Random thoughts

I was in a bad mood yesterday. Well, maybe not bad, but tired, frustrated and down on myself.

I packed my gym bag yesterday and decided to go even though it was Monday, which is usually my weekday off from working out.
Halfway through the day I was driving around for work when I began lecturing to myself like a crazy person.
I will go work out! I will do this! Get your fat lazy ass to the gym!!
I'm pretty sure people driving around me may have been slightly frightened...particularly when I began to beat myself in the leg.

Sometimes..a LOT of the time really, I feel like there really is another person inside me, and yesterday that lazy fat person was pulling at me to just go home instead of working out. So I started screaming at myself in the car to snap out of it.

Its The Monster. Growing up and well into my 20's Id often refer to my stomach as The Monster.
The Monster had ultimate power. It decided when I was happy, sad, tired, scared, sick...just about everything but satisfied.
I haven't referred to my innards as The Monster in a while, but its still in there...lurking...poking me from the inside out. I have to poke back to keep it quiet. Stab back actually with a big imaginary knife!!! Kill The Monster!!!
Its crazy but I swear I get so frustrated because I quite often feel like I really DON'T have control over my actions, which is absurd!

So I got mad, and when that didn't work I smacked myself on the leg a few times until I woke up.

I heard something a long time ago about anorexics snapping themselves with rubber bands on the wrist every time they thought of eating. Aversion therapy I guess.
God what Id give to have the eating disorder that makes you to thin rather than too fat!!
No, really I would.

In any case, I went. I did well and loved it and when I got into the car I had a text message From Juan.
Can I just say YEAH BABY!!

Its amazing the power that little 2 word text had on me. "Made it"..that's all it said, but the fact that he was messaging me that he'd gotten to the beach OK was enough for me to smile all the way home.

I prayed last night. Well I actually pray every night for the most part, but last night I actually got on my knees at the foot of my bed, bowed my head, closed my eyes and prayed.
I didn't pray for him to fall for me, or for me to be thin, or have more money. I prayed to God to help me to become the person Ive been put on this earth to be.

This has been a crazy summer for me in a lot of ways. Friendships tested and some flushed right down the drain. Some made stronger!
New love interests and old flames still haunting my footsteps.
Family members... some in trouble some doing the best they have in years!
New job searches beginning.
A new interest in myself.

Changes are in the wind for me my friends!!
That's OK, nothing wrong with a little wind up the skirt now and then.