Every morning after waking up and doing the usual business of letting the puppy out and such I get on the scale.
I know I know, your not supposed to get on the scale every day, but honestly it helps me keep myself in check.
Anyway, so I have this dry erase board on my gym room wall. Its got the empty squares for the days of the month on it and I use it to keep track of my weight daily as well as monthly.
Each month on the first and last day I record it and over the months I can compare the changes. Up, down, up down.
This month I'm actually closer to my goal that I had thought.
16 pounds to go until my goal of 30 pound loss by June 12Th.
That works out to be about 2.5 lbs ( give or take) a week.
This last month I have averaged a consistent 1 lb a week loss, with a surprising 4 lb jump today, just in time for the end of the month recording. Of course tomorrow morning I might get on the scale and see those 4 lbs back again, but its encouraging none the less.
Gwenn is coming in 22 days. Id like to reach my 30 lbs loss by then. I get so frustrated with myself because (not so deep down inside) I KNOW I'm not trying as hard as I can.
I know if I really kick myself in the ass for the next 22 days, even if I give myself a splurge day ( one...not 5) I will be able to pull it off.
This is a very important 16 lbs too. This will push me past the mark that Ive been unable to get past for the last year or 2 since I ballooned back up to this horrible size. I need this to happen.
Ive been preying to get this ball rolling for so many years now and I do it for a week then off for a week.
I suppose I could argue that its better than off 3 on one, which I have also been guilty of.
I'm just so sick of not being consistent!!!
No one can do this but me, I know.
The most frustrating part of all of this is that I was there once. I really was. Exercising every day to the point of nausea. Eating ( or not eating at all) healthy food, dropping massive amounts of weight, feeling like a different person.
A new friend of mine recently was at my house and saw a picture of me at about 70 lbs lighter than I am now. She didn't recognize me.
The truth is looking back I know I was so close to meeting the goal Ive always wanted my whole fat life back then, and I just pissed it away.
So I cant look back. I have to move forward. Nothing is accomplished by looking back like that and wishing.... if only.
Its not going to change the fact that I still have to exercise and eat right to get my ass back to where it was.
That was 8 years ago now when I experience that massive rush of determination. Each year that passes I do this same routine over and over again.
Last year I started this blog to be able to look back and see just how many times I basically write the same crap time and time again. Turns out its a lot...
Please God help me break the cycle!!!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
End of the month
Tomorrow is the last day in April. God, 4 months in to 2008 already and I'm still flip flopping with this weight crap!
why WHY WHY cant I stay on a steady track?
1.I have bad habits.
2.I allow myself to participate in very destructive behavior.
3.I don't feel inspired every day.
4.I would rather sit on a patio drinking beer than be sweating it out on a treadmill.
I'm sure I could add to this list but lets just start here.
1. bad habits. Well this one is the worst of all of them. I drink, I smoke...( sometimes) and I eat crappy food ( sometimes) My weekends. While most people spend their weekends doing productive things, I usually spend my time having parties, or going out or something that involves drinking and general bad behavior.
I'm not saying its wrong to have a few drinks on the weekend. Hell get shitfaced one night a week if you want! But I go hard core. I mean Friday to Sunday its ON! Call me the weekend warrior I guess.
Now, on a positive note, I don't drink during the week much anymore. I was going through a period there where I drank sometimes every day. Not to excess mind you but just a glass or 2 of wine. ( although I must admit there are also the occasions that I go way overboard too)
That's one bad behavior Ive been trying to cut down on and because of it I think my weekend behavior has gotten worse.
I mean I do other things, I clean the house, I cook , stuff like that. I have projects though. house stuff that really NEEDS to be done and I just don't do it. I usually break the weekend down like this:
Friday night, out after work for drinks with friends ( if I can afford to go out) or just at my house. Sometimes this can last until 10:00. Sometimes..like this past Friday...it went on until 6:30 the next morning!!
Saturdays I usually spend cleaning. Doing laundry and such as long as its not summer / pool time. If that's the case nice days in the pool season are spent there...at the parents pool..all day. If that's the case I try to get the cleaning done Friday night and Sunday morning so I can have Sunday afternoon to watch movies.
All activities involve drinking and little to no exercise. I do try to take time to do my treadmill in the morning on weekends before I do anything else sometimes, but I still haven't gotten that GOOD habit established.
This past 6 months since Ive been on less than 40 hours of work Ive been stretching that weekend out to Monday too.
Ive got to get a new job...but I digress....
So that's my weekends. No yard work, no painting the bathroom that needs it. No house projects.
2. Well I guess the above sort of covers the destructive behavior too. Accept the occasional weekday email from my best friend Andy, I have been able to curtail the week night drinks and behave myself. I find that when I do the right thing I feel so good by Friday!
then of course I blow it out over the weekend.
Mondays ( well now Tuesdays) I'm usually exhausted and too tired in the morning to wake up early to work out. Lately Ive been fully recovered by Wednesday afternoon and on the treadmill when I go home.
3. Inspiration. This could have to do with #1 & 2 also. When I'm tired I lose my inspiration to do anything.
4. Well, there ya have it. I'm a drinker. Am I an alcoholic? I think if I am its the "functional" alcoholic. I don't get withdrawals or cravings to drink if I stay away from it. I might miss it because I enjoy drinking but I can live without it.
Its just an ingrained part of my social life.
So now here it is, the end of yet another month and I'm no closer to my goal than I was 29 days ago.
Still bobbing up and down in the same 5 - 10 lb range.
I need INSPIRATION!!!
why WHY WHY cant I stay on a steady track?
1.I have bad habits.
2.I allow myself to participate in very destructive behavior.
3.I don't feel inspired every day.
4.I would rather sit on a patio drinking beer than be sweating it out on a treadmill.
I'm sure I could add to this list but lets just start here.
1. bad habits. Well this one is the worst of all of them. I drink, I smoke...( sometimes) and I eat crappy food ( sometimes) My weekends. While most people spend their weekends doing productive things, I usually spend my time having parties, or going out or something that involves drinking and general bad behavior.
I'm not saying its wrong to have a few drinks on the weekend. Hell get shitfaced one night a week if you want! But I go hard core. I mean Friday to Sunday its ON! Call me the weekend warrior I guess.
Now, on a positive note, I don't drink during the week much anymore. I was going through a period there where I drank sometimes every day. Not to excess mind you but just a glass or 2 of wine. ( although I must admit there are also the occasions that I go way overboard too)
That's one bad behavior Ive been trying to cut down on and because of it I think my weekend behavior has gotten worse.
I mean I do other things, I clean the house, I cook , stuff like that. I have projects though. house stuff that really NEEDS to be done and I just don't do it. I usually break the weekend down like this:
Friday night, out after work for drinks with friends ( if I can afford to go out) or just at my house. Sometimes this can last until 10:00. Sometimes..like this past Friday...it went on until 6:30 the next morning!!
Saturdays I usually spend cleaning. Doing laundry and such as long as its not summer / pool time. If that's the case nice days in the pool season are spent there...at the parents pool..all day. If that's the case I try to get the cleaning done Friday night and Sunday morning so I can have Sunday afternoon to watch movies.
All activities involve drinking and little to no exercise. I do try to take time to do my treadmill in the morning on weekends before I do anything else sometimes, but I still haven't gotten that GOOD habit established.
This past 6 months since Ive been on less than 40 hours of work Ive been stretching that weekend out to Monday too.
Ive got to get a new job...but I digress....
So that's my weekends. No yard work, no painting the bathroom that needs it. No house projects.
2. Well I guess the above sort of covers the destructive behavior too. Accept the occasional weekday email from my best friend Andy, I have been able to curtail the week night drinks and behave myself. I find that when I do the right thing I feel so good by Friday!
then of course I blow it out over the weekend.
Mondays ( well now Tuesdays) I'm usually exhausted and too tired in the morning to wake up early to work out. Lately Ive been fully recovered by Wednesday afternoon and on the treadmill when I go home.
3. Inspiration. This could have to do with #1 & 2 also. When I'm tired I lose my inspiration to do anything.
4. Well, there ya have it. I'm a drinker. Am I an alcoholic? I think if I am its the "functional" alcoholic. I don't get withdrawals or cravings to drink if I stay away from it. I might miss it because I enjoy drinking but I can live without it.
Its just an ingrained part of my social life.
So now here it is, the end of yet another month and I'm no closer to my goal than I was 29 days ago.
Still bobbing up and down in the same 5 - 10 lb range.
I need INSPIRATION!!!
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Better Day
I feel better today. Ive been busy all day at work for the first time in a while, and I'm actually excited about going home to work out.
I put it off this morning but I'm not putting it off tonight!
I will get my 5 days in this week yet!!
I have a dear friend coming to visit me at the end of May. Shes lost 15 lbs since the beginning of the year. So have I, actually Ive lost almost 20, but I'm about 3 times her size so 15 lbs on her is a big deal.
15 lbs on me is a sandwich and a couple of beers!
In any case I set a goal a while back to lose 30 lbs by my birthday, which is June 12th. So far I'm down 12. I have about a month and a half left and I keep gaining and losing the same 5 lbs week after week. Something has to give, and I think its ME!
I have to give more, period.
I put it off this morning but I'm not putting it off tonight!
I will get my 5 days in this week yet!!
I have a dear friend coming to visit me at the end of May. Shes lost 15 lbs since the beginning of the year. So have I, actually Ive lost almost 20, but I'm about 3 times her size so 15 lbs on her is a big deal.
15 lbs on me is a sandwich and a couple of beers!
In any case I set a goal a while back to lose 30 lbs by my birthday, which is June 12th. So far I'm down 12. I have about a month and a half left and I keep gaining and losing the same 5 lbs week after week. Something has to give, and I think its ME!
I have to give more, period.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Fat in Flight
Today I was thinking about visiting a few places that would require a place trip.
For years I have feared the stigma..and now possibly the complete humiliation, of flying at my current weight.
So keeping this in mind I searched the Internet today and found articles ranging from how fat people should be charged an extra ticket if their butts cant fit into the 17" wide seat, ( which mine absolutely could NOT) to how fat people contribute to small plane crashes.
Needless to say I will not be flying anytime soon, but it begs the question, how trapped am I really?
I feel trapped in my house because I cant sell it, and I want to sell it to be able to move, and I want to move out of state with might be cause for a flight and I cant fly unless I want to withstand humiliations beyond what I care to imagine or experience.
Are these just excuses to stay in my not so comfortable fat zone?
I think not. I don't have any excuse that makes me WANT to be this way.
Dealing with things normal people do every day that they don't think twice about is very different for someone like me.
Some days I feel really good about myself. Some days no so much. Id have to give this day a medium rating, although i have to say after reading the brutal hatred and disgust so many people have for the obese of the world it does make me ashamed to be walking down the street somewhat.
For the record, those of you who think fat people are lazy, breathe excessively heavy / loudly and smell...go fuck yourself. I do none of the above and frankly I bet my ass smells better than your face!!!
Out!
For years I have feared the stigma..and now possibly the complete humiliation, of flying at my current weight.
So keeping this in mind I searched the Internet today and found articles ranging from how fat people should be charged an extra ticket if their butts cant fit into the 17" wide seat, ( which mine absolutely could NOT) to how fat people contribute to small plane crashes.
Needless to say I will not be flying anytime soon, but it begs the question, how trapped am I really?
I feel trapped in my house because I cant sell it, and I want to sell it to be able to move, and I want to move out of state with might be cause for a flight and I cant fly unless I want to withstand humiliations beyond what I care to imagine or experience.
Are these just excuses to stay in my not so comfortable fat zone?
I think not. I don't have any excuse that makes me WANT to be this way.
Dealing with things normal people do every day that they don't think twice about is very different for someone like me.
Some days I feel really good about myself. Some days no so much. Id have to give this day a medium rating, although i have to say after reading the brutal hatred and disgust so many people have for the obese of the world it does make me ashamed to be walking down the street somewhat.
For the record, those of you who think fat people are lazy, breathe excessively heavy / loudly and smell...go fuck yourself. I do none of the above and frankly I bet my ass smells better than your face!!!
Out!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Moving...I wish.
I want to move.
I HATE Atlanta Georgia.
I hate where I live.
I love my house but my neighborhood is so bad that I'm scared all the time.
It was supposed to get better. I was supposed to be a pioneer. Ive been in the house almost 5 years now and its just gotten worse.
Houses getting broken in to. Cars getting ripped off. Gang thugs on the street.
The economy has taken a dive and left me in a pit.
I couldn't sell my house now for what I owe on it, and its only going to get worse.
I could kill Stephen for talking me into buying there.
So I go home today to finish putting up barbed wire on my fence line to try and keep the thugs out.
I wonder how long it will be before someone gets killed?
I HATE Atlanta Georgia.
I hate where I live.
I love my house but my neighborhood is so bad that I'm scared all the time.
It was supposed to get better. I was supposed to be a pioneer. Ive been in the house almost 5 years now and its just gotten worse.
Houses getting broken in to. Cars getting ripped off. Gang thugs on the street.
The economy has taken a dive and left me in a pit.
I couldn't sell my house now for what I owe on it, and its only going to get worse.
I could kill Stephen for talking me into buying there.
So I go home today to finish putting up barbed wire on my fence line to try and keep the thugs out.
I wonder how long it will be before someone gets killed?
Friday, April 11, 2008
Keeping the Faith
Well Ive been doing OK I guess. I kicked ass last week. Exercised every day and ate very well. The weekend was not terrible either because I didn't overindulge and I kept up with the exercise.
This week, however, I haven't exercised once. I have been watching my food so I haven't gained any weight back that I lost last week but I haven't progressed.
Why do I do this? One week on and one week off? This week Ive been feeling kind of down and not well in general. Could be the pollen. Georgia in the spring time is beautiful but the pollen really can drag you down. Ive overslept every morning and have been to crapped out to do anything when I get home too.
Its going to rain and cool down this weekend though and I intend to get back on the train...again.
I will do this. It might take me...well might...it WILL be and HAS been a lifetime struggle but lets face it if I give up I'm only hurting myself.
So I'm content to at least be doing something. I mean 10 years ago I did absolutely nothing. I NEVER exercised. Hell I hardly left the house! Not to mention I cooked extravagant meals and food, while it was super tasty and I really actually became a fabulous cook, was my only friend.
Not anymore. I have great friends. I have an actual social life, even if its not filled with the love that I desire its still there. It exists!! I never feel like if I walk into my local watering holes that I wont be comfortable, even though I'm usually the biggest girl there.
In fact, last Sunday I went out for a while and I met some new people. One girl happens to be a good friend of Juans. I sort of knew who she was but had never really met her. So we ended up hanging out and at some point she turned to me and just said..."you know, you are so pretty! I mean you are really a beautiful girl!!" I was about to do my usual protesting and fat talking, but instead I just smiled and said , "wow thanks!!!"
Its true. I am pretty. I'm fat too, but I'm pretty and I have more confidence than I ever have in my life. Some people take my self fat bashing as low self esteem. I don't. To me, understanding that people , ( not all but a good deal of them) judge me for being fat is just part of life. That's not putting myself down, its just being realistic. If you haven't lived as a fat person as long as I have you just cant get it, period.
I love myself. I do not love being fat, but I'm working on it. I will work on it until I die.
This week, however, I haven't exercised once. I have been watching my food so I haven't gained any weight back that I lost last week but I haven't progressed.
Why do I do this? One week on and one week off? This week Ive been feeling kind of down and not well in general. Could be the pollen. Georgia in the spring time is beautiful but the pollen really can drag you down. Ive overslept every morning and have been to crapped out to do anything when I get home too.
Its going to rain and cool down this weekend though and I intend to get back on the train...again.
I will do this. It might take me...well might...it WILL be and HAS been a lifetime struggle but lets face it if I give up I'm only hurting myself.
So I'm content to at least be doing something. I mean 10 years ago I did absolutely nothing. I NEVER exercised. Hell I hardly left the house! Not to mention I cooked extravagant meals and food, while it was super tasty and I really actually became a fabulous cook, was my only friend.
Not anymore. I have great friends. I have an actual social life, even if its not filled with the love that I desire its still there. It exists!! I never feel like if I walk into my local watering holes that I wont be comfortable, even though I'm usually the biggest girl there.
In fact, last Sunday I went out for a while and I met some new people. One girl happens to be a good friend of Juans. I sort of knew who she was but had never really met her. So we ended up hanging out and at some point she turned to me and just said..."you know, you are so pretty! I mean you are really a beautiful girl!!" I was about to do my usual protesting and fat talking, but instead I just smiled and said , "wow thanks!!!"
Its true. I am pretty. I'm fat too, but I'm pretty and I have more confidence than I ever have in my life. Some people take my self fat bashing as low self esteem. I don't. To me, understanding that people , ( not all but a good deal of them) judge me for being fat is just part of life. That's not putting myself down, its just being realistic. If you haven't lived as a fat person as long as I have you just cant get it, period.
I love myself. I do not love being fat, but I'm working on it. I will work on it until I die.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
April Showers
Another month goes by and yet again I find myself saying, OK,this is it, I'm ready for change. I have to say my wishy-washy behavior with the weight loss/ get healthy effort is driving me crazy. Last week I was terrible, blowing my last week in March entirely. So today I wake up feeling like I'm going to do it. Ive got just about 10 weeks until my birthday. I cant believe its already the 4th month in the year!! I was supposed to be 30 lbs down by now and I haven't even come close.
Its all me. My eating habits have sucked, and I have been terribly inconsistent with exercise.
I will give myself small kudos for at least keeping up with some exercise these past months, which is more than I had been doing before the first of the year.
I just woke up this morning and thought, you have GOT to get it together. Get all the pins firing! I really want this and besides wanting to be healthy there are other reasons that have popped up recently that I'm hoping will inspire me more too.
Juan for instance. Even though we still haven't gone out hes been in touch.Its been off and on and last week frankly I thought maybe he'd changed his mind. Then Sunday morning at 9:00AM I get a text saying he had been thinking of me.
That was it, and after texted back and didn't get any answer I got frustrated again, and sent him another one in the afternoon.
So turned out he was actually busy because he'd been moving to a new place over the weekend, so it wasn't me after all!
This gives me hope. It also really makes me want to get it together. Healthy , yes, but also for...well frankly sex!
When I was thinner I remember when I had sex again finally for the first time it was so different...so GREAT!
I'm not saying I haven't had good relations since then..I mean Hot Barback Boy...damn...but then I imagine how much BETTER it would have been if I dropped even 40 lbs. yes. I want this.
For some reason sex has always been very important to me and not having it stinks!
Also having sex when your really overweight is not as easy and natural as you might think. Anyone who has never been really fat cant possibly understand this. I'm not going into detail here but lets just say its not the same for me, and I'm sure its not the same for men too. Even the ones that prefer large women.
So anyway, its a new month and Ive already started out in a positive way. I threw away some things that were "bad" from my fridge and plan to go home and exercise. I didn't get up in time to do it this morning, which of course would have been better, but this afternoon I will do it. I'm tired of battling with this same 15 lbs area!
I go down and go up and haven't been able to break the barrier. I guess that means I need to push herder. I mean really make an effort.
Ive been saying this whole time how I'm trying, but really, I haven't been. Not like I know I can. Lets face it, I already know what its going to take. Drastic changes in eating and exercising habits. I pray I can get in there. In the zone. The same zone Ive been praying to be in for years now. I don't need to be the way I was before, I'll keep eating , I just need to give up certain things for good and not look back. I need to get through a weekend without overindulging.
New month. We'll see.
Its all me. My eating habits have sucked, and I have been terribly inconsistent with exercise.
I will give myself small kudos for at least keeping up with some exercise these past months, which is more than I had been doing before the first of the year.
I just woke up this morning and thought, you have GOT to get it together. Get all the pins firing! I really want this and besides wanting to be healthy there are other reasons that have popped up recently that I'm hoping will inspire me more too.
Juan for instance. Even though we still haven't gone out hes been in touch.Its been off and on and last week frankly I thought maybe he'd changed his mind. Then Sunday morning at 9:00AM I get a text saying he had been thinking of me.
That was it, and after texted back and didn't get any answer I got frustrated again, and sent him another one in the afternoon.
So turned out he was actually busy because he'd been moving to a new place over the weekend, so it wasn't me after all!
This gives me hope. It also really makes me want to get it together. Healthy , yes, but also for...well frankly sex!
When I was thinner I remember when I had sex again finally for the first time it was so different...so GREAT!
I'm not saying I haven't had good relations since then..I mean Hot Barback Boy...damn...but then I imagine how much BETTER it would have been if I dropped even 40 lbs. yes. I want this.
For some reason sex has always been very important to me and not having it stinks!
Also having sex when your really overweight is not as easy and natural as you might think. Anyone who has never been really fat cant possibly understand this. I'm not going into detail here but lets just say its not the same for me, and I'm sure its not the same for men too. Even the ones that prefer large women.
So anyway, its a new month and Ive already started out in a positive way. I threw away some things that were "bad" from my fridge and plan to go home and exercise. I didn't get up in time to do it this morning, which of course would have been better, but this afternoon I will do it. I'm tired of battling with this same 15 lbs area!
I go down and go up and haven't been able to break the barrier. I guess that means I need to push herder. I mean really make an effort.
Ive been saying this whole time how I'm trying, but really, I haven't been. Not like I know I can. Lets face it, I already know what its going to take. Drastic changes in eating and exercising habits. I pray I can get in there. In the zone. The same zone Ive been praying to be in for years now. I don't need to be the way I was before, I'll keep eating , I just need to give up certain things for good and not look back. I need to get through a weekend without overindulging.
New month. We'll see.
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