Cleaning out the closet.

Or, the pantry as it happens....
I bet if I go back through this blog I could probably find at least 10 times when Ive announced that I was ready for change. That I was going to DO IT this time!
And then a week later, maybe 2, it would all be over again.

Well, add this one to the pile, cause I'm ready...again.
I'm cleaning out my pantry, my freezer, and my fridge. I usually keep a pretty good stock of groceries on hand, and not all of them are healthy.
So this morning, after waking up disgusted with myself, again, I decided to start the cleaning process.
In the past Ive done these pantry purges and just bagged up tons of food and thrown it away. Something about just trashing it made me feel clean.
This time, however, I'm taking a different approach. I'm going to eat everything I have in the fridge, freezer and pantry, then just not buy bad things again.
I don't want to see a PACKED freezer anymore.
I want to go the grocery store and buy just what I need for the week, and that's it.
I want to have NOTHING in my house that's even remotely tempting.

Oh don't get me wrong. I'm not going to eat everything at once! no no noooo. I'm going to eat like I normally do, just using what I have and not buying anything else until I HAVE to.
This will come in handy right now because I'm pretty broke, and I happen to have enough stocks to feed a small village for a week!
So this will be a slower process of purging, and through it I will be able to enjoy a few things for the last time and be done with it.

Yes, I have to do it that way. I hear people tell me, Oh, no , you can have a little of this or that, just don't go crazy. Well guess what? I go crazy.
Ive said it before and I'll say it again. Pizza is my crack and Papa Johns is my dealer!!!

I use that as an example, but I think you get my meaning.
I have to have all or nothing. Its just the way it is.

Also, I'm again going to make the effort to get back into the severe working out.
I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and for the 10 millionth time was beside myself with disgust.
I'm 38, going on 39, and I do NOT want to live my last year of the 30s as a grotesque blob.

When I was 29 I made the decision that I didn't want to turn 30 as a huge gross girl. And I didn't. Back then I started in January and went in head first , balls to the wall. I dropped 80 lbs in 5 months.
I know it was unhealthy, but it worked for me. What I need to do now is learn how to get there again without being quite so unhealthy, maybe take a bit longer to get there, and learn to maintain it when I do get there.

I cant believe its been 9 years ago that I lost all that weight, just to be looking at it on my body again, and facing the pain and struggle to get it off again, hopefully this time for good.

I swore back then that Id never let myself be this fat again. I even told myself if I ever got past a certain number Id kill myself.
Well I did go past it, by umm, 75 lbs. and I'm still here.
I want to live the rest of my life in my real body. The one hiding under all this pain.

So the purge begins.
I need to get on that treadmill when I get home. Please God help me to do it.

Gone a while

I haven't written in a while. Ive been, well, depressed I think. I mean life goes on and all that just like it always does with me. Maybe that's it..just like it always does and I need change.
The economy sucks and I will likely be losing hours at my job soon, which I cant afford. My parents helped me out last year when this happened but they cant afford to this year, even though I know they will try.
I'm a failure.
I try to lose weight, I fail. I try to find another job( for umm oh over a year now) and I fail. That failure is related to my failure to finish college, and now its too late.
Ive been spending a lot of time sleeping, which I like, but I also know its a sign of depression.
I'm so not motivated.
I'm still weighing myself and I haven't really gained weight, but of course I'm not losing it either.
My treadmill has been untouched since before I went on vacation.
Ive been praying a lot and I know Gods pretty busy these days, ( like hes never NOT busy), but I feel like I know his answer. God helps those that help themselves.
On that note, I do try..or at least I have tried..and my motivation gets squashed over and over again.
I know I'm lucky and my life is blessed with many things, and I'm thankful for all of them.
I'm just in a real bad funk and cant seem to shake it.
Help.