It’s been a while hasn’t it. Seems like my posts are getting more and more spread out. Well its largely due to the fact that I used to always update things at work, and now with the new job it’s hard to do that. Not that I don’t have time, just I have a house full of people at my back looking over my shoulder and I can’t be “caught” doing personal things I guess. Oh I know people do them, I’m just in a position (literally) where I can be seen!
So here I am SNEAKIN!!!
So update on the beach. It was a great time. Beautiful weather and wonderful company. I learned a few things about a few people too, myself included.
There was a point when one of my sisters, who has totally changed her body and life, and is pretty much as miserable as ever, or so it seems by her attitude anyway.
She’s so self involved now that she is convinced I’m “jealous” of her.
Jealous of what? Well let’s see. She’s successful, thin, pretty, and just had a body makeover thanks to 18K worth of surgery. So yeah, on the outside I can see where she might think I would be jealous.
But she’s miserable. I mean really. She’s harsh. Her tone of voice says it all. She can speak 5 words and you feel like you want to back away.
AM I jealous of her? No. ………No. I can honestly say I’m not.
Also, I was really pissed at her for saying that at first, but now I’m glad, because it held up a mirror to my own life that I really didn’t see before, and guess what? I’m happy!
Do I wish I had more money? Yes, of course. Do I wish I had stayed in college and done something different with my life? Sure. Do I wish I had not gained back so much of the weight I fought so hard to lose? Of course!
BUT………..
I’m a totally different person than I was 9 years ago.
Oh She is as well, and I think in our own ways we BOTH have improved ourselves. She has physically changed, and worked very hard to do so.
I know how she feels right now, (even if she doesnt realize it).
Ive said this a million times...
When I lost all that weight before, I thought all my problems were going to be over. But they weren’t.
She thinks she is the expert at dieting…(and said so, literally), and throws her opinion about with venom without realizing it.
I never ONCE in the time that I was actually thinner than her (first and only time in my life) and working out all the time and eating differently …never ONCE did I throw a
“You need to be doing this….”
Type sentence at her, and that’s what comes out of her mouth all the time now.
No no! Don’t even TRY and disagree, or have your own opinion based on your OWN experiences, because “CLEARLY whatever YOU did before didn’t work”, and IIII ( ME ME ME ME ME!! HER HER HER!!) have ALL the answers.
You know what I say to that? Write a book honey.
You and the other 5 million people out there that have managed to find out what works for THEM will make bank. But the people that buy it will lose, and not the weight.
Am I jealous? No. As a matter of fact I’m almost inclined to feel sorry for her.
The unhappiness that she felt in her marriage has now turned into a bitterness from rejection of another man that she fell for. Now, unable to let that person go, she lashes out and judges others in spite of her pronouncing that she wants only for people to be themselves. It’s not true. She really thinks she knows best.
Well, I don’t know best for sure, but I DO know that over the past 6 months…maybe even 6 years or more, I’ve been slowly waking up, and I’m not done yet.
I’m very proud of myself right now, and whether anyone else can tell, I do exercise, and I AM working on myself. Maybe it’s not YOUR (her) way, but it makes me feel proud and good about myself, and frankly, after fighting this battle for over 35 years, I think I’m qualified to say what works for ME.
Also, I’m allowed to feel good about myself the way I am.
I don’t require to be a size 4 to feel like I’m a good looking woman.
OK, ok, I know the world at large…(no pun intended)...has it in for folks like me, and yes there are still going to be times when I’m sure that someone is making fun of me, even at this age.
It’s part of my life.
I still feel uncomfortable eating in front of people. Its somethg I struggle with every day. But Im working on it.
I don’t think I will EVER be thin. Healthy, yes, THINNER, yes. But flat belly skinny? Doubtful. Its not in my jeans....(ummm cause everything else IS!)
That does NOT mean I’m giving up to being this heavy forever. It just means I’m giving myself permission to be HAPPY with myself as I AM.
I finally think that’s OK.
