It feels like this pandemic will never end. Just when you feel like things are starting to get back to some kind of "normal", the numbers are rising again, and people are ignoring the face mask rule.
I guess thats part of the problem. Its not really a "rule" its a suggestion...a recommendation.
People like my mom who I know has been getting out more than she should think they are not necessary, but why risk it? Why risk OTHERS lives just because you don't want to wear a mask?
It sucks..its hot, you cant breathe, and mine is making my face break out, but its the only thing I can do when out in public to help.
If you HAVE to go out, which you do now since the re-opening whether you want to or not, just wear a damn mask people!
I have had a few stray shoots. Struggling along like this is not good for my wallet, or my mind. I have been pretty good the past few weeks about keeping on track, but as previous posts show, its not consistent. Well, sort of. Maybe I am being too hard on myself.
June last year was oddly very similar to this one. I saw Ray on my birthday weekend but have not seen him since. His test finally came back - negative - thank God, but he still thinks hes got it. I set up a second test for tomorrow so I hope he takes it. Hes still sick, or says he still feels bad anyway, so really I shouldn't see him until that stops either way.
This means at least another week since Ill be heading back to moms in a couple of days for the 4th.
God, half a year is gone already. Saturated with COVID19, riots, protests, and general unhappiness. I dont see the next half getting much better. In fact I feel like its probably going to get worse.
Businesses that have been forced to re-open to save the states bottom line are going to end up having to close again, and when they do, it seems unlikely that they will all return.
So many are lucky to have work at home jobs, but even those companies are cutting the fat. My sister had to lay off a slew of folks...all in their 50s...for "the good of the company", which Im sure is true. It does make me wonder, however, if they laid of one CEO or just reduced the huge fat salaries of the super high ups, if they could do some training (supposedly these folks are not up on the new tech), and save some of these jobs. Jobs people evidently had had for 30+ years.
These are the folks that wont be getting their jobs back at that level anywhere else. These are the folks that have worked hard, for the same company for years, and had plans. Life plans of retirwment that will never come to pass now.
Its awful.
This year is grim indeed.
Trying to be positive.
Trying...
Monday, June 29, 2020
Tuesday, June 23, 2020
The Struggle Continues
Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting myself for my own life.
Day by day I do things to help myself, then hurt myself through eating badly but exercising, or not.
I'm "good" one day...even several days in a row...then I blow it out off the water over the weekend, and often on Mondays, as my work has still not picked up again, so my weekends seem to bleed over.
Like right now. its 8:25 AM and I'm supposed to be training in 35 minutes, so typically Id be heading to the elliptical right now, but I'm barely awake. I stayed up until midnight, had a party by myself, and now I'm tired and in no shape to jump on the exercise train.
Oh Ill push through it, and that will probably be the best thing about today.
I don't understand why I sabotage myself constantly.
It runs in cycles. I get sick of my behavior, or get on the scale and freak out, then I throw away all (mostly) the bad food in the house, and have a few good days, then I go to the store, (or in todays world order through Instacart), and buy it all over again.
Instacart.... Now theres a business that I'm glad was NOT in business back in the days of my REALLY bad days. If I could have not left the house and had anything I wanted from the grocery store delivered to me? No shame...no eyes of judgement peering into your cart (is she REALLY going to buy THAT??) ...Lord...I would probably never have lost weight.
I still don't buy a ton of garbage, even when I'm not the one shopping for it. I still steer away from buying sweets and even a lot of bread. I rarely make rice, and its only when I have Ray or "company" over. I don't eat beans, or potatoes regularly, and I haven't touched fast food in so many years I cant really remember when I had it. Seems like there was a Wendys moment a few years back that made me really ill...but maybe longer than that. OH! In 2018 on the ride to the beach Anne and Vic had gotten Chick-fil-a nuggets and I ate one! So thats it. Wait...also last year I had a salad, twice, from Zaxbys with grilled chicken on it . Ray LOVES Zalads and I had a night shoot so we got that for dinner. AT least it was a salad and I could see the calories before buying it. I dont really count that as fast food.
No, my issues are in the snack isle. Baked chips...yes BAKED...so not as "bad" but not good. Lets face it, nothing is good that you eat a whole bag of. Or my popcorn. Air popped but sprayed with butter flavor Pam (probably spraying cancer on my popcorn!), sprinkled with the salty -lord knows what its made of- "butter" and white cheddar popcorn seasoning, and drizzled with black truffle olive oil.
Man I could just eat that for hours. And sometimes I do.
So yeah, self sabotage is a huge issue. My 1% step back that I seem to take every week.
Gotta pause, Training time.....
Its now 1:15 PM. I had my training session but was too out of it to get on my elliptical in time to do any good before hand.
I've been in training now for 3 months to the tune of $1,200. Whats killing me is that I NEED it, but I cant afford it.
Even if my work was going well that would be a stretch. Yes I can go into debt but I am trying very hard not to. I don't have the money to dig myself out of it and the last thing I want is to end up where I was in 2016.
Has it done any good? Yes. I can tell some in my physical ability to do things, but my weight loss is very small, and I gained some back over the birthday weekend so I'm fighting that back off again. The main thing its doing is forcing regular exercise upon me, which I desperately need. The daily motivation I had at the gym in February comes and goes, so having an appointment like that is a huge help. Its just frustrating because again, I feel like for all the efforts I make I'm just screwing it up.
Attitude is key, but its very hard to have a positive outlook when everything is just so messed up. Each day looking for good things is getting harder and harder.
I know I'm very fortunate, and that there are plenty of people in far worse circumstances than I am, but as I have always said, my issues are MY ISSUES, and just because they arent being chased by a tiger or being homeless doesn't make them irrelevant.
I do need to continue the fight for positive thinking though. My Dark Side is so easily awakened.
Its dark here today. Gloomy in fact. The shoot I had cancelled so Im sitting here doing this when I should be learning how to do video walk through shooting. Ugh...I AM NOT A VIDEO-OGRAPHER!!! For the second time I've invested money I don't have into equipment I still cant seem to be able to use. It is better than the first attempt but its still in the "development phase", so its not doing me any good.
This is a work day though, so I guess the one positive thing I can do for myself today is suck it up and try to learn more about it. The sooner I do the sooner I can actually use it. Ray has even generously offered to do the editing on them, so I just need to learn to shoot them. Its not as easy as one might think.
Never stop learning though, right?
OK. Ill stop now. Im just going to be crabby today I guess.
Oh, did I mention I had a COVID19 test last Friday? Yep. It was negative thankfully, but Ray has been sick for a week and even though it doesn't sound bad over the phone, he says he feels really bad, so we both got tested Friday. His results have yet to come back.
My moms birthday dinner at the country club is Saturday and I was really hoping this year Id be with Ray for it. Looks like that is not going to happen.There is a small suspicious part of me that creeps in saying hes just faking this so he can get out of going, but I know thats not true.
That evil little voice is the same one that tells me its OK to eat Pizza and not exercise, so yeah, pretty sure it is not to be trusted.
Well, Im off to "learn". Tomorrow is another day.
Day by day I do things to help myself, then hurt myself through eating badly but exercising, or not.
I'm "good" one day...even several days in a row...then I blow it out off the water over the weekend, and often on Mondays, as my work has still not picked up again, so my weekends seem to bleed over.
Like right now. its 8:25 AM and I'm supposed to be training in 35 minutes, so typically Id be heading to the elliptical right now, but I'm barely awake. I stayed up until midnight, had a party by myself, and now I'm tired and in no shape to jump on the exercise train.
Oh Ill push through it, and that will probably be the best thing about today.
I don't understand why I sabotage myself constantly.
It runs in cycles. I get sick of my behavior, or get on the scale and freak out, then I throw away all (mostly) the bad food in the house, and have a few good days, then I go to the store, (or in todays world order through Instacart), and buy it all over again.
Instacart.... Now theres a business that I'm glad was NOT in business back in the days of my REALLY bad days. If I could have not left the house and had anything I wanted from the grocery store delivered to me? No shame...no eyes of judgement peering into your cart (is she REALLY going to buy THAT??) ...Lord...I would probably never have lost weight.
I still don't buy a ton of garbage, even when I'm not the one shopping for it. I still steer away from buying sweets and even a lot of bread. I rarely make rice, and its only when I have Ray or "company" over. I don't eat beans, or potatoes regularly, and I haven't touched fast food in so many years I cant really remember when I had it. Seems like there was a Wendys moment a few years back that made me really ill...but maybe longer than that. OH! In 2018 on the ride to the beach Anne and Vic had gotten Chick-fil-a nuggets and I ate one! So thats it. Wait...also last year I had a salad, twice, from Zaxbys with grilled chicken on it . Ray LOVES Zalads and I had a night shoot so we got that for dinner. AT least it was a salad and I could see the calories before buying it. I dont really count that as fast food.
No, my issues are in the snack isle. Baked chips...yes BAKED...so not as "bad" but not good. Lets face it, nothing is good that you eat a whole bag of. Or my popcorn. Air popped but sprayed with butter flavor Pam (probably spraying cancer on my popcorn!), sprinkled with the salty -lord knows what its made of- "butter" and white cheddar popcorn seasoning, and drizzled with black truffle olive oil.
Man I could just eat that for hours. And sometimes I do.
So yeah, self sabotage is a huge issue. My 1% step back that I seem to take every week.
Gotta pause, Training time.....
Its now 1:15 PM. I had my training session but was too out of it to get on my elliptical in time to do any good before hand.
I've been in training now for 3 months to the tune of $1,200. Whats killing me is that I NEED it, but I cant afford it.
Even if my work was going well that would be a stretch. Yes I can go into debt but I am trying very hard not to. I don't have the money to dig myself out of it and the last thing I want is to end up where I was in 2016.
Has it done any good? Yes. I can tell some in my physical ability to do things, but my weight loss is very small, and I gained some back over the birthday weekend so I'm fighting that back off again. The main thing its doing is forcing regular exercise upon me, which I desperately need. The daily motivation I had at the gym in February comes and goes, so having an appointment like that is a huge help. Its just frustrating because again, I feel like for all the efforts I make I'm just screwing it up.
Attitude is key, but its very hard to have a positive outlook when everything is just so messed up. Each day looking for good things is getting harder and harder.
I know I'm very fortunate, and that there are plenty of people in far worse circumstances than I am, but as I have always said, my issues are MY ISSUES, and just because they arent being chased by a tiger or being homeless doesn't make them irrelevant.
I do need to continue the fight for positive thinking though. My Dark Side is so easily awakened.
Its dark here today. Gloomy in fact. The shoot I had cancelled so Im sitting here doing this when I should be learning how to do video walk through shooting. Ugh...I AM NOT A VIDEO-OGRAPHER!!! For the second time I've invested money I don't have into equipment I still cant seem to be able to use. It is better than the first attempt but its still in the "development phase", so its not doing me any good.
This is a work day though, so I guess the one positive thing I can do for myself today is suck it up and try to learn more about it. The sooner I do the sooner I can actually use it. Ray has even generously offered to do the editing on them, so I just need to learn to shoot them. Its not as easy as one might think.
Never stop learning though, right?
OK. Ill stop now. Im just going to be crabby today I guess.
Oh, did I mention I had a COVID19 test last Friday? Yep. It was negative thankfully, but Ray has been sick for a week and even though it doesn't sound bad over the phone, he says he feels really bad, so we both got tested Friday. His results have yet to come back.
My moms birthday dinner at the country club is Saturday and I was really hoping this year Id be with Ray for it. Looks like that is not going to happen.There is a small suspicious part of me that creeps in saying hes just faking this so he can get out of going, but I know thats not true.
That evil little voice is the same one that tells me its OK to eat Pizza and not exercise, so yeah, pretty sure it is not to be trusted.
Well, Im off to "learn". Tomorrow is another day.
Saturday, June 13, 2020
First Day in my new Box
Years ago I as watching a show called Sex in the City, and one of the characters turned 50 during the run of the season. They addressed all kinds of female issues throughout the run of the show, but I remember the “Samantha “ episode because she was literally the hottest looking woman on the show, but also the oldest. So when they not only addressed Menopause, but breast cancer with her character I found it interesting, and wondered what I’d be doing when I turned 50.
Seattle Washington has an area of people that have set up their own state? Is this the beginning of the literal end? America has not seen civil war in a very very long time. We’ve been rather privileged in that way compared to the rest of the world, but I think our time may have come.
I’m in bed. It’s 2:00 am. Officially in 50 category. I just ...I just have nothing to add . The world is falling apart.
I fear for my loved ones, my friends, and myself. Things are really about to get biblical. Happy birthday to me.
Seattle Washington has an area of people that have set up their own state? Is this the beginning of the literal end? America has not seen civil war in a very very long time. We’ve been rather privileged in that way compared to the rest of the world, but I think our time may have come.
I’m in bed. It’s 2:00 am. Officially in 50 category. I just ...I just have nothing to add . The world is falling apart.
I fear for my loved ones, my friends, and myself. Things are really about to get biblical. Happy birthday to me.
Friday, June 12, 2020
12:01 AM - I’m 50...
Technically I’m not until 5:23am, but yeah...I’m 50.
I’m upstairs in the den at my parents house. Mom just went to bed. We were watching Bugs Bunny cartoons that my love uploaded to his Plex account for me. It’s one of the rare things we can both watch without me having to think through the language or subject matter. Bugs Bunny is a universal offender and defender at the same time. I’ve definitely decided...Bugs Bunny for president!
Ugh...the world.
So I’m 50. Fuck...I’m actually 50.
“How old are you?”...”ummm...50...”
I wish Ray was here. Or I was with him. In his world.
The world keeps getting worse by the day. States are literally considering making the police a non thing...as in no police...
In my neighborhood that would mean total chaos. Murder, robbery, rape, fires, looting. Yup.
I feel like we are literally witnessing the end of days. Who knew I’d be alive for that. No one ever thinks they will be. It’s always, “ you never know”, then you go to work and play and life goes on, but life is not going on anymore.
I know I said I’m going to go for the positive so here goes.
I’m 50. So yeah I said before that I’d never see 50 and here I am. Not only am I actually alive, but I have my own business (albeit struggling right now) , I’m still not as heavy or out of shape as I once was, and yes, it’s still so much more than I was last year but I have noticed a small improving trend in the last month of losing 1 lb a week solid. I lose a chunk then gain some back, but overall I keep one small pound off.
On the positive side, if I keep that up, I’ll lose 52 pounds in a year, which would put me way past my goal.
Positive- I spent the afternoon at the pool. Yes it was only because I had no work, but it was a beautiful day, and the water was perfect, and the sky was so blue it almost looked periwinkle. Plus I get to do it again tomorrow.
Positive- I have a training session tomorrow and even though I thought about canceling, I realized that I need it, and want it, I kind of wish it was with Lieanne and not the new guy, Mike ( lord why did he have to have that name), but he’s good and has new ideas, and maybe I need that change.
Change, after all, is very hard for most people. I admit I am very resistant to change in general, even though I desire change for myself in general. It really makes no sense. You literally can’t have the cake and eat it too if you want to lose weight and be in better shape.
I hope this year i will have better grasp with change, a better way of communicating, and a higher lever of tolerance when things don’t go my way.
I want to listen more and talk less. Or at least more thoughtfully.
I want to let go of some things in my past that I know still hold me back in my life.
I want to trade in a little bad for a little good in my day to day lifestyle.
I want to sell my house, and move up here permanently.
I want Ray to let me in more and hopefully make things permanent, officially, as in, I hope within this year he asks me to marry him.
God even writing that feels weird.
There’s more to say, but it’s 12:43 AM and I’m tired..and old...
I’m 50.
I’m upstairs in the den at my parents house. Mom just went to bed. We were watching Bugs Bunny cartoons that my love uploaded to his Plex account for me. It’s one of the rare things we can both watch without me having to think through the language or subject matter. Bugs Bunny is a universal offender and defender at the same time. I’ve definitely decided...Bugs Bunny for president!
Ugh...the world.
So I’m 50. Fuck...I’m actually 50.
“How old are you?”...”ummm...50...”
I wish Ray was here. Or I was with him. In his world.
The world keeps getting worse by the day. States are literally considering making the police a non thing...as in no police...
In my neighborhood that would mean total chaos. Murder, robbery, rape, fires, looting. Yup.
I feel like we are literally witnessing the end of days. Who knew I’d be alive for that. No one ever thinks they will be. It’s always, “ you never know”, then you go to work and play and life goes on, but life is not going on anymore.
I know I said I’m going to go for the positive so here goes.
I’m 50. So yeah I said before that I’d never see 50 and here I am. Not only am I actually alive, but I have my own business (albeit struggling right now) , I’m still not as heavy or out of shape as I once was, and yes, it’s still so much more than I was last year but I have noticed a small improving trend in the last month of losing 1 lb a week solid. I lose a chunk then gain some back, but overall I keep one small pound off.
On the positive side, if I keep that up, I’ll lose 52 pounds in a year, which would put me way past my goal.
Positive- I spent the afternoon at the pool. Yes it was only because I had no work, but it was a beautiful day, and the water was perfect, and the sky was so blue it almost looked periwinkle. Plus I get to do it again tomorrow.
Positive- I have a training session tomorrow and even though I thought about canceling, I realized that I need it, and want it, I kind of wish it was with Lieanne and not the new guy, Mike ( lord why did he have to have that name), but he’s good and has new ideas, and maybe I need that change.
Change, after all, is very hard for most people. I admit I am very resistant to change in general, even though I desire change for myself in general. It really makes no sense. You literally can’t have the cake and eat it too if you want to lose weight and be in better shape.
I hope this year i will have better grasp with change, a better way of communicating, and a higher lever of tolerance when things don’t go my way.
I want to listen more and talk less. Or at least more thoughtfully.
I want to let go of some things in my past that I know still hold me back in my life.
I want to trade in a little bad for a little good in my day to day lifestyle.
I want to sell my house, and move up here permanently.
I want Ray to let me in more and hopefully make things permanent, officially, as in, I hope within this year he asks me to marry him.
God even writing that feels weird.
There’s more to say, but it’s 12:43 AM and I’m tired..and old...
I’m 50.
Tuesday, June 9, 2020
Rethink what you think
I’ve been thinking a lot about the last few weeks...well, months really, and how my level of patience has been dwindling.
I’ve also been thinking about how I might be being a tad self absorbed right now.
Yes, I’m depressed. I am turning 50 in 3 days and there will be no party, no friends to hang out with, no going to dinner, and no gifts, (although I don’t really care about that part...other than flowers..I really hope I get flowers), but the world is in turmoil and everyone is freaked out.
I get all that, but I think what is really bothering me is that no one has planned anything. Like before this all happened. Could I be in for a surprise? Unlikely. My sister Beth called me on the way home from work today asking me who she should reach out to to possibly come over to my house this Saturday and hang out, outside (safety social distancing....god I’m so sick of that phrase), so no, I don’t think that there’s been much thought about me and my 50th.
The year Andy turned 50 I was trying to be involved with the planning but I was shut out of that, so I went through all my old photos and dug up as many as I could for Andy and friends in the hopes of having them play during the surprise party. Even that was thwarted, but I did get the photos to him.
Same thing with Elise. I tried to be involved but they all planned a trip that I could not afford so I didn’t go. Which she recently brought up. Pissing me off. She gets mad if we don’t come to things we can’t afford...ugh...another story...
The point is I made an effort. Even if they didn’t know it. I did. I always do for people’s birthdays because I think birthdays are very important. It’s a time to reflect and celebrate your life, hopefully with friends and loved ones.
Loved ones. Ray...my love. I’ve been particularly hard on him recently. To be fair, he has not been easy to deal with, but I know I need to be patient. If I really love him, I need to see him and his side of things and let him work things out.
I read my posts from the past few months and I think if he ever saw them it would upset him, but I didn’t delete them because at the time they were written that’s how I was feeling, and this is after all, a record about me. Which is why I’m glad that no one ever reads it.
Side note- I really should back up all this stuff. I’ve been writing in it for a very long time.
Anyway, self absorbed. Yeah, I think I’m making it worse by dwelling on the bad stuff, but I can’t seem to help it. I fucking seriously depressed.
I feel like if just a few small things were going better it would make such a huge difference. I need attention that I’m not getting (different kinds from different people) and I can’t fault people for that.
I do think I’m being shown who really are my friends though. There have never been a lot and there are fewer by the day. That’s ok...quality over quantity, right?
My training has been going ok but my weight is just sitting there and this is not where I want to be. I know no one can change that for me, but the depression is seriously not helping that at all. I’m struggling. I feel like I’m drowning and no one even knows I'm in the water.
I’m headed to my moms tomorrow. My birthday weekend compromise...like so many I feel like I have been making... is that I am going up there for 2 full pool days by myself, and coming home Saturday to be with Ray since he doesn’t like the pool.
Yeah this is part of the depression...knowing that I’ll likely never be able to enjoy those kinds of things with him and not knowing if I can really deal with that for the long haul...but really, if we can work around these things together it seems like it could be ok.
Nothing is perfect. God knows I’m not.
I’m going to bed tonight hoping to wake up tomorrow with a better attitude. Just decide to be happy and grateful for what I have, and enjoy the time at the pool with my mom, then enjoy the weekend at home with my love.
It could be worse. If anyone read this they’d probably think I was a selfish bitch, so instead of reinforcing that behavior I’m going to fight against it.
I don’t think I should not be myself, but there must be compromises and sacrifices.
I feel like I’ve had to sacrifice my biggest birthday ever, so I should be caught up for a bit.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Almost 50...
I’ve also been thinking about how I might be being a tad self absorbed right now.
Yes, I’m depressed. I am turning 50 in 3 days and there will be no party, no friends to hang out with, no going to dinner, and no gifts, (although I don’t really care about that part...other than flowers..I really hope I get flowers), but the world is in turmoil and everyone is freaked out.
I get all that, but I think what is really bothering me is that no one has planned anything. Like before this all happened. Could I be in for a surprise? Unlikely. My sister Beth called me on the way home from work today asking me who she should reach out to to possibly come over to my house this Saturday and hang out, outside (safety social distancing....god I’m so sick of that phrase), so no, I don’t think that there’s been much thought about me and my 50th.
The year Andy turned 50 I was trying to be involved with the planning but I was shut out of that, so I went through all my old photos and dug up as many as I could for Andy and friends in the hopes of having them play during the surprise party. Even that was thwarted, but I did get the photos to him.
Same thing with Elise. I tried to be involved but they all planned a trip that I could not afford so I didn’t go. Which she recently brought up. Pissing me off. She gets mad if we don’t come to things we can’t afford...ugh...another story...
The point is I made an effort. Even if they didn’t know it. I did. I always do for people’s birthdays because I think birthdays are very important. It’s a time to reflect and celebrate your life, hopefully with friends and loved ones.
Loved ones. Ray...my love. I’ve been particularly hard on him recently. To be fair, he has not been easy to deal with, but I know I need to be patient. If I really love him, I need to see him and his side of things and let him work things out.
I read my posts from the past few months and I think if he ever saw them it would upset him, but I didn’t delete them because at the time they were written that’s how I was feeling, and this is after all, a record about me. Which is why I’m glad that no one ever reads it.
Side note- I really should back up all this stuff. I’ve been writing in it for a very long time.
Anyway, self absorbed. Yeah, I think I’m making it worse by dwelling on the bad stuff, but I can’t seem to help it. I fucking seriously depressed.
I feel like if just a few small things were going better it would make such a huge difference. I need attention that I’m not getting (different kinds from different people) and I can’t fault people for that.
I do think I’m being shown who really are my friends though. There have never been a lot and there are fewer by the day. That’s ok...quality over quantity, right?
My training has been going ok but my weight is just sitting there and this is not where I want to be. I know no one can change that for me, but the depression is seriously not helping that at all. I’m struggling. I feel like I’m drowning and no one even knows I'm in the water.
I’m headed to my moms tomorrow. My birthday weekend compromise...like so many I feel like I have been making... is that I am going up there for 2 full pool days by myself, and coming home Saturday to be with Ray since he doesn’t like the pool.
Yeah this is part of the depression...knowing that I’ll likely never be able to enjoy those kinds of things with him and not knowing if I can really deal with that for the long haul...but really, if we can work around these things together it seems like it could be ok.
Nothing is perfect. God knows I’m not.
I’m going to bed tonight hoping to wake up tomorrow with a better attitude. Just decide to be happy and grateful for what I have, and enjoy the time at the pool with my mom, then enjoy the weekend at home with my love.
It could be worse. If anyone read this they’d probably think I was a selfish bitch, so instead of reinforcing that behavior I’m going to fight against it.
I don’t think I should not be myself, but there must be compromises and sacrifices.
I feel like I’ve had to sacrifice my biggest birthday ever, so I should be caught up for a bit.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Almost 50...
Friday, June 5, 2020
A Difficult Conversation
I just got off the phone with my boyfriend. All fine, long day. We’re meeting tomorrow at my moms house after he’s done with work and I mentioned night swimming. Fun I thought, but no.
“You know what I never want to hear again? Anything about getting in the damn pool. I had to hear that shit for 25 years...”
This is pretty much the exact same thing he said to me a year ago.
I am not saying that the pool is a deal breaker, but what is, is someone that tells you they are a changed person, and is not. Someone that says he’s on board with all the things he had issues with before, but now , back in the fold, loved, and secure, is not.
Its also that same delivery as last year. We’re having a good conversation and out of nowhere I feel like I’ve been bitch slapped. He’s better at being able to say things that are going to be hurtful, or something that we’d disagree on in a “conversational “ way, that makes me feel like I’ve just been yelled at when he never raised his voice.
I don’t like that.
I also don’t like that he’s not on board with some things that I really love to do, and want to do with my partner.
Swimming, yes, but if he has triggers from his ex about that I can let it go. I’ll just always think we’re missing out on something beautiful together.
But what else does swimming involve? Being outside. Hiking, going got the beach, exercising in general. These are all things I want in a permanent partnership with the man I love.
Last fall he was all into the idea of exercising but now, not so much. These are things you can’t force in a person I know. I also know I don’t want to try to have a life with a man that doesn’t have any interest in those things.
Even if we took everything out of the equation but the exercising. That’s so fucking important to me. Not just as something I like to do, but as a thing that is important to my health and his as well.
I’m sitting here alone, very unhappy and unsure of what to do.
I had a great training session this morning and have made the decision to add another trainer to my schedule to be able to ultimately do 5 days a week. It’s costing me money, and time, and a huge amount of effort, and I would like to think that the man I intend to spend the rest of my life with would be equally enthusiastic about such a thing.
When I mention that I hope one day he will work out with me he just says nothing.
Maybe this is why he said a over Memorial Day weekend that he did not know what our future holds. Maybe because we don’t have one.
“You know what I never want to hear again? Anything about getting in the damn pool. I had to hear that shit for 25 years...”
This is pretty much the exact same thing he said to me a year ago.
I am not saying that the pool is a deal breaker, but what is, is someone that tells you they are a changed person, and is not. Someone that says he’s on board with all the things he had issues with before, but now , back in the fold, loved, and secure, is not.
Its also that same delivery as last year. We’re having a good conversation and out of nowhere I feel like I’ve been bitch slapped. He’s better at being able to say things that are going to be hurtful, or something that we’d disagree on in a “conversational “ way, that makes me feel like I’ve just been yelled at when he never raised his voice.
I don’t like that.
I also don’t like that he’s not on board with some things that I really love to do, and want to do with my partner.
Swimming, yes, but if he has triggers from his ex about that I can let it go. I’ll just always think we’re missing out on something beautiful together.
But what else does swimming involve? Being outside. Hiking, going got the beach, exercising in general. These are all things I want in a permanent partnership with the man I love.
Last fall he was all into the idea of exercising but now, not so much. These are things you can’t force in a person I know. I also know I don’t want to try to have a life with a man that doesn’t have any interest in those things.
Even if we took everything out of the equation but the exercising. That’s so fucking important to me. Not just as something I like to do, but as a thing that is important to my health and his as well.
I’m sitting here alone, very unhappy and unsure of what to do.
I had a great training session this morning and have made the decision to add another trainer to my schedule to be able to ultimately do 5 days a week. It’s costing me money, and time, and a huge amount of effort, and I would like to think that the man I intend to spend the rest of my life with would be equally enthusiastic about such a thing.
When I mention that I hope one day he will work out with me he just says nothing.
Maybe this is why he said a over Memorial Day weekend that he did not know what our future holds. Maybe because we don’t have one.
Thursday, June 4, 2020
A Better Day
The rest of the world was still in chaos today, but I managed to fine some peace today. I got up very early and did an hour on the elliptical which felt great!
I also had a big shoot, which I got into so much I literally forgot about the Pandemic for a little while and all the rest of the mess.
It came back of course, but at least I had a small break.
In bed now and training tomorrow. I hope I have a good weekend with my love. We both need it.
The biggest obstacle at the moment other than the COVID crap is that it’s summer, and I want to be at the pool, and he doesn’t.
This was a big issue last year. I thought when he came back around in October this was something he was going to overcome, but it has not happened yet, and so I’m just going to be going alone again I guess.
What sucks is that all I want...all I can really do even, for my birthday this year would be to have a relaxing pool weekend, and I can’t do that because he won’t want to do it. Oh I think he’d come. He did on memorial weekend (which I was so happy about!), but he sat out in the blazing heat in jeans.
I’ve been there, I know what it feels like to pretend you are not roasting because you don’t want to get into a pair of shorts or a bathing suit. I’m trying not to push him, because that doesn’t work. It only make people feel pressure and that’s the last thing he needs.
So I guess I’ll either spend my birthday alone at the pool, or at home doing nothing with him.
I just want something good. Please dear God, just please.
Going to bed...or trying to...dicks behind me are shooting off fireworks and they are really loud.
Hate my neighborhood and am so ready to get the fuck out of here.
I’ll be 50 a week from tomorrow. Fuuuuck....
Goodnight.
I also had a big shoot, which I got into so much I literally forgot about the Pandemic for a little while and all the rest of the mess.
It came back of course, but at least I had a small break.
In bed now and training tomorrow. I hope I have a good weekend with my love. We both need it.
The biggest obstacle at the moment other than the COVID crap is that it’s summer, and I want to be at the pool, and he doesn’t.
This was a big issue last year. I thought when he came back around in October this was something he was going to overcome, but it has not happened yet, and so I’m just going to be going alone again I guess.
What sucks is that all I want...all I can really do even, for my birthday this year would be to have a relaxing pool weekend, and I can’t do that because he won’t want to do it. Oh I think he’d come. He did on memorial weekend (which I was so happy about!), but he sat out in the blazing heat in jeans.
I’ve been there, I know what it feels like to pretend you are not roasting because you don’t want to get into a pair of shorts or a bathing suit. I’m trying not to push him, because that doesn’t work. It only make people feel pressure and that’s the last thing he needs.
So I guess I’ll either spend my birthday alone at the pool, or at home doing nothing with him.
I just want something good. Please dear God, just please.
Going to bed...or trying to...dicks behind me are shooting off fireworks and they are really loud.
Hate my neighborhood and am so ready to get the fuck out of here.
I’ll be 50 a week from tomorrow. Fuuuuck....
Goodnight.
Wednesday, June 3, 2020
The Perfect Storm
Another month gone by in what I thought was a bat shit crazy world shut down by an enemy we can’t see. Well now there’s new crazy.
Riots in the streets, protests. The perfect storm of crazy fueled by horrible incident where police in Minnesota killed a black man, George Floyd, on the street by suffocating him while restraining him. People are fed up, and I don’t blame them. I’m fed up too.
People started to arrange protests. Black lives matter. All lives matter really but for now, I’ll take this. What started out as peaceful quickly went south.
Then it turned ugly.
The storm was ignited by this terrible unnecessary tragedy, and with so many people having been cooped up for almost 3 months, people losing their jobs, their homes, their businesses, and their lives to the COVID-19 pandemic, it’s not surprising that this incident exploded the way it has.
7 days of protests now, all over the world, all asking for reform in the police departments and government in general. The ugly was not the protests, it was the rioting and looting that of course went along with it. Businesses already suffering were smashed up and looted.
I don’t believe the people doing the worst of it have anything to do with the actual protests, they just want to cause trouble and steal stuff.
Fortunately enough of the good people have stuck with it and hopefully it will actually do some good, although we’re now kind of in a “where do we go from here?” Place now.
Where DO we go from here? How do we actually make the changes we really need? Vote? Sure, only voting for the same people that are already part of the problem.
Then there’s our president. The most unpresidential of presidents ever, he’s a mess and it’s just making the USA look worse than it already did to the rest of the world. Yesterday he actually got the National Guard to break up a bunch of peaceful protesters with tear gas and rubber bullets so that he and his rotten children could cross the street and do a photo op in front of a church he never goes to, holding up a bible that was not even his, and that I doubt he’s ever read. Stupid.
I want him gone, and I don’t think I’m the minority in this. There are still a few people I know that think he’s actually done a good job in the economic area, and that’s probably true to some extent. I will say that he seems to be the only person in the world that will actually stick up to China, but.....and it’s a very big BUT...a I’ve said a million times, it’s not the message it’s the delivery.
So often things could have been better for that man if he would just shut up.
Really...JUST....SHUT....UP!
I don’t know what will be coming for our country, but I fear it’s going to be a very long time before we are back to any sense of normal again.
As for me, I’m ok one day and not the next. Back and forth with charging forward and making myself do healthy things, then falling completely off the wagon.
I feel completely unsupported. Everyone has their own shit to deal with after all.
And to top it off I am a little over a week from turning 50.
The big one, the birthday of all birthdays, and I won’t even be able to celebrate it. Well, at least not the way I wanted to.
I’m nowhere near where I wanted to be right now.
I’m mad, and frustrated and depressed.
I’m mad for not taking myself in hand months ago when the Wellness Center closed and my work dried up. Not taking the opportunity that was very much the same as I had in 2012, when I made such positive changes and came to have one of the best years of my life. I’ve tried. But not as hard as I should have.
I have had good weeks and bad. Some really bad. A few pretty good. My weight has just stopped at 25lbs heavier than I was this time last year, and that is just heartbreaking to me.
The post I did in February when I was going to the Gym-I was psyched, and I know if I’d been able to continue that I would be in a very different place today. Instead I just started my 3rd very expensive month of training with Leanne again, twice a week, which while I am grateful for, it’s not enough to spark the weight loss, and although I do feel stronger than I did when I began, I am continually doing things in between time that sabotage all those other efforts.
I will say last month I did better than the month before, so there’s that I guess. Maybe a 1%.
But overall I’ve felt bad about the way I look for a while and it has not helped that Ray has been stand-offish with me.
Something that he says has nothing to do with me or my body, but more to do with him processing all this crazy too. He’s been thrown right back into the isolation that he’d fought so hard to get himself out of.
Being forced to stay home and be a shut in, when you already struggle with making yourself go out and do things, doesn’t help anything.
Love is patient, love is kind. That’s what they say.
Last weekend was good. Actually last week was good. I was in bed early for the most part with little to no alcohol so of course I felt better, and I exercised almost every day. Also, I got a pinball machine on loan which totally rocks, and MG came over. We all 3 played and played. Sometimes I still feel like I’m having to do all the work with us, but I’m trying to be patient and kind. I keep saying I love him. Not to remind myself that I do, but because I do.
We’re all having a hard time. Even now, when things are “opening up”, it feels like we should be waiting longer. I’m slowly getting some work again and even though it’s not as much as it used to be, it’s good to have, but at the same time I worry that it’s too soon. Going into peoples houses that aren’t respectful of the rules. Not wearing masks and such.
So much information has changed over the last 3 crazy months with this virus. I don’t think people even know what’s right and wrong anymore.
Well they know some things are wrong. And the world is showing up to scream it. I saw the news just now. A small bit...(I don’t watch too much it’s just...well...too much) but people all over the world are having protests sparked by this mans wrongful death at the hands of this cop that had apparently been shady for a while.
So what can come out of this? Hopefully they will be screening applicants better when hiring police officers. Mental health needs to be a priority, not just physical health.
Chances are, if this guy had been really looked into this would never have happened.
I mean the guy died on the street in broad daylight with people gathered filming the whole thing. The guy begged for his life. Called to his mamma. It was horrific to see.
The fact that the world is now waking up to these injustices because of his death can be the only blessing in it.
He was indeed the sacrifice that we needed I guess. Horrible.
It won’t change everything or everyone, but in the midst of all the rest of this chaos I hope that we can find some peace with each other and make the world a tiny bit better for everyone.
The perfect storm. Maybe it will wipe the earth clean. Sometimes I think the earth, or God maybe..is just straight up pissed off at the mess we’ve made of this beautiful place. Teaching us a lesson, or just simply getting rid of us entirely. Clean slate.
Maybe it is the end of days. Did I mention the giant lizards, killer hornets, food shortages that are slowly starting to happen, and there’s that pesky hurricane ramping up in the gulf right about now.
Yeah, happy birthday....right. It’s funny, I said years ago I’d probably never live past 50. Maybe I was right.
For tonight I am in bed, it’s 10:45, and I had a decent day.
I’ll try for a better one tomorrow along with the rest of the world.
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