It’s been a month since my last post. A strange month, but a good one I suppose for the most part.
When I last wrote I was just beginning to feel the separation between R and me. Now it feels very real, and the actual relationship feels very far away. He has not stopped trying to contact me. He has sent me flowers multiple times, and I unblocked him a week ago just to see if he was still calling me, and he is.
I’ve listened to his voicemails and it doesn’t even sound like him. He sounds robotic and rehearsed. Saying things like “baby”, which he never ever called me when we were together. He’s still hyper focused on the one thing that really doesn’t matter to me. Well, that’s not true entirely. It does matter to me that he cheated on me and lied to me at the end. He is still missing the point though. The real issues were far beyond that and the fact that he doesn’t see that tells me that I made the right decision. Not that I need a reminder, but recent events have made me miss being with him again. Not to the point that I would consider getting back together, just more making me think about what might have been had he been capable of the level of affection and care that I need in a partner.
What events have made me look back at what I had? I met someone. It was actually the day that I last posted, and since then it feels like a small whirlwind of dates and getting my head around a new person.
This new person is nice, sweet, very cute, and very affectionate. We have very intense physical chemistry. Something that has been absent from my life for so long I literally forgot what it felt like, until it hit me like a brick the first time he kissed me. Actually it hit me the first time he touched me, pre-kiss, and all he did was put his hand on the small of my back when he was opening a door for me.
We have been taking things slowly. Partly because of my situation at home, and partly because I just want to do it right for once. The only other person I ever took this much time with before getting into sex was He Who Shall Not Be Named, and I considered him to be the love of my life for a very long time. I think now because of how it began. It was respectful and made me feel very special in a way I never had before.
This is the way that the new guy makes me feel. It’s different of course than it was before because I’m also very cautious and guarded. I’ve been through a lot since that time in 2012, and even after declaring that I would never let anyone take advantage of me, or lie to me again, I seemed to end up with guys that did just that. My rules were set but not followed, until now.
There are issues of course. Nothing can be just right, and as irritating as that is, and possibly deal breaking in some cases, I’m going to see it through for a little while longer. It’s nice to have someone that thinks about you and considers your feelings and needs, and I want this experience.
The issues that do exist are likely the reason I have been thinking about R, but those thoughts, even the good ones, are marked with the realization that he is incapable of being the person that I need in my life as a partner, no matter how hard he might try. It’s sad, and I feel sorry for him in a way, because I think he’s really going to have problems finding someone else that will be as understanding as I was with all of his issues. I don’t want him to end up alone and sad, but he’s not my responsibility, and I feel like behind those messages of love and anguish are lies, even if he’s just lying to himself.
So yes, this month away from the blog has been good and bad. The only real bad is that I stopped going to the gym again after hurting my back…again…and it’s caused me to gain back a few of the almost 10 lbs I’ve worked very hard to shed. I’m not giving up though.
It does make me realize how hard it is to break old bad habits and how easy it is to fall back into them given one little excuse. Not going to the gym doesn’t mean that I need to stay up late and snack.
In any case, I’m trying and that is a good thing, I just have to be more disciplined than I have been recently. I had hoped to be down at least 10 lbs if not more by next week because ion May the 4th I’ll be flying to Melbourne to see Gwenn!
Yup, that’s right. I’m getting on an actual plane, by myself, and going to see my friend. The last time I was on a plane was on the way home from Washington in January of 2015 after burying dad at Arlington. I’m nervous and excited at the same time. I’m worried about my dog begin left here with Elise and mom though. She seems so frail suddenly. Sometimes I think the move, and now R missing from her life has made her sad. She has a younger dog to compete with and it seems like she’s just not he old happy self much anymore. Elise is a good dog owner, but she’s blind to the fact that her dog can be dangerous with the little ones. He’s not aggressive or mean in any way, but when he’s startled, he reacts, and the last time he did that with Gabby he snapped at her face, just catching her on the eye lid. A vary scary moment. I’m afraid that she’s not going to pay enough attention to Gabby and that something horrible will happen while I’m gone. Losing my dog would kill my soul. She’s my heart. I know she will be gone one day but I hope that’s not for a very long time. Ok…I just cried. Enough.
I’m other news, Beth is still bad off, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. She’s taken the steps necessary to have her hospital tests done and that is the last step before being reviewed by the transplant board. I still worry that she’s either drinking a little, or thinking about it. She has lied to me about a few things to do with her dr appointments and such, and one lie to the transplant people and it’s over. She was telling me the other day that she had been wondering just how they can legitimately test her for drinking if it’s typically out of your system in a few days with conventional tests. That made me think she was looking for ways to do it under the radar, or at the very least, that she will probably start again after she gets a new liver. Sadly that wouldn’t surprise me.
I will see her Saturday as I am going to a wake for a friend’s boyfriend. I didn’t know him, but I do know her, very well. We have not spent a lot of time together in several years but I am so heart sick over her sudden loss. Anne Marie Peterson has seen a lot of tragedy in her life, and this one is so out of left field it’s crazy. Much like the death of her little sister several years ago. At any rate, I’ll be heading back to Decatur Saturday and will see all the people I used to be friends with and haven’t seen since the pandemic began. I’m not looking forward to it actually. It’s selfish of me, but it’s hard for me to go back there. I will do it for Anne Marie though, and later that evening I have a date with the new guy. He’s told me it’s going to be a special night so that I am looking forward to. It might end up being THE night. We will see.
Life is funny. Sad mixed with happy. Anticipation of good mixed with loss. Frustration mixed with ultimate happiness.
