UGH! Im getting over the flu. I hate being sick and this one was a whopper! Im still coughing up little green slimy things....I know TMI!
The worst part is I was on a ROLL last week when this hit me and I havent exercised in a week now. Im going to try and make myself get on the treadmill after work today for a light session. I need it!
I seem to be more inspired to eat better and exercise in sipte of the bad news I recently recieved, which is a good thing. I just Have to get my ass out of bed in the morning! Its amazing how fast you can get out of that habit. ( much faster than you can get IN the habit for sure!)
I guess becasue Ive never been a morning person. I mean NEVER!
I know, you can train yourself to get up, blah blah, and I get it. Thats all true, but I still can stay up all night on the weekends much easier than I can claw my way out from under the covers at 5:30AM even with a good nights sleep.
So god help me I will be trolling away this afternoon, and with a litle luck tomorrow morning I will make the change back to getting up at that painful hour again.
LUCK TO ME!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
New Week New Attitude?
OK so I threw myself a pitty party last week, and now I feel better. Am I happy that I now know for sure that I will be fat forever and any weight loss I have will come with more hard work that a "normal" person and never be enough to be considered "normal"?
No. but its not the end of the world.
It sucks but Ive lived this way for so long I really dont know anything else anyway.
My only real wish is that people I dont know, and even the ones I DO know for that matter would understand how hard I really do try and not think Im sitting around stuffing myself with chocolate every day.
Im not a perfect eater for sure but I do try hard enough that if I were a "normal" person I'd be dropping weight like crazy.
Anyway, I am not normal and apparently never will be so thats that.
I havent lost sight of my dreams though, I'm just going to have to figure out how to achieve them and still be fat.
I always said to myself, I'll do this or that when I lose weight, and I know Ive talked about this before, but I really do HAVE to figure out how to DO things now and not wait.
Maybe Ive used being fat as an excuse for too long. I mean like it or not thin..or even chubby people really do NOT know what I mean when I talk about my fears of doing things. And sorry Tyra Banks, putting on a fat suit for a day doesnt make you qualified to judge either. My suit wont come off, and I probably exercise more than anyone I know other than my sister but I still am this way.
I go up and down. Gaining and losing the same 15 lbs week after week, never breaking that magic number.
Im not giving up on being healthy just have to make myself be happy the way I am.
Its a very hard thing to do let me tell ya. Everyone and everything around me screams that Im a freak of nature and totally unacceptable in society because of my weight. So how strong do I have to be to keep those screams out? Stronger than I am Im afraid. At least right now.
Im trying to stay positive about this and just concentrate on my day to day routine. Exercising and letting that make me feel good. W
hat I really want to do is chuck it all , EAT like a FAT person and become one of those bed ridden super obese people that you see on TV. Lolling around in a super King sized bed for the rest of their lives. Unable to move and having to be helped just to roll over.
OK no, not really...I would rather be dead than that bad off.
I cant run very easily but I can walk fast, and I can swim and ride a bike.
I can lift weights and do squats on my ever creaking knees.
I can do all these things and feel very good about myself for doing them, so thats what I'll keep doing.
I will not be the super obese person in the bed forever waiting to die alone.
Wish me luck.
No. but its not the end of the world.
It sucks but Ive lived this way for so long I really dont know anything else anyway.
My only real wish is that people I dont know, and even the ones I DO know for that matter would understand how hard I really do try and not think Im sitting around stuffing myself with chocolate every day.
Im not a perfect eater for sure but I do try hard enough that if I were a "normal" person I'd be dropping weight like crazy.
Anyway, I am not normal and apparently never will be so thats that.
I havent lost sight of my dreams though, I'm just going to have to figure out how to achieve them and still be fat.
I always said to myself, I'll do this or that when I lose weight, and I know Ive talked about this before, but I really do HAVE to figure out how to DO things now and not wait.
Maybe Ive used being fat as an excuse for too long. I mean like it or not thin..or even chubby people really do NOT know what I mean when I talk about my fears of doing things. And sorry Tyra Banks, putting on a fat suit for a day doesnt make you qualified to judge either. My suit wont come off, and I probably exercise more than anyone I know other than my sister but I still am this way.
I go up and down. Gaining and losing the same 15 lbs week after week, never breaking that magic number.
Im not giving up on being healthy just have to make myself be happy the way I am.
Its a very hard thing to do let me tell ya. Everyone and everything around me screams that Im a freak of nature and totally unacceptable in society because of my weight. So how strong do I have to be to keep those screams out? Stronger than I am Im afraid. At least right now.
Im trying to stay positive about this and just concentrate on my day to day routine. Exercising and letting that make me feel good. W
hat I really want to do is chuck it all , EAT like a FAT person and become one of those bed ridden super obese people that you see on TV. Lolling around in a super King sized bed for the rest of their lives. Unable to move and having to be helped just to roll over.
OK no, not really...I would rather be dead than that bad off.
I cant run very easily but I can walk fast, and I can swim and ride a bike.
I can lift weights and do squats on my ever creaking knees.
I can do all these things and feel very good about myself for doing them, so thats what I'll keep doing.
I will not be the super obese person in the bed forever waiting to die alone.
Wish me luck.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Bad News
So I just came from my endocrinologist and he finally told me what I've suspected all my life about my weight.
He said and I quote, " the only way for you to lose a significant amount of weight is to starve yourself"
...Stunned silence....
I have the fat gene. I used to joke about that but I really actually do it seems.
He gave me medication for insulin intolerance like my dad and sister have too. That should at least help me process sugars better. It will also help prevent me getting diabeties , along with a "proper diet and exercise program."
Thats the best I can hope for....no diabeties but your going to be fat until the day you die.
I told him my sister has lost a bunch of weight and doesn't starve herself, and he said, "yes but she doesn't have your history of being heavy all your life, neither does your dad."
Basically I get this from my dads side of the family and Elise and my dad have a touch of it, but I got the big fat magic bean it seems.
Im not sure how I feel about it.
I mean on one hand Im glad someone finally listened, tested me for the right things and told me basically its not all my fault.
On the other hand its rather depressing to think in a world where fat is the last acceptable prejudice I can do little about my situation short of starving myself, which by the way was exactly what I did do before when I actually lost weight.
Perpetual starvation....being overweight forever...these are my choices.
Im not giving up on eating well and exercising, and I feel certain that it will help me lose some weight but as far as really being normal I guess that's out the window.
Kind of makes me cry.
All I've ever wanted in my whole life is to be normal and to have a Dr. tell me that's just not possible is sort of devastating.
He did add that if I was living in a 3rd world country I might do well because Im built to survive starvation. Nice. maybe if I join the Peace Core I'll lose a few pounds and attract the attention of Brad Pitt!
I have to say the more this sinks in the worse I feel.
How much money, time, tears, emotional breakdowns, loss of people in my life, lonliness, grief, self loathing, beating myself up, starvation, and so much more have I lived through and wasted all these years of my life to find out that I cant do anything about it...
Yeah, this a bad day.
He said and I quote, " the only way for you to lose a significant amount of weight is to starve yourself"
...Stunned silence....
I have the fat gene. I used to joke about that but I really actually do it seems.
He gave me medication for insulin intolerance like my dad and sister have too. That should at least help me process sugars better. It will also help prevent me getting diabeties , along with a "proper diet and exercise program."
Thats the best I can hope for....no diabeties but your going to be fat until the day you die.
I told him my sister has lost a bunch of weight and doesn't starve herself, and he said, "yes but she doesn't have your history of being heavy all your life, neither does your dad."
Basically I get this from my dads side of the family and Elise and my dad have a touch of it, but I got the big fat magic bean it seems.
Im not sure how I feel about it.
I mean on one hand Im glad someone finally listened, tested me for the right things and told me basically its not all my fault.
On the other hand its rather depressing to think in a world where fat is the last acceptable prejudice I can do little about my situation short of starving myself, which by the way was exactly what I did do before when I actually lost weight.
Perpetual starvation....being overweight forever...these are my choices.
Im not giving up on eating well and exercising, and I feel certain that it will help me lose some weight but as far as really being normal I guess that's out the window.
Kind of makes me cry.
All I've ever wanted in my whole life is to be normal and to have a Dr. tell me that's just not possible is sort of devastating.
He did add that if I was living in a 3rd world country I might do well because Im built to survive starvation. Nice. maybe if I join the Peace Core I'll lose a few pounds and attract the attention of Brad Pitt!
I have to say the more this sinks in the worse I feel.
How much money, time, tears, emotional breakdowns, loss of people in my life, lonliness, grief, self loathing, beating myself up, starvation, and so much more have I lived through and wasted all these years of my life to find out that I cant do anything about it...
Yeah, this a bad day.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Super Sunday
Just got off the treadmill and feeling great!
Ive started off the month with a bang of energy and Im feeling very on track.
Im not bothering to think that I will never pick up a piece of pizza again, or munch on a greasy chicken wing slam - dunked in bleu cheese dressing because I know thats unrealistic.
What is realistic is to know I can exercise every day, or at least 6 times a week and feel fabulous weather Im losing a lot of weight or not.
Sometimes I need to see those number drop to keep me going, but as Ive seen before if I deprive myself of things too long I crash and burn.
Right now Im feeling very on my game.
Lets see if we can find some new players!
Ive started off the month with a bang of energy and Im feeling very on track.
Im not bothering to think that I will never pick up a piece of pizza again, or munch on a greasy chicken wing slam - dunked in bleu cheese dressing because I know thats unrealistic.
What is realistic is to know I can exercise every day, or at least 6 times a week and feel fabulous weather Im losing a lot of weight or not.
Sometimes I need to see those number drop to keep me going, but as Ive seen before if I deprive myself of things too long I crash and burn.
Right now Im feeling very on my game.
Lets see if we can find some new players!
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