37...38....
38 sounds so OLD!!
I feel like I'm still 16. Hell I still act like I am sometimes!
I know I don't look 38. I will say while my gene pool does swim in the fat zone, the one good thing about it is that I don't look my age.
I was looking at some photographs recently of people in my high school at their 10th reunion. This August is the 20th. ( ouch!)
I have never been to any of them and don't intend to go to this one. I would if I was not so fat, but coming from high school as "the fat girl", I really don't want to return that way.
I thought about this and was a little bitter about it seeing that back in 2000 / 2001 /2002 I was thin enough that I would have gone to a reunion.
Bad timing.... no bad ME!
I look back a lot. Regretting things and wishing Id done this or that differently.
I don't usually make New Years resolutions per say, but I do usually make promises to myself on my birthday.
Next year I will be this weight...
Next year I will have a new job...
Next year I will not be alone....
Pretty much the same things every year, and pretty much the same results ...nothing changes.
I wanted to be a certain weight this year by my birthday. I'm 12 lbs away from that goal, but as of this morning I'm again at that magical 2 - 3 lb place where I have been stuck, and I'm praying that if I work very hard tonight I will see those 3 lbs gone tomorrow morning, but I know realistically that's not going to happen.
BUT, just because I missed the deadline does not mean I'm giving up.
Hell Ive never really given up. Even in the years in my 20s when I hid in my house and gained hundreds of pounds I still in my head never really gave up.
I remember sliding up and down on my Total Gym in the basement hoping that it would help me. I did glute lifts against my wall in my bedroom so much I actually stretched the carpet!
I wore the rollers off on the Total Gym eventually as well. I guess I exceeded the weight limit for the machine.....but the point is I never gave up.
Sure it was years later that I finally really got devoted to working out and not eating, but it did happen.
Somewhere inside me burns a thin flame. I feel it when I work out. I feel it when I look in the mirror and see a thinner me than actually exists. Its buried inside a mound of misery disguised as fat and I've got to find it again.
So again, tomorrow I'm 38, and this year I will make it!
I will make it past this wall I keep hitting. I will get a better job, I will live a healthier life mentally and physically. I'm not going to say I wont be alone because I feel like, as before, when I lost weight the guys just come naturally. Hell they come around now, they just don't stay.
Hmmm I am just suddenly wondering, what did my post this time last year say?
*pause*...
"So my wish for my birthday this year ( for the first time in my life!) is not to be thin next year, its to be happy with who I am no matter how much I weigh, or if I'm still single.Its going to take a lot of work to reprogram my brain but I know it can be done.My glass is going to be half full from now on damn it! "
That was the end of my post from last year. My wish for the year I just finished living.
Did I succeed?
Well, I'm not thin that's for sure! Am I happy with who I am......yes. I have to say I'm happy with myself for the most part. I guess if I think about it I have come a long way toward this goal I set for myself last year. I do think much more positively, I also don't let what people think of me get on my heart as badly as it used to. I'm not unhappy to be single, it just is what it is. So I guess in some way I got my wish!
So OK, it can be done. You do get your birthday wishes after all. I just didn't realize Id gotten it until I went back and read that! I assumed Id wished for the standard weight loss /job change thing. Ummm kind of like I just wished for again...this year!!!
Huh, I feel surprisingly good right now all of the sudden. I can do it. I can make my wishes come true.
It will be slow, like a flower opening so that you cant see it with the naked eye, but one day you wake up and the flower has bloomed. Open and beautiful.
Happy Birthday to ME!
1 comment:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
I'm trying something new with the goal-setting. I have an index card in my purse with the five goals I've deemed most important to me. Each morning I take it out and think of at least one thing I'll do that day that will put me closer to that goal. This approach might work for you with your birthday goals, too!
Hope you have a fantastic day!
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