Angels and Devils

I think Ive figured out something. The second I start to mentally deny myself a thing I want it that much more.

Its all about that little Devil Monster in my body...( you know, the one with the cocktails and Twinkies?) ..hes always right there to poke me in the chubb and remind me how great I feel so having a beer, or a piece of fried chicken....(or a bucket of chicken and a 12 pack of beer...*drool*) ...is just fine.

Apparently I don't have a moderation button.

Watch your portions? *Pfffft!*

Sure, I'll watch myself measure out a portion...then 2...then 3.

The Devil Monster that lives in my bottomless pit of a belly is a greedy SOB..oh my yes....
Hes a drunkard and a carb junkie. He squeezes my stomach walls making them growl and pokes at me from the inside when I turn down that creamy cheesecake.

Hes a crabby bastard. He is the Devil!!

Aren't we all supposed to have an Angel as well as a Devil inside? I'm thinking at this point my angel is in solitary confinement being tortured by above mentioned Devil Monster.
Shes not allowed to speak up because when she does...*POKE!*...and lets face it being poked ain't all that fun....( well some kinds of poking are good..but I digress..)

This brings me to another thought. Is it very important that you feel supported by your friends and family to accomplish your goals? Or do you need to find your own support ( aka Angel inside) that will kick your Devil Monsters squishy butt out of the way of progress!

I refer to my conversation last night with my sister. I informed her of my plan to stop drinking until St Patties Day and her first response was.."' ummm okay??" like what I had proposed was a bad thing!
I have a theory behind why she always reacts this way when I bring up a new improved plan to better myself.

I love my sister to death but I really think she likes me being in a place where I make HER life happy. In other words, unattached, and available for cocktail hour and or junk food fest whenever she can get away from her annoying husband that even she is growing to not be able to stand.
My sister is a very VERY routine person. Everything she does has a pattern to it.
I guess I'm that way in a sense that breaking a habit is very hard for me to do.

Several years ago she and I started what I refer to as our Sundays.
This began innocently enough with me being bored.
One afternoon as on a lovely spring day she called me up wanting to see if she could come over and hang out for a little bit.
So she did, and we decided to have a cocktail in the sunshine. We ended up doing it again the following weekend, and the next, and the next.
It got to be where we would watch movies all afternoon or sit outside reading, having cocktails and usually some kind of fatty snack ( Devil Monster Luuuuvs my sister) that my sister would bring over.
(This, by the way, was around the time I began to gain weight back)

After a while what started off as an occasional thing turned into a regular event. It is now at the point , ( and has been for more than a year) where she assumes that Sunday is movie / cocktail /pig fest day, and on the occasion that I have actually tried to turn things around shes gotten miffed. Not angry but just trying to turn it back to what it was.

This is funny to me because she actually has been doing WW for a few months now and is actually having great results. Her pig fest days are limited to Sundays I guess. I know she drinks every day though. Shes a small girl to begin with though so her having 3 cocktails is like me having 6.

Anyway, Ive told her before that I want to cut back on the partying and all that and I always get met with this....attitude....I cant explain it exactly accept to say its like she saying "whatever! But I certainly don't think YOU need to worry about such things...now come have a drink with me!!"

Its like I just cant get away from it.

The rest of my peeps are OK about it, until they call or email me about what a lovely day it is outside and all that BS and.."oh wouldn't it be fun to go sit on a patio somewhere and have a few.." blah blah BLAH!!

Today its going to be 72 and Sunny. Chilly but lovely. What Id say would be a great patio day...

I don't have any experience in knowing what true alcoholism is but I sure would like to know if what I'm experiencing is just that, or if it really is the Devil Monster bad habit and that's all.

I did once know a guy that was a true alcoholic. he used to get up in the morning and drink before going to work because if he didn't he would get ill. Ive never even been in that ballpark before so I really have no idea if my problem is all about habit or if I have an addiction that I really need to be concerned about.

Food..booze.
The Devils Advocates.

Taking a breather

Well the weekend went better than expected. I ended up hanging out with The Muffin and his Lovely Wife Sunday night. We cooked dinner ( they ate..I drank) and watched most of the Oscars. My sister was having her annual Oscar Party, which i not only am at every year, but help out by cooking most if not all the food for.
I had already decided not to go this time and asked my sister to just tell everyone I was sick. I couldn't face them. I had no idea what kind of reaction I was going to get because no one had really talked to me about it. Sunday at Muffins was so much fun though, and after a while ( and several cocktails)
I decided to stop by my sisters house. This came after several phone calls from people wondering where I was, so I thought, why not.

As it turned out, they weren't nearly as mad as I had thought ( or been told) and basically it was all agreed that its best to just let this one go. I mean they really couldn't be mad at me for telling the truth.
I have decided, however, that I need to cool it on the drinking for a while.

I was thinking this morning as I was getting ready to come to work how most of the crazy things that have happened in my life have been directly connected to me being drunk.
That may be an exaggeration but it does seem like Ive spent a large part of my 36 years in a fog.


I have been thinking of doing this for a while but it always seemed like there was an event coming up where everyone would be drinking so Id say, OK next month I'll quit for a while. The thing is there's always going to be something.

I really do wonder if my addiction to food is also slightly tied to drinking as well. I mean I go 3 or 4 days without drinking during the week usually but I NEVER EVER go through the weekend without it. Its just what we all do for fun.
I'm ready to make some changes in my life and I think this needs to be one of them.
Oh I'm not saying I'm quitting forever, but honestly not drinking anything for 2 weeks will be a big change in my lifestyle.
For one thing I wont be able to hang out with ANY of my friends because we just don't do weekends without a drink or FIVE!
So Ive decided to give it a go until St Patties Day, which is 18 days away.

18 days should be a walk in the park. They say if you can keep something up for 21 days its officially a habit.
Id like to change this habit I have into having on occasional drink or 3..or 4...or 5 ...but ONLY on the weekends, and not Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday.
I think one night a week should be quite enough.
Also, Id like to think I can have a glass of wine or a drink or 2 and stop with that. i tend to get going and just not know when enough is enough.

Is it possible Ive been trying to treat the wrong habit all these years?
I'm not saying I'm an alcoholic, ( although I'm sure I fit the definition according to AA)
but I definitely know I have issues with it that need to be addressed.


St. Patties day is huge here and we ( the peeps) always go to James Joyce Irish Pub and throw down. If I can hold out for 18 days until then I will be happy and feel OK with having drinks on that day.
If I break my "fast" and go off the wagon, I will know I'm in real trouble and need to get some serious help.
Lets face it folks, if I cant stop myself from having a drink for just over 2 weeks there is a problem!

I am betting I will be fine until Friday, then my routine will want to kick in.
We'll see. I'm a strong person and I KNOW I have the ability to kick this bad habit. I truly believe in my heart that 'a bad habit" is all this is. I feel like if it was a literal physical addiction that when I do go several days without it I would be ill or something, right?
I'm always fine, in fact I'm usually SO fine i feel like a new person!

Just imagine that feeling going on for weeks instead of days. That's what I have to keep in mind.
Also,I just simply get bored. I'm at home by myself on the weekends most of the time and honestly I am entertained by drinking. OK, so I have to find something else to do!
House projects!

I need to stain my deck,
get the yard ready for seed
remove wall paper from second bath and repaint
paint hall way and 1st bathroom
install shelves in office closet
re-caulk bathtub
wash wax and vacuum Scratch ( my truck)
Get negatives together for art show project.

See I have ALOT of things I can be doing.
So for next few weeks I will be checking off my list.
Lets see how far I get!

Id also be willing to bet the added calorie loss from skipping the beers will jump me into a new category of losing weight. Hell that inspiration alone should be enough!!!

Wish me luck!!

Away From The Sun

Its down to this,
I've got to make this life make sense
can anyone tell what I've done?
I miss the life,
I miss the colors of the world
can anyone tell what I am?
Cause now again I've found myself so far down ...away from the sun that shines into the darkest place..
I'm so far down
Away from the sun again.

I'm OVER THIS!
I'm tired of living in the dark, can anyone see me down here?
The feeling is gone.
There's nothing left to lift me up
back into the world I know.


And now , again I've found myself so far down
away from the sun that shines into
the darkest place..I'm so far down
away from the sun that shines to light the way for me
to find my way
back into the arms that care about the ones like me
I'm so far down..
away from the sun again.

Its down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
and now I can't tell what I've done...

And now again I've found myself so far down
away from the sun that shines to light the way for me.

And now , again I've found myself so far down
away from the sun that shines into
the darkest place..I'm so far down
away from the sun that shines to light the way for me
to find my way
back into the arms that care about the ones like me
I'm so far down..
away from the sun again.

I'm gone....

Letting Go

I'm not thinking about my weight right now. Well that's not exactly true because that never really goes away...but i am having other issues that are overtaking that. Of course those issues are making me want to eat and drink like a pig to "relieve my stress".

So is seems after 8 years of friendship several of my best friends are ditching me with no explanation.
No, it hasn't been said to my face, but were just not talking. I saw my best BEST friend last night and he acted like we had nothing to talk about but the weather. I tried to broach the subject that has everyone in such an uproar an he waved me away without even glancing at my face.

This hurt my feelings, pissed me off, and made me think..OK I'm done.
I'm officially done with people that follow their pack mentality of rules that don't allow an individual thought. I'm done with hypocrites that preach being "Forthright and HONEST" then condemn be for being just that.

Decatur, I'm divorcing you!
I wish I could move away and start fresh. No money and no job makes that difficult.
I'm looking into relocating, trying to find a new job. A new life.

I had several thoughts last night lying in the dark waiting for sleep to find me.

Am I really a bad person at heart and that's why this keeps happening to me?

Do I have horrible thoughts about people? Am I hate full, jealous, malicious, thoughtless or just plain mean?

I tried to think of other people that I know and remember what, if any serious indiscretions that have committed since Ive known them. There are a few. There are some that are exactly like mine have been. Why didn't they get the treatment I'm now getting? I can only think its because somehow deep inside they are these wonderful people and I'm a troll.
What other explanation could there be?

I'm glad for one thing right now. My friendship with The Muffin is stronger than ever. He and I went out Wednesday ( I know I said I wasn't going to) and we talked about alot of things. Hes a very inspiring person. Hes very supportive of me and my ideas. He also thinks the reason these people are acting this way is because through my honesty Ive managed to bust them all out to the girl I told the secret too, because they all knew. They are all her good friends yet none of them ever told her.
Is that what the definition of a friend is? I don't think it is.

I'm so sad and depressed today, but I do have one light. Muffin is coming over tonight to hang out for a while, and we ALWAYS have a great time together.

I will miss you my friends because I really thought Id finally gotten there. That core group you just know will see you through thick and thin. I was sorely mistaken.

Goals for the weekend: don't cry, work out, don't overeat. Breathe it in and let it go!

I ate the food..I drank the wine....

So yesterday in the miserable mind set I was in I ended up going home and eating 3 BIG slices of pizza, and drinking a 6 pack of beer.
I also did not get up and work out this morning.
I was actually awake at 4:45AM, which is when i usually get up for the morning jaunt on Bessie, but this morning I looked at the clock, turned my alarm of and slept until 6:15.
I feel tired again, like I could go home and go to bed, ( after dinner of course!!)

Muffin wants to go out after work for drinks. Its VERY hard to say no to him but I think I just might.
I'm sleepy, and he wont be ready to go out for several hours after I get off work. Usually if I go anywhere its got to be right after I leave here or I will get home and not want to leave again.

So my best friend has still not said anything to me about the goings on of the last few days. I don't know if that's because he doesn't know about it or if hes just choosing to wait until I bring it up. I love my friend very much and would do anything for him. I hope hes not angry with me over the mess I seemed to have cause with my good intentions.
(there's that road to Hell again...)

Ironically, most of the people Ive spoken with accept for one are all OK with me telling the truth about this dude to his girlfriend. Perhaps its just that its such a sensitive subject no one that was close to her wanted to be the bad guy and spill the beans. I guess that makes me the bad guy then.

I'm off the track big time. Off on off on off ON...its a never ending cycle. I guess as long as I keep getting back on instead of running totally away from trying then I'm OK. Not great, but OK.
What was it Yoda said? Do or do not..there is no try!!!
HA! Well I guess I'm not doing then.

Tomorrow is my weekly weigh day. I wonder how bad its going to be?

On my own

For a long time now, actually forever I guess, Ive felt like I'm essentially on my own. Like all the relations I have in my life are temporary ( other than my family...well until they die of course) .

When I was growing up I moved around all over the place. My dad was in the Army and we usually were not in one place for longer than a year or two. Consequently my friend making skills were never developed very well.
I usually would attach myself to one person, and maybe have a few others on the fringes. Thinking back though, something always happened to mess things up. Id say or do something "wrong" and that would turn everyone against me.
I think this is where I developed an addiction for food.
No matter what was going on in my life that's the one thing that would always be there for me.

Comforting, soothing, private, mine. Something no one could take away from me.

When my family finally settled here in Georgia I was in the 6th grade. I was already pretty chubby...(well more than chubby but Id been that way so long I didn't even realize just how big I was) and did not make friends easily.
There was one person that I met, however that I ended up sticking with for about 20 years. ( As it turned out this person was not a good person at all, and as I figured out later in life kept me away from others, used me and everyone else he came across, is a liar and a theif...nice huh)
He was just as much of an outcast as I was, and together we grew up ( I grew OUT as well) and pretty much kept to ourselves. I would try here and there to make more friends but E ( we'll call him that) would always find some reason to push any outsiders aside so it was just him and I again.
I always longed to be in a group. I associated that with being normal. Being Popular.

Even today..at 36 years old I find myself feeling like that 12 year old kid trying to make and keep friends...wanting to be well liked..popular.

When E moved to Miami at the age of 21 ( I was 19) I thought my life was over. I had no one to talk to anymore and I felt like I was going to die.
What I did instead was gain about 70 lbs in 6 months.
I started to not leave the house. I quit my job, stopped going to school, and eventually with the help of my sister
( who I love but is in her own way quite happy to keep me fat and alone...this way you see I will never leave her) gained even more weight.
She moved in with me and I became a virtual shut in. Why did I need to gout at all? I had my sister . All I had to do was call her at work and ask her to bring me things and *POUF* I had anything I could shove down my throat. She never denied me a thing
.
I don't blame her mind you. She did what I asked is all.

Eventually she started dating a man, and WE ended up moving into his house. It was the perfect little family. I lived in the basement and they lived upstairs. I cooked delicious meals for the family and she kept the lord and master happy in other ways.
But I was lonely, and still wanted to have my dream of a life with friends...maybe even a man...someone to love..someone to love me.
Eventually I did manage to start getting out. It started slow, but then exploded into a series of several years of practically living in a local bar up the street, which is where I met most of the friends I now have today....( well HAD I guess)

I have had a pretty good core group of friends for about 7 or 8 years now. Not that long when you consider that I'm heading toward 37 years old! I find it pretty poignant that the one real moment in my life that I lost a bunch of weight was when I really developed friendships that lasted more than 6 months or a year.
This process also estranged my sister and I. During the time I lost all the weight I stopped cooking for the family and stared to do things completely on my own with all my new friends. Eventually I moved out of the basement and on my own, which also proved to be a test of my friendships as well as my weight.

Ive said over and over again how great these people are. How they would just do anything for me and are so supportive. This is of course as long as you follow the rules.....wait, no this is if I follow the rules. It seems they only apply to me.

During the time that Ive known these good folks Ive had a few moments where I screwed up and pretty much everyone shunned me, only to come back around in 6 months and graciously forgive me for my never ending ability to mess things up.
Sometimes I genuinely deserved the punishment, and sometimes I thought I was unfairly prosecuted, but when I stood up for myself I was made to feel wrong and stupid.
My words cut off and stomped on like they had no baring on anything.

No one is perfect, and I know of many indiscretions that others have done in my group, but for some reason I'm the only one that gets kicked in the ass for it, even when I believe that Ive really done nothing wrong.

Whats good for the geese ( them) is definitely not good for the gander (me).
So this leaves me wondering...was I better off alone? Was I better off before I met these fine folks?
No, I don't think so, not entirely, but I also don't think I need to have anyone standing over me in constant judgement.
I say it again, no one is perfect.
Why does my life fall apart when certain people in the group get mad at me? What the hell am I so worried about? If I'm actually RIGHT .....SCREW THEM!!!! And lets be fair, I can't ALWAYS be wrong can I?

So I had these thoughts last night as I was straining for sleep. I'm tired. I'm very very tired of always trying to be something in the eyes of people that I will obviously never be able to live up to. I even feel like the one who I call my best BEST friend sometimes wishes very much that I would just disappear.

I feel terrified. I feel like I'm on my own. I know I will come away from this latest scandal with a few survivors but I feel like I need to just go ahead and walk away. Why bother with this whole social thing if all you end up getting is a kick in the teeth? In this town, if a few key players kick you off their team your through in everyones eyes.

I don't want to turn to food right now. I want to think I can survive this while still being on the ball..( the exercise ball that is) but I have already skipped my work out for the last 2 mornings.
Its very hard not to turn to the one thing that's always been there. It doesn't FEEL wrong.

What Id like to do right now is go home ( I'm at work) drink beer all day and eat anything I can get my hands on while watching sad movies.

This is a bad sign.

I wish my friend Anne was here. Shes currently traveling in South America. ( see link on this blog)
That girl is the most inspiring genuine person Ive ever met.
She recognizes that she has faults of her own and doesn't throw out blanket judgement. She also swims against the strongest current. Shes truly her own person.
*cheers to you Anna Banana!!!* ( sipping green tea)

I guess I don't picture myself ever being as alone as I was years ago, but I also wonder if I'm ever going to really have a friend / relationship with someone that I know no matter what I do ( short of killing someone of course!) will hear me before passing judgement, and be forgiving of even my worst mistakes. I'd like to think my friendship is worth the occasional forgiveness we all, at times require.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I really am a selfish worthless person and that's what has always kept me from having this relationship with people. (I am the Devil!! * poking people in the butt with large pitchfork*)

I wish I knew.

For now, I'm going to just try and stay away.

Sticking your foot in it

Honesty. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? We all have people in our lives that will preach that honesty is the best policy.
I would have to include myself in that group because
A) I'm a terrible liar
B) When Ive lied in the past it ALWAYS comes back to bite me in a dimpled chubby ass!

Sometimes however, when you know something that could change another persons life if you tell them, you keep your mouth shut because
A) you don't want to be responsible for forcing that chance upon them
B) you are following the "rules" of your other friends that also have this same information but have chosen to follow the old Its None of My Business thing.

I guess I'm different because I happen to think my friends and families lives ARE my business. If I care about another human being and I know something about their lives that I feel like they would absolutely WANT to know, I'm going to eventually tell them weather its the popular thing to do or not.
This telling of secrets usually pops out after the consumption of lots of alcohol and more than likely a few tearful moments during which I make my Drunken Confession.

I'm known for the Drunken Confessions in my group of people, but I really put my foot in it Saturday night.
Our little group of people is a tight knit bunch and everyone pretty much knows whats going on with everyone else even if you don't want them to.
For a while now theres been an ugly secret among my group, and up until Saturday/Sunday morning it had been held tight by everyone.....until I came along!!
Here's the deal:
about a year ago ( or possibly more) I was made aware of an indiscretion that occurred between a very well known woman and the boyfriend of a woman that I knew...but not that well.
At the time when I found out, I wondered who among the friends of this girl who had been cheated on was going to tell her the grim truth about her boyfriend. Apparently no one was. Why? I wanted to know very much why no one intend to let this girl know that her man had strayed. In my world I thought..Id want to know...most people WOULD want to know, so how are these people really her friends if they wont tell her something so important?

I didn't tell her because I was not close to her at all. I saw her at parties and that was all, until the wee hours of Sunday morning after a night of heavy drinking with said girl.

The girl in question is going through a very hard time right now, and was confiding in me that she felt terrible for putting her dear sweet boyfriend through all her crap. After hearing this for a while I guess I just blew, because I felt suddenly that it was my responsibility to tell her that hes not the guy she thinks he is.
Somewhere in my drunken logic I thought this knowledge would help her....why I don't know.
So its out there now and I'm already getting the fall out from the friends. Disappointment seems to be the biggest thing. Disappointment in me for not keeping my mouth shut.

I ask you, where was the disappointment in the guy, and the woman he screwed around with? Apparently I'm the bad person in this scenario, and frankly I just don't get that.

Yes, I feel bad for spilling the beans but not because I don't think she should know. I feel bad because shes already going through a hard time and I feel like this is just the wrong time to tell her something that huge. When would be a good time though? I guess it SHOULD have been when the incident happened.
I tell you, if I found out something like that a year or more later, and knew my CLOSE friends all knew about it and never told me Id be really upset.

Did I do the right thing? Or should I have let her go on thinking he was a terrific guy and she was just this sapp that was such a burden on his kind shoulders?

Sometime life is such BS.
Your damned if you do and Damned if you don't.

This whole thing brings up feelings Ive had for a long time now about my friends. Not all of them are included in this but Id have to say most in some way are. It seems like every thing I say or do that spouts of independent thinking or action is questioned, or criticized. Its like if I don't go along with the majority opinion I get my ass chewed up.
Why don't I get to think and act the way I want to and they can? Who makes certain people in a group the be all end all word for authority?

Several years ago I was in a situation where I was the other woman and several people knew about what was going on and eventually someone spilled the beans to the wife. I caught hell ( which I absolutely SHOULD have) and he got some heat but not nearly like I did. Ironically one of the people who gave me this hell is the very woman in question in this new love triangle!
Crazy.
Why did my group condemn me for what I did but still embrace these 2 people and act like nothing has happened?
That feels like a big fat lie to me and I hate being a part of it.
I guess I'm not a part of it anymore.
I don't know whats going to happen now. Weather they will stay together, weather the girlfriend will begin a line of questioning with her other friends and if so, weather they will deny knowledge or confess they knew all along.
I can guess that at some point I will be confronted with this mess by him, or the woman he screwed around with and I'm sure that will NOT be pretty.
Should I have kept my mouth shut just because its easier to do that?
Would that make me a better friend?
I don't know but I'm sick of being the scapegoat for everyone. I feel like saying FU to everyone and just living a life alone, without friends at all. After all, if your friends wont be honest with you how close can you really be? Are they really your friends?

This was a strange weekend indeed. I feel like Ive been trampled and I'm scared to go out in public for fear the wolves are already circling, but in my heart I know I did the right thing.

I guess sometimes being right is always going to be wrong in some peoples eyes.

On another note I did not work out all weekend, or this morning. I also ate terribly Sunday. I was still feeling bad from the big night, but I will get back on track tomorrow.
I'm trying to just keep going even when I fall off the pony. I think that's more important than being always on the ball. As long as I keep trying I haven't failed.

TGIF!!

Yay Friday!
I feel much better today. I got up and did my morning work out ( back on track * happy dance*) and I intend to do an afternoon work out when I get off work.
I'm figuring out that the best thing to do on Friday Saturday and Sunday is the 2 a day work outs because that's when most of my calories are consumed, largely because that's the days when I drink.

I love my cocktails but I do know that they are one of the reasons I am overweight. Not just for them empty calories they provide, but also for the weird munchies I get when I am drinking. ( not to mention the lack of self control!!)

I am sort of trying to quit smoking also, so when I drink I tend to want to snack as well instead of smoke.
I'm trying to think whats worse, snacking or smoking!!

I know what your thinking...just quit drinking...( I'm a poet and I didn't know it!!)
Ive cut down to 2 or 3 times a week, and while I'm aware that's more than some people drink its alot less that most of my friends, and also Ive been drinking vodka instead of beer ( oh my how I do love a cold beer!) in the hopes that I will drink less over all, which I do.
I can pound down a ton of beer, but I cant drink that many cocktails. i will, however, be bringing the beer back when the weather warms up. Beer at the pool is just a MUST!!

The only problem Ive been having recently is getting wicked hangovers from the vodka. I hate it when I wake up and I feel like Ive got evil trolls dancing on my head!
Even when I don't have more than 3 or 4 drinks, ( trust me...that's NOTHING for me!)
I'm going to invest in some really good vodka today and try a martini tonight. I figure 2 things, the better the vodka the less likely I'll be hung over, and if I do a martini instead of my usual vodka soda I cant drink that fast so I'll have less.
This is all a theory mind you...I'll let you know how it works out tomorrow!!

So I made brownies last night for a co-worker that's been under the weather. I had one, and have brought the rest to work. I'm hoping they go quickly because I can smell the sinfull chocolate from here!!! What is IN chocolate that makes you feel like you just HAVE to have it? Well I don't know, but I do know I'm praising the Haagen Dazs Gods for creating Fat Free Chocolate Sorbet!!!! Its 2 WW points and delicious! Go HD!!


Goals for the Weekend: work out every day, including my second one today. Don't go over my points!!! get some yard work done.

The Devil Made Me Do It!!

OK...so I went out last night with the peeps. I swear I have no self control sometimes! Oh I'm not going to be mad at myself though. I had a great time and I will make up the lost day/night of work outs tomorrow..and theres always the weekend.
Sometimes I think I just NEED to be bad! Its like I go for several days being a very good girl, then I just explode with badness!!


Thats right folks.....I'm a bad mamma jamma!!


The only real regret I do have about last night is going to get fast food on the way home. Not a good thing.
I ate more than I even wanted I was just on that drunk munchie kick and a burger and fries just sounded great!!
I don't think fast food places should be open at 1AM. This causes problems for the people like me who have had a few ( 9 to be exact) cocktails and then get the munchies! If that place had been closed I would have had to just go home and deal with it!
Maybe I should write the company and complain.

Dear Fast Food Pimps: please stop whoring out your greasy yet tasty food to the not so needy!!


Maybe I should just make the rounds to the local places on my route home and give them a poster of my face with a warning under it: DO NOT SERVE THIS WOMAN!!

I don't eat fast food too often, but more than once every few months ...or years..is too much.
At least I didn't go home and order pizza! Why? BECAUSE THEY WERE CLOSED!!

The worst Valentines Day EVER!!

Ahhh Valentines Day. A "holiday" invented by the greeting card industry to remind us all how much we are loved *insert sappy music here*...or NOT loved, alone, and pathetic. I myself have never had a Valentine, and every year when this day comes around I usually pout and brood over the fact that I'm always alone and no one loves me. WAAAHHH!!
Two years ago on this day my long lost love proposed to his now lovely wife...who by the way is NOT me! *pout*

For anonymity I will refer to him as The Muffin from now on....he will be mentioned again I feel sure.
A little Muffin History: We had a "Thing" back in 2001 for a few months. This was before Id started to gain my weight back, but I still was not thin and he literally told me one day that he couldn't handle me the way I was.."in public". In bed..sure...GREAT in fact, but not with his friends. Hes in a band you see, and that just wouldn't do.... oh my no. Long, sad, tormented story made not so short, we remained friends (after a 6 month period where he wouldn't talk to me at all) and now years later we are close friends, and he confides in me about almost everything. Even things about his lovely wife. She IS lovely by the way...bitch...no not really...I wish I could say she was a horrible person but shes actually great. Of course she is! Shes with the Muffin!!

I was at work the next day when my boss came bounding in asking where The Muffin was because the night before he was going to propose. I was shocked beyond my senses.
I was sitting at my desk staring at the computer and felt my throat tighten up. I couldn't breathe. How could this be? He didn't even tell me! I thought we told each other everything! And besides...he CANT marry HER because I LOVE HIM!!!
I left the office and walked behind the building just in time because suddenly I had no control. I began to cry.
I'm talking the kind of crying that is so horrific that you cant breathe. I called my best friend but couldn't speak accept to scream and hyperventilate. He was out of town ( nice timing when I'm falling apart!! but who knew this would happen??)
I left a message which he couldn't understand, and when he finally called me back he thought maybe my dog had died because he couldn't think of anything that would upset me so much.

I felt terrible. My life was over. Later that morning The Muffin called me and told me himself. I could tell in his voice, in his hesitation, that he knew somewhere inside this was going to hurt.
I acted like I didn't know and congratulated him. I had to keep going to the bathroom to hide my tears all morning at work, until I finally left early because I thought I was going to be sick.

The Muffin will never know how much I felt like my world had ended that day. You see up until then I really thought maybe one day, when I got my weight under control, that he would accept me and we would be together.

Anyway, after going out and getting massively drunk, missing work the following day and seriously considering quitting my job so I never had to see him again...( did I mention we work together so I see him almost every friggin day??!!) I picked up my shattered heart and went on. We all have to, right?

Since then I have dated 3 people, all of which I never really liked nor was remotely attracted to. None of which lasted more than a month. I actually was considering dumping all of them within a week of the start, but in the spirit of trying I went on.
I think Ive been trying to just BE with someone to fill that void that The Muffin left so wounded and so so deep.
The funny thing is, in the last few years Ive begun to develop this life where I really don't want men around that much. I mean sure, a little snuggle and shag now and then is nice, but then I want to be left alone. I figure either I really am becoming a cold hard bitch or Ive honed what I want in a man down to such a specific thing that no one lives up to it enough to have them around for more than an hour or so before they are driving me crazy.
I mean the last guy I dated this past fall...whew! What a piece of work he was! Nice, sweet..not so cute but I tried to "like him for who he was" ( and help him in the grooming department as much as I could) but it turned out who he was, is an overwhelming sapp of a guy that was SO all in my space that even when I told him...no YELLED at him to leave me alone he would just smile and keep right on comin' !!! * shiver* eeeeww...I get all icky feeling when I think of the way he used to just paw all on me all the time! Ugh. *shake it off!*

Well I suppose if it was the "right" guy I wouldn't mind so much, but until then I really must stop dating these pathetic souls that have no spine or personality...not to mention no ability in the *ahem* luv department! That's the worst! I mean at least if Id been able to get a little something out of it physically I might have been able to stand the rest for a little while. Oh well, a girl has to have her standards!!

So this Valentines Day Ive decided to be happy for me. I'm doing so great and Ive never been happier with ME!! ME!! ME!! Fat or thin, today I'm in love with ME and no one else!

( I say this as I peer over my desk and see The Muffin bending over to measure something...*drooling*)
Sorry...temporary insanity.

Good Quote for the week:"If it's not hunger, food won't fix it."


Goals for this week: don't go out drinking with the peeps,( I'm being tempted already today MUST BE STRONG!!) eat well, don't go over my WW points, work out 5 mornings ( 3 down 2 to go whoo hoo!) and 2 afternoons, ( 1 down 1 to go!)

Just a quickie

Everyone likes a quickie now and then, right?
I just had to add that I just finished my second work out of the day. I busted the weights and the treadmill and I feel GREAT!! I ask you, why in the name of ...I was going to say the "G" word but seeing as how Im on a roll here I dont want to piss off the landlord...crap..does that count?
...in the name of.....PETE ( poor Pete..he gets the shit end of the stick so much...) dont I do this every day of my life? What makes me feel like going to a bar or eating so much I feel like a tick a pleasureable thing? Well, the bar..socal time...friends...boys...whatever. Ok so that doesnt count. but getting off track DOES count, and thats usually what happens when I blow the lid off my precious routine, espeshally in this first delicate baby phase. Its all or nothing right now and Im tetering back and forth so much!
Well anyway, Im off to eat a healthy dinner...and not OVER eat! Until tomorrow.

New Hope...wait isint that a Star Wars moive?

OK so I haven't even looked at that first post, or this blog...which we will hereafter refer to as The Purge....since I posted that back in January.
Since that time I have gotten over my pout, well almost. ( my lip still pokes out a little I admit..but its kind of cute) I have at last decided to really do The Purge and keep up with it regularly. So excuse the random form of writing because, well, I writer I ain't.
I will misspell, use bad grammar ( not to mention bad language) and probably have so many random thoughts that nothing will make any sense, but that's me!
I am Sockmonkee Hear me Squeak!

I Digress...on to it....

Like so may goals I make for myself this one seemed to go right out the proverbial window as fast as it came in, but after reading other sites of people just like me who have suffered through this frustrating life as an "obese"
( can we come up with another word for that people ? I mean really..it makes me...and the rest of the world cringe!! Oh wait..maybe its not the word..its the thought of actually BEING obese that make us all cringe...aah that's it..my bad, never mind.)
person I thought ..huh...maybe getting it all out really will help..
So here I am, officially starting over AND with good news. I have started a new routine of getting up every morning...or at least 4 days a week ( that's the max Ive managed so far) and walking the treadmill for 30 minutes.
This triumphant *trumpets please* Return to Fitness Land * taah dahh!* began for me on January 29, 2007 at 5:00 AM.
Scene: I lay awake most of the night. Unable to sleep and dreaming of a life that is no where near what mine currently is and wondering why I let it slip through my fingers.
I look at the clock and think...OK...4:30 AM..I'm going to go back to sleep, but TODAY when I get home from work I'm doing it..I'm WORKING OUT!

This... Bless My Heart... is a routine I am very familiar with. Its all about determination and going forward in the morning, but by the time the day is over I'm usually sitting at my work desk contemplating if I need to go to the grocery store to get something I don't need to eat, or to that lovely little bar down the street to drowned my thoughts ( no sorrows there!) in a couple of Vodka Sodas!
So you see I start out every day with the best of intentions!
Who was it said the road to hell is paved with good intentions? I'll tell ya who...a cute little devil with a Twinkie in one hand and a cocktail in the other!

But I didn't go back to sleep, and in 15 minutes I was getting out of bed and sluggishly putting on sweats, socks, shoes ( very pretty gym shoes..hardly a mark on them..imagine that since they have never actually left the house!)
and moseyed on over to Sockmonkees House Of Pain. Which just so happens to be my gym set up in the next room....lucky me..no commute!
I turned on the TV...news...5AM...smiling shiny news people....*pfft!*
I start to walk...and in a few minutes I walk faster..then more up hill..then faster and in about 15 minutes I feel....BETTER!!
Its true what they say about exercise. Its the best therapy in the world. Funny that I used to know this very well.
When I think of the way I was years ago..I used to put the gym before EVERYTHING. I was known as The Gym Nazi because you couldn't pry me away from my work outs! Where did that girl go?
Shes in here somewhere I know it and I will drag her Nazi ass out kicking and screaming if I have to!
So that was a Monday. By Wednesday I broke down and went to 'the bar' after work, drank too much and was too hung over to do anything Thursday. This usually would break me out of my attempts to start a new routine, but I got right back on that horse and was up at 4:45 Am Friday and back on the treadmill. I even did an extra work out in the afternoon that Tuesday lifting weights and doing strength training.
The next week, however, was not so good. I got a headache Monday that didn't stop until Friday and I did nothing...well accept eat bad food and consume a couple of gallons of alcohol.

I started again with 'The Routine' yesterday. Up at 4:45 and on that bitch Bessy.

I have named my treadmill Bessy. Its a cheery name and reminds me of an old cranky horse, and since I have a habit of naming things that will suit me just fine.

I felt great all day long. Packed a healthy breakfast and lunch. Very WW friendly stuff! Had a good day at work and intended to go home and do my strength training.
As usual, the day wore on and I began to think about maybe NOT working out when I got home, but I pushed that aside and was determined. Even up until I actually walked in the door! The problem was, (or EXCUSE anyway) that I walked in the door hungry. Instead of heading straight to Socks House of Pain I got out the turkey breast Id smoked on the grill the day before. I was just going to have a little bit to curve my hunger until after I worked out. I even weighed it like a good WW drone! Ten minutes later Id eaten 7 oz, which in WW land is 8.5 points. Then once I was started I just kept going.
I overate. I mean REALLY overate. I had what must have been enough pasta (... but its whole wheat!!) and broccoli for 4 people. For some reason I was just unstoppable!
I was not so hungry that I ate anything that was too terrible..(accept that little piece...OK half a bar....OK A WHOLE BAR! GEESH!.. of milk chocolate that my sister left of the table the day before...mmmmm chocolate..)
Needless to say my Weight Watchers points were over...even with the swap of exercise points you get.
Oh well. Another day another 2 lbs up!

On a positive note, I got had gotten calls from 3 friends wanting me to meet them out for a drink and I said no to that, so maybe the overeating out of frustration and boredom was worth it. Trade one vice for another?

So now were caught up...blow off the past on with the future.

We are finally to TODAY! I decided that becasue of my pasta -broccoli -turkey gorge last night I needed to prepare some healthy snacks for work so I would not be so hungry when I get home. ( as I sit here munching on sugar snap pea pods...yummie). I fully intend to work out when I get home so hopefully the inspiration will not die int he next 5 hours!

End Note:
From now on I want to keep up this Purge on a regular basis since this has turned into much longer than a mere "post".
Along with that Id like to set mini goals and see how I do.
Adventure...without ever leaving my home town.

Will she make it? Will she have the courage? Tune in next time for another episode of The Sockmonkees Guide to the Galaxy!!

Goals for this week: don't go out drinking with the peeps, eat well, don't go over my WW points, work out 5 mornings ( 2 down already whoo hoo!) and 2 afternoons.