Sometimes I wonder weather I'm really picking on stuff that doesn't need to be picked on, or if I really have a good point in my worries.
I've been really worried about my pending house sale and move to Moms house and have repeatedly expressed this to R ( lets just go with "R" from now on), but have not gotten much sympathy or feedback, which is more than frustrating.
Tuesday before Labor Day Weekend I was having a conversation with R, and during it I got really upset. I was talking about the future, and basically wanted to know what his thoughts were on the subject as far as he and I go.
My concerns are that when I move, our relationship will suffer for many reasons, and I just needed (NEED) him to tell me how he feels about that, or if he's thinking about our future at all.
When the response I got was more of a brush off ending in "I cant really think past today.." I got really upset. Yes I am a "planner" by nature, and I get that can be annoying to a non-planner type, but lets face it, at some point you HAVE to plan something for your future if only financially.
Well, he hasn't, and evidently doesn't PLAN to! My response to this lack of care about us, or even just himself, really upset me, and I ended up saying something that he thought was insulting to his kids, when in fact I was actually nailing HIM. I told him that based on the way he has always described the way he raised his kids (who are all in their 20's except one whos going to be 18 in the spring) "like wolves" that I wouldn't count on them taking care of him when he gets old.
I get it, its his kids. His family, so it stung him and he reacted by basically not talking to me civilly for the next few days until finally we hashed it out. I guess I'm just looking for some kind of stability with him and the future and I'm having to fight for it at every turn. Its exhausting.
This was the Friday before Labor Day weekend. He knows how much that weekend means to my family, and we were all going to be up at moms. Me for several days, and E and B&J just for one night. It was really important that he come to support ME especially given the fact that after the birthday fight at B&Js I have not been hanging out with them and have pretty much washed my hands of them and that whole group. So when R said he was not coming, I was upset, but more just over it. I give up-gave up. Resigned to deal with the difficult weekend ahead and that R was just not going to be that person for me. No pool for him. No socializing. No being a part of these outdoor activities that I love so much. I even thought, "well, this is just the way its going to be. Were never going to do these type things together, and if you want to stay with him you either have to accept it or not be with him because its never going to change."
So Saturday came and as I prepped the grill late in the afternoon, just going through the motions of being happy, R showed up. Then I WAS happy. I was surprised and happy. But it gets better. I knew of course he wasn't going to participate in the pool so I didn't even try asking him to get in (even though is was hot as HELL that whole weekend). I didn't ask him to socialize with the couple of friends I had up or the family. ( it was a weird one...B&J showed but didn't stay the night, E didn't show up because of a flat time, and I had MG and her daughter up) and after dinner was over and B&J had gone home, we were sitting outside and I wanted to night swim so I got in. MG and her daughter got in, and then....drum roll please...R GOT IN THE POOL! You could have knocked me out with a feather. It was so great. I cant even say how happy I was.
Now I don't know if that's why the next few weekends we've spent together have been so good but they really have. Well, with one exception...I felt fat shamed last Friday night when he picked at me for getting snacks late at night for us. Actually it really REALLY upset me, but after talking to him about it the next day ( I was really quiet all night and the next day, and I know he knew something was wrong but didn't say anything about it) I know he was just doing what I told him I wanted to do, which is stop snacking so much. I knew it even when he said it, but it still hurt. I'm over it though because the truth is I DO need to NOT snack like that anymore, and now that he knows I don't react well to The Food Police, I think he will keep his feelings to himself, although now that I KNOW what they are, I probably just wont do it anymore in front of him, which I kind of hate, because it does take away some of the total comfort I had with him, but again, it really is for the best.
All in all I just want to travel a smooth road for a while. The one I've been on for so long now has left me beat to hell, and I'm very tired. Much stress is ahead though as this week I am prepping my house to hopefully go up for sale in a couple of weeks at a decent price.
Am I still uncertain about the move? Yes, but at this point with the pandemic sill raging on my work has suffered so much that even if I knew it was going to destroy R and I to move, I don't think I have much of a choice anymore. Another bump...
