April Showers

Another month goes by and yet again I find myself saying, OK,this is it, I'm ready for change. I have to say my wishy-washy behavior with the weight loss/ get healthy effort is driving me crazy. Last week I was terrible, blowing my last week in March entirely. So today I wake up feeling like I'm going to do it. Ive got just about 10 weeks until my birthday. I cant believe its already the 4th month in the year!! I was supposed to be 30 lbs down by now and I haven't even come close.
Its all me. My eating habits have sucked, and I have been terribly inconsistent with exercise.
I will give myself small kudos for at least keeping up with some exercise these past months, which is more than I had been doing before the first of the year.

I just woke up this morning and thought, you have GOT to get it together. Get all the pins firing! I really want this and besides wanting to be healthy there are other reasons that have popped up recently that I'm hoping will inspire me more too.

Juan for instance. Even though we still haven't gone out hes been in touch.Its been off and on and last week frankly I thought maybe he'd changed his mind. Then Sunday morning at 9:00AM I get a text saying he had been thinking of me.
That was it, and after texted back and didn't get any answer I got frustrated again, and sent him another one in the afternoon.
So turned out he was actually busy because he'd been moving to a new place over the weekend, so it wasn't me after all!
This gives me hope. It also really makes me want to get it together. Healthy , yes, but also for...well frankly sex!
When I was thinner I remember when I had sex again finally for the first time it was so different...so GREAT!
I'm not saying I haven't had good relations since then..I mean Hot Barback Boy...damn...but then I imagine how much BETTER it would have been if I dropped even 40 lbs. yes. I want this.
For some reason sex has always been very important to me and not having it stinks!
Also having sex when your really overweight is not as easy and natural as you might think. Anyone who has never been really fat cant possibly understand this. I'm not going into detail here but lets just say its not the same for me, and I'm sure its not the same for men too. Even the ones that prefer large women.

So anyway, its a new month and Ive already started out in a positive way. I threw away some things that were "bad" from my fridge and plan to go home and exercise. I didn't get up in time to do it this morning, which of course would have been better, but this afternoon I will do it. I'm tired of battling with this same 15 lbs area!
I go down and go up and haven't been able to break the barrier. I guess that means I need to push herder. I mean really make an effort.

Ive been saying this whole time how I'm trying, but really, I haven't been. Not like I know I can. Lets face it, I already know what its going to take. Drastic changes in eating and exercising habits. I pray I can get in there. In the zone. The same zone Ive been praying to be in for years now. I don't need to be the way I was before, I'll keep eating , I just need to give up certain things for good and not look back. I need to get through a weekend without overindulging.

New month. We'll see.