My New Years Eve post this year was short indeed. I had / have a very long post that was almost ready to go but decided at the last minute not to post it. I will keep it, because it has a lot of things in it that were/ are on my mind but most of it dealt with R and I think its time to stop all that.
I can summarize New Years weekend with R in one word. TV. That is all.
More importantly, I need to get back to looking at ME, not other people or my relations with them. Weather or not my year turned out the way Id hoped in my 2019 post is not something that needs to be explained because is totally didn't, in any way. Some of it was not my fault but I think a lot of it was, and my attitude has gotten pretty sour as late, so the very first thing I am doing is flushing the negative thoughts. Sometimes writing them down helps but it also often brings more things to the surface and right now my plate is FULL!
So instead of ending a year with all the things that went wrong and were bad, I will begin the new year with HOPE and a Plan.
There are 3 things that need my total attention at this moment.
My work
My body
My mind
The things I need to accomplish to improve these things are in the Plan, and the Hope is that I will not give up on myself, rather take it day by day and remember that every 1% change I make will eventually be seen and felt throughout my life.
No need to even say what these changes are because they are no different than they are every year.
The only real added stress of accomplishing these goals is the fact that I will be moving. Yes that's right, its finally happening.
Months of hard work getting my house ready to sell, as well as preparing a new space at the rents house which I will have to start calling Mos Eisley Cantina North, are coming to a close and its time to move on.
Moving on. maybe that's going to be what my 2021 will be about. If so, I HOPE that whatever moving I do it will be for the better, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.
Hard choices will be made I am sure. In my head and heart I know what some will likely be, but I'm nowhere near ready for those right now.
Habits that 2020 awoke have to be squashed and my 2012 self needs to be revisited. Or a whole new self that will use the good of my 2012 experiences and help me have the strength to fight for my life.
It feels that drastic. Like I'm fighting for my life physically, mentally and financially.
I'm fighting to break these terrible habits yet again, and nurture the good ones.
I'm fighting to push myself to do new things in business and take new risks. 2020 was supposed to be the best year my business had to date, but the Pandemic and lack of motivation , (or fear of failure) to try new things turned it into the worst. 2021 HAS to be better if I am going to continue to be able to do this.
Everything is better when your mind is better, so I am going to go back into therapy as soon as I can find someone I am comfortable with. This in itself will be a fight I am sure as I know the month will quickly pass by and I will have wasted that time if I don't get on it NOW.
I am facing what may be a very traumatic time of my life or could be the beginning of something great. Being in my 50's, feeling like I am single even if technically I'm not. Leaving my home of over 17 years and essentially moving into my parents basement. Trying new things in my business to spark, well, business. Forcing myself to make better choices day to day with food and alcohol even though it feels so much better to just do what I "want" to do. Its going to be hard, and I am afraid of failure for sure, but if I don't at least try I know this will be such a bad year that I may not recover in any way.
The truth is I want nothing to do with any of that. What I want to do is crack open a bottle of cold wine and go make popcorn and watch TV.
What I'm GOING to do is make a salad, have some sugar free ginger ale, maybe play Diablo a bit then go to bed early so I can work out in the morning before I go to shoot. I did the Elliptical today and it was an easy 30 minutes but felt like a huge accomplishment. I did it on New Years Eve but the last time I worked out before that was the middle of November.
My first 2 shoots of 2021 are tomorrow, and I have already told the clients I will be "testing" my walk through videos so I will be breaking that equipment shortly and running through the basics. I've had this stuff since May and keep just putting it away. Granted September through December were crazy months of being North and here doing the projects and starting to move. I had actually contracted to put the house on the market in October but then backed out. I was not ready, and had nowhere to go that was ready for me.
Now I have an almost finished basement area North, and mom has moved out of the master bedroom and agreed to let go of one other bedroom so I can have my gym in it. I've been moving things up with every trip for the past few weeks and am getting to the point where I feel like I'm just in a weird chaotic limbo so I will really need to make the final move sooner than later even though part of me would really rather stay until I sell the place.
Moving will give me the chance to get settled though, and settled is where I need to be. I've wrapped my head around not being here anymore even though the thought of never coming "home" again makes me burst into tears. Its funny that is my reaction given the fact that I have complained about this place so often for so long. I guess I just wanted leaving to be different.
With mom now in her new bedroom / bathroom downstairs I really could be here another year or more, but because of my financial situation I really cant afford to wait any longer. Things may get better with the addition of video to my services, and I might end up having a great year after all, but if I don't, I will have to sell my house in a panic and I don't want to have to be in that position. I kind of AM in that position but its not drastic yet. If its not sold by March and my work has not gotten better by then, I wont be able to pay my mortgage.
Its funny too, because the place I will be moving to I love, and will be mine one day if I can afford to keep it. I guess its my adult private life that I will miss the most. Not having to answer to anyone but myself on a day to day basis. I've been thinking about that too, and I have realized that if I have any hope of ever living with a man, or being married, this move is necessary if for no other reason than to actually experience having another person in my living space every day.
If it doesn't work out with mom and I'm totally miserable, I can always move, and lets face it, I've been talking about wanting to move to Marietta for years. Maybe this is just the start I need to really make changes in my life.
Also, I had a thought recently about my life in Decatur, and my friends etc. I've thought about the issues I've had with people over the years, and the fact that I still, after all this time, never feel like I'm "one of the gang", and that my oldest sister has been in the group of people I call friends largely meeting them through me, then somehow in spite of her own issues becoming a tight part of said gang while I'm left on the sidelines feeling like somehow I've been ousted and not really understanding why.
It makes me think I really do need a new start, and new people to start with. People that she doesn't know and wont ever really know. I just want my own life without her in any of it because it really does feel like over the years every time she crept into my friend group somehow I eventually found myself on the outside of it. I know she talks shit about people, and I'm sure I am not immune to it. R certainly isn't. That aside...because maybe its me....I am tired of trying to make people that clearly don't want to be in my life, like me. I do know that MG talked about me a bunch to people after the stupid Bohan incident of 2014, but again, no-one ever bothered to ask me about it, I just suddenly wasn't invited to things anymore. Meanwhile MG and I have become close friends again...or so I thought...but she's even gone MIA since September.
So yeah, finding a new group to hang with would be nice. Hard for me for sure, and impossible until the Pandemic is under control, but maybe I need 2021 to be less about being well liked by people and more about making changes to like MYSELF more. I've always been a loner, but I've also always craved the attention and love that friends and relationships give people. Right now Id rather focus on making myself well, so when I do have an opportunity to meet new people, I will be a better person and friend to anyone I come across.
As for my relationship, 2020 was not kind to it. Its still there although as I said at the beginning of this post I had a lot to say about it that I decided not to post, and most of it wasn't great. Another thing that I have to either make better or let go of, but I'm not ready to deal with that. I need to deal with ME first and foremost. Any decisions I make after I feel more balanced will certainly be better for it.
I will end this post with HOPE.
I hope I will have the willpower to go through this week without falling off the wagon, and that my shoots will go well tomorrow and that my house will be on the market by the end of the week. I hope that my relationship will get better. I hope that my business will get better, and I hope that whatever changes I make in the next few months will be positive.
Ill be checking in here more often I think this year. I need an outlet and this has always proved to be a good one.
So here's to hope! "cheering with water" :)
