Say Goodbye to 2009

Last year went out with a bang. A bunch of us went to Trackside and blew out the year in typical drunken fashion. Happy times at the Track for sure. Got the pictures to prove it too! Then the year really began. It started out a little rough with the announcement that my hours were being cut even further than they had already, and that made me have to really hit the pavement looking for a job. I was, admittedly, taking it easy with this venture. I think besides being scared of the change in general I was just happy to sit back and enjoy so much free time. Why not? My parents ( struggling) were making up for the difference in my salary and I was getting a free ride. Having a fine old time working 2 or 3 days a week. This lasted about 3 weeks before I started to feel like I didn't NEED to have that much time off. That me having that time off was destructive and unhealthy. Drinking way too much, spending too much money going out, just being lazy in general.

So I plunged in to the job market, pretty unsuccessfully, until my sister intervened and found an opportunity with a company her friend worked at, which, as of March 30th, is where I ended up.

During the interview process I was nervous and excited and wanted it so badly.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I guess I didn't know what it was going to end up being like.

How could I? I mean, I knew I was going to have to make some adjustments. I knew my life was going to change, and I honestly was ready to embrace that change. That lasted for about 2 weeks.

Its been all down hill from there.

Now looking back, I realize I had 2 years at least of time where I could have gone back to school, or tried to develop a business in the Culinary world and I blew it.

I realize, and not for the first time, that my laziness and complacency has placed me right where I am, which is absolutely nowhere, and I hate it.

I used to think it was simple fear of the unknown, and maybe that was what drove it, but the easy path is well.....easier. Ive taken that my whole life, and always end up looking back thinking, WHY didnt I do this or that when I had the chance?

Ive been turning over in my head for months what I can do to make my life different.

No one is going to come along and save me. I think that's what my parents have tried to do for me all along, and despite my selfish need to continue it, I know I have to cut that cord.

Even if they wanted to help me make a change they cant afford it anymore so whatever happens at this point is up to me.

So I'm thinking.

What do I REALLY want to do? If I could snap my fingers and do anything, (other than being independently wealthy and doing nothing...I am trying to keep this in reality a little bit), what would it be?

So there are two things that I like to do, and do well. One, Photography, two, cooking.

I did the photo school bit, and I think I could make some effort to build a portfolio to make some money doing head shots or something. Maybe try to get back into architectural, (although that's probably out since everything is digital now) or maybe try doing shows on the weekend with the prints I already have for extra money.

I think some of this is doable for some cash and extra curricular activity, but not a real job.

Not unless I somehow after 15 years of being out of the biz (and never really in it that much) get some business sense and sales ability and oh, a digital 4x5 to the tune of $3,000.

Not likely.

So cooking.

I cant go to school.
Id really LIKE to go to school, but I don't think that's feasible at this point.
Ive talked to a couple of people that are in the industry and gotten some pretty good advice. The best from my friend Scott.
An accomplished Chef that went to Culinary school, and is now , after many years of hard work, a head chef at a restaurant he actually likes. His ultimate dream being to open a place of his own doing breakfast and lunch only, on the beach.
I can tell you, from knowing him, I believe he will achieve this dream. No doubt about it.

Scott told me many things that have given me grist for my thinking mill, but the one thing that I believe was the best was actually the question he asked ME.
"What is your ultimate goal in this industry?"
To which I had no real answer.
So I started to think of what the opportunities are for a person in the culinary world and instead of checking things of that I liked, I began checking things off that I dont like.

I know I don't want to own a restaurant. I know I don't want to be involved in big catering. I cant and have no desire to manage a restaurant....blah blah blah.
So for me that leaves personal chef, teaching, and writing.

The personal chef. Well, I cant say I really "tried" this since I (we..Renee and I) never really moved forward with the idea, largely due to me wanting the stars to be in perfect alignment before I took the plunge.
I still don't count this option out, but I also am just as clueless as I was before about how to go about making it happen.
I bought a book around the time that we were talking about this business and Ive never read it through. I guess that would be a good place to start.

The other thing I think would be really GREAT to be able to do is write a cook book.

OK, I know, there are millions of books out there written by accomplished Chefs and people don't make their fortunes off of them. But maybe if I just do it for me, to actually ACCOMPLISH something that I set my mind to. To FINISH it and somehow see it in print, even if the only copies are given away to my family and friends.
Now that would be something.

So that's my idea. But there is a twist to it.

I cant quit my job right now so I'm going to make the best of it. Really try to make it work and do well at it. I'll suck it up and take the patronizing and cold corporate shoulders. I mean after all, its not like I WANT to fail at this job. If I have to do this Id like to at least be successful at it. So that's goal number ONE.

In the mean time, I will work on my book.
How will my book be different? Eh, it might not be, who knows. But for me that's not the point.
I'm not the best writer, but I'm not the worst either. I think I can narrate a book about food alright. After all, Ive been totally obsessed with it for my whole life, so I must have SOMETHING to say about it that counts.
Also, I'm still on the track to lose weight, so Ive decided to document that part of my life in the book, as I'm cooking and eating what I cook. Analyzing the food content and making myself aware of what I'm eating on a deeper level, as well as creating ways to make delicious food that you CAN lose weight while still enjoying eating.

Yes yes yes, I know that not only are there a million cook books out there but probably about FOUR million "diet" books out there.
This is NOT going to be a diet book. This is a cook book, and if I happen to lose weight while documenting it so much the better.

If not, then I'll still have a great reference of food that I can refer to even if no one else ever sees it. The point it FINISHING IT!

The final link in the chain is that I can photograph everything as well. I can write it, cook it, style it, and photograph it. There are not many that can say that!

So maybe I'm going into this with total delusions of grandeur, and thinking that doing this will some how save me.
That through the writing and cooking and analyzing and the struggle of weight loss I will come out on the other side clean and happy.
And I will have accomplished something I can be proud of.

I thought about giving myself a year to do this. Kind of like Julie whats her name, (not being snide, I really don't know her last name) from "Julie and Julia", and maybe I was a little inspired by her story, but I'm not expecting to gain thousands of readers that send me money via Pay Pal to continue my journey.
This ones all on me. If I'm done in a year, great. If not, then I'm at least hoping that this time next year I can look back at my progress and be happy with it. In both my "real" work life and my "hopeful" one.

Happy New Year.

Christmas

Christmas 2009. Every year seems to come to an end faster and faster. This one I'm glad to say is almost over. This has not been a banner year for me.
I sit here at my job that Ive grown not just to dislike, but actually hate.
I know it could be worse, but that doesn't make it feel any better for me on a day to day basis.
Every morning is a challenge to get out of bed and come in.
I don't know what to do about my employment situation, but I have to make some kind of change. Either make this job better ( HOW???!!) or find something else to do.
Ive been tossing the idea of trying to get into the culinary world somehow. (HOW???!!)
I really don't know what to do.
I'm not unhappy as a whole with my life, but I AM unhappy.
I hope this holiday season...which is almost over...is a good one, and I hope the next year is better than this one.