A Year Gone By....

Today is March 24th. This time last year I was getting ready to start my new job. My new life.

So what has happened in this past year? Well I guess I can just look back over the old posts and see it has not been a good one.

I did start working out again last week. Pissed off at myself for slacking off for 3 months and facing 40 any minute now I finally inspired myself to get back in the game, and when I got up yesterday and today I felt like I am suddenly back in the groove. That makes me happy.

Also, last week I got the opportunity to interview for a different job. I scheduled it and was really thinking that it might be a good change. More money blah blah blah. Then I started looking into the company more and realized that it was even more corporate than where I am now so I cancelled.

This started making me analyze my job as it stands.
Do I hate it as badly as Ive been shouting to anyone that will listen?
I'm not sure anymore.
Do I love it? No. Absolutely not. I hate the structure. I hate not being able to take off when I want to with or without pay. I hate the quiet and the cubicles. I HATE having to wear the stupid cloths that look like shit on me. I hate the condescending manner that the 2 women I have to deal with have with me almost constantly, and I hate the fact that I don't make enough money to live like I want to...or even pay all my bills.

OK so that doesn't look so good.

On the other hand, I am getting used to it. I'm able to do the work better this time of year because I'm familiar with it. There are still too many days where I don't have enough to do, and the little Napoleon lady that I work with still hordes the work. Shes never going to leave this job either so my position will always be "under" her, even though I was hired as her equal.

Its a paycheck. I can do the work, and hopefully they will let us do summer hours again this year which makes life worth living for 3 months.

That didn't sound right. Life is worth living for sure. I'm still having happy moments. I was walking through my house this past Sunday reveling on how happy I was at that moment. I want more and I will have to work for it. Maybe that's what makes me mad. Id much rather someone just give it to me!

I'm still on the plan to do photography. Still thinking of how to make that happen. Money is always the problem. I need equipment, a web site, advertising, AND most importantly I need more experience.
Ive been shooting more recently and I need to keep that up. Start thinking about what I'm doing rather than just picking up the camera and pressing a button.

I'm not giving up. never giving up. I do want to be able to walk out of here one day into a life that I control and I know that it wont happen unless I make it happen.

Ive been whining and complaining a bunch for a while now. Ive been VERY depressed, but still remained hopeful. I just need someone to hear me sometimes. Everyone has their problems I guess so I need to get it together on my own. I'm all I have in the end anyway. I'm realizing that more and more.

SMUCK IT!

Inspiration gone. Typical.

Bad vibes Good vibes

This is going to be short. Ive been slack, depressed and generally down in the dumps for months now. Nothing seems to make me want to get out of bed in the morning. Until recently. I'm almost afraid to speak about what or who has begun to make me rethink things, for fear it will disappear. Seems like the minute I announce something like this it goes away.
Would that work I wonder if i announced I'm turning 40 in 3- 1/2 months? Doubtful, but my track record does leave me a little superstitious, so I'll keep it to myself for now, just writing down that i hope this...whatever it is....is going to be a good thing in my life that will inspire me like nothing has in a long time.