Tired

I didnt go.
I crapped out.
I went to bed and slept probaby 9 hours and Im still feeling sleepy and sluggish.
I MUST GO TODAY!!
What the hell is wrong with me?

Disiater strikes

Last week was a total washout.
I didn't work out all week, ate horribly and went out drinking with friends twice! The weekend wasn't much better, although I did eat better.

I guess I could kick myself in the ass for this but instead I am picking back up where I left off. Starting over seems to be a constant thing for me. I guess I'm a little depressed about it. I want so badly to just be in control week after week. I felt so good the other week . Accomplished, proud. Today I feel tired and a little ill. Mondays are never good days for me.
This morning I packed my gym bag, as I did last week, but today I'm going.
I'm already tired but I'm going!
I will have to yell at myself I'm sure by this afternoon, but I'm going.
I'M GOING I'M GOING I'M GOING!!!

I try to think of what triggers me to misbehave sometimes and there seems to be no pattern to it.
I was feeling crappy last week after not hearing back from Juan, but was that it?
Or did I simply want to be bad?
Maybe there is no excuse for my disastrous behavior. Maybe I'm just really lazy at heart.

I'm already tired..but I'M GOING!!!

IM ON A ROLL!!

Ive been on a roll this week!
Roll...mmmm...I love those soft yeast rolls...
I digress...
No not a dinner roll, although I could actually eat one the size of a chair I feel certain...
Ive been at the gym every day this week. A 5 day work out week for me yes indeed!
I have to do the thing I dread most today...besides looking at myself naked in the mirror...
Clothes Shop...UGH!! * stabbing my eyes out with hot poker*
I have to buy a business suit for interviewing because Ive already had a hit on my resume and it sounds promising.
OK, lets face it, at this weight nothing looks really "good" but some things would be acceptable.
I'm looking for a simple tailored looking suit that has a long waisted jacket so the bulging mass-o-fat that is my stomach will not be left hanging out in the breeze.
this seems to be a real problem with fashion designers. Either that or I'm just too long in the middle because everything I look at is too short.
Were not talking down even mid- thigh here either folks, I mean just like barely over the butt, which is what a SUIT SHOULD LOOK LIKE!!
I go back to a far off post I ranted about months ago about people making fat clothes without considering the fat people that will be wearing them.
Lets have some rules here:

1. No Sleeveless / cap sleeve shirts..EVER!!
Now this might piss some chunky women off but sorry missy!! If you have arms that look like cottage cheese in 100 degree heat, or possibly so large and flappy ( this would be my own arms thank you) that if waving to a friend you run the risk of knocking out the person standing behind you, DON'T WEAR SLEEVELESS SHIRTS!!!

2. No Shirts that don't cover your bulbous and gourd-like belly.
I'm not saying you need to wear a moo-moo, but lets tastefully cover it up shall we? No one wants to see that! And that goes for the shirt-tucker inner people too. Sorry, but it looks better out.

3. No pants that are low riding or too tight so you have the frightening muffin top!
If you wear these and think you look nice...well you might be beyond help my friend..

4. And finally, no loud large flowers/plaid stripes.
You might think me ridiculous for saying this but large pattern on a fat person just makes you look fatter.

OK so I'm sure there are plenty of people out there that think they look great in all of the above, but I'm here to tell ya.. YA DON'T!!
Self confidence should never be replaced by outright stupidity.

That being said, I'm dreading my shopping experience this afternoon because for some reason I know despite the good sense God gave most of us, I will be faced with the short waisted / cap sleeved police, and inevitably there will be a perky pudgy sales girl bobbing up to me ( in a totally inappropriate outfit) trying to convince me how great that would look on me...ick.

On a brighter note, I got up this morning at 5Am to do my treadmill so I wouldn't miss my gym time today because of the shopping experience after work.
I plan on doing it this weekend too.
I'm back on WW and I must earn extra points to take care of my predicted lushy behavior over the weekend!

Damn I'm in a good mood. Shame I have to spoil it by shopping.

Random thoughts

I was in a bad mood yesterday. Well, maybe not bad, but tired, frustrated and down on myself.

I packed my gym bag yesterday and decided to go even though it was Monday, which is usually my weekday off from working out.
Halfway through the day I was driving around for work when I began lecturing to myself like a crazy person.
I will go work out! I will do this! Get your fat lazy ass to the gym!!
I'm pretty sure people driving around me may have been slightly frightened...particularly when I began to beat myself in the leg.

Sometimes..a LOT of the time really, I feel like there really is another person inside me, and yesterday that lazy fat person was pulling at me to just go home instead of working out. So I started screaming at myself in the car to snap out of it.

Its The Monster. Growing up and well into my 20's Id often refer to my stomach as The Monster.
The Monster had ultimate power. It decided when I was happy, sad, tired, scared, sick...just about everything but satisfied.
I haven't referred to my innards as The Monster in a while, but its still in there...lurking...poking me from the inside out. I have to poke back to keep it quiet. Stab back actually with a big imaginary knife!!! Kill The Monster!!!
Its crazy but I swear I get so frustrated because I quite often feel like I really DON'T have control over my actions, which is absurd!

So I got mad, and when that didn't work I smacked myself on the leg a few times until I woke up.

I heard something a long time ago about anorexics snapping themselves with rubber bands on the wrist every time they thought of eating. Aversion therapy I guess.
God what Id give to have the eating disorder that makes you to thin rather than too fat!!
No, really I would.

In any case, I went. I did well and loved it and when I got into the car I had a text message From Juan.
Can I just say YEAH BABY!!

Its amazing the power that little 2 word text had on me. "Made it"..that's all it said, but the fact that he was messaging me that he'd gotten to the beach OK was enough for me to smile all the way home.

I prayed last night. Well I actually pray every night for the most part, but last night I actually got on my knees at the foot of my bed, bowed my head, closed my eyes and prayed.
I didn't pray for him to fall for me, or for me to be thin, or have more money. I prayed to God to help me to become the person Ive been put on this earth to be.

This has been a crazy summer for me in a lot of ways. Friendships tested and some flushed right down the drain. Some made stronger!
New love interests and old flames still haunting my footsteps.
Family members... some in trouble some doing the best they have in years!
New job searches beginning.
A new interest in myself.

Changes are in the wind for me my friends!!
That's OK, nothing wrong with a little wind up the skirt now and then.

Breaking the Spell

I finally broke the dry spell.
Quite a story.
Its a guy named Juan that I've known for many years and he and I have "history" if you know what I mean. Also, we haven't seen each other in about 3 years and I've gained a lot of weight since we...ya know..."hung out"
Well anyway, I saw him on MySpace and for the last 6 months I've been debating on weather to contact him but I finally did.
He was excited to hear from me and and we have been talking and texting a bunch ( even over vacation ) for a few weeks now. Finally on Saturday we met out at Trackside, ( ironically the sight of our first meeting) and it was on from the minute I walked in the door. I was hesitant to believe he was flirting with me but Andy said to me at one point when Juan had gone to the bathroom that he was all over me! I was thrilled of course because not only had I been CRAZY nervous about meeting him again but I really wanted to blow the dust off Ye Ole Box, and from what I remembered ...the boy was more than qualified!!
So the whole night went great. He and my friend Jennifer and her boyfriend ( both of whom I had come out with to begin with) all came back to my house and Juan and I retired to my room where all hell broke loose...no kidding...it was great!
I mean there were some parts that could have been better because it was after all "drunk shaggin" but overall it was pretty great.

Of course the next day I was giddy and wanted to hang out or do something. Jennifer and Jonathan ( her boy) were going to brunch so I asked Juan to come with and he did, but he seemed distant and didn't say much. I know he was horrifically hung over which might have been the cause, but he barely gave me a hug goodbye and just said..I call ya...

The whole thing was so great and I really enjoyed it.
I was on a mental high from it all day yesterday until last night when reality began to creep in and I realized I'll probably never talk to him again.
He's going out of town today until Saturday for a vacation so we'll see. I wouldn't necessarily expect him to text me like I did to him while I was away, but I would think he would if he really liked me.

I of course think he woke up and when sober realized how much weight I've gained and was mortified. He is a super nice guy though and has always been great to me so I wouldn't expect him to be a jerk, which he wasn't, I just wish I could have more of course.

Its been a long time since I've been with anyone that I was actually really interested in and I am afraid my flab has done me in and it pisses me off at MYSELF.
So I'm going to try very hard to restart my routine of working out and better eating. I'm also going to cut most meat out of my diet, and stick to limited bread/starches.

Beer will be a problem but I think if I keep not drinking Monday -Thursday that will help.
I'm pissed that I might have lost out on a great guy because I couldn't keep the pizza out of my pie hole for the last 4 years.

I know I can do it. I KNOW I CAN DO IT!!!

More Drama

Can I just say I'm SICK OF THE DRAMA??
I thought about many things while I was on vacation. One thing kept coming up among our conversations that seems to be more clear than ever since coming home.
Someone told me that the people I count as my friends ..well not all of them but quite a few...seem to be not such good people.
I defended them to this person at the time, but since returning I now think maybe they were right.
I'm cutting loose several people that have been talking crap about me while I was away and as sad as I am to have to do it I'm also relieved.
I don't want negative people anywhere near me. Sometimes I guess you have to start over.
I feel like Ive done this so many times in my life. There have been times that Ive had no one..literally..to talk to and I somehow manged to find others despite my shyness.
It may take a while to resettle with new people but I think it will happen.
I have to say though my disappointment in some of them is down right overwhelming right now.
Its almost like I cant quite believe this stuff is actually coming out of their mouths.
Apparently it is though, and Id be a fool to act like it isn't just to have a few more warm bodies around me.
Smiling in my face and stabbing me in the back as soon as I turn.
I feel betrayed. I'm sad and upset and disappointed.
The worst part of it is Ive always been so honest and open with everyone and they cant do me the same courtesy.
One thing I have taken home with me from vacation is some words of wisdom that have always rung true.

Life is too short to waste your time on people and things that bring you down.

So it seems I am to open a new chapter in my life, and even though I feel like I'm sort of being forced into it, maybe its all going to be for the best.
Maybe this is exactly what I need.
A clean slate. (Instead of a clean plate!)

Back to the grind

Wow...what a wonderful vacation.
Its so strange to come back to work after being gone for so long, and especially after being away from home.

What can I say, the water was clear and warm, the weather was hot and sunny and the company was the best I could have asked for!
We spent our days sunning ans swimming and our nights feasting and drinking.
I did work out and walk while I was there but still managed to gain 6 lbs.
I didn't do it every day as I had planned and of course what I was eating and drinking was not normal for me.
I'm back on the plan now though.

I'm also looking for a new job.
Change in general has always scared me. I fear the unknown. I feel secure in this job because its familiar to me but its not what I need to help out my future and it never will be I'm afraid.

I think the change will do me good. I'm not going to be desperate about the job search either. I have a job that I like so basically I will be interviewing them as well as they interviewing me. I will be choosing a place that will suit my needs which feels good.
If I don't get what I'm looking for out of the responses then I will wait and just keep working here.
I might not get exactly what I'm looking for but we'll see.

I also am cleaning house in the friend department. While I was away the drama continued over petty bullshit things that I have no time for and don't want to be involved with anymore.
I'm through with dealing with people that simply suck the life out of you with their crap.
I'm all about the positive.
If you don't have positive energy to bring to the table don't bother to come to dinner!!!