Here it is. New Year’s Eve once again. Where has the
time gone?
Obviously I didn’t get back to the blog again after
April, and I wish I had. I always do because I end up having to relive all of
it on the last day of the year.
It seems like I never have enough time to do it.
Actually lately it seems like I never have enough time for anything much other
than pinball things. Seriously, I get up at 7:00 and the next thing I know it’s
the afternoon and none of the things I wanted to accomplish have been done.
A lot of this is coming from
disorganization on my part, which is very frustrating and unlike me. Or I guess
the ME I used to be when my life was only about ME.
Crystal has been (or had been) coming 4
or 5 days a week, staying over a couple of nights and taking care of mom, but
even with that I don’t seem to have time for anything. She’s gone now by the
way. She took off in October to work for FEMA and has not come back so the last
few months have been pure hell as far as “time” goes.
Before she left there were tensions
growing though. She had become extremely comfortable in her surroundings and I
began to regret hiring a friend vs someone that was strictly an employee. She
started taking advantage of some things. Doing less “work” and complaining
about wanting more money, which she knew from the beginning was impossible. My
mom can’t afford to pay ME, so she’s certainly not getting extra cash.
I guess it’s a moot point now because as
I said, she’s gone. It may not be permanent but I am actively trying to hire
someone else. TRYING. It’s harder than it should be.
Just finding a person that you are
mildly comfortable with is one thing. But then it’s getting them approved and
all that stuff. It’s the TIME that I am seemingly unable to take to get these
steps done.
I would say that I’m spending too much
of my time playing and running pinball tournaments, but that’s not entirely
true. I play once a week most weeks and 2 times a week twice a month. That’s
it. I do go out and play here and there at Melt Yard (my new My Parents
Basement!) but that’s probably once a week if that.
I started running a monthly tournament
on the second Saturday each month at Melt Yard in March. It was a HUGE deal for
me as I’d never been in charge of a “big” open tournament before. I also
started making trophies somewhere in May I think and since then those things
have taken up a LOT of time. More than anyone knows I am sure. One of them
takes about 8 hours to make, not to mention the cost of them materials wise,
and I’m just giving them away.
It’s part of my thing now though so I
feel like I’m stuck with it. Wes, the guy who owns most of the machines at Melt
Yard told me recently that they didn’t matter, and people would come anyway,
but I know for a fact that some people have come just to get a chance to win
one.
I’m proud of that. I like knowing
something that I’ve made such a huge effort to create is so neat that people
want it. The down side is, I have so many other more important things that I
really HAVE to focus on all of which are getting pushed to the side because
this one tournament a month has become the most important thing in my life.
Seriously.
Why is that? Well, it’s the first thing
in a very long time that has made me feel important. It’s made me feel like I
am “popular”, possibly even genuinely well-liked. People recognize me, and even
want my opinions about tournaments and other pinball related things. I even got
asked to dinner by a huge crush of mine (a really well known player) after one
of the monthly ones. It didn’t go anywhere (and I still would love to know
exactly why) but I was so flattered that I was on cloud 9 even when I knew at
the end of the ”date” that he had changed his mind.
My women’s group has grown too, and that
also makes me very proud. It’s been weird having people come to me and praise
my “leadership”. I’ve never been the leader of anything. No one asks my opinion
or cares what I think. Now I walk into Melt Yard and the bartenders make my
drink because they all know it by heart. The owners think I’m wonderful and are
grateful for the all day tournament business. It’s the best feeling in the
world.
This is a very new sensation to me, and
I have found myself guarding it closely. I have even recognized that I am
jealous and paranoid about other people getting involved, even if it would
genuinely help me out, because I am scared they might take it away from me.
A great example is a fellow Belle that
out of nowhere started up a bi-monthly Wednesday night tournament. She came to
me for help getting it started, and I welcomed the opportunity, but now that
tournament is probably more popular than mine is, and I am genuinely jealous of
her for that.
I mean it’s a different format and
different people come. Mine takes all day long to do, and hers is 2 ½ hours of
your life on a Wednesday night. So they both have their appeal for different
reasons.
This lady is a go getter for sure, but
in a really strange way. She claims to be very recluse and such, as most of us
are outside our comfort zone, and she did need my help at first. I guess I
thought I would always somehow be involved because at first that was how she
approached me with it. That we could take turns being TD so no one would have
to commit to it every other Wednesday. I was hesitant at first and so this is
probably my own fault, but now I WANT to do it by myself and its too late for
that. She’s in.
The thing is she SHOULD be in. There’s nothing wrong with her wanting to be
more involved with pinball things and I need to chill. She asked me before
about being more involved and I didn’t really do anything about it so I guess
she just did it for herself.
Also, I CANT do everything. I mean I do
so much with it now it’s literally like a full time job that I don’t get paid
for. I wish I did. I am in love with the whole thing. I also recognize that I
will likely never be a “pinball wizard” so to me, the thing I CAN do is put on
great tournaments. That and getting more women involved has become my
obsession.
I am trying to humble myself and get
back to learning more about it. My hope is to be asked to help with Southern
Fried Game Expo again. I did get asked to do a women’s tournament this past
year but after a serious lack of communication from the guy they chose to run
it, I backed out. Now I wish I had not. I do need to learn more, and I am no
longer shy about asking questions. I know where I need work. My ability to
stand up to these guys when I make a call that they don’t agree with is
lacking. I end up questioning myself and that makes me look like I don’t know
what I’m doing. I want to change that, and will HAVE to if I ever want to
really do bigger things, and I DO!
This is all so foreign to me. I can’t
remember ever being so involved with a thing that I am motivated to put
everything else aside to make it better. Well maybe my weight, but that’s a
lifetime career not a “hobby”.
Speaking of which, I have an AMAZING
announcement to make. I am, for the first time in my adult life, (actually
since I was in the 8th grade, which is the earliest memory I have of
tracking my weight outside of a doctors office) that I am UNDER 200 lbs.
How did I accomplish this? Well, I wish
I could say it was from all the hard work, healthy eating, and exercise that I
needed to do to get to my now seemingly stable weight of 196-198, but the truth
is I paid for it. AM paying for it, to the tune of $550 per month. It’s truly a
miracle drug. Mounjaro / Zepbound has literally changed my life. I mean when I
say it’s easy it is EASY. I have not exercised, or even tried to change my
eating habits. I know I HAVE change them, but I still binge, eat fries when I
want to, and drink just as much as I ever have, if not more. Yet the pounds
still came off. I don’t know what it has triggered in my brain but I do know
it’s a miracle, and the entire world should be able to benefit from it for
FREE. But of course, since the world is actually run by pharmaceutical and
insurance companies, that will probably not happen in my lifetime.
It’s something that I genuinely NEED to
be NORMAL.
Sadly I have no idea how long I can keep
it up. Financially it’s crippling me. I have made I think less than $3,000 this
entire year. I am down to bout 20K in my retirement funds, having sold off
things 2 times this year to just have any money at all in my checking account.
My mom is finally giving me some money
per month but it’s not nearly enough. Work? What’s that?? HA! Between taking
care of my mom and pinball I am busy 24/7. I also love my pinball life and feel
like if I back off I will lose the first thing I’ve ever really felt like
I am genuinely a part of, and not just
on the outside looking in.
So what do I do about it? Well, for
starters I HAVE to get refocused on income. I have thought about what to do
over and over and the idea of getting an office job ( even if I could which is
doubtful) is horrifying. I am A PHOTOGRAPHER. It’s something that I AM good at
when I do it. What I’m not good at is business. This is not new news. I know my
shortcomings, but I also feel like I just have NO TIME!
Several weeks ago I started redoing my
website. The idea being that I am going to do ANY type of photography, not just
real estate / architecture. I used to be very shy about taking people photos,
but I think I am over that now. That’s another area where pinball has helped
me. I am no longer shy about getting peoples pictures. What I am, however, is
lazy.
I have been thinking about doing a
project about pinball. Taking pictures of machines close up, and people.
Putting it together somehow and selling it. I even have a new friend interested
in doing the writing part, calling it Pinball Is LIFE. It really has become my
life.
It could be worse. I could be obsessed
about some guy or my weight. The usual. It’s refreshing to say that at this
moment in time…I think for the first time EVER… I am not worried about how I’m
going to lose weight and get healthy in the New Year. I’m already there. I mean
yes, I do need to exercise because I know I’d feel better overall, and my body
is actually at the point where it’s stuck. Rightly so. It’s not used to being
this weight, and as my lifetime of failures have shown, it typically fights me
the whole way, both mentally and physically. So it’s not surprising to me that
Im stuck at 198 ish. I also know doing the right changes and exercise will
likely be the push I need to get down to 180 (I literally can’t imagine that)
which is where my PCP wants me to be.
Also, there is a dark side. Of course.
People who have lost all this weight then stopped taking it have gained it
back. Especially if you haven’t gotten in shape and established a good exercise
routine. I know that from personal experience. Being fit helps everything, so
yes that is something I want to work back into my life.
Franky if I don’t I know it’s going to
backfire on me, and I will end up right back where I was at the beginning of
this year. 240lbs and miserable.
I CANT ALLOW THAT.
Looking back, the last New Years Eve
that I really enjoyed was 2018 /2019. Before Ray…Before COVID…Before
moving…Before losing the business that I had built. I went out that night by
myself and really enjoyed it. I went into 2019 with a new attitude and was
genuinely making a real effort again. Things were looking up!
Then I met Ray, and it all fell apart. I
don’t blame him. He didn’t force me to eat, or not exercise, or sell my house.
But he also was a shitty person, and he drug me down in a sly way that I didn’t
even see happening until I was already in the pit.
I did hear from him finally. I got a
text on my birthday saying “happy birthday” from an unknown number. I ignored
it. Then a week later the same number sent me a link to a new Mutemath song,
and then I knew it was him, and blocked it. Nothing since though.
I have thought about showing up at the racetrack
on a Friday around the time he goes to buy lottery tickets just to let him see
me now, but that would be pointless. I do not miss him at all.
Sure I’m lonely and still want to be in
a relationship. I still want to experience that love that some people are so
lucky to have, even if it’s only for a little while. I get reminded of that
more often than I would like, and sometimes in ways that are horrible.
Barbara Steele. A wonderful human being.
A family friend that I met because of my parents. A lady that out of all my
parents’ friends, has genuinely been here to help me out since I’ve moved. Plus
just an all-around happy person, that has…had…that type of relationship with
her husband, Tom.
She died Sunday. She was ill but not for
very long, and it was all a very shocking whirlwind of hospitals, misdiagnosis,
and then death. Tom, I know is devastated like my mom was. Still is.
I don’t know why people like that have
to be taken from the world when there are so many horrible people left in it.
This year I have been reminded no less
than 3 times of the importance of time when it comes to how you spend it, and
who you spend it with. Life goes on between the losses, and you sit in it for a
minute, thinking of the changes you need to make in order to get that thing you
want. Then you go on with life making these changes (or not) only to realize
that this thing…love… is the one thing you can’t control.
I can lose 100lbs, get a face lift, win
a million dollars and none of that would bring that one person to me. I mean
would it help to be thinner, younger looking (or just younger), and financially
stable to the point that you could take care of someone else if they were poor
but you loved them anyway? Absolutely. But it still wouldn’t help me actually find
him. That can only be achieved by putting myself out there…again.
I’m doing it. I HAVE to. I’m surrounded
by men playing pinball but they are all married or way too young for me, so I’m
going to have to go back into the pool. It’s a nasty place that pool, and I
really do not relish the idea of it at all, but I don’t see any other way to
meet new people.
I did meet one person, (well 2 but the
second one was so brief and messy it’s hardly worth mentioning) named Kevin,
who just happens to be one of the kindest, most giving, loving, people (but is
also biggest doormat) I’ve ever met.
I saw in my reading over the past years
posts that I mentioned him, and even then I said that he seemed really needy
and we had not even met yet. I hate that I don’t like him for more than a
friend, because he would do anything in his power to make me happy. I KNOW he
would. He has stepped up to help me in more ways with my mom in the past few
months than my own family. I just don’t feel the way about him that he feels
about me, and I have TRIED!
In any case, I know the path I have to
take is to get back into the dating cesspool that I loathe. I do feel like I am going in with more
confidence than ever before. In spite of my age and not so young looks, and even
my saggy skin, I feel like I can go for men that are NOT total losers and maybe
this time have a shot.
All I really want is a NORMAL person.
Someone that at the age of 45 or older is financially stable enough to live by
himself, be able to take me places and not complain about money or go into debt
to do it, NOT be a drunk or drug addict or such an asshole that I become the
doormat again.(NOT GOING THERE EVER AGAIN!) and just lives a normal average
life. Hopefully likes pinball too because that’s my thing now and I don’t see
that ever changing. Too much to ask? NO
its not.
I just need to start saying NO to people
that I know when I meet them are not going to work out. I should have done that
with Kevin from the beginning. I tried SO HARD to like him but it’s just not there.
Ironically I can see myself in him so much. The way I used to pay for things I
couldn’t afford, and do whatever I thought the guy I was crazy about wanted.
It’s me 100% 12 years ago with Mike. Mike and EVERY other guy I’ve ever been
crazy about.
I see it now because I’m on the other
side of it. It becomes very easy to take advantage of a situation like that,
even if you think you’re not that kind of person, you find yourself in a bind
and you know all you need to do is ask and he will be right there to help. I
hate that I have to admit I have done that with Kevin but I have. I’m not proud
of it and I’m quitting it like an addiction to crack because it’s not healthy
for me or him. Plus since I KNOW what it feels like I think it’s shitty and I
don’t want to be a shitty person.
I’m going to a party tonight. I’ve been
invited to a new pinball person’s house. Another first for me. I know I will
enjoy it, even though I wish I could be going with a date, (and invited Kevin
and that he will probably end up giving me a ride home so I don’t have to take
UBER) I am happy that they WANTED me there. It’s such a new world for me, or
can be if I just don’t fuck it up.
I miss Barb. I miss Scott. I still can’t
believe they are both gone. Scott for almost a year. Barb not even a week. Both
of them good people with good friends that cared deeply for them even if they didn’t
know it.
I
hope when I die that the same can be said about me. I think that will be my goal
for this year. In a world where there is so much uncertainty it’s not a farfetched
idea that we all will be gone sooner than later.
I want to be remembered as a good person,
a good photographer, a decent pinball player, and a great tournament director
that got women involved in pinball in ways that they had never been before. It
really has been life changing for me, and that’s what I want to share with the world.
Hopefully, not by myself.
Happy New Year.
No comments:
Post a Comment