Saturday I did an excellent work out. I felt really good about myself and had a perfect day. Went out that night to Thinking Mans 5th anniversary party which was a blast.
Sunday came and I didn't feel well, but decided to work out anyway, which was a mistake, because I wasn't feeling strong.
I was a little hung over and tired. Not enough sleep and just not thinking straight.
So I get on my weight bench and start doing bench presses.
I forgot that Saturday Id added 13 more pounds to it and for some reason I just wasn't being careful.
The weight perched over my face / chest, it starts to lurch to the left and before I knew what happened I was crashing to the floor off the bench.
Weight fell on top of me, but I did manage to keep it off my face.
I did, however, land on 3 barbells that were on the floor below me.
After peeling myself off the floor and discovering I was leaving a trail of blood where I was walking, I figured out Id hurt myself pretty good.
I didn't go to the Dr Sunday, I waited until I woke up Monday morning in horrible stiffness and pain, then decided I needed to go.
I have severely bruised ribs, a bruised shoulder, hip, a sprained knee and somehow I managed to take a chunk of flesh out of my right heel.
I guess I'm lucky. They thought the ribs were broken. Lucky for me I had a nice layer of fat protecting my fall!!
No seriously, the Dr even said that...
The big suck is, of course, that I have to lay off exercising while I heal. I'm not even sure I could stand to put my foot into a closed shoe right now, and that hole in my heel is going to take a while to..well..HEAL!!
So I'm a bit frustrated and mad at myself for being so stupid. I missed a day of work too, so now I'm going to be super broke this week to boot.
*sigh*
Oh well. I guess I will just try and eat well, although I didn't yesterday at all.
I will do slow walks on the treadmill while my knee heals and not stress it out with my beloved ( and hated) knee raises.
I will lay off the weights in general, and take the actual weight back down a notch until I'm sure I can handle it again.
Its so frustrating to be making any progress at all then have this kind of setback.
The universe is playing with me!!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
The Power of Positive Thinking
I'm sure by now everyone has heard of The Secret. Its not really a secret, its positive thinking, plain and simple.
When I first heard of this secret I was annoyed by the dumb gullible people once again jumping on the band wagon of the latest fad, and I refused to even look into it.
Then yesterday I saw an Oprah show...( yes God help me I watched Oprah).. where they were sort of reviewing the idea again and I got the gist. Yes, its true, it is simply positive thinking, and everyone knows that if your always thinking about the negative that's pretty much what you get back.
The one thing it does do is give you ideas of how to begin to train yourself to HAVE the positive thoughts and to push out the negative ones.
That's where I fall short. I dwell on my past and what I should have done instead of what I can do in my future if I am paying attention to NOW.
One of the things I heard to do was to make a board with things you would like to have happen in your life. Or start more simply. Write 3 things you would like to have most on a post-it and stick it on a mirror you look into every day.
So last night I wrote:
Romantic Love
My Career
Healthy Lifestyle
As you can see my health is at the bottom of the list and love is at the top. Career being in the middle.
As of this moment, looking at the screen, I realized as I was typing those words I have my priorities mixed up.
What I need first is a healthy lifestyle, then the job, then the love, because if I'm not happy in the other things the love is not going to be right for me, or likely never come at all.
( is that thinking in the negative?)
So I'm going to go home and reorder my list, then maybe start that board, only I'm going to use the wall in my gym room. Instead of plastering the walls with pictures of the hot barback or anyone else that has clearly not been a good influence in my life, I'm going to start with my dreams. What I want.
become a Personal Chef
Fix up the kitchen
Get the yard landscaped
maybe add a bathroom
make more money
go to the beach more often
go deep sea fishing
take a balloon ride
go places I have never been like Savannah, and Charleston
get my weight to a manageable level so my health is better and I can travel more
go to Ireland
let romantic love find me
these are a few things, and I can have them all if I put my mind to them.
The power of positive thinking. Ive never really had it.
Even when I thought I was being positive Id still dwell on the past. Ive never really looked at the future.
Once someone asked me where I saw myself in 5 years and I honestly couldnt say. Not even when I thought about it, because I never HAVE thought about it.
So now I am thinking about it.
Its so hard to change your mind. Harder than getting on the treadmill when your tired, harder than eating right when your feeling lazy and just plain hungry for junk.
Changing your mind set is like brainwashing yourself.
I'm going to need all my strength.
Looking back over this blog/purge I see several occasions where Ive announced that I'm doing just that, and it hasn't happened yet.
( again...negative??)
What happens? Do I just forget about it one day? Maybe so. Maybe that's where the dream board ( or wall in my case) comes into play. To be a constant reminder of what you want and whats out there for you to have.
So heres to the dreams of us all! May we have the mind to make them come true.
When I first heard of this secret I was annoyed by the dumb gullible people once again jumping on the band wagon of the latest fad, and I refused to even look into it.
Then yesterday I saw an Oprah show...( yes God help me I watched Oprah).. where they were sort of reviewing the idea again and I got the gist. Yes, its true, it is simply positive thinking, and everyone knows that if your always thinking about the negative that's pretty much what you get back.
The one thing it does do is give you ideas of how to begin to train yourself to HAVE the positive thoughts and to push out the negative ones.
That's where I fall short. I dwell on my past and what I should have done instead of what I can do in my future if I am paying attention to NOW.
One of the things I heard to do was to make a board with things you would like to have happen in your life. Or start more simply. Write 3 things you would like to have most on a post-it and stick it on a mirror you look into every day.
So last night I wrote:
Romantic Love
My Career
Healthy Lifestyle
As you can see my health is at the bottom of the list and love is at the top. Career being in the middle.
As of this moment, looking at the screen, I realized as I was typing those words I have my priorities mixed up.
What I need first is a healthy lifestyle, then the job, then the love, because if I'm not happy in the other things the love is not going to be right for me, or likely never come at all.
( is that thinking in the negative?)
So I'm going to go home and reorder my list, then maybe start that board, only I'm going to use the wall in my gym room. Instead of plastering the walls with pictures of the hot barback or anyone else that has clearly not been a good influence in my life, I'm going to start with my dreams. What I want.
become a Personal Chef
Fix up the kitchen
Get the yard landscaped
maybe add a bathroom
make more money
go to the beach more often
go deep sea fishing
take a balloon ride
go places I have never been like Savannah, and Charleston
get my weight to a manageable level so my health is better and I can travel more
go to Ireland
let romantic love find me
these are a few things, and I can have them all if I put my mind to them.
The power of positive thinking. Ive never really had it.
Even when I thought I was being positive Id still dwell on the past. Ive never really looked at the future.
Once someone asked me where I saw myself in 5 years and I honestly couldnt say. Not even when I thought about it, because I never HAVE thought about it.
So now I am thinking about it.
Its so hard to change your mind. Harder than getting on the treadmill when your tired, harder than eating right when your feeling lazy and just plain hungry for junk.
Changing your mind set is like brainwashing yourself.
I'm going to need all my strength.
Looking back over this blog/purge I see several occasions where Ive announced that I'm doing just that, and it hasn't happened yet.
( again...negative??)
What happens? Do I just forget about it one day? Maybe so. Maybe that's where the dream board ( or wall in my case) comes into play. To be a constant reminder of what you want and whats out there for you to have.
So heres to the dreams of us all! May we have the mind to make them come true.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Everyone needs a poke now and then.
Well, I survived the birthday weekend, and I'm moving forward. I gained a couple of pounds over the weekend but now I'm back ...AGAIN...at the 2 lbs away from breaking my wall.
The only good thing about this is that most times when I gain weight over the weekend it takes me all week to get back down again..just in time to gain it back!! This week I'm starting off 2 lbs away and I'm already ahead of what Id planned for myself.
So after 4 days of drinking and eating to excess I'm back on track. I really must thank my gay husband, Sam for this.
I had already planned on working out this evening after work, and usually never do Mondays because I'm always feeling like crap after the weekend.
Yesterday was no different, accept my house was thrashed and I can NOT live in a mess so I knew when I went home I was going to be cleaning.
I get going, cleaning, putting things away, getting things in order.
6:30, and I am wrapping it up for the evening. Not done yet but I'm thinking ..its couch time....when I get a text.
"I know you don't do Mondays but just get on the treadmill for 30 minutes..you'll thank me tomorrow for the poke.."
So I did. Right that minute. In fact I did almost my full work out. I stopped short when I got a headache and started feeling nauseous, but up until then I was trucking along, and felt great afterwards in spite of the sicky feeling.
So thanks Sammie!! Sometimes a girl just needs a good poke.
The only good thing about this is that most times when I gain weight over the weekend it takes me all week to get back down again..just in time to gain it back!! This week I'm starting off 2 lbs away and I'm already ahead of what Id planned for myself.
So after 4 days of drinking and eating to excess I'm back on track. I really must thank my gay husband, Sam for this.
I had already planned on working out this evening after work, and usually never do Mondays because I'm always feeling like crap after the weekend.
Yesterday was no different, accept my house was thrashed and I can NOT live in a mess so I knew when I went home I was going to be cleaning.
I get going, cleaning, putting things away, getting things in order.
6:30, and I am wrapping it up for the evening. Not done yet but I'm thinking ..its couch time....when I get a text.
"I know you don't do Mondays but just get on the treadmill for 30 minutes..you'll thank me tomorrow for the poke.."
So I did. Right that minute. In fact I did almost my full work out. I stopped short when I got a headache and started feeling nauseous, but up until then I was trucking along, and felt great afterwards in spite of the sicky feeling.
So thanks Sammie!! Sometimes a girl just needs a good poke.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Last Day of 37
Well, today is my last day as a 37 year old.
37...38....
38 sounds so OLD!!
I feel like I'm still 16. Hell I still act like I am sometimes!
I know I don't look 38. I will say while my gene pool does swim in the fat zone, the one good thing about it is that I don't look my age.
I was looking at some photographs recently of people in my high school at their 10th reunion. This August is the 20th. ( ouch!)
I have never been to any of them and don't intend to go to this one. I would if I was not so fat, but coming from high school as "the fat girl", I really don't want to return that way.
I thought about this and was a little bitter about it seeing that back in 2000 / 2001 /2002 I was thin enough that I would have gone to a reunion.
Bad timing.... no bad ME!
I look back a lot. Regretting things and wishing Id done this or that differently.
I don't usually make New Years resolutions per say, but I do usually make promises to myself on my birthday.
Next year I will be this weight...
Next year I will have a new job...
Next year I will not be alone....
Pretty much the same things every year, and pretty much the same results ...nothing changes.
I wanted to be a certain weight this year by my birthday. I'm 12 lbs away from that goal, but as of this morning I'm again at that magical 2 - 3 lb place where I have been stuck, and I'm praying that if I work very hard tonight I will see those 3 lbs gone tomorrow morning, but I know realistically that's not going to happen.
BUT, just because I missed the deadline does not mean I'm giving up.
Hell Ive never really given up. Even in the years in my 20s when I hid in my house and gained hundreds of pounds I still in my head never really gave up.
I remember sliding up and down on my Total Gym in the basement hoping that it would help me. I did glute lifts against my wall in my bedroom so much I actually stretched the carpet!
I wore the rollers off on the Total Gym eventually as well. I guess I exceeded the weight limit for the machine.....but the point is I never gave up.
Sure it was years later that I finally really got devoted to working out and not eating, but it did happen.
Somewhere inside me burns a thin flame. I feel it when I work out. I feel it when I look in the mirror and see a thinner me than actually exists. Its buried inside a mound of misery disguised as fat and I've got to find it again.
So again, tomorrow I'm 38, and this year I will make it!
I will make it past this wall I keep hitting. I will get a better job, I will live a healthier life mentally and physically. I'm not going to say I wont be alone because I feel like, as before, when I lost weight the guys just come naturally. Hell they come around now, they just don't stay.
Hmmm I am just suddenly wondering, what did my post this time last year say?
*pause*...
37...38....
38 sounds so OLD!!
I feel like I'm still 16. Hell I still act like I am sometimes!
I know I don't look 38. I will say while my gene pool does swim in the fat zone, the one good thing about it is that I don't look my age.
I was looking at some photographs recently of people in my high school at their 10th reunion. This August is the 20th. ( ouch!)
I have never been to any of them and don't intend to go to this one. I would if I was not so fat, but coming from high school as "the fat girl", I really don't want to return that way.
I thought about this and was a little bitter about it seeing that back in 2000 / 2001 /2002 I was thin enough that I would have gone to a reunion.
Bad timing.... no bad ME!
I look back a lot. Regretting things and wishing Id done this or that differently.
I don't usually make New Years resolutions per say, but I do usually make promises to myself on my birthday.
Next year I will be this weight...
Next year I will have a new job...
Next year I will not be alone....
Pretty much the same things every year, and pretty much the same results ...nothing changes.
I wanted to be a certain weight this year by my birthday. I'm 12 lbs away from that goal, but as of this morning I'm again at that magical 2 - 3 lb place where I have been stuck, and I'm praying that if I work very hard tonight I will see those 3 lbs gone tomorrow morning, but I know realistically that's not going to happen.
BUT, just because I missed the deadline does not mean I'm giving up.
Hell Ive never really given up. Even in the years in my 20s when I hid in my house and gained hundreds of pounds I still in my head never really gave up.
I remember sliding up and down on my Total Gym in the basement hoping that it would help me. I did glute lifts against my wall in my bedroom so much I actually stretched the carpet!
I wore the rollers off on the Total Gym eventually as well. I guess I exceeded the weight limit for the machine.....but the point is I never gave up.
Sure it was years later that I finally really got devoted to working out and not eating, but it did happen.
Somewhere inside me burns a thin flame. I feel it when I work out. I feel it when I look in the mirror and see a thinner me than actually exists. Its buried inside a mound of misery disguised as fat and I've got to find it again.
So again, tomorrow I'm 38, and this year I will make it!
I will make it past this wall I keep hitting. I will get a better job, I will live a healthier life mentally and physically. I'm not going to say I wont be alone because I feel like, as before, when I lost weight the guys just come naturally. Hell they come around now, they just don't stay.
Hmmm I am just suddenly wondering, what did my post this time last year say?
*pause*...
"So my wish for my birthday this year ( for the first time in my life!) is not to be thin next year, its to be happy with who I am no matter how much I weigh, or if I'm still single.Its going to take a lot of work to reprogram my brain but I know it can be done.My glass is going to be half full from now on damn it! "
That was the end of my post from last year. My wish for the year I just finished living.
Did I succeed?
Well, I'm not thin that's for sure! Am I happy with who I am......yes. I have to say I'm happy with myself for the most part. I guess if I think about it I have come a long way toward this goal I set for myself last year. I do think much more positively, I also don't let what people think of me get on my heart as badly as it used to. I'm not unhappy to be single, it just is what it is. So I guess in some way I got my wish!
So OK, it can be done. You do get your birthday wishes after all. I just didn't realize Id gotten it until I went back and read that! I assumed Id wished for the standard weight loss /job change thing. Ummm kind of like I just wished for again...this year!!!
Huh, I feel surprisingly good right now all of the sudden. I can do it. I can make my wishes come true.
It will be slow, like a flower opening so that you cant see it with the naked eye, but one day you wake up and the flower has bloomed. Open and beautiful.
Happy Birthday to ME!
Monday, June 9, 2008
The Bad Habit
Habit.
Its the good VS. evil inner battle that I struggle with so much. Why are good habits so hard to establish when they make you feel SO GOOD!
Why are bad habits so hard to break when they make you feel SO BAD???
I participated in a very bad habit this weekend, that while I dont do it very often, is still bad enough to leave a mental scar, and I'm regretting it today.
Id like to think one of these days I will be able to grow up enough to realize some things are just not worth doing.
Temptation is everywhere for many things that are bad for us and the sooner we ( I ) can gain some inner strength to say NO to them the sooner I will be on my way to a better existence...period.
Its all very logical when you think about it in the cool gray light of morning, but at the time, these bad habits fill the temporary need that your craving, and squash the thought of fear or consequence.
I will be strong in the future. Next time I will say no.
Its the good VS. evil inner battle that I struggle with so much. Why are good habits so hard to establish when they make you feel SO GOOD!
Why are bad habits so hard to break when they make you feel SO BAD???
I participated in a very bad habit this weekend, that while I dont do it very often, is still bad enough to leave a mental scar, and I'm regretting it today.
Id like to think one of these days I will be able to grow up enough to realize some things are just not worth doing.
Temptation is everywhere for many things that are bad for us and the sooner we ( I ) can gain some inner strength to say NO to them the sooner I will be on my way to a better existence...period.
Its all very logical when you think about it in the cool gray light of morning, but at the time, these bad habits fill the temporary need that your craving, and squash the thought of fear or consequence.
I will be strong in the future. Next time I will say no.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Back To The Grind.
Well Gwennie has come and gone and I'm now back to my routine. Sort of anyway...
I didn't end up reaching my goal before she came in town, BUT, as it happens if I can manage to keep my nose to the grindstone I might make it by my birthday.
As of this morning Ive got 14 lbs to shake in 10 days.
Crash diet anyone?
I doubt I'll make it but at least I'm closer to my goal than I thought I was going to be after 10 days of vacation.
I actually lost 5 lbs with her here! Shes in the zone. Getting on the treadmill every day. We went hiking, swimming, and worked out at my home gym while she was here. Very inspiring.
Of course, I'm tired today, and don't feel like working out when I get home but hopefully the mood will strike me. I need the exercise and the detox!
I'm hanging my liver up to dry this week for sure! Poor thing, between the food and the drinking from the last 10 days I'm sure my body is in total "FU" mode.
Was it worth it? Why, of course!
We had a blast. She was great and the time flew by so fast when I dropped her off at the airport yesterday it felt like Id just picked her up!!
What did we do? Who did we see? Well we didn't do a lot of real"vacation" kind of things accept extra pool time and a lot of going out.
We did have a brunch / lunch thing Sunday that turned into an all nighter. Always happens when The Muffin and his Lovely Wife come over.
Also, the hot barback made it to the party. I was hoping it was for me, but turns out it was to see if he could shag Gwenn. Nice huh.
Hes off my gym wall and I'm sad about that. A few weeks ago The Lovely Wife got me to rip down his photographs and burn them. Now my wall of inspiration that sat directly in front of my treadmill is bare, and I don't like it.
I don't think I'm going to put up quite the "shrine" I had before, but I am putting some of them back up. They are just way to good not to.
Maybe I'll mix them up with a few other inspirations. Like Gwenn. I photographed her while she was here and they came out amazing. Even she couldn't believe that she was looking at herself.
I'm happy to say that she is in a much better place than Ive seen her in a long time. And good for her!
Now its my turn.
I didn't end up reaching my goal before she came in town, BUT, as it happens if I can manage to keep my nose to the grindstone I might make it by my birthday.
As of this morning Ive got 14 lbs to shake in 10 days.
Crash diet anyone?
I doubt I'll make it but at least I'm closer to my goal than I thought I was going to be after 10 days of vacation.
I actually lost 5 lbs with her here! Shes in the zone. Getting on the treadmill every day. We went hiking, swimming, and worked out at my home gym while she was here. Very inspiring.
Of course, I'm tired today, and don't feel like working out when I get home but hopefully the mood will strike me. I need the exercise and the detox!
I'm hanging my liver up to dry this week for sure! Poor thing, between the food and the drinking from the last 10 days I'm sure my body is in total "FU" mode.
Was it worth it? Why, of course!
We had a blast. She was great and the time flew by so fast when I dropped her off at the airport yesterday it felt like Id just picked her up!!
What did we do? Who did we see? Well we didn't do a lot of real"vacation" kind of things accept extra pool time and a lot of going out.
We did have a brunch / lunch thing Sunday that turned into an all nighter. Always happens when The Muffin and his Lovely Wife come over.
Also, the hot barback made it to the party. I was hoping it was for me, but turns out it was to see if he could shag Gwenn. Nice huh.
Hes off my gym wall and I'm sad about that. A few weeks ago The Lovely Wife got me to rip down his photographs and burn them. Now my wall of inspiration that sat directly in front of my treadmill is bare, and I don't like it.
I don't think I'm going to put up quite the "shrine" I had before, but I am putting some of them back up. They are just way to good not to.
Maybe I'll mix them up with a few other inspirations. Like Gwenn. I photographed her while she was here and they came out amazing. Even she couldn't believe that she was looking at herself.
I'm happy to say that she is in a much better place than Ive seen her in a long time. And good for her!
Now its my turn.
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