Happy Birthday to ME!

So tomorrow is the big day!
37...wow.
Well on a positive note I had an absolute blast with my friends Saturday. The pool party went very well and everyone had a great time. We took tons of pictures, and I for the first time decided to saw the HELL with it about my picture being taken and let it just happen...bathing suit and all!
Now I'm not saying that they turned out great, in fact some were quite scary, but despite that I decided to put some ( not all...I'm not insane ya know!) up on my pictures page on myspace. Yes, I look like a stuffed cabbage in all of them, but screw it. I am who I am and I'm damn tired of apologizing for it!
Ive been scared for ever that old friends or even strangers would see pictures of me that reflect the way I look now and be horrified, or laugh with glee at my misfortune.

I don't care anymore.
I want very badly to be thin, or at least the weight I was before at my "lightest" which was still 75 lbs away from being what i should weight, but I refuse to go into a new year of life hating myself for it.
I'm tired, so very tired of feeling this way. I wish I had a boyfriend that would give me confidence and make me feel attractive, but I don't, and I may never again.
That doesn't mean I'm beaten or a loser, it means I'm single, that's all.
I'm trying very hard to continue on a path of letting it go and moving on.
I catch myself thinking of my past constantly and now I'm making a conscious effort to shut it down.
The more I dwell on it the more power I give it.
I think to prove my point I'll just post a pic or 2 here as well.
No more hiding.
I have nothing to hide anyway. The people I care about the most in my life love me at 100 lbs or 400lbs.
That's enough.
So my wish for my birthday this year ( for the first time in my life!) is not to be thin next year, its to be happy with who I am no matter how much I weigh, or if I'm still single.
Its going to take a lot of work to reprogram my brain but I know it can be done.
My glass is going to be half full from now on damn it!