things and looking forward to jumping on the evil scale Thursday.
Ive been reading about people saying they make exercise and eating a plan to live by so they can lose weight.
I just want it to be the way I live, period. I have to find a way to stop thinking of it as a diet, and make it just simply how I live.
I'm a creature of routine.
I live in my Weeble house with my tiny Weeble dog and have my Weeble friends that go to the local Weeble pub, and on weekends we might mix it up at each others Weeble houses. We wobble together, bounce off each other with a fixed smile and sit right back up.
My Weeble world has been wobbling for quite some time now...( I'm not just referring to the jiggle in my butt ) and I'm ready for a little stability.
I sent out an email to one of my best buddies this morning telling him just that, and asking to please help me in this endeavor by coming along on the journey with me. Try new things, live life in a new way, and whoever keeps flicking us down with bad ideas and behavior we just Weeble Wobble right on by em!
Its much easier to walk away from situations if you have someone along for the ride.
If I have to wobble on my myself I will though. Ive done it before, and I wont fall down.
Cute in their seeming chubbiness and indestructible! Knock em over, kick em, and like the sign says..they dont fall down!
I'm searching for my inner Weeble!!
I know shes in there..shiny in her plastic skin, grinning the eternal chubby grin and possibly having a slightly sinister look on her face that can only mean...go ahead...fuck with me...I WONT FALL DOWN!!
I think she was with me in my weekend efforts to maintain the 3 lb loss that helped that bitch of a big bar to move down a notch last Thursday.
I didn't eat much of anything bad...well unless you count my turkey sausage gorge last night....ooops...but hey, I also had a great big salad with my 3 pieces of LOW FAT turkey sausage and had not eaten since early in the morning.
* Chubby Weeble face Grin*
I did, however, drink about 18 beers all afternoon Sunday....
* Drunk Weeble face Grin*
Someone a long time ago told me that if I quit drinking altogether Id lose a ton of weight. I feel sure they are right, but I always argue that years ago when I worked out all the time and ate ..well nothing much...I drank like a fish and STILL lost weight.
I'm a drinker, weather its a good or bad thing remains to be seen, but I AM making an effort to keep it in some what of a check.
OK, for anyone who drinks 3 beers in 5 hours and has had enough I understand that seeing me announce that I drank 18 beers in an afternoon is probably a big red flag, but for me its just normal.
The habit Ive been more concerned with, and that I'm FINALLY starting to break is the drinking during the week excessively. This truly bad habit not only adds unwanted calories ( because I usually eat poorly when I'm drinking) but also hinders my efforts to exercise, so I'm trying very hard to cut that out altogether. Last week I was sick with a chest cold all week, and although on Wednesday I did indulge in a couple of frosty cold martinis on my deck at home I didn't do anything the rest of the week. This could be in part because I did feel pretty bad all week, but whatever the reason I felt pretty good by Friday. Like I had actually accomplished something almost without even thinking about it.
Sometimes when I over think things I worry about them so much that I make it almost impossible to follow through with. I was sick last week therefore didnt feel like going out or eating much so without trying or thinking about it at all, I didn't drink, ate well, and I lost 3 lbs.
Weebles Wobble..they don't fall down....so I wobbled a little this weekend, but I didn't fall and I'm back up again doing the right things and looking forward to jumping on the evil scale Thursday.
Ive been reading about people saying they make exercise and eating a plan to live by so they can lose weight.
I just want it to be the way I live, period. I have to find a way to stop thinking of it as a diet, and make it just simply how I live.
I'm a creature of routine.
I live in my Weeble house with my tiny Weeble dog and have my Weeble friends that go to the local Weeble pub, and on weekends we might mix it up at each others Weeble houses. We wobble together, bounce off each other with a fixed smile and sit right back up.
My Weeble world has been wobbling for quite some time now...( I'm not just referring to the jiggle in my butt ) and I'm ready for a little stability.
I sent out an email to one of my best buddies this morning telling him just that, and asking to please help me in this endeavor by coming along on the journey with me. Try new things, live life in a new way, and whoever keeps flicking us down with bad ideas and behavior we just Weeble Wobble right on by em!
Its much easier to walk away from situations if you have someone along for the ride.
If I have to wobble on my myself I will though. Ive done it before, and I wont fall down.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Suprise Suprise!
Weigh in day.
I honestly wasn't sure what to expect this morning when I got on that scale. What I got was a BIG surprise. I got to move the BIG BAR down a notch for the first time in almost 3 years!!
Now I'm freaking out though because its right on the cusp of having to be moved back up. One little pound and up it will go again. I CANT face that so I'm going to try extra hard this week and weekend especially, to be very good and exercise. Ive had a cold all week so I haven't done much of anything. I haven't even been counting my points. I was really sure Id gained. I lost!! I WON!!!
I tell ya, seeing that big ass piece of led go down a notch is really inspiring. It makes me realize I CAN.
Its taking much longer this time around to lose anything at all , but this milestone for me is huge.
I remember what it was like again to feel good about what I'm doing. Feel good about ME!
Today I LOVE MYSELF!!!
I honestly wasn't sure what to expect this morning when I got on that scale. What I got was a BIG surprise. I got to move the BIG BAR down a notch for the first time in almost 3 years!!
Now I'm freaking out though because its right on the cusp of having to be moved back up. One little pound and up it will go again. I CANT face that so I'm going to try extra hard this week and weekend especially, to be very good and exercise. Ive had a cold all week so I haven't done much of anything. I haven't even been counting my points. I was really sure Id gained. I lost!! I WON!!!
I tell ya, seeing that big ass piece of led go down a notch is really inspiring. It makes me realize I CAN.
Its taking much longer this time around to lose anything at all , but this milestone for me is huge.
I remember what it was like again to feel good about what I'm doing. Feel good about ME!
Today I LOVE MYSELF!!!
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Change of scene
Lately Ive been reflecting on a change of scenery.
Few people in my life that I still know have ever gone away and changed their lives. I guess some have just gone and I never head from them again, but most stay here and live their lives out. The ones I do still talk to that have flown the coop are happy and well adjusted.
I want to change. I want to leave. I don't know how to. Its partly a fear of change in general, but mostly is the fact that it feels impossible. Much like losing the chubb most of the time. Life and body are one in the same when it comes to change. That familiar comfortable place that makes you feel safe, but at the same time makes you claw at the walls to get out.
Maybe I'm waiting for someone to just come along and save me.
MY HERO!!
( Not the kind that comes with bacon & Cheese..although that sounds great right now..and add some extra mayo while your at it!!)
*Pfft!*
Where HAVE all the Cowboys gone? I don't remember ever seeing any to tell you the truth...and trust me Ive been lookin'!
Am I a romantic stuck in a modern cynical world? Or am I just lazy and want to be handed that golden ticket ( But I WAANT One Daaddy!!! Verruca Salt sez..)
instead of working for it.
I'm going home now. I have a chest cold and I'm sleepy. Maybe prince ( shit in Decatur its more likely to be princess!) charming will find me at home under the covers...
weigh in day tomorrow..I have no idea what it will bring.
Few people in my life that I still know have ever gone away and changed their lives. I guess some have just gone and I never head from them again, but most stay here and live their lives out. The ones I do still talk to that have flown the coop are happy and well adjusted.
I want to change. I want to leave. I don't know how to. Its partly a fear of change in general, but mostly is the fact that it feels impossible. Much like losing the chubb most of the time. Life and body are one in the same when it comes to change. That familiar comfortable place that makes you feel safe, but at the same time makes you claw at the walls to get out.
Maybe I'm waiting for someone to just come along and save me.
MY HERO!!
( Not the kind that comes with bacon & Cheese..although that sounds great right now..and add some extra mayo while your at it!!)
*Pfft!*
Where HAVE all the Cowboys gone? I don't remember ever seeing any to tell you the truth...and trust me Ive been lookin'!
Am I a romantic stuck in a modern cynical world? Or am I just lazy and want to be handed that golden ticket ( But I WAANT One Daaddy!!! Verruca Salt sez..)
instead of working for it.
I'm going home now. I have a chest cold and I'm sleepy. Maybe prince ( shit in Decatur its more likely to be princess!) charming will find me at home under the covers...
weigh in day tomorrow..I have no idea what it will bring.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Shrinking!
Well despite my lack of restraint and exercise last week i managed to not only NOT gain weight but actually lose 1 pound ! That's not much i know, but the significance of this particular LB is that its the one pound over the maximum amount of weight that I have lost since joining the Weight Watcher Cult last fall. Will that magical pound be back on Thursday when i weigh in again? Will it have flown the coop forever and maybe taken a couple of friends with it? Only the Shadow Knows!!
Stay tuned !
Stay tuned !
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Weekend blues
I had such a good weekend, then it turned bad. Well not bad but disappointing.
I was happy with myself because on my weigh in Thursday I had lost a few pounds, and Friday I really behaved myself. Sunday when I weighed again I had lost another 3 lbs and was very excited!! Then I ate waffle house hash browns until I was so full I was ill.
I haven't done my morning work out in 2 weeks, and my afternoon work out have stopped altogether again.
I don't understand where my umph goes.
Ive been super tired every day. Even so much so that Ive been going to bed before the sun goes down and over sleeping in the morning. Last week I know there were at least 3 days that I slept 12 hours.
I'm not sick, I'm just tired all the time.
This is all of the sudden too. I don't know what is wrong with me but its making me feel worse about myself.
Stella may have gotten her groove back but Sockmonkee is still anti groovin.
Speaking of Stella Got her Groove Back...she got that groove from a young handsome guy that made her feel great.
I met one of those Saturday night. Oh man, I really thought to myself FINALLY! Ive met a guy that I'm attracted to and hes is to me as well.
Then his girlfriends showed up....
He still asked me to come out the next evening and see him at work. ( He works in a BAR and is going to school at GA State)
Anyway, I was convinced that even though hes dating this girl, they obviously aren't serious and he and I had made the connection. You know, the kind of feeling where people wont step between the 2 of you for fear they will get struck by the lightning that's going off between you.
Besides, in front of her he was insisting I come back up the next day. So I did, and she was there again...( really bad timing) but left shortly after I got there. Apparently however, on her way out she read him the riot act and when he finally was able to talk to me later on he explained that yes they were serious, and he was sorry if he led me to believe anything was going to happen between us.
*DISAPPOINTED!!!*
So much so I couldn't sleep when I came home, then wanted to do nothing but the next day.
I'm so tired of this situation happening to me!!
I refuse to continue to date people I'm not interested in or attracted to just to date someone, but its really hard to meet a guy who is good looking..( were talking HOT here folks) and smart and likes me the way I am! He even made a comment to me that he prefers bigger women...I almost fell out of my chair because he is not heavy at all. Try 6'3" and build like a brick house!
Yum.
Oh well. Strike out again.
I need to move.
I want to move away from this town so badly I cant even see straight but I have no idea how to go about it. I don't make enough money to save anything, I'm not a college grad ( photography school doesn't count) and I'm 36..and fat. None of which helps getting a job.
Besides I really want to move to a small town somewhere. I mean middle Georgia, Alabama, North Georgia mountains. Jobs in small towns are even harder to come by I thinking. Particularly when you need one that will allow you to support yourself alone with no help.
Hell the only thing that's nice about this town is the amount of places you can go to buy shoes.
I can travel for that.
What do I do? How do I get out? maybe I'm so scared of doing something like that I'm not really trying. They say if you really want something you will make it happen.
I really have always wanted to be thin but I haven't been able to make that happen yet. Does that mean I don't really want to be thin? I don't think so.
I read an article off another bloggers page last week about a woman saying after her bypass surgery how happy she is and how miserable she was being fat and how no one can possibly be happy being overweight.
I have to say I do blame quite a bit of of crap on my weight, and I think I make excuses for myself because of it too.
I think I'm basically happy though. I mean I bitch about being alone, or not being able to control this or that in my life but day to day I am basically happy. Maybe not jumping for joy all the time, but I certainly could be worse off. I'm aware of that of course.
I'm also aware that change will only come to me when I make it happen.
Ive never been very good at things like that.
I guess at my age my habits and personality are pretty well set.
My best friend Andy was there with me Saturday when I met The Boy and he was all happy for me too, and said something that I felt strange about but agreed with when I gave it some thought.
Every time Ive really gotten my shit together in my life its been when Ive been focused on someone else. Like the beautiful boy I loved years ago when I lost all the weight. I was so focused on him that I made it happen.
I hate to think that it takes begin involved or in love with a guy to make me change my life,but my track record really shows that when I'm really into a guy, and hes into me too, ( at least enough that Im seeing him all the time) I make serious positive changes, and when I'm left alone I revert back to old bad habits.
Comfort I guess.
How do you change?
Do I have no identity as myself alone? Respect for ME enough to make myself better weather a guy is involved or not?
Ironically, ( and Ive always known this of course) if I could just do that on my own, the men would follow.
What the hell is wrong with ME!!
I was happy with myself because on my weigh in Thursday I had lost a few pounds, and Friday I really behaved myself. Sunday when I weighed again I had lost another 3 lbs and was very excited!! Then I ate waffle house hash browns until I was so full I was ill.
I haven't done my morning work out in 2 weeks, and my afternoon work out have stopped altogether again.
I don't understand where my umph goes.
Ive been super tired every day. Even so much so that Ive been going to bed before the sun goes down and over sleeping in the morning. Last week I know there were at least 3 days that I slept 12 hours.
I'm not sick, I'm just tired all the time.
This is all of the sudden too. I don't know what is wrong with me but its making me feel worse about myself.
Stella may have gotten her groove back but Sockmonkee is still anti groovin.
Speaking of Stella Got her Groove Back...she got that groove from a young handsome guy that made her feel great.
I met one of those Saturday night. Oh man, I really thought to myself FINALLY! Ive met a guy that I'm attracted to and hes is to me as well.
Then his girlfriends showed up....
He still asked me to come out the next evening and see him at work. ( He works in a BAR and is going to school at GA State)
Anyway, I was convinced that even though hes dating this girl, they obviously aren't serious and he and I had made the connection. You know, the kind of feeling where people wont step between the 2 of you for fear they will get struck by the lightning that's going off between you.
Besides, in front of her he was insisting I come back up the next day. So I did, and she was there again...( really bad timing) but left shortly after I got there. Apparently however, on her way out she read him the riot act and when he finally was able to talk to me later on he explained that yes they were serious, and he was sorry if he led me to believe anything was going to happen between us.
*DISAPPOINTED!!!*
So much so I couldn't sleep when I came home, then wanted to do nothing but the next day.
I'm so tired of this situation happening to me!!
I refuse to continue to date people I'm not interested in or attracted to just to date someone, but its really hard to meet a guy who is good looking..( were talking HOT here folks) and smart and likes me the way I am! He even made a comment to me that he prefers bigger women...I almost fell out of my chair because he is not heavy at all. Try 6'3" and build like a brick house!
Yum.
Oh well. Strike out again.
I need to move.
I want to move away from this town so badly I cant even see straight but I have no idea how to go about it. I don't make enough money to save anything, I'm not a college grad ( photography school doesn't count) and I'm 36..and fat. None of which helps getting a job.
Besides I really want to move to a small town somewhere. I mean middle Georgia, Alabama, North Georgia mountains. Jobs in small towns are even harder to come by I thinking. Particularly when you need one that will allow you to support yourself alone with no help.
Hell the only thing that's nice about this town is the amount of places you can go to buy shoes.
I can travel for that.
What do I do? How do I get out? maybe I'm so scared of doing something like that I'm not really trying. They say if you really want something you will make it happen.
I really have always wanted to be thin but I haven't been able to make that happen yet. Does that mean I don't really want to be thin? I don't think so.
I read an article off another bloggers page last week about a woman saying after her bypass surgery how happy she is and how miserable she was being fat and how no one can possibly be happy being overweight.
I have to say I do blame quite a bit of of crap on my weight, and I think I make excuses for myself because of it too.
I think I'm basically happy though. I mean I bitch about being alone, or not being able to control this or that in my life but day to day I am basically happy. Maybe not jumping for joy all the time, but I certainly could be worse off. I'm aware of that of course.
I'm also aware that change will only come to me when I make it happen.
Ive never been very good at things like that.
I guess at my age my habits and personality are pretty well set.
My best friend Andy was there with me Saturday when I met The Boy and he was all happy for me too, and said something that I felt strange about but agreed with when I gave it some thought.
Every time Ive really gotten my shit together in my life its been when Ive been focused on someone else. Like the beautiful boy I loved years ago when I lost all the weight. I was so focused on him that I made it happen.
I hate to think that it takes begin involved or in love with a guy to make me change my life,but my track record really shows that when I'm really into a guy, and hes into me too, ( at least enough that Im seeing him all the time) I make serious positive changes, and when I'm left alone I revert back to old bad habits.
Comfort I guess.
How do you change?
Do I have no identity as myself alone? Respect for ME enough to make myself better weather a guy is involved or not?
Ironically, ( and Ive always known this of course) if I could just do that on my own, the men would follow.
What the hell is wrong with ME!!
Thursday, March 1, 2007
The Betty Crocker Clinic
Well I think Ive come to the conclusion that I am an addict, or at least I cant stand denying myself things.
I went home last night and had one...ONE glass of red wine. It was so lovely outside, and I just wanted to read on my deck while sipping a glass of wine. So I did. Just one mind you, but that promise I made to myself just days ago is already out the window. What does that tell me?
Do I have a mental addiction to alcohol and food?
The irony is I'm not upset about this. I think Ive known this all along its just when you tell someone your addicted to food or alcohol they make assumptions about you.
I'm not a slobbering drunk, I just like to drink. As with food, I enjoy eating. It comforts me more than fills me up.
I wish I spent more time enjoying my life and less time worrying about the things that are wrong in it.
New goal:
Live, try and be as healthy as I can by having better choices with food and drinks.
Stop worrying what other people think.
Exercise more.
Is this a cop out?
I don't know who I'm writing this for since no one reads this purge but Anne, and that's even on a rare occasion. Shes too busy trotting around South America!! Good for you Anne!!
So do I get a pass for discovering something about myself? Or do I check into Rehab along with Britney Spears?
The funny thing is, just as I said yesterday, the minute I mentally deny myself something the more I instantly want it.
Like right now, I have no intention of going home and eating anything bad or drinking anything at all. Is that because I haven't restricted myself from doing so?
I can have it, so I don't want it. ( Ironically I'm this way with men too!)
Tomorrow is Friday, a typical night where I would be drinking but I already know I'm not going to be because I'm helping a friend cook for a baby shower the next day and I have to drive a long way at night to get home.
I had not even thought about it.
What does it mean if you have no withdrawal, no shakes, no sickness, no panic attacks, nothing that a card carrying "alkie" would have, yet you cant seem to stay away from it entirely for a long ( longer than 5 or so days) time?
I guess it means I have low willpower because again, I seem to have the same problem with food, and men...I ALWAYS want the ones I'm not supposed to have and get in BIG trouble for it!! If I can have it I don't want it.
Are we seeing a pattern here???
In any case I haven't noticed anyone checking into the Betty Crocker / You Choose Bad Boys Clinic.
they should have one of those....
So any opinions? Am I an addict? Or Do I just have a lack of self control coupled with a rebellious nature that bucks the rules when I'm denied something..
in the words of a famous "bunny boiler"...I WONT BE IGNORED DAN....!
I went home last night and had one...ONE glass of red wine. It was so lovely outside, and I just wanted to read on my deck while sipping a glass of wine. So I did. Just one mind you, but that promise I made to myself just days ago is already out the window. What does that tell me?
Do I have a mental addiction to alcohol and food?
The irony is I'm not upset about this. I think Ive known this all along its just when you tell someone your addicted to food or alcohol they make assumptions about you.
I'm not a slobbering drunk, I just like to drink. As with food, I enjoy eating. It comforts me more than fills me up.
I wish I spent more time enjoying my life and less time worrying about the things that are wrong in it.
New goal:
Live, try and be as healthy as I can by having better choices with food and drinks.
Stop worrying what other people think.
Exercise more.
Is this a cop out?
I don't know who I'm writing this for since no one reads this purge but Anne, and that's even on a rare occasion. Shes too busy trotting around South America!! Good for you Anne!!
So do I get a pass for discovering something about myself? Or do I check into Rehab along with Britney Spears?
The funny thing is, just as I said yesterday, the minute I mentally deny myself something the more I instantly want it.
Like right now, I have no intention of going home and eating anything bad or drinking anything at all. Is that because I haven't restricted myself from doing so?
I can have it, so I don't want it. ( Ironically I'm this way with men too!)
Tomorrow is Friday, a typical night where I would be drinking but I already know I'm not going to be because I'm helping a friend cook for a baby shower the next day and I have to drive a long way at night to get home.
I had not even thought about it.
What does it mean if you have no withdrawal, no shakes, no sickness, no panic attacks, nothing that a card carrying "alkie" would have, yet you cant seem to stay away from it entirely for a long ( longer than 5 or so days) time?
I guess it means I have low willpower because again, I seem to have the same problem with food, and men...I ALWAYS want the ones I'm not supposed to have and get in BIG trouble for it!! If I can have it I don't want it.
Are we seeing a pattern here???
In any case I haven't noticed anyone checking into the Betty Crocker / You Choose Bad Boys Clinic.
they should have one of those....
So any opinions? Am I an addict? Or Do I just have a lack of self control coupled with a rebellious nature that bucks the rules when I'm denied something..
in the words of a famous "bunny boiler"...I WONT BE IGNORED DAN....!
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