Friday, April 23, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
YOUR FIRED!!
HA! I wish.
I cant quit and I cant manage to get let go either. Ironic.
I feel like I'm in prison.
OK ok maybe a bit of an exaggeration.
Its a good job, I just hate it.
I swear I cant remember a time in my life that Ive felt more miserable, downtrodden or depressed.
I'm trying to pull myself out of it but I feel this huge weight on me, and for once its not my actual weight (which these days is rising like crazy due to my lack of exercise / eating everything bad in sight) and I really believe its the job.
Sadly if I do get fired I have no idea if I would even be able to collect unemployment until I found something else or am (hopefully) able to get my photography business going, and if I cant, then I'm totally fucked. Id be in default of all my bills including my mortgage within a month.
Sad. I'm turning 40 in just under 2 months and I feel like I have a totally shitty life. I know its not sure but I just feel SO BAD!!
Ok things I appreciate and know I'm lucky to have:
1. My family. Best in the world. There for me without question.
2. My friends. Again, best in the world. There for me without question.
3. Even though I hate it, my job. I know I'm lucky to have it and it drives me crazy that I just haven't been able to fit into the mold to make it work.
4. My home and my dog. ( actually the dog should be part of #1) Even though I complain about all the work my house needs and the hood I live in, its a nice house over all and I'm lucky to have it.
5. All my cool stuff. My STUFF. Including computers, camera equipment, clothes, kitchen stuff, nice furniture, pretty much everything that I need to be super comfortable, and tons of shoes!
So why cant I just embrace these things and just let it be? Just BE HAPPY!
I don't know.
I wish I could, and if I cant I pray for the will and drive to change it. I think of trying to start my own business and how hard its going to be to make it work and how much easier it is just to get up and go to a job. Well, in theory anyway. I feel like in my soul getting up to make my own money for my own business that I'm proud of will GET me out of bed and MAKE me work for it.
Now it never did before. All the years that I had the opportunity to do something I just pissed it away. Enjoying my free time and not doing anything.
I'm making an effort right now to do one shoot a weekend to build my portfolio. That's step one. Step two is to get my web site going and work on a business plan so I can hopefully get a loan. God if I could just make that work id quit the day I got the check in the bank!!
I'm sure my parents would freak out. DON'T QUIT UNTIL YOU GET ANOTHER JOB!!! Well to me working on the future of my business IS a full time job. Its so hard to get this going while working at this place, but I'm going to stick it out as long as I have to. (still secretly hoping to get laid off)
oh well.
I cant quit and I cant manage to get let go either. Ironic.
I feel like I'm in prison.
OK ok maybe a bit of an exaggeration.
Its a good job, I just hate it.
I swear I cant remember a time in my life that Ive felt more miserable, downtrodden or depressed.
I'm trying to pull myself out of it but I feel this huge weight on me, and for once its not my actual weight (which these days is rising like crazy due to my lack of exercise / eating everything bad in sight) and I really believe its the job.
Sadly if I do get fired I have no idea if I would even be able to collect unemployment until I found something else or am (hopefully) able to get my photography business going, and if I cant, then I'm totally fucked. Id be in default of all my bills including my mortgage within a month.
Sad. I'm turning 40 in just under 2 months and I feel like I have a totally shitty life. I know its not sure but I just feel SO BAD!!
Ok things I appreciate and know I'm lucky to have:
1. My family. Best in the world. There for me without question.
2. My friends. Again, best in the world. There for me without question.
3. Even though I hate it, my job. I know I'm lucky to have it and it drives me crazy that I just haven't been able to fit into the mold to make it work.
4. My home and my dog. ( actually the dog should be part of #1) Even though I complain about all the work my house needs and the hood I live in, its a nice house over all and I'm lucky to have it.
5. All my cool stuff. My STUFF. Including computers, camera equipment, clothes, kitchen stuff, nice furniture, pretty much everything that I need to be super comfortable, and tons of shoes!
So why cant I just embrace these things and just let it be? Just BE HAPPY!
I don't know.
I wish I could, and if I cant I pray for the will and drive to change it. I think of trying to start my own business and how hard its going to be to make it work and how much easier it is just to get up and go to a job. Well, in theory anyway. I feel like in my soul getting up to make my own money for my own business that I'm proud of will GET me out of bed and MAKE me work for it.
Now it never did before. All the years that I had the opportunity to do something I just pissed it away. Enjoying my free time and not doing anything.
I'm making an effort right now to do one shoot a weekend to build my portfolio. That's step one. Step two is to get my web site going and work on a business plan so I can hopefully get a loan. God if I could just make that work id quit the day I got the check in the bank!!
I'm sure my parents would freak out. DON'T QUIT UNTIL YOU GET ANOTHER JOB!!! Well to me working on the future of my business IS a full time job. Its so hard to get this going while working at this place, but I'm going to stick it out as long as I have to. (still secretly hoping to get laid off)
oh well.
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