Trouble wears a baseball hat and carries a BIG STICK!!

Oh my....when I decide to dive into the shit I really dive in!
So not to get to personal, but I had something happen to me this past weekend that is making me weak in the knees.
I met a guy. Well no, that's not true, I actually met him 8 months ago but this weekend was the first time he paid any real attention to me.
From the first time i saw him last winter I was instantly attracted to him. His looks are right up my ally. Tall, nice body but not super skinny or too bulky, a few tattoos ( I saw these showing ever so slightly through his shirt), Gorgeous blue eyes, and the killer of all the Goa-tee and baseball hat look...ouch!!!
So he paid attention to me last winter once, and then i found out he had a girlfriend, but I have seen him throughout this year.
Recently they broke up, but I didn't think anything about it until this past weekend.

Friday: At the bar hes working. He starts talking to me and it goes well as usual.
Blah blah blah...a few hours later I'm leaving. I get in my car and all the sudden theres a knock on the window. Its him. Just a quick goodbye chat and I'm off.
Weird I thought...he could have asked me for my number then but he didn't, BUT I got the distinct impression that he was flirting with me.

Saturday: I go back to his bar to watch a football game. hes working, the bar is packed. Good time roll, blah blah blah. I got to leave, its early, barely getting dark out.
He stops me and gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

FREEZE FRAME!! My whole body is getting hot and I'm shaking a little...Did he really just do that to ME???

So the conversation is like this:

Him: Your leaving already?
ME: yeah, I'm meeting some friends at their house to watch another game.
Him: Oh....( sad look and pause)
Me: So what are you doing after work?
Him: Ummm I don't know yet...why?
Me: Well, you could come join us to watch the game if you want To?

FREEZE FRAME!! I'm freaking out...I'm NEVER this bold...ok..ok...keep your cool....

Him: Sounds fun, let me get your number and I'll call you in a bit when i get off.
ME: (calmly gives number)

Him: Gotta get back to work, I'll call you in a bit.

ME: FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!

So I get to my friends house, we watch most of the game while hes texting me a few times. Wants to know who's over there that he knows, blah blah...I'm thinking, OK, hes checking out the situation to see if hes going to come.
I'm thinking that if theres someone there that he knows he wont come because he doesn't want anyone to know hes hanging out with me.

Time goes by...no show.. no show...games almost over....

He shows.

Now I'm beside myself with joy and NERVOUS as HELL!!
I was so nerved out! I haven't been this nervous about a guy since The Muffin.

BACKGROUND INFO:
OK this guy is a player, I know it and he rep has definitely proved it..but hes hot..I mean SMOKING HOT and I haven't had a hot guy paying me attention like this in YEARS...

So we hang out a little while at the friends house, I relax some. Its getting later and he suggests we take it to my house.
NERVES GO OFF!!!
I know what this means. He wants to have me, and truth be told I want to give it to him, BUT I like him...and I want to see him again, so I don't want to give it up. Not not yet.

So we go. I'm excited and so nervous I can hardly speak.

We get to my house.

Scene: Standing outside the door as I'm unlocking it, hes right behind me...I mean close and I feel him straighten out my collar, grazing my neck as his fingers dig into the jacket. Chills.....

We go in. I give him the 50 cent tour. We sit on the sofa. It begins....

The conversation is a good one. It goes over all kinds of things. Likes, dislikes. Past experiences, past loves, past sex. he shows me his tattoos, ( which of course requires the removal of his shirt...ouch!!!)

Then he blind sides me...
He ask me..."Becky...do you still want to know what its like to kiss me?"

( the night we first met when I found out he had a girlfriend I said "awwww, and I really wanted to know what it was like to kiss you too!"...and he remembered....)

I'm thinking...damn...this guys good...hes got his game down. RESIST!!!

Of course I kiss him.

There are fireworks! Bombs going off! Geysers gushing! Volcanoes erupting!!

I'll spare you the details of what comes next but I can assure you no explanation would do it justice.


I'm in trouble..and I know it. I haven't been kissed...or anything else...like this in YEARS.
I am immediately obsessed.
I cant stop thinking about him, and the thing is I feel like its not going to happen again. I feel like I know who this is. Ive been with him before and I know what hes like. He will call me, string me along, keep me hooked just enough to keep me for his plaything. and it will break me. Break my heart and mind like it did years ago.
I have come so far in the past 6 years since the Muffin and the others before him that had a hand in my dismal excuse for self esteem. I have no intention of going back there again, but good God...I know the second I hear from him..IF I ever hear from him again...I'll be there.

I'm a junkie when it comes to men like this. I'm addicted from the first hit.

God help me I want him so badly I can think of little else.
I will see him again for sure. he works where I hang out.
I will see him Friday after work as a matter of fact. I'm already nervous.
What will he do? Will he break my heart already or at least give me the string for a while?

Maybe the quick knife to the heart would be best.

I'm in trouble.

Thankful

I ask you, what kind of sicko invented a holiday based on FOOD!
I know whats its supposed to be for, but lets face it, Thanksgiving is one of those holidays that basically is a big sign saying LETS EAT!!
And eat whatever you want!
Dive into that pumpkin pie!
Swim in that creamy gravy, after all, its covering the oh so healthy turkey!
Ham, stuffing, sweets of every kind. Oooh..it makes me ill just thinking of it. Also a little hungry...

Now in our family we actually do make an effort to make healthy choices for dinner.
Tomorrow I'm making a dish of stuffed acorn squash. The stuffing is made of wild mushrooms, dried cranberries and sauteed onion & garlic. Fresh sage and a TINY bit of wheat bread crumbs. Just enough to bind it together along with a few egg whites.
No butter, a tiny bit of olive oil to saute in, and that's it.
And its good.
Were also having steamed cauliflower and green beans. Cheese sauce optional..
The traditional dressing along side the turkey, which is smoked on the green egg ( yum!) and your standard cranberry sauce and yeast rolls...
OK, no joke..I am a yeast roll junkie...I feel like I could eat an entire pan of yeast rolls...maybe 2...
I'm also picking up Luscious Lemon bars and Fantastic Fudge brownies from our local sin shop, Southern Sweets.
So some good and some bad...and the yeast rolls are just EVIL!!

Its time to be thankful.

I am thankful that I have a wonderful family that supports me mentally and financially when necessary.
I am thankful that I have a nice house and the sweetest baby dog in the world to come home to!
I am thankful that I have a job, even with the hours being cut, that I like to go to, and that I can afford nice things ( shoes) and live very comfortably.
I am thankful that I have food to eat, all be it too much and the wrong foods a lot of the time, I know there are people out there, even in America, that will be going to be hungry tomorrow night on what should be their fullest day of the year.
I am thankful for my friends that I know will always be there to put things right and make memories with.
Finally, I'm thankful to just be alive. Alive, relatively healthy, and happy.


Happy Thanksgiving.

Catching up

Wow, its been a while.
Well my sister is OK. It turns out it wasn't colon cancer but Chrones Disease instead. After a horrible hospital stay which included and infection, then home again, another infection, and yet another hospital stay, she seems to be on the road to recovery.
One thing it did for me was get me talking to her again.
One thing it did for her was to put her priorities in place. Changes are in the wind for her and I'm glad. Life is so short and its such a shame to spend them in situations that make you unhappy.

As for me, well, I'm trucking along. My hours at work have been cut to 20 a week, which makes it difficult to make ends meet.
On a positive note, Ive started a personal Chef service for my parents which is making up for some of the money I'm losing as well as giving me experience in doing that kind of work. I'm hoping I can find a few more people that will pay for the service and turn it into a regular part time gig.

On the weight front there is no change. Ive again lost all motivation and drive to do anything.
I just don't know whats wrong with me but I sure do wish I could change it.
Wishing ain't getting!
I know...you have to DO or DO NOT!
Pfft!
Whatever.
I still wish.