Anxious!!

Its the day before I leave for vacation and its already starting off to be a bad day.





Don't you HATE it when someone cant admit fault and instead accuses YOU of screwing up?


That's what happened to me in the first 10 minutes of me coming in.


Then the phone call from hell. An unhappy client who proceeds to use me as the punching bag since the person who actually screwed up is not available to scream at.





Whew..maybe I'm getting the wrath today so I will appreciate vacation tomorrow even more!





I cant wait! I get to see one of my best friends too for the whole week which is a total bonus!





I'm worried about leaving my tiny dog though. I ADORE my little one and the person I'm leaving her with is someone I don't know very well.


Hes the brother of 2 of my close friends and I have put them in charge of checking up on him.



After all the stuff in the news about Mike Vick and the dog fighting stuff I worry someone would snatch her from the back yard for dog bait.



About that Vick crap. I cant understand what kind of human being could hurt any animal like that much less profit off it.


I know, I eat meat and that's killing animals too, ( sometimes not always in the nicest way either) but for sport? Whats sporting about putting a scared house pet into a ring with its mouth taped shut and hip broken with a trained fighting dog just to watch the other one tear it up?


Its sick.

My dog Scruffy has a message for you Vick and any like you out there!!!

Anyway, Happy vacation time for me! I hope my next entry will include what I'm doing in the gym at the beach!!

Falling off the wagon...or did I jump?

OK, so this week I'm being bad. No, I'm not out drinking or anything, just not going to the gym. I'm leaving for vacation in 3 days and I have too much to do after work every day to make time for it.
I know, I know, it should come first. And honestly my plan was to go every day this week but I just have no time.
I will make up for it at the beach house with daily work outs in the gym there.
What could be better than being on the Evil Elliptical machine while looking out over the Gulf of Mexico?
No excuses there.
So Maybe I fell off the wagon in a way, but since I'm being good otherwise I really don't feel so bad about it.

On a totally different topic, yesterday I talked to a guy I haven't talked to in years and I'm a little too excited about it.
What happened was, Friday when I was home and had a few cocktails I went on to my MySpace page..(yeah I know..shut up!) and was looking at some of the "friends" of a person on my page. Hes not a true friend of mine in that I know him, but we don't hang out or talk on the phone. Its more like when I see him out we say hey and maybe chat it up a little.
So this guy is on his page. Lets call him The Latin...cause he is...
So TL and I have a history. Years ago, when I was thinner he and I went through a few years of on and off "hookin' up", and at one point he actually sat me down outside Trackside( the bar we all used to hang at) and told me he really liked me and that he wanted to actually "date" me.
This, unfortunately was bad timing because it was right around the time that I was full throttle with The Muffin.
Ive always wondered what would have happened if Id let Muffin go and gone out with TL instead.

In any case in the years since we have again encountered each other here and there. most of the time on our birthdays because his happens to be the day after mine. he is 7 years younger though, which when I was 31 and we were hanging out made him 24, and still acting like a 20 year old!
So now hes just turned 30, and Ive been lurking around his MySpace page for some time now trying to get up the balls to send him an email.
I was scared he wouldn't want to talk to me because a few years back he dated someone that is NOT fond of me at all and I thought that might have rubbed off on him.

Since my recent new mindset, however, of living life and not letting pesky things like fat and past mistakes get in my way, I decided on Friday I had just enough wine in me to contact him.
So I did.
Saturday night, after a day at the pool I came home and suddenly out of nowhere I remembered what Id done the night before, and was horrified!

Emailing has taken the place of Ye Ole' Drunk Dial...never EVER a good thing to do, and I honestly hardly ever do that anymore ..almost anyway!

So I jump on the computer and look to see what exactly I wrote to him. It was all fine, just a friendly message of Hey how ya been ..long time no see kind of thing.
No response...
This is why I love MySpace though cause it tells you when someone has seen your mail, and he had not yet.
Sunday comes and I again jump on the computer to see what, if anything hes written back and he had!
He asked who I was..I was shocked at first, then realized I had my profile pictures locked down so no non-friends can look at them and also my name on my page is Sockmonkee so how the hell WOULD he know?

So I write back its R****** B****** ( my name) and say again I was just saying hello.
wait...5 minutes...10...check again.....
30 minutes...check again.....15 more... RESPONSE!

WOW ! HEY How have you been? WHERE have you been?

I was so glad to see this! I wrote back immediately briefly..and casually...catching him up on whats been up with me, but not going in to any real detail.

Then I have to go for the day, but yesterday he wrote back and gave me his phone number. When i checked the mail he happened to be on line ( another MySpace feature is spying on people on line!)
So I messaged him with my number instead of calling him.

3 minutes later I get a text.

I text back....this goes on for a few minutes, then the phone rings.

We ended up talking for about an hour. I was thrilled!

So were keeping in touch I think, and we'll see what happens. I'm not looking for a hook up or a boyfriend out of it, just a new /old friend.

Happy days!!

Sometimes the south sucks

So I went to dinner at my 2 best friends house last night. We had much fun and much more beer with the fun. I'm not used to drinking that much anymore during the week so after going home and completely crashing at about 11:00 I wake suddenly in the middle of the night being poked by my tiny lovely squeezy dog, Scruffy.
I was SO hung over...it was about 4AM.
I got up and had a splitting headache.

I took Advil and let Scruffy out and when I opened the door ( naked...4am.... in the dark..hung over as a rat...) A HUGE...and I mean HUGE palmetto bug can flying in at me and landed in the kitchen.
Now just picture the half asleep, hung over, fat nakedness flailing around, screaming, scrambling to find the light switch...it was not pretty....

So I get the light on and it zooms under the dryer and I get out the spray and with shaky hands and breaking a light sweat now I douse the entire kitchen in bug spray.

Then I finally get back to bed but cant sleep because I'm waiting to be attacked by an angry fat bug spray covered roach!

Ugh...there is probably nothing in the world more disgusting than a palmetto /tree living/flying/size of skateboard roach!! And the south is FULL of them.

Sometimes the South sucks!

Cha cha cha CHANGES!!

The gym was great yesterday. I was kind of feeling frustrated and antsy the whole day and working out totally made me feel better. All the tension of the day melted away!

It was upper body day, and I went at a later time so there were more people, ( including the burly men in the weight area) and I marched right in there after my cardio, plopped my bulging butt down on a weight bench and did my thing!


I was very proud of myself!

After the gym I went home and a good friend came over for dinner. I had a little wine but didn't go crazy so that was OK too.

This morning , however, I'm back in frustration mode due to a person...no ..PEOPLE..who call themselves friends.
OK, here's the deal. I know everyone gossips. I know most people talk behind other peoples backs in some way or another, myself included,. I DO NOT , however say things about other people...my FRIENDS anyway, that I wouldn't say or have not said to them personally.
I believe that if you decide to start talking about someone and you don't have the nuts to say it to their face, it is no longer a a statement made out of concern for that person but a vicious attempt to spread stories, true or untrue , about a person.

So there are a few people in my social circle that have been on my nerves for some time now. They all talk bad about other people, and none of them ever say anything to the faces of those they are discussing. This, of course, leads me to believe that I am one of their subjects of conversation.
I think I'm at that point again where I need to flush. Flush the rubbish out of my life.
I am turning yet another new leaf over!
No more negative people!
No more negative thoughts..including about myself!!
I must rid my heart and mind of negativity and bitterness!

Bitterness fills me up when I think of certain people sometimes and the way they behave. I think, because of this, that I should no longer be around said people.

I also think that a lot of times in my life I have gravitated toward, or allowed myself to be surrounded by a lot of negativity and accepted it because it was either that or nothing.
Well guess what. Nothing is better.

years ago one of these negative people ( who is ironically very outwardly positive to strangers) dubbed me "The Queen of Misery".
I'm turning in my crown. Actually I turned in that crown a long time ago but its stuck in these peoples minds apparently so maybe I should give the crown back from whence it came!

After all, I'm writing the story of my life aren't I?
Today is a new chapter.

Do dreams ever really come true?

Happy happy me!
I had a great work out yesterday. Lower body, legs shaking when I left like they were made of jello. Wonderful!
I was thinking last night, and this morning in the shower about what positive changes I have made in my life and also what else needs to be changed.
I'm happy now, but can I be happier?

I have written a lot about how I just want to have a casual guy friend / boy friend, blah blah, and about how I don't care about being thin, I just want to be healthy.

I wonder if I'm putting out the wrong energy by saying that?

I mean don't get me wrong...I am happy to be making healthier choices with my time and body, and I honestly do NOT have any interest in being with the wrong guy just to BE with a guy.
But am I selling my life short?

The truth is, when I really am honest with myself. ( SHH ! DON'T TELL ANYBODY!!)
I do want to be married. I would love nothing more than to be 125 lbs and happily married to a strong lovely man that I admire and adore. Kids? Sure!
When I am totally honest with myself Id love nothing more than to be a Martha Stewart/ June Clever housewife.
That's my real dream.
I think when I admit that, like right now...putting it in words for all to see...I get choked up about it.
Its like having a dream you know you will never see come true and there's nothing you can do to change it.
I can get another job to make more money. I can crash diet, exercise my flabby ass off, MAYBE get down to at least my former thinner self..( which was no where near 125 mind you), but I cant make the man of my dreams appear, kids in toe and *pouf* I'm happily married with my 2.5 kids in my country home and my stable of horses out back!!

People do that you know. People do meet those men. Successful, handsome, kind.
I realize the population of women vs men in the world is not in my favor, and it is basically like the animal kingdom. Survival of the fittest...quite literally.

I'M not the pick of the litter so my chances are somewhat slim of ever finding that guy.
Actually when I think of it in that way I get even more down about it because the truth is Ive never had a serious relationship in my life. I'm 37 and I could still be in high school for all my experience in relationships goes.

I met a lot of guys when I was thinner. A LOT! I'm pretty, so I attract them, and I was thinner so that helped, but not quite thin enough to really be an acceptable girlfriend apparently.

Well, that's what Ive blamed it on all these years. Now I wonder if there's another reason. I mean everyone says I have a great personality, I have so much to offer in so many ways to the right person..SO WHERE IS HE???

I mean its not like Ive had a bunch of opportunities either. I know so many women that have dated so much that they have at least had the opportunity to weed through the bad ones, learn from their mistakes, and move on to something better.

Where are my opportunities?

What...in the last 5 years I have dated a drunk that wanted me to support him ( 20 days), a sweet but very unattractive (and disturbingly hairy) guy that was practically homeless and made less money than most teenagers do,( about 3 weeks..maybe..) and a reformed... sort of....OCD patient that was still living in special housing for mentally disturbed people, again making the salary of a 21 year old with no college education...and annoyingly clingy and needy...( 8 weeks...including the 2 that I broke up with him then begrudgingly got back together due to friends pressuring me) which I actually would have been happy to date at least casually if he had not been totally physically repulsive.

If I'm missing something here please , someone , ANYONE, clue me in because I just don't know what to do anymore.
Internet dating...tried it....STILL trying it.
I guess it doesn't help that all of my friends accept 3 are gay and in relationships. I don't have the connections that most do I suppose to even have half a chance.

I just don't want to wake up in 5 MORE years ( I know I said this 5 years ago) still single wondering what the hell I did so wrong.
Where did I make the wrong turn in my life that led me here?
I mean it is what it is, and I'm thankful...grateful even..to have the friends I have.
I hate feeling like somethings missing though.

Why why WHY cant I meet just more people?
OK its true..I am terminally shy around new ...attractive..people. I always think they are judging me because I'm fat, and I get nervous and studer most of the time, but lets face it folks, when a guy meets a girl its a total physical attraction thing first.

After the stiffy goes away and the guy can speak, then you start to get to know each other.
This is why I think the physical attraction thing has always been my problem.
I mean look at the evidence. 7 years ago, 85 lbs thinner...men all over the place. As the weight crept back on the men slunk away.
What I have been left with are the bottom of the barrel. OK that sounds snotty..horrible...judgemental even. Like how can I judge people by looks and the like if I don't want to be judged that way?
The fact is...I AM! Everyone is so why cant I be picky too?
What I'm talking about is having something to be picky about!
Last year when I dated that poor sap I had not been with another guy in over a year. Had not MET a new guy in over a year. I was..well..desperate for attention. Sad but true.
Now another year has gone by and not a peep. No one from the real world anyway. Oh yeah Ive talked to guys on line blah blah...but nothing real.
Its been so long since Ive even been to a public place that has a bunch of strange single straight men in it that when I did go to a place like that about a month ago I literally had a panic attack!

This , I think, is a bad sign. I'm getting so bad at being around people I don't know I cant even look them in the eye without breaking a sweat. (Thank god that sweating is required at the gym!)

Do I need to get out more? New places? New people? FORCE myself out of my comfort zone?
I guess if I don't I'm never going to meet anyone.
And obviously I do want to.

Despite what all of the above might lead the reader to believe I am happy. :)
Maybe I just need attention!!

Mondays

Have I said it before? Mondays stink?
I'm sure I have.
I have to go to the dentist today. Nice squeaky clean teeth!! I actually don't mind going to the dentist. I never have problems there and I like the feeling of clean teeth.
Orally fixated...yep, that's me.
That explains why I cant stop putting things in my mouth!!
So I did OK last week. I went to the gym 3 days ( Tuesday, Thursday and Friday) and felt great about it.
This week I'm going for 4 days.
I haven't made 4 days yet so this will be a first.
I already feel like I'm going to do it!
Last week on Thursday I jumped a huge hurdle for me. I entered the sacred weight training zone.
This is the area in the gym where the men hang out, and where 2 of my favorite upper body exercises are done. The free weight butterfly and the free weight over the head thingy that makes your chest and triceps scream with pain. ...yes..I love that!
I had not ventured back into that scared land as yet until last week. I was , and still am, intimidated by the thought of those men...a couple of them quite attractive...looking at me and wondering what the hell I'm doing in THEIR space.
I know..I'm neurotic. I'm sure they don't care, but I'm also sure when I'm laying sprawled out on a weight bench, lolling around like a nice plump walrus sunning itself on a rock, that someone will look.

And Lo! They will look and they will see! See the fat! Feel the fat! Embrace the FAT!!
And I will pick up those weights and pump them with furious fever!
And I will smote my ruin upon them!!!
yeah yeah yeah...

Well, I'm going to have to get over it.
This week will be the first week that I'm going to have to go at a "normal" time for me. In the past weeks Ive been skipping out of work a little early to get there before the rush..most of the time desperately hoping to get in and out before the hottie gets there.
But this week I have decided that I must face the music and go at a normal time. This means more people, more men, possibly even the hottie himself, will be pumping iron right beside me. Me, the walrus...its OK though. I have to get past what they may be thinking because I refuse to let that be my excuse for NOT doing it.
I will not let fear control me. I will rise to the challenge and meet it with a toothy grin! ( a super CLEAN toothy grin after today!)

I'm pretty proud of myself right now.
Next month, however, I'm going to start tackling the food issue. I have stayed away from that so far for the most part. One step at a time...
I know in my heart though I'm going to have to make some serious commitments to changing my diet and drinking habits.
Well, lets talk about that after vacation....

Train of Fools!

Every week presents a new challenge for me as far as keeping up the new routine.

This week so far Ive only been to the gym once, but I'm going again today and tomorrow. I'm still proud of myself because this is week 4 of my new plan and its been years since Ive stuck with it this long. No, I'm not consistent as in going 4 or 5 days a week, but I'm going. I'M GOING!!

To me that's the be all end all of this initial goal.

Just show up.

Participate in my own life.

A person that's close to me is going through a rough time right now. Shes considering divorce and because of her marital difficulties ( which range from financial woes to simple lack of caring from her partner)

shes taken on another life of sorts. Its hard to explain without saying it but I am trying to be as discrete as possible here.

All I know is when shes in this other life shes happy. Happier than Ive ever seen her, only here's the problem. Shes not living in reality.

Shes ignoring the problems hoping they will go away. She and her mate wont even talk to each other about their problems.

Her theory seems to be smooth it over and it will be alright..and as long as she can make it tolerable at home, she can have her other life too without rocking her very leaky boat.

All this has got me thinking about my own life...selfish wench that I am...

and what I think is I have to take the reins more. I must be an active participant in my own life. So many of us go day to day in our routines without ever really steering.

Like being on a train. You go where the rail goes. You cant turn or stop until the train stops, but heaven forbid the train derail.

Ever heard the expression "shes ( or he) is a train wreck!" ?

Well that would be my friend right now..a total train wreck.

You stop and stare because you cant quite believe your eyes even though looking at it is terrible.

I have been quite the train wreck myself in my life a few times.



I guess you cant get off the train entirely either, but you can at least pick a different path.

For me that's the gym, a little more self discipline, and a little less self destructive behavior.

Maybe Ive finally found my own path?

Maybe I've just switched trains?

Happy Birthday to a dear friend!

This day is yours Anne!!
31 years ago you sprang into the world and nothing has been the same since!
The old saying "they broke the mold when they made you" is so true and its a shame because your one of the best people I know!!
Keep making the world a better place!
LOVE YOU GIRL!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Done!!

I did it. I fought the urge and went to the gym and it was good.
This may be a fight that I have every day for a while. I'm on week 3 of my new life at the gym and I know from the past that it took at least a month for me to even begin to be in that routine so I imagine each day following will be a mental battle to make myself go.
Yesterday when my urge to not go got bad I changed into my gym clothes and put my hair in pigtails..( oh it sooo cute!) which sealed the deal.
I'm going today and I feel good about it. Actually I feel GREAT about it.