Closing in

My 37th birthday is closing in on me fast.
I can still remember things, conversations, the way my rooms looked growing up, the way it felt when I was teased for being fat in the 1st grade....and second...and third...and so on....

The time I got on my first horse Tanya and rode bareback into the lake..wow that was a great one!
My second horse Windy, who used to rub her soft velvet nose on my neck when she wanted a carrot! ( oh that one makes me cry!)

Living in my first apartment with Eric and Matt, and Eric leaving me to persue his dreams in Florida. I thought Id die when he left...turned out it would have been better if he'd done that long ago!

Moving in to Roberts house with Beth, and living like a shut in for years, wanting so much to just leave the house and start something on my own but being terrified to step out the door.

Charlie walking into that damn bar the very first time I laid eyes on him...damn....

Brian, the first time he kissed me, then the first time he hit me.

Muffin...oh my...the first time HE kissed me..the first night we sat up doing nothing much *ahem* but talking, and how I felt high on life quite literally for the first time ever.
Theres more, so much more.
I remember all of it so well.

It all feels like yesterday quite literally.

How is it possible that my life has been so long lived yet have been a blink in Gods eye?

I didn't mean to be so negative in that last entry. Well, that's not true, I did mean it, but I'm really not as negative as that comes across.

Right now Id describe myself as stagnant and frustrated. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. Something good that's going to come along and change my whole life. Maybe a person? Maybe just an event.
Maybe I'll go buy a lottery ticket today! Hee hee!

Money does change things you know. I know its not the be all end all of happiness, but damn...I mean if you don't have to worry about bills or where to get money for clothes, housing cars, GAS for cars, if your going to lose your job..blah blah blah...wouldn't you be a bit more relaxed?
At the very least you could concentrate on the things in life that really matter. Family, friends, health.

Things in my life have been privileged in many ways, and in others not. When I feel cursed all I have to do is look around my lovely house and see all the fine ( material yes but still..) things that I have acquired and admire. The comfort of my home, the strength of my family.

I'm a lucky girl.

Maybe, just maybe if I concentrate really hard on just trying to do one thing, my life will be better. I think that one thing for me needs to be appreciating every minute of my life as it has been gifted to me.

Sounds pretty easy doesn't it. Well its not. ( was that a complaint?)
Id like to do it though just the same. Like snapping a rubber band on my wrist every time I have a negative thought about myself or my life in general.

Would my wrist look like a raw sausage after a few days? HA! Probably! Must be a better way.
I know one thing, as much as I mentally tally all the screwed up things in my life on a daily...no...HOURLY basis, I bet if God snatched it all away from me and said..SEE!! SEE WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS SO UNIMPORTANT? HOW YA LIKE THEM APPLES? WAIT.....NO!.....NO APPLES FOR YOU EITHER!!!!
Id rethink things.
So what if I'm fat? I mean really? Other than the public humiliation ( which God knows i should be used to by now!) and the lack of attention from men what baring does it really have on my life other that what I MAKE it have?

I always think it stops me from doing anything in life.

Don't apply for that job...your too fat...they wont like you on sight...
Don't buy that colorful shirt...you'll look like the side of a barn!
Don't talk to that guy, why would he even LOOK at you!?
Don't ride your bike in places where anyone can see you! You look fat and stupid!

OK, so some of my "donts" are probably good advise...like the colorful shirt thing...
but the rest?
Yes there are people who would not hire me for being overweight, and there are most definitely men that would look at me cross eyed if I tried to speak to them, and some ass would ride up behind me in a car while I was riding my bike ( this one has actually happened folks!) and honk while screaming "fat ass get off the road!!"

But even if that all happens should that keep me from still enjoying MY life? its MINE and why I let other people take it from me I will never know.

I have a lot of bad habits but I think that's the worst one. Worse that overeating, worse than not exercising enough, worse than drinking too much.

God help me break this ONE habit and learn to love my life and myself in it.