Where does the time go?
The last thing I wrote about this year was how I was leaving
to travel by myself to see Gwenn in Florida. I was single, and still being
pursued by R, but annoyed and disheartened by the whole thing. I had started to
date someone else, and attempting to get into a healthier routine, but being
thwarted at every turn with back issues. My sister Beth had been forced to come
clean about her very serious and life threatening liver condition, and was
finally on the way to being on the transplant list. And my business, well it
was still struggling, but I had taken the time to research a good program to
get my drone pilot license and was starting that path.
That was the end of April.
So what has being going on since then? A lot.
The number one thing that has happened is that Beth got a
liver transplant on July 3rd, and has since lost over 100lbs, and
seems to be managing the life she had before without alcohol. AT least for now.
John still drinks like a fish around her, and so do her old friends. None of
which is supposed to be happening. We are all worried that she’s going to start
drinking again, but the bottom line is, she’s an adult and free to make her own
choices. All we can do is hope that she makes the right ones.
My personal relationship with her has gotten better though
which I’m glad about. We have communicated more in the last couple of months
than in the last 4 years since we found out that she has cirrhosis. When that
happened I walked out of her life because I refused to watch her kill herself.
The timing was right when I met and started dating R in 2019, so I think a lot
of people assumed it was her dislike of him that drove us apart, but the truth
is, I just couldn’t be around her anymore. The fact that we went to the Star
Wars Fans Strike Back exhibit was proof to me that she does actually miss me
and we’ve been talking pretty regularly ever since. This is in spite of the
fact that R and I got back together. That’s the other “big” news for this
year.
Yes, after all the hurting, crying, praying, cussing and
worrying, I finally gave it another chance in May. The trip to Melbourne was
actually what made me miss him the most, and while I was gone, I finally
answered a text telling him if he wanted to talk to me he could pick me up at
the airport and we could talk on the way back home.
The minute I saw him on the curb with flowers my heart hurt.
When I hugged him it ached. I did miss him terribly, I was just so hurt and as
I said before, disheartened about the whole situation. I was convinced that
nothing would change if I let him back into my life, and that the things he’d
been doing to get me back would all stop as soon as I was back in the fold. I also thought that I needed to still be
dating other people in general. After all, that’s how I got into that situation
with R in the first place. He was never supposed to be “the one”. Also, after
everything I found out I just didn’t trust him, period. Not to mention that
everyone I knew was even more against us being together than ever. How hard was
it going to be to open that can of worms again and dump it all over everyone?
REAL FUCKING HARD.
I did fight it for a while. I continued to date the other
guy and started talking to and seeing R in secret. I thought if I did it that
way at least if it failed again no one would have to know and Id at least be
spared that. Well, that lasted about a month. Maybe less. By Memorial weekend
he was “outed” to my family and friends, and the objections were loud and
clear. I didn’t blame anyone for feeling that way, and still don’t to those
that still harbor bad feelings about him and I being together.
I have struggled with this for months though and it only
recently became clear to me that I have spent an enormous amount of time in my
life trying to please other people with my life choices. I have sought approval
from my family and friends my whole life. In a way, I’ve trapped myself into an
existence that has very little to do with what I want for myself. Not in every
way, but in some very important ones.
One big example of this that I think of is my cooking. I used to cook. I mean REALLY cook, and that was definitely my
identity for a long time with people. Everyone thought I LOVED to cook, so I
was always the one who did. The truth is, while I like making food that others
enjoy, I’m not a huge fan of cooking itself. Its work. Hard work if you do it
right. But that’s what I thought people wanted from me, or what made people
like me, so that’s what I did. I was praised for it and that felt good, but
inside there was so much more that I wanted to be liked for. Maybe people always
did like me for other things, but that’s the way I felt about it, so one day I
just stopped.
Years ago when I lost weight the first time around while
still living with Beth and Robert, I stopped cooking the extravagant meals in
order to help myself get away from food. It did not go over well. That was my
first real experience with the change in how people thought of me without the
Chef label attached. Oh I’m sure there were other things too that contributed
to the demise of our relationship, but I know for sure that was a big one.
I don’t want to rehash years of this stuff. The bottom line
is that things changed when the role people were used to me playing changed.
Eventually as I regained weight back, I started cooking for people all over
again. Then 11 years ago I had my big revolution of self, which I have
repeatedly talked about now. Again, no need to rehash that. What we need is to
move forward.
The existence I have carved out for myself is not all bad,
it is in fact a great life. I have a wonderful loving family that is very
supportive, and a small group of friend that are the same. It does seem like,
however, that sometimes the support is limited to things they think are right
for me. I know that sounds harsh, but it does feel that way sometimes.
You can’t change people. You can only be supportive and try
to help where you think you can. The work of change has to come from within. R
has made a huge effort to change from within, and although I think I am the
only one who really sees it, I feel like his actions show it too.
Does he still give me flowers like he did when he was pursuing
me? No, he doesn’t, but he’s attentive and giving in so any other ways, and I
have just recently had a huge awakening to that.
Is our life perfect? No, but who’s is? Frankly I think
we have it pretty damn good these days in so many areas, and I’ve been spending
months of time now trying to prove that to people. It’s been hard and
exhausting and I think I’m done trying to do that.
It’s funny to me, that I can share bad, hurtful things about
him and no one questions it. But when I share the good things that have really
changed, no one wants to hear it. Basically I think those that still think I’m
making a mistake are unwilling to give him another chance, and I have been
trying to open their eyes to no avail. You can’t change people. If they are
unwilling to see what’s right in front of them I can’t change that any more
than I can change R into whatever definition of a better man I or anyone else
thinks he needs to be.
Did R seriously FUCK UP? Absolutely, and again, in spite of
my trying to show how he’s changed, I really can’t blame anyone who is
unwilling to see that either. Why? You can’t change people, and the sooner I stop
trying to the better off we are all going to be.
My fear this whole time has been losing the few friends I have
and alienating my family. Both of which I feel like would just kill my soul.
But I can’t change them, and so I have to trust that they will put more trust
in me. I walked away when I thought I needed to, and I am back in it now
because I think it’s OK to be here again. In fact, it’s better than OK. I’m happier
now with him that I ever have been. Sure we have had our difficulties. Some of
which have been unfortunately played out right in front of other people, but we
solve these things and move on.
So here I sit on New Year’s Eve, and guess what? My two dear
friends Anne and Vic (who had a BEAUTIFUL wedding in October!) are coming up to
hang out with us! That was news that filled my heart with complete joy! Because
you see, in spite of letting go of the “need to change”, I still want to please
people. It’s hard to break a life lone habit, and I guess I hope that them
coming up is a sign that they are at least willing to be open to him being in
my life again.
My hopes for the coming year are to let go of this need to
please where it’s not necessary, and to nurture it where it makes thing bloom.
I have such a small group of people that I really care about, and I am grateful they are still here in spite of their reservations, so it can only get better
with time.
I say that with a cautiously optimistic feeling of hope that
my life in the next year is going to get better, because I am going to make it
better. For the first time in my life I feel like I have a real partner for
better or worse, and I just have to remember it’s not always about MY better or
worse.
I love Ray, and I’m glad to be spending this night with him,
my mom, and those two wonderful people. It will be simple but fun and I know in
my heart that when I look back on this post next year I am going to be smiling
because I have made a good decision and am sticking with it in spite of any
fears and that evil need to please! Fear is another whole subject that I am
going to have to deal with this year as well. And I plan to be writing again
and getting those fears out of me, like the poison they are.
I really did have much more to say tonight, but the hour is
late and my peeps will be here soon. Maybe I’ll rehash some things in the next
post, or maybe I’ll just let it go!
So Happy New Year! It’s been an interesting one to say the
least. Who would have thought after starting off so badly that it would be
ending in a way that I did not imagine at all. Life is so strange that way don’t
ya think?
