If you had told me this time last week that Id be getting ready to go to the hospital with my sister who is having a bowel resection Id have said your crazy.
Yet here I am, watching the clock go and waiting to leave.
Cancer. What a foul word, and how fast it can rear its ugly head.
One minute you think your fine then next your driving to the hospital to have organs removed.
Well, one things for sure, it puts life into perspective.
What, and who is important. Issues you can suddenly let go, and others that become even more pressing.
Shes going to be OK, I know it in my heart, but I cant help but think about what could happen.
Time has not allowed me to wrap my mind around it yet.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Nope
Still haven't been. I haven't even bothered to pack my bag this week yet. Part of my problem I think is I'm dog ass tired!!
Certain health issues are draining me I think.
Doctors freak me out.
The thought of being poked or heaven forbid SEEN NAKED or even just partially naked is enough to send me into cold sweats and tears.
I'm going to have to go though because clearly something is wrong with me.
I'm not even scared of what it might be. I'm scared of the examination process.
On a different note, I went out for the first time in a month this past Saturday night with what I'm thinking are going to be some new good friends. Just in time to replace the bunch Ive recently decided to flush.
Oh the old crowd was out as well and drama tried to rear its ugly head but I shut it down.
having to tell someone at a bar while your having fun to "Damn just let it the fuck go!!' is annoying, and a total reminder of why I decided to let them go in the first place.
On another annoying note, Juan was there, and this being the first time Ive seen him since..well, a month ago I was nervous, but I looked great and I knew it so I felt a little better.
I also got a booty call ext at 2:45 Am which I didn't answer and was irritated about, but I thought, well, at least hes still interested...that is until I found out the next day that he was hitting on the girl I was hanging out with...
what a rat.
Well that's the life of a player! And yes I hate the player right along with the game!
Certain health issues are draining me I think.
Doctors freak me out.
The thought of being poked or heaven forbid SEEN NAKED or even just partially naked is enough to send me into cold sweats and tears.
I'm going to have to go though because clearly something is wrong with me.
I'm not even scared of what it might be. I'm scared of the examination process.
On a different note, I went out for the first time in a month this past Saturday night with what I'm thinking are going to be some new good friends. Just in time to replace the bunch Ive recently decided to flush.
Oh the old crowd was out as well and drama tried to rear its ugly head but I shut it down.
having to tell someone at a bar while your having fun to "Damn just let it the fuck go!!' is annoying, and a total reminder of why I decided to let them go in the first place.
On another annoying note, Juan was there, and this being the first time Ive seen him since..well, a month ago I was nervous, but I looked great and I knew it so I felt a little better.
I also got a booty call ext at 2:45 Am which I didn't answer and was irritated about, but I thought, well, at least hes still interested...that is until I found out the next day that he was hitting on the girl I was hanging out with...
what a rat.
Well that's the life of a player! And yes I hate the player right along with the game!
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Ready, set GO!
I chickened out.
I was on the way to the appointment and pulled over to the side of the road. Called the office and cancelled.
Got home, thought about it and decided that what I need...what I REALLY NEED..is to get back to the gym.
Maybe I'm scared of therapy. Maybe not. Maybe I just physically feel bad and I KNOW what makes me feel better.
What I have to figure out is how to KEEP GOING.
Why do I go for a week, feel great then crap out the next?
This is what i need to figure out, and I don't think a shrink can help me do that. Its will power and self discipline, and its in me somewhere.
So Ive packed my bag again today and I feel good. I feel like I know I'm not going to crap out this afternoon. I will show up.
I was on the way to the appointment and pulled over to the side of the road. Called the office and cancelled.
Got home, thought about it and decided that what I need...what I REALLY NEED..is to get back to the gym.
Maybe I'm scared of therapy. Maybe not. Maybe I just physically feel bad and I KNOW what makes me feel better.
What I have to figure out is how to KEEP GOING.
Why do I go for a week, feel great then crap out the next?
This is what i need to figure out, and I don't think a shrink can help me do that. Its will power and self discipline, and its in me somewhere.
So Ive packed my bag again today and I feel good. I feel like I know I'm not going to crap out this afternoon. I will show up.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Day one?
SO this afternoon is my appointment with the shrink for an "evaluation". Ive been going over in my head what I am going to say to this man and I come up with all kinds of things but I'm not even sure if were even going to that place today.
As far as I know I'm just going to be figuring out what kind of help / Dr. I need.
I asked for a female but this guy was the only one available in the time frame I can do so I'm stuck for now.
I don't know what it is about me and male doctors of any kind. I just don't feel comfortable with them. Maybe it was the bad experience with Dr. Frenchie so long ago, but I think not.
I think I'm self conscious with any male figure no matter what the genre. I'm always thinking about what they are thinking about me. This runs from young kids to old men. I am always thinking about what mental judgements they are passing on me when they look at me.
Hey, maybe that's where we should start today!!
I'M not sure if I'm even going to be able to afford to keep going and I sure don't know how Id explain it to my parents, ( who of course are paying the bill).
They think I'm going to my regular Dr. today. This is something I've been putting off too.
I HATE going to the yearly womens Dr visit. I MEAN I HATE HATE HATE IT!
I cry every time. I get so nervous that my blood pressure is through the roof and this year I'm particularly worried because not only have I been having female problems, but I'm afraid when they weigh me the insurance company will drop me.
Last year when I went it was my first visit with this insurance where they weighed me and the girl wrote my weight down wrong by 100lbs. I didn't bother to correct her.
Maybe she looked at the scale and it was so much it just didn't register in her head.
In any case I'm scared that when they get the correct weight Kaiser will drop me, or hike my rate up so high I cant afford to pay it.
I don't pay it now actually, my parents do, but I cant ask them to pay even more. Its already over $200 a month.
Crazy.
Health insurance in America is a bitch.
I went without it for years, and only got it 3 years ago but now I'm afraid not to have it.
As I get older and my body begins to show the damage Ive inflicted on it over the years I'm afraid I will really need it one day and I wont have it because I'm fat.
Last winter I was devastated to find out Kaiser doesn't cover weight loss surgery of any kind, and on top of that I couldn't get coverage from another carrier....even when i lied about my actual weight.
Anyway, I hope it all turns out well this afternoon, but I'm not getting my hopes up. My dealings with the medical community thus far in my life have never been very good.
I guess what I'm looking to get out of this is the ability to love myself the way I am, because its pretty obvious that this is the way I'm going to be, or at least close to it...for the rest of my life, and I'm sick of being sick of ME.
As far as I know I'm just going to be figuring out what kind of help / Dr. I need.
I asked for a female but this guy was the only one available in the time frame I can do so I'm stuck for now.
I don't know what it is about me and male doctors of any kind. I just don't feel comfortable with them. Maybe it was the bad experience with Dr. Frenchie so long ago, but I think not.
I think I'm self conscious with any male figure no matter what the genre. I'm always thinking about what they are thinking about me. This runs from young kids to old men. I am always thinking about what mental judgements they are passing on me when they look at me.
Hey, maybe that's where we should start today!!
I'M not sure if I'm even going to be able to afford to keep going and I sure don't know how Id explain it to my parents, ( who of course are paying the bill).
They think I'm going to my regular Dr. today. This is something I've been putting off too.
I HATE going to the yearly womens Dr visit. I MEAN I HATE HATE HATE IT!
I cry every time. I get so nervous that my blood pressure is through the roof and this year I'm particularly worried because not only have I been having female problems, but I'm afraid when they weigh me the insurance company will drop me.
Last year when I went it was my first visit with this insurance where they weighed me and the girl wrote my weight down wrong by 100lbs. I didn't bother to correct her.
Maybe she looked at the scale and it was so much it just didn't register in her head.
In any case I'm scared that when they get the correct weight Kaiser will drop me, or hike my rate up so high I cant afford to pay it.
I don't pay it now actually, my parents do, but I cant ask them to pay even more. Its already over $200 a month.
Crazy.
Health insurance in America is a bitch.
I went without it for years, and only got it 3 years ago but now I'm afraid not to have it.
As I get older and my body begins to show the damage Ive inflicted on it over the years I'm afraid I will really need it one day and I wont have it because I'm fat.
Last winter I was devastated to find out Kaiser doesn't cover weight loss surgery of any kind, and on top of that I couldn't get coverage from another carrier....even when i lied about my actual weight.
Anyway, I hope it all turns out well this afternoon, but I'm not getting my hopes up. My dealings with the medical community thus far in my life have never been very good.
I guess what I'm looking to get out of this is the ability to love myself the way I am, because its pretty obvious that this is the way I'm going to be, or at least close to it...for the rest of my life, and I'm sick of being sick of ME.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Physican Examine Thyself
Ive been thinking a lot about my
decision Tuesday to begin ...well maybe anyway...therapy.
It makes me think way back ( old feeble decaying mind reaches into dusty archives) to when I was 17 and about to go off to college. My weight was a problem...when has it not been.
So my mom and I went hopefully off to the Decatur Hospital which had what I
kindly referred to as The Fat Factory.
This lovely facility is where they break you down mentally to the limp noodle you would much rather be putting in your mouth than becoming..and build you back up into a healthy machine of drinking your 1000 calories a day, (YES thank you I just LOVE powdered ChIKin SooP)
We met with a strange man..god I wish I could remember his name! I do remember he was French and a total ( pardon MY French..) ASSHOLE!
He came in the office where we ..dear mummy and me... sat nervously on the edge of our chairs, waiting for this man, this miracle of the medical community, to present us with the solution that had eluded me for so long all my lumpy life.
Gastric Bypass.
The procedure in 1988 was still relatively new and a BIG FAT DEAL, so you can imagine what shape I was in for my mother to want me to risk my life for this surgery.
Not that its not a big deal now, it certainly is, but back then I think the general public actually viewed it as a big deal. Now it seems like when you have 20 lbs to lose people look at you and say..well why don't you just get that surgery?
Sorry folks..it ain't that easy.
Anyway..I digress..
So he..this man of science looks at me and in front of my mother begins to ask me a string of the most embarrassing questions Ive ever had to answer in my life...well up to that time anyway.
Do you ever look at other womens bodies and envy them? yes..
So you look at pictures of naked women? ....umm not usually...
Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror naked? ...NO! ( which was a lie..but god in front of my MOTHER??!!)
When you do..do you touch yourself? (No..he didnt say that last one...but it sure felt like it was headed that way!
Then on to..
Do you feel shame when you see people looking at you eating? ...sometimes...
Do you realize how much you eat every day? ...yes I think so...
Do you know what you are doing to your body? ....no answer...
These he did ask. I remember.
These are the ones I really remember the most but the inquest persisted for a good half hour.
When Heir Frenchie finally shut is cruel trap I thought OK. Well on to the next step.
So what about that surgery mac?
His suggestion to me was that I lose 80 lbs on a liquid diet..which I could conveniently buy there... and then come back for liposuction.
So he packed us off with mock ChIKIn Poop..I mean SOUP..and other assorted vile flavors of this protein shale crap and said good luck!!! See you in 4 months!!
No surgery, but I was going to be eating the same stuff that you did when you got the surgery, I just didn't have a tiny pouch to fill it with. I had The Monster to satisfy.
I go home. I was more depressed than I was when we went.
As it happened it was dinner time when we got home, or close to it and my mom began to prepare something like baked chicken and veggies for dinner.
Suddenly, as I looked into the plastic bag provided to me by Mr. Frenchie assistant #1 that contained my meals for the next 3 months I started to cry.
I went to my room. Trying to avoid the smells of dinner and cried so hard I thought I was going to be sick.
( actually remembering it now makes me tear up..no joke)
A little later my mom came up and told me it was time for "dinner" and I went down and made a HUGE bowl full of the Mock ChiKin poop, took it back up to my room and swallowed it as best as I could. I drank it all. I was that hungry.
Over the next few weeks I tried as hard as I could to stick to that liquid diet and not cheat. I even sat in front of a gospel program on TV thinking,..OK, I'll write to them and maybe if they pray for me it will help.
So I send off my letter pleading for help with my weight and my sores that I had begin to claw into my skin out of nervous frustration..( yeah thats another story) and my 5$ donation..just in case.
A few weeks later after I get a response back saying thank you for your donation. We are praying for your WRIST and your SONS to be healed....I guess they couldnt read my handwriting...
Anyway, the liquid diet...pfft! It didn't last. My will to eat became stronger than ever and I began to sneak things so my mom wouldn't be disappointed in me and still slurped down the vile shakes.
I even started to try and make myself vomit but never could quite get there.
I left for college and started to really lose weight for the first time in my life. But that was because for 5 months I didn't go to the cafeteria, for fear of eating in front of strangers and was
living off the Lipton Cup -O - Soup my mom had sent me in a care package.
One time I got so hungry I actually broke into my suite mates room while they were home for the weekend and raided their food stash. I left a note of apology with a 20$ bill and said it was a friend of mine in another dorm that was hungry and drunk and needed the food.
I did lose weight then though. A lot of it. But soon after coming home I started to gain it back and didn't stop until I topped the scale 7 years ago at close to 400 lbs.
Sometimes I think about that time at Dr. Frenchies office and wonder. What would my life be like now if I had been allowed to have the surgery then?
I cant have it now as an adult because my insurance wont cover it, but then it would have.
What if Id had a decent Dr that listened and didn't make me feel horrified?
I entered with hope, and left feeling ashamed and more embarrassed and hopeless than I had when I came through the big fat doors!
Ive carried these thoughts and so much more with me for so long. Ive tried to explain them to different people here and there in my life but I cant seem to get the real impact out.
I'm not saying that one Dr. or once incident in general fucked me up entirely, but I will say I'm 37 years old and I can still see his face and hear his voice.
I don't remember being as afraid to eat in public as I was after meeting with him, although the fear was there before for sure.
I don't remember spending endless hours examining my body in the mirror and crying before that, but I did afterwards.
I still feel in many ways like I'm still 17. Trying to fit in, have a normal life. My life is going by me in a flash and I'm still mentally in high school.
I guess I am just hoping that by going to a good Dr maybe I will be able to find what it is in me that keeps me going back to the comfort of food and further away from my real self that been buried for so very long.
decision Tuesday to begin ...well maybe anyway...therapy.
It makes me think way back ( old feeble decaying mind reaches into dusty archives) to when I was 17 and about to go off to college. My weight was a problem...when has it not been.
So my mom and I went hopefully off to the Decatur Hospital which had what I
kindly referred to as The Fat Factory.
This lovely facility is where they break you down mentally to the limp noodle you would much rather be putting in your mouth than becoming..and build you back up into a healthy machine of drinking your 1000 calories a day, (YES thank you I just LOVE powdered ChIKin SooP)
We met with a strange man..god I wish I could remember his name! I do remember he was French and a total ( pardon MY French..) ASSHOLE!
He came in the office where we ..dear mummy and me... sat nervously on the edge of our chairs, waiting for this man, this miracle of the medical community, to present us with the solution that had eluded me for so long all my lumpy life.
Gastric Bypass.
The procedure in 1988 was still relatively new and a BIG FAT DEAL, so you can imagine what shape I was in for my mother to want me to risk my life for this surgery.
Not that its not a big deal now, it certainly is, but back then I think the general public actually viewed it as a big deal. Now it seems like when you have 20 lbs to lose people look at you and say..well why don't you just get that surgery?
Sorry folks..it ain't that easy.
Anyway..I digress..
So he..this man of science looks at me and in front of my mother begins to ask me a string of the most embarrassing questions Ive ever had to answer in my life...well up to that time anyway.
Do you ever look at other womens bodies and envy them? yes..
So you look at pictures of naked women? ....umm not usually...
Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror naked? ...NO! ( which was a lie..but god in front of my MOTHER??!!)
When you do..do you touch yourself? (No..he didnt say that last one...but it sure felt like it was headed that way!
Then on to..
Do you feel shame when you see people looking at you eating? ...sometimes...
Do you realize how much you eat every day? ...yes I think so...
Do you know what you are doing to your body? ....no answer...
These he did ask. I remember.
These are the ones I really remember the most but the inquest persisted for a good half hour.
When Heir Frenchie finally shut is cruel trap I thought OK. Well on to the next step.
So what about that surgery mac?
His suggestion to me was that I lose 80 lbs on a liquid diet..which I could conveniently buy there... and then come back for liposuction.
So he packed us off with mock ChIKIn Poop..I mean SOUP..and other assorted vile flavors of this protein shale crap and said good luck!!! See you in 4 months!!
No surgery, but I was going to be eating the same stuff that you did when you got the surgery, I just didn't have a tiny pouch to fill it with. I had The Monster to satisfy.
I go home. I was more depressed than I was when we went.
As it happened it was dinner time when we got home, or close to it and my mom began to prepare something like baked chicken and veggies for dinner.
Suddenly, as I looked into the plastic bag provided to me by Mr. Frenchie assistant #1 that contained my meals for the next 3 months I started to cry.
I went to my room. Trying to avoid the smells of dinner and cried so hard I thought I was going to be sick.
( actually remembering it now makes me tear up..no joke)
A little later my mom came up and told me it was time for "dinner" and I went down and made a HUGE bowl full of the Mock ChiKin poop, took it back up to my room and swallowed it as best as I could. I drank it all. I was that hungry.
Over the next few weeks I tried as hard as I could to stick to that liquid diet and not cheat. I even sat in front of a gospel program on TV thinking,..OK, I'll write to them and maybe if they pray for me it will help.
So I send off my letter pleading for help with my weight and my sores that I had begin to claw into my skin out of nervous frustration..( yeah thats another story) and my 5$ donation..just in case.
A few weeks later after I get a response back saying thank you for your donation. We are praying for your WRIST and your SONS to be healed....I guess they couldnt read my handwriting...
Anyway, the liquid diet...pfft! It didn't last. My will to eat became stronger than ever and I began to sneak things so my mom wouldn't be disappointed in me and still slurped down the vile shakes.
I even started to try and make myself vomit but never could quite get there.
I left for college and started to really lose weight for the first time in my life. But that was because for 5 months I didn't go to the cafeteria, for fear of eating in front of strangers and was
living off the Lipton Cup -O - Soup my mom had sent me in a care package.
One time I got so hungry I actually broke into my suite mates room while they were home for the weekend and raided their food stash. I left a note of apology with a 20$ bill and said it was a friend of mine in another dorm that was hungry and drunk and needed the food.
I did lose weight then though. A lot of it. But soon after coming home I started to gain it back and didn't stop until I topped the scale 7 years ago at close to 400 lbs.
Sometimes I think about that time at Dr. Frenchies office and wonder. What would my life be like now if I had been allowed to have the surgery then?
I cant have it now as an adult because my insurance wont cover it, but then it would have.
What if Id had a decent Dr that listened and didn't make me feel horrified?
I entered with hope, and left feeling ashamed and more embarrassed and hopeless than I had when I came through the big fat doors!
Ive carried these thoughts and so much more with me for so long. Ive tried to explain them to different people here and there in my life but I cant seem to get the real impact out.
I'm not saying that one Dr. or once incident in general fucked me up entirely, but I will say I'm 37 years old and I can still see his face and hear his voice.
I don't remember being as afraid to eat in public as I was after meeting with him, although the fear was there before for sure.
I don't remember spending endless hours examining my body in the mirror and crying before that, but I did afterwards.
I still feel in many ways like I'm still 17. Trying to fit in, have a normal life. My life is going by me in a flash and I'm still mentally in high school.
I guess I am just hoping that by going to a good Dr maybe I will be able to find what it is in me that keeps me going back to the comfort of food and further away from my real self that been buried for so very long.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Failure again
Didn't go again.
Did call a Dr and make an appointment for an "evaluation" by a psychiatrist. Maybe I need to sort some things out? Maybe I need to learn how to really love myself?
We'll see what happens Monday. I'm scared to go but I guess it cant hurt.
Did call a Dr and make an appointment for an "evaluation" by a psychiatrist. Maybe I need to sort some things out? Maybe I need to learn how to really love myself?
We'll see what happens Monday. I'm scared to go but I guess it cant hurt.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Monday, October 1, 2007
Slob!
I have officially been a lazy slob for 2 weeks. Eating out of control, drinking too much and not going to the gym.
Ive packed my bag today as usual and have every intention of going to the gym after work. Will I make it? I hope I don't crap out.
I cant understand why I allow myself to give up when I know it makes me feel better. Im just so tired.
Last night while trying to sleep I was thinking to myself that bypass or lap band surgery might be my only hope, which is totally hopeless because my insurance company does cover any type of weight loss surgery.
I'm fucked.
When I think of it in these terms I get very depressed, so I try not to think of it, but its always looming out there really.
So what do I do? How do I help myself? I know what to do and how to do it I just cant seem to MAKE myself stick with it long enough to do any good.
I'm also trying very hard to be as positive as I can be about myself but its hard to maintain that all the time.
Right now I feel very sleepy.
I could crawl up in bed and just sleep.
Wouldn't I be lucky if I could find a job sleeping? That's it. Just put me in a coma and hook me up to a dream machine where in my mind I'm living a free and fun life...and married to Brad Pitt...
You know what, right now Id be so ashamed of my looks if I ever actually had the opportunity to meet that man that Id probably hide and not let him see me.
That's not positive thinking, but its true.
I remember a couple of years ago my sister Elise getting mad at me for not wanting to go someplace with her because I was in shorts. I was in a car with her and our friend Nancy at the beach and we were taking a joyride in Nancy's hot red Mustang convertible.
Id been talked into going at the last minute and had not changed out of my shorts that I reside in 24/7 at the beach ( unless being forced to go out in public)
On the way back to the house they decided we should go get wings and beer at a local bar. I of course said no way and my sister thought I was being ridiculous.
I remember her saying .."Becky, your not a monster!" but that's how I feel a lot of times.
Like the Grendel in Beowulf. The hulking green beast everyone stares at and is afraid of knowing because it LOOKS so frightening.
Society is a cruel bitch a lot of times and until you walk in my shoes you can not imagine how bad it gets.
Not feeling sorry for myself.
I'm mad and disappointed in myself and frustrated that I don't follow through with things. I feel like I'm just always going to be running in this terrible circle and never getting anywhere.
What do I do?
Ive packed my bag today as usual and have every intention of going to the gym after work. Will I make it? I hope I don't crap out.
I cant understand why I allow myself to give up when I know it makes me feel better. Im just so tired.
Last night while trying to sleep I was thinking to myself that bypass or lap band surgery might be my only hope, which is totally hopeless because my insurance company does cover any type of weight loss surgery.
I'm fucked.
When I think of it in these terms I get very depressed, so I try not to think of it, but its always looming out there really.
So what do I do? How do I help myself? I know what to do and how to do it I just cant seem to MAKE myself stick with it long enough to do any good.
I'm also trying very hard to be as positive as I can be about myself but its hard to maintain that all the time.
Right now I feel very sleepy.
I could crawl up in bed and just sleep.
Wouldn't I be lucky if I could find a job sleeping? That's it. Just put me in a coma and hook me up to a dream machine where in my mind I'm living a free and fun life...and married to Brad Pitt...
You know what, right now Id be so ashamed of my looks if I ever actually had the opportunity to meet that man that Id probably hide and not let him see me.
That's not positive thinking, but its true.
I remember a couple of years ago my sister Elise getting mad at me for not wanting to go someplace with her because I was in shorts. I was in a car with her and our friend Nancy at the beach and we were taking a joyride in Nancy's hot red Mustang convertible.
Id been talked into going at the last minute and had not changed out of my shorts that I reside in 24/7 at the beach ( unless being forced to go out in public)
On the way back to the house they decided we should go get wings and beer at a local bar. I of course said no way and my sister thought I was being ridiculous.
I remember her saying .."Becky, your not a monster!" but that's how I feel a lot of times.
Like the Grendel in Beowulf. The hulking green beast everyone stares at and is afraid of knowing because it LOOKS so frightening.
Society is a cruel bitch a lot of times and until you walk in my shoes you can not imagine how bad it gets.
Not feeling sorry for myself.
I'm mad and disappointed in myself and frustrated that I don't follow through with things. I feel like I'm just always going to be running in this terrible circle and never getting anywhere.
What do I do?
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