End of the month

Well, the end of the month is upon me and I have not met my goal. perhaps my goal was unrealistic. I wanted to drop 21 lbs this month. I have lost 9 instead. I was on the way but I got derailed last week when I came down with a bad case of stomach flu, followed by a basic case of "Becky is depressed and hiding from the world syndrome", during which time I drank and ate everything bad in sight for 4 days.

I'm back on track though. I have to remember to forgive myself for messing up and move on.

I messed up bad a couple of Sundays ago. I made a total ass of myself with the boy that I'm currently obsessed with and haven't seen or spoken to him since. I foresee him being a jerk to me when I see him Sunday. He will be working where I intend to watch the Superbowl. Hell, lets be honest, I could give a shit about the Superbowl, I'm going up there to look great in front of him in the hopes of him noticing me, or at least noticing someone else noticing me. Yes, I'm back in that place.
I currently have not had an obsession like this in about 5 years. Oh sure, the muffin is always in my mind. Today is his birthday in fact, and I thought about him all last night and how I gave him one of my favorite photographs for his 28th birthday. 6 years ago and counting and every year I remember it because it was the last time we were ever "together".

I'm glad that we have morphed into good friends, and I still say I want to know him when hes 90..( if either of us are still kicking by then). I still compare every guy I meet to him and no one has ever come close yet, but theres always tomorrow!

In any case my current obsession is just bugging the crap out of my brain. I cant figure out WHY I cant stop thinking about him. I mean yes, hes hot, and yes, he has certain ...ummm...talents shall we say that go beyond most guys Ive met before. But hes a jerk..I mean hes arrogant...probably THE most self centered, selfish, stuck up for no good reason guy Ive ever met in my life.
I should not ever give him the time of day, yet I obsess about him constantly. I think about him all the time.
I don't remember if I mentioned this but I photographed him over Christmas weekend and well, lets just say they are ummm stunning photos! Now, to be honest, I did light him well, and I have a great eye, and I also used photoshop on his little imperfections, but, lets face it, the canvas wasn't bad to begin with!
I thought he would be begging to come back and see me after that weekend, but he hasn't been back since, and when Ive seen him up at the Track he just says hey and sometimes chats me up but that's it. Then, 2 Sundays ago..actually the night before I got so ill, I had too much to drink or something and I fear I made a total ass of myself with him. I remember him being pissy with me and thank GOD Muffin and The Lovely Wife were there with me to drag me out of the place at some point. They said that I was super drunk but not totally making an ass of myself, I just know he never drinks that much and we have discussed before how we both hate the messy drunk thing.
We all screw up. We all have out moments. I just hate that I came off like that to him. It seems like from the beginning Ive just made the worst impressions of myself to him. Like I dont know who I am when hes around. I become a blithering idiot with no self esteem and an attitude problem!

So I have to face it. We will not be together again, and I know it. And honestly I know in my heart its for the best. Hes trouble. Hes not good boyfriend material at all. He cheats on girls, is sly and manipulative. Hes the bad boy I always go for... hard.

I'm older now and I thought more mature about these things, but apparently not. Apparently I still get upset when I get blown off , or feel like I'm being used, or just passed over.
Yeah, I know, I should feel upset about those things but not when I put myself in the stew pot!

So I'm going to make a very conscious goal to not misbehave Sunday. I will look great, I will not drink too much, and I will ignore him entirely.

Anyone want to take bets on how I do?

As for my month of new life overall I did OK. I screwed up for about 10 days out of 31. Not bad for me I think. I think its a good sign that I am sticking to my goals as best as I can for now. I just have to keep it going.
After all, imagine how the boy will look at me in 6 months when Ive dropped weight. Feeling better and looking hot. Mmmm!! Delicious!

Good ME

Doing good. Treadmill this AM 45 minutes..sweated my ass off even though it was freezing in the house.
It snowed here yesterday. Didn't stick but it was enough to put the entire city in the "bread and milk panic".
Its so crazy!
Anyway, I'm inspired again. I'm not going to give myself the day off this weekend from working out. I think its better that way since I tend to fall off the wagon if I slack off even one day.
So yeah, Good for ME!

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Dragging but not dead

I managed to drag my butt out of bed this morning to work out, and it was great!
I always go back to thinking about why I slack off when it feels so damn good when I give it my all.
The road ahead is a long one full of obstacles, but I have a good sense of who I am these days and I will not fail myself.

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Bump in the road

Hit a bump in the road over the weekend. Actually I was very good until Sunday. I didn't exercise Sunday and drank with my sister Sunday evening, which made me stay up too late, and not work out Monday.
:(
I also ate badly Sunday.
No punishment, just a bump in the road, of which I know there will be many.
I didn't work out this morning either. Just couldn't manage to crawl out of bed, but I'm doing it this afternoon.
Have to get back on track. Im NOT quitting.


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Day 9

Day 9 and Ive dropped another 2 lbs overnight!
I thought for sure Id at least stay the same. I felt heavy on the scale this AM. I actually felt terrible all morning.
I feel OK now, and I'm glad I did my treadmill 45 minutes this morning.
My goal is to get to 1 hour in the morning by the end of the month.
I'm feeling GREAT!!

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Drop

I dropped 2 lbs last night somehow. I stayed the same weight Monday & Tuesday and I thought Id be over or the same this AM but nope, 2 lbs down so that makes 9 total since the Jan 1, 2008!
I know this is water weight, and I know it wont keep coming off like this, but its a nice thing to begin with. Hell I expect I might go back up again by next Monday, that's my usual MO, but I'm exercising every morning. Today I went to 40 minutes on the treadmill.
Ive decided that the morning exercise is really the best idea for me. At least get the treadmill out of the way, then I can do weights or something else at night. My goal is to work up to an hour on the mill in the morning.

I will walk my more than pudgy butt off one step at a time.

On the food front I have actually been doing OK I think. I have not been measuring because I hate doing that. It just pisses me off and makes me want to dive head first into a steaming pile of pizza topped with brownies!

I have been eating fish, vegetables, boiled egg whites and a little brown rice. Some fat free yogurt, and today I had fat free cottage cheese for lunch with a tuna salad I made.

I was cutting out all cheese but I decided yesterday at the grocery store I needed a change.
I made a tuna salad with fat free sour cream instead of my precious mayonnaise, which turned out pretty good, although lets face it there just is no substitute for mayo!
My lunch today was probably higher in calories than I have been eating so I need to be extra careful tonight.
Every morning when I weigh myself I hope if the scale hasn't gone down that at least it doesn't go up. I realize this might happen here and there but I'm doing everything I can to make it go the other direction.

I feel like this is my year. I feel so good about myself right now. I think my brush with possible death really did open my eyes to how much I really do love myself and my life, and how much I'm looking forward to being able to really LIVE!!


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Good, Bad & Ugly

Good:
Ive managed to stick to my new plan for 7 days now with only one slip up. I have also been working out every day accept one and Ive managed to drop 7 lbs in a week.

Bad:
I went out and had 2 drinks Saturday night after going to a shooting range with my parents Saturday during the day. 2 drinks, well I failed at the 20 day detox but I'm still OK with ME.

Ugly: I was sick on Sunday from something..possibly the drinks combined with this new medicine I started taking last week for insulin intolerance. I felt like crap all day and didn't work out that day.

I think I'm doing OK all things considered. I will not beat myself up, I will move forward and keep on track.

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Day 3

Yesterday I was so determined in the morning. By the afternoon my resolve was faltering. I got home and not only almost drank a glass of wine, but almost didn't work out again. But I didn't drink and I DID work out.
I had a thought yesterday afternoon during my anxiety too that the feeling I was getting could also be that I haven't smoked since Monday night. Nicotine withdrawal, even as minor as it would be for me, is still withdrawal.
When I walked in the door yesterday evening I was hungry, tired, and cranky. I wanted to get a glass of wine, plop down in front of the TV and eat cheese and crackers.

I don't have cheese or crackers in my house anymore so that was out. The wine, well yes its still there but I put on my sweats and got on the treadmill and within 5 minutes the feeling was gone. It was thankfully replaced by a good feeling that stayed with me the rest of the night.

I will say getting through the 30 minutes on the treadmill was a bitch. A buggery stinking bitch! I was calling to God for strength 15 minutes into it.
Then I realized I didn't have my headphones on and that at the gym the time goes by so much faster with music.
So this morning when I got up to boogie on the treadmill I was sure to get the trusty Ipod. It helped. Not only that I pushed myself harder than I had yesterday.

So here I am on day 3. Its Friday and normally I would be getting out of work at about 2:00, Id go the the grocery store, stocking up on beer and snacks for the weekend.

I used to stock pile food in my house like I was waiting for a nuclear winter. I'm no longer going to do that.

I would also normally be meeting my sister after she got off work at a bar for a few drinks. (This is obviously not going to happen either.)
Sometimes Id just stick home though, cracking the first frosty brew at about 4:00 or 5:00, drinking and snacking until I got sleepy, which depending on my sleep level for the week could be anywhere between 11:00PM and 3:00 Am.

Tonight I wont be doing any of that.

I'm a creature of habit in so many ways and I'm going to break them all. No, I'm not GOING to break them I AM breaking them.

For example, my car is in the shop today..all day..maybe until 6PM. Normally Id never put it in on a Friday because that would interfere with my routine.
When the buggy gets released, weather it be this afternoon or tonight, I'm going to go shopping at the Farmers Market. Yes, even if its at 6:00 PM. This is something Id NEVER do before. My routine would allow that.
Also, because I'm not drinking, and I'm eating healthier I'm going to buy myself something fancy, ( but healthy) for dinner this weekend.
Fresh fish. Maybe lobster or crab? Sea Bass, meaty and delicious at $16.00 a pound! Fresh asparagus, mushrooms, maybe some leeks. maybe try some fennel roasted with carrots and beets?

I'm making an effort to use my culinary skills for good, not evil!

Usually to work out I have to run straight to the gym, or in this case straight home or I wont do it. Its like my mind has a time clock and if its past 5:00 I feel like its too late to start. I mean come on ...30 minutes here...ridiculous, right?

So after the market, no matter what time it is, I'm coming home and getting on the treadmill for my second session of the day. NO MATTER WHAT!!

Then I'll make myself a meal of some sort, even though eating late is a bad idea its better than drinking and not exercising so I'm giving myself a pass on this one.

Then bed. Early, on a Friday. Yep.

Not a bad night.
Pray I can stick to my guns.

First thing I need to do after getting off that treadmill tonight is get all the leftover beer and wine out of my house. I purged my pantry and fridge but I didn't throw away the alcohol. I just couldn't bring myself to pitch 50$ worth of beer and 40$ worth of wine. I'm loading it all up in my truck tonight and taking it to my parents house tomorrow to store in the basement until I'm ready to have it back.
Oh sure I can always go to the store to buy more, but I wont. I will NOT.

I know its strange to think that a bad habit can have such a hold on a person and not be alcoholism, and I'm sure some scoffers out there would disagree and say YEP, Check her in to Betty Ford!! I don't think its physical. I think its mental. Bad habits..any habits, usually are.
I hear it takes 3 weeks to break or establish a habit.
We'll see.
GOD HELP ME BE STRONG!!!

Happy New Year

Haven't been here in a while.
December was a crazy month of parties, drinking, eating and boy hunting!
I had a few experiences that I will never forget, and one that has inspired me to get healthy and drop this weight.
Everyone I know ( well almost) is detoxing this month.
No drinking, eat healthy, quit smoking and exercise.
I'm on my second day and I feel great but I'm really in fear of Friday. Weekends are my thing for drinking and being lazy.
The point of all this for most is just to detox. My point is to prove to myself that I can go 20 days without alcohol.
Sure I go 4 or 5 days during the week no problem. Weekend comes though and it like the Jeanie is let out of the bottle.
Its just been a habit Ive kept up for so many years I think its going to be hard.
So I guess that means I have a mental addiction to alcohol?
I think I have an addictive personality anyway. Food for comfort..boredom...treat...reward. Alcohol for the same reasons.


I'm making some major changes this year. I wont call it a resolution because I never do those. January just happens to be a great time of year to do these kind of things. No more parties, its cold and nasty outside and everyone is just kind of burnt out.
One of the things I'm AM doing is to stop saying "I'm going to try.." its I'M DOING IT or nothing at all.
I'm not going to put myself down anymore. I'm not going to blush and feel uncomfortable the next time someone gives me a compliment. I am embracing myself as I am and learning to love ME, and loving myself that much means I will no longer treat myself so badly.
I discovered something a week or so ago. For a long time now I have had moments of real depression. Melt downs where I think, OK, this is it. I'm done with this life. God please let me die. Sometimes I have even whipped out my pistol and played with the thought of using it.
This happened to me recently again. I was overwrought with confusion, frustration, revulsion and grief. I took it out, cocked the trigger and pointed it at my skull.
Then I looked in the barrel. Square into that small dark hole that could end my life as I know it. I was suddenly really scared. I lowered the gun and went to uncock it thinking...OK lets just take a minute here...it wouldn't un-cock. It was stuck there, ready to fire with the slightest touch on the trigger.
I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. I ended up putting it outside in my BBQ grill and the next morning I called my dad to come fix it. Turns out it was something I could have done myself but at the time I couldn't do anything but shake. I told my dad that Id pulled it out in fear of a burglar and cocked it accidentally. I was shaking even watching him fix it and I realized I think for the first time in my life something I haven't ever really thought about this deeply.
I really want to live.
I mean LIVE!! I have wandered through my life for almost 38 years in a haze of fear and self loathing. Buried in a body that holds me back and makes me hide from the light of the world.
Anyone who has ever been really fat knows exactly what I'm talking about.
That fear you get when you step out of your house every day. You could be going to the store, or the park, or just to work, but you feel them. Those people staring at you...judging you.
Well, I cant change them, but I can change me. And it NOT for them, its for ME and me alone.
I really want to travel to Ireland one day, and I really want to be able to wear shorts in the summer time.
I really want to wear just jeans and a t-shirt when its 100 degrees out and not have to layer myself with body suits that hold in the gooo.
Its a miserable way to live, and I refuse to waste one more day. I have time left that will be the best time of my life.
I cant look change what Ive missed out on in the past, but I can reflect on it and use it to inspire my future.
Cheers to me!!! ( with water..) and may this year bring us all what we desire!

So here it is, day 2 of my changes. I intend to keep writing about this as much as possible too. I know no one reads this but Id like to look back on it this time next year and see where I was. For now I have 4 months until the first swim day and that's enough time to make a dimple in my wobbly goo.
6 months until my 38th birthday.
8 months until the beach vacation.
12 months until another new year.
God be with me! Help me to make this change stick for LIFE!
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