Weekend blues

I had such a good weekend, then it turned bad. Well not bad but disappointing.
I was happy with myself because on my weigh in Thursday I had lost a few pounds, and Friday I really behaved myself. Sunday when I weighed again I had lost another 3 lbs and was very excited!! Then I ate waffle house hash browns until I was so full I was ill.
I haven't done my morning work out in 2 weeks, and my afternoon work out have stopped altogether again.
I don't understand where my umph goes.
Ive been super tired every day. Even so much so that Ive been going to bed before the sun goes down and over sleeping in the morning. Last week I know there were at least 3 days that I slept 12 hours.
I'm not sick, I'm just tired all the time.
This is all of the sudden too. I don't know what is wrong with me but its making me feel worse about myself.
Stella may have gotten her groove back but Sockmonkee is still anti groovin.
Speaking of Stella Got her Groove Back...she got that groove from a young handsome guy that made her feel great.

I met one of those Saturday night. Oh man, I really thought to myself FINALLY! Ive met a guy that I'm attracted to and hes is to me as well.
Then his girlfriends showed up....
He still asked me to come out the next evening and see him at work. ( He works in a BAR and is going to school at GA State)
Anyway, I was convinced that even though hes dating this girl, they obviously aren't serious and he and I had made the connection. You know, the kind of feeling where people wont step between the 2 of you for fear they will get struck by the lightning that's going off between you.
Besides, in front of her he was insisting I come back up the next day. So I did, and she was there again...( really bad timing) but left shortly after I got there. Apparently however, on her way out she read him the riot act and when he finally was able to talk to me later on he explained that yes they were serious, and he was sorry if he led me to believe anything was going to happen between us.

*DISAPPOINTED!!!*
So much so I couldn't sleep when I came home, then wanted to do nothing but the next day.
I'm so tired of this situation happening to me!!
I refuse to continue to date people I'm not interested in or attracted to just to date someone, but its really hard to meet a guy who is good looking..( were talking HOT here folks) and smart and likes me the way I am! He even made a comment to me that he prefers bigger women...I almost fell out of my chair because he is not heavy at all. Try 6'3" and build like a brick house!
Yum.
Oh well. Strike out again.

I need to move.
I want to move away from this town so badly I cant even see straight but I have no idea how to go about it. I don't make enough money to save anything, I'm not a college grad ( photography school doesn't count) and I'm 36..and fat. None of which helps getting a job.
Besides I really want to move to a small town somewhere. I mean middle Georgia, Alabama, North Georgia mountains. Jobs in small towns are even harder to come by I thinking. Particularly when you need one that will allow you to support yourself alone with no help.
Hell the only thing that's nice about this town is the amount of places you can go to buy shoes.
I can travel for that.
What do I do? How do I get out? maybe I'm so scared of doing something like that I'm not really trying. They say if you really want something you will make it happen.

I really have always wanted to be thin but I haven't been able to make that happen yet. Does that mean I don't really want to be thin? I don't think so.

I read an article off another bloggers page last week about a woman saying after her bypass surgery how happy she is and how miserable she was being fat and how no one can possibly be happy being overweight.
I have to say I do blame quite a bit of of crap on my weight, and I think I make excuses for myself because of it too.
I think I'm basically happy though. I mean I bitch about being alone, or not being able to control this or that in my life but day to day I am basically happy. Maybe not jumping for joy all the time, but I certainly could be worse off. I'm aware of that of course.

I'm also aware that change will only come to me when I make it happen.
Ive never been very good at things like that.

I guess at my age my habits and personality are pretty well set.

My best friend Andy was there with me Saturday when I met The Boy and he was all happy for me too, and said something that I felt strange about but agreed with when I gave it some thought.
Every time Ive really gotten my shit together in my life its been when Ive been focused on someone else. Like the beautiful boy I loved years ago when I lost all the weight. I was so focused on him that I made it happen.

I hate to think that it takes begin involved or in love with a guy to make me change my life,but my track record really shows that when I'm really into a guy, and hes into me too, ( at least enough that Im seeing him all the time) I make serious positive changes, and when I'm left alone I revert back to old bad habits.
Comfort I guess.
How do you change?
Do I have no identity as myself alone? Respect for ME enough to make myself better weather a guy is involved or not?
Ironically, ( and Ive always known this of course) if I could just do that on my own, the men would follow.
What the hell is wrong with ME!!