Every year about this time I run between being very happy and very sad. I'm happy to be with friends, family, my dog.
I'm happy for the time of year that's about more then gifts, ( thank God, since I'm broke!)but about being together and appreciating what we already are so blessed to have.
The down side is I get lonely. Everyone I know is a couple, or at least has people interested in them. The best I can say for myself consists of a number of brief encounters with men that never want to stick around for the real thing, or if they do, I cant stand them.
When I meet a guy that I really click with and am attracted to I pray to God to let me have it. Just once Lord, let me have it for real, like everyone else does. Don't I deserve to have the experience of a real relationship with a guy that I am both physically and mentally attracted to?
I also pray to not ave the desire anymore at all if I cant have it.
So far neither prayer has been answered.
My friend Andy says that I hide too much, and that deep down inside I really don't want someone to be close to me because Id have to reveal all that stuff that no one knows about.
I do have that "stuff", and I do like to be alone.
I stuff my face with food to comfort my lonely heart, and then regret it and resent myself for not having more self control.
January is coming again. Time for those resolutions. I never make resolutions, but I do sometimes try to alter some behaviors. Years ago when i had my one big weight loss it started in January. By March Id lost 30 lbs and was steadily on the way to a new me. Looking back on it the weight seemed to just melt off.
Yes, I starved myself, and yes i worked out like a crazy person possessed.
Am I making excuses for not trying by telling myself that I have to starve and be obsessed with the gym in order to achieve any kind of success? Sometimes I think I am.
Excuses are so much easier than sit ups.
I'm going to try and just let it go. I hate always pining away for something that I'm obviously not meant to have. I really REALLY want to just be happy. I want to not care about those things and just enjoy ME for ME and my time I have right now. I hate being the Queen of Misery.
My job stinks right now too. No prospects and the one I do have in in the crapper.
So that about covers it.
Happy Holidays.
