Happy New Year

Haven't been here in a while.
December was a crazy month of parties, drinking, eating and boy hunting!
I had a few experiences that I will never forget, and one that has inspired me to get healthy and drop this weight.
Everyone I know ( well almost) is detoxing this month.
No drinking, eat healthy, quit smoking and exercise.
I'm on my second day and I feel great but I'm really in fear of Friday. Weekends are my thing for drinking and being lazy.
The point of all this for most is just to detox. My point is to prove to myself that I can go 20 days without alcohol.
Sure I go 4 or 5 days during the week no problem. Weekend comes though and it like the Jeanie is let out of the bottle.
Its just been a habit Ive kept up for so many years I think its going to be hard.
So I guess that means I have a mental addiction to alcohol?
I think I have an addictive personality anyway. Food for comfort..boredom...treat...reward. Alcohol for the same reasons.


I'm making some major changes this year. I wont call it a resolution because I never do those. January just happens to be a great time of year to do these kind of things. No more parties, its cold and nasty outside and everyone is just kind of burnt out.
One of the things I'm AM doing is to stop saying "I'm going to try.." its I'M DOING IT or nothing at all.
I'm not going to put myself down anymore. I'm not going to blush and feel uncomfortable the next time someone gives me a compliment. I am embracing myself as I am and learning to love ME, and loving myself that much means I will no longer treat myself so badly.
I discovered something a week or so ago. For a long time now I have had moments of real depression. Melt downs where I think, OK, this is it. I'm done with this life. God please let me die. Sometimes I have even whipped out my pistol and played with the thought of using it.
This happened to me recently again. I was overwrought with confusion, frustration, revulsion and grief. I took it out, cocked the trigger and pointed it at my skull.
Then I looked in the barrel. Square into that small dark hole that could end my life as I know it. I was suddenly really scared. I lowered the gun and went to uncock it thinking...OK lets just take a minute here...it wouldn't un-cock. It was stuck there, ready to fire with the slightest touch on the trigger.
I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. I ended up putting it outside in my BBQ grill and the next morning I called my dad to come fix it. Turns out it was something I could have done myself but at the time I couldn't do anything but shake. I told my dad that Id pulled it out in fear of a burglar and cocked it accidentally. I was shaking even watching him fix it and I realized I think for the first time in my life something I haven't ever really thought about this deeply.
I really want to live.
I mean LIVE!! I have wandered through my life for almost 38 years in a haze of fear and self loathing. Buried in a body that holds me back and makes me hide from the light of the world.
Anyone who has ever been really fat knows exactly what I'm talking about.
That fear you get when you step out of your house every day. You could be going to the store, or the park, or just to work, but you feel them. Those people staring at you...judging you.
Well, I cant change them, but I can change me. And it NOT for them, its for ME and me alone.
I really want to travel to Ireland one day, and I really want to be able to wear shorts in the summer time.
I really want to wear just jeans and a t-shirt when its 100 degrees out and not have to layer myself with body suits that hold in the gooo.
Its a miserable way to live, and I refuse to waste one more day. I have time left that will be the best time of my life.
I cant look change what Ive missed out on in the past, but I can reflect on it and use it to inspire my future.
Cheers to me!!! ( with water..) and may this year bring us all what we desire!

So here it is, day 2 of my changes. I intend to keep writing about this as much as possible too. I know no one reads this but Id like to look back on it this time next year and see where I was. For now I have 4 months until the first swim day and that's enough time to make a dimple in my wobbly goo.
6 months until my 38th birthday.
8 months until the beach vacation.
12 months until another new year.
God be with me! Help me to make this change stick for LIFE!
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