Sometimes I get the worst urges to be "bad".
Right now I'm sitting at my desk at work and in my view ( other than the computer screen) is my gym bag. I didn't go yesterday like I said I was going to. I was exhausted and used the Monday excuse, ( which is that I don't do anything on Mondays) and i was OK with that. I actually did do laundry and clean up my house some when I went home, which needed to be done.
Today, however, is gym day for sure and all I can think about is going out after work for cocktails and a nice long read session with Mr Stephen King.
Why cant I just NOT have this urge?
Its not about drinking either as much as it is just going out. I'm convinced of this because if I skipped the gym and just went home I wouldn't drink a thing....or read either!
I WILL MAKE MYSELF GO TO THE GYM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is when I wish I had someone to drag me. To literally show up here and wait for me to put my gym clothes on, follow me there and wait until I was on the treadmill for 5 minutes before they left!!
This is the ME that I don't like. The one that convinces itself that slacking off one day to do something else will be OK..because theres always tomorrow, even though I know perfectly well that if I were to do the bar read Id be feeling tired tomorrow and skip the gym again.
Its a vicious cycle!
plus I'm absolutely broke and have no business being out anyway.
What is it about me?
The afternoon draws itself out and I feel like a melting blob of flesh that loses its ability to make good decisions.
I'm tired....
I'm antsy....
I'm bored....
I just want to go read at the bar. Easy, lazy way out.
I also want to be healthy.
I want my parents to look at me and be proud of the way I live my life.
I want to look at MYSELF and be proud!
I have to go. And I know once I get there I will enjoy every sweaty stinky second of it!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
Mondays are not cool.....
Poor "Monday"...it really gets the short end of the stick. No one looks forward to it and usually everyone is glad when its behind us for another week.
I, however, am trying to gain a new attitude about it .
Most of the time I don't plan any activities for Mondays because I'm always tired..like I am right now..but today I packed my gym bag and intend to go after work. This will be quite an accomplishment for me I think.
Monday should be a fresh start..kind of like New Years Eve but on a weekly basis.
I realized yesterday that I really am starting to make some very positive changes in my life. More than merely thinking of it or talking about it I'm DOING IT!
It was in my head even over the weekend when I was whooping it up and not exercising I still maintained the mindset that Monday would be a fresh start of exercise and healthy eating, and NO drinking until the weekend.
Drinking...hmmm. This is a sore spot in my family right now. My folks are convinced my sister is an alcoholic and that shes telling everyone lies about what shes doing with her life. Money issues, other things I dare not write about too.
Watching her go through this actually makes me check myself even more. Ive always been aware that I drink too much and off and on too often, but Ive never hid it or lied about it.
Does that make me a "functional alcoholic"?
My sister is functional. She drinks pretty much every night but still manages to get up for work in the morning. Keeps the house clean, pays the bills and takes care of her household which consists of one husband (who himself is a large child) and about 15 animals.
Do I worry about her? Yes I guess I do.Mostly because she has always had this thing about lying. She glosses over the harsh truths about her life in order to create a world that just doesn't exist.
Shes gotten better about it over the years, ( or at least I thought she had until recently) because I always bust her chops when I catch her in a lie, but it doesn't seem that she will ever be living in total reality. Shes not crazy, shes......I don't know what she is other than my sister, and I love her and I worry for her.
I think being aware of a problem, voicing it and taking steps to keep yourself in check is at least better than ignoring it.
I have an addictive personality and I'm very aware that when I like a thing I usually go at it like theres nothing else in the world....especially if its something fun and unhealthy!
For many years now Ive worried about my frequent and excessive alcohol consumption. I go through phases of being unhappy with my life and that is of course when it gets worse but honestly a lot of my bad habits with drinking have been acquired in the past few years while hanging out with my sister.
When I tell her I'm taking a break from the booze she kind of acts like shes offended. I used to feel bad about that but I don't anymore. I realize what she wants is a partner in crime so she wont feel bad about it.
In that sense I'm now being thrown under the bus as a scapegoat for her behavior of late, which has nothing to do with me at all.
Shes off doing things I have nothing to do with and now that the shite is hitting the fan shes got me all dragged into it.
She knows that I cant and wont lie for her to my parents or her husband ( as much as I cant stand him) because that just wouldn't be right.
The parents are involved now though which actually might be the best thing for them. get it all out..no more secrets and lies.
I never thought Id hear myself say this but I really hope they can work it out. Her husband was not always the pain in the rear he is now. Hes changed over the years into a petty selfish old man. Maybe its because shes doing something I'm unaware of? Maybe I'm being selfish by not considering the possibility that shes been lying to me about it all these years.
Oh the drama!! When I look at this happening to them, and last year my other sisters divorce, I think to myself..nope...never getting married...don't want to even LIVE with a man. But who knows.....
Wouldn't it be the funniest ( strange funny..not ha ha funny)thing in the world if I was the one in the end that found my true love and lived happily ever after?
Life!
07
I, however, am trying to gain a new attitude about it .
Most of the time I don't plan any activities for Mondays because I'm always tired..like I am right now..but today I packed my gym bag and intend to go after work. This will be quite an accomplishment for me I think.
Monday should be a fresh start..kind of like New Years Eve but on a weekly basis.
I realized yesterday that I really am starting to make some very positive changes in my life. More than merely thinking of it or talking about it I'm DOING IT!
It was in my head even over the weekend when I was whooping it up and not exercising I still maintained the mindset that Monday would be a fresh start of exercise and healthy eating, and NO drinking until the weekend.
Drinking...hmmm. This is a sore spot in my family right now. My folks are convinced my sister is an alcoholic and that shes telling everyone lies about what shes doing with her life. Money issues, other things I dare not write about too.
Watching her go through this actually makes me check myself even more. Ive always been aware that I drink too much and off and on too often, but Ive never hid it or lied about it.
Does that make me a "functional alcoholic"?
My sister is functional. She drinks pretty much every night but still manages to get up for work in the morning. Keeps the house clean, pays the bills and takes care of her household which consists of one husband (who himself is a large child) and about 15 animals.
Do I worry about her? Yes I guess I do.Mostly because she has always had this thing about lying. She glosses over the harsh truths about her life in order to create a world that just doesn't exist.
Shes gotten better about it over the years, ( or at least I thought she had until recently) because I always bust her chops when I catch her in a lie, but it doesn't seem that she will ever be living in total reality. Shes not crazy, shes......I don't know what she is other than my sister, and I love her and I worry for her.
I think being aware of a problem, voicing it and taking steps to keep yourself in check is at least better than ignoring it.
I have an addictive personality and I'm very aware that when I like a thing I usually go at it like theres nothing else in the world....especially if its something fun and unhealthy!
For many years now Ive worried about my frequent and excessive alcohol consumption. I go through phases of being unhappy with my life and that is of course when it gets worse but honestly a lot of my bad habits with drinking have been acquired in the past few years while hanging out with my sister.
When I tell her I'm taking a break from the booze she kind of acts like shes offended. I used to feel bad about that but I don't anymore. I realize what she wants is a partner in crime so she wont feel bad about it.
In that sense I'm now being thrown under the bus as a scapegoat for her behavior of late, which has nothing to do with me at all.
Shes off doing things I have nothing to do with and now that the shite is hitting the fan shes got me all dragged into it.
She knows that I cant and wont lie for her to my parents or her husband ( as much as I cant stand him) because that just wouldn't be right.
The parents are involved now though which actually might be the best thing for them. get it all out..no more secrets and lies.
I never thought Id hear myself say this but I really hope they can work it out. Her husband was not always the pain in the rear he is now. Hes changed over the years into a petty selfish old man. Maybe its because shes doing something I'm unaware of? Maybe I'm being selfish by not considering the possibility that shes been lying to me about it all these years.
Oh the drama!! When I look at this happening to them, and last year my other sisters divorce, I think to myself..nope...never getting married...don't want to even LIVE with a man. But who knows.....
Wouldn't it be the funniest ( strange funny..not ha ha funny)thing in the world if I was the one in the end that found my true love and lived happily ever after?
Life!
07
Friday, July 27, 2007
Elliptical Hell!!
Yesterday at the gym I decided to take a step into the future by getting off the treadmill after 25 minutes and getting on the Elliptical Trainer for the last 5 minutes of my cardio.
OK now, Ive officially been going to the gym for 1 week so its not like I'm ready to break any records but I thought hey..its only 5 minutes..I can do ANYTHING for 5 minutes...
OH.....
My.....
GAWD!!
I hop on...
ok...its all good..... oh wow...my legs are burning....my heart rate is really going up....umm I think I'm having a heart attack...maybe try going backwards...ok that's better...wait still bad...forward again....ugh HOW LONG CAN 5 MINUTES BE!!!!!
It was over pretty quickly actually. I got off thanking heaven that there was hardly anyone in there to see me practically DIEING up there. I mean Ive been watching girls..old ladies..all kinds of HEAVY out of shape people go on these things for 30 minutes and they are fine!!
Then I remembered years ago when the Evil Elliptical from Hell machine first appeared in my gym. There were 2 of them sitting innocently off to the side..unnoticed...unused.
People, like myself, didn't want to be the first to try a new thing.
So one day I decided to give it a whirl. This mind you was after Id been going to the gym 6 days a week , 2 hours a day for about a year and had lost 170 lbs.
I was used to trotting merrily away on the treadmill, uphill for 45 minutes or longer before going to my weights and Cybex machines so I thought 30 minutes on this baby would be no problem!
WRONG!!
I got on and after 15 minutes I thought I was going to DIE!
After remembering that I felt a little better, After all, 5 minutes is still progress. I will do another 5 today even if it is embarrassing.
Who cares...my body...my fitness regime...F**K all those scoffers!!
(hmmmm I hope Hottie is not there today....)
307
OK now, Ive officially been going to the gym for 1 week so its not like I'm ready to break any records but I thought hey..its only 5 minutes..I can do ANYTHING for 5 minutes...
OH.....
My.....
GAWD!!
I hop on...
ok...its all good..... oh wow...my legs are burning....my heart rate is really going up....umm I think I'm having a heart attack...maybe try going backwards...ok that's better...wait still bad...forward again....ugh HOW LONG CAN 5 MINUTES BE!!!!!
It was over pretty quickly actually. I got off thanking heaven that there was hardly anyone in there to see me practically DIEING up there. I mean Ive been watching girls..old ladies..all kinds of HEAVY out of shape people go on these things for 30 minutes and they are fine!!
Then I remembered years ago when the Evil Elliptical from Hell machine first appeared in my gym. There were 2 of them sitting innocently off to the side..unnoticed...unused.
People, like myself, didn't want to be the first to try a new thing.
So one day I decided to give it a whirl. This mind you was after Id been going to the gym 6 days a week , 2 hours a day for about a year and had lost 170 lbs.
I was used to trotting merrily away on the treadmill, uphill for 45 minutes or longer before going to my weights and Cybex machines so I thought 30 minutes on this baby would be no problem!
WRONG!!
I got on and after 15 minutes I thought I was going to DIE!
After remembering that I felt a little better, After all, 5 minutes is still progress. I will do another 5 today even if it is embarrassing.
Who cares...my body...my fitness regime...F**K all those scoffers!!
(hmmmm I hope Hottie is not there today....)
307
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Pigs in a Blanket
The gym yesterday was great...well the work out was anyway.
I was on the treadmill...same one as the day before...and things were going well until I saw the hottie walk in. Actually he was walking into the hall way in front of me and I thought he might be leaving until he came back in and disappeared right behind me!
I was at my midway point in my 30 minute routine which is when I push myself to my limit. Now get a mental picture here...
I'm wearing grey cotton pants that are 2 sizes too big everywhere on my accept my inner thigh, ( which is why I bought them that big..to hide the flabby inner thigh..ewww!)
and a black t-shirt...also 2 sized too big for to hide the other flab...... accept when I'm on the treadmill I'm sweating. I mean REALLY sweating and my shirt shifts around and sticks to my flab...I know gross right!
So I'm thinking...
Oh my God where is he...ok ok...just keep going...don't worry about where he is...
Ugh..my shirt..(pick tug pull..) oh screw it!
So I get over myself long enough to finish and when I get off the treadmill, I turn around and there he is. On a recumbent bike RIGHT BEHIND ME!
All I could think is oh....my....GOD!!!!.....my ass must have looked like two pigs fighting under a blanket!!
For the first time in my life I was glad about my gene pool that makes my face beet red when I get hot because if I had not been already I would have been burning red with embarrassment!!
I quickly retreated to the opposite side of the gym where I literally put my head between my knees and had to make myself breathe .....and let it go.
I gathered myself up, and continued my work out. Upper body was the day and I pushed myself more than I had on Saturday which felt good. I'm a tiny bit sore..actually less than tiny...today which tells me my massive soreness that I had from my first upper day was simply because my muscles were in shock!
I'm pretty proud of myself for maintaining my composure yesterday despite the shock of the hottie being forced to watch my sweaty Thunder Bum giggling up and down for 30 minutes.
I did figure out something. He goes to that spot because the TV in front of that area plays CNN..usually sports at that time...so to avoid the humiliation factor I'm changing treadmills!!
I feel so good about myself today. I'm proud of myself. I had a thought on the way in to work this morning. What would I change about my life right at this moment if I could, I mean other than being thin..I mean like routine and the way I live my life.
The only thing I could think of is make more money and maybe have a casual relationship out there somewhere, but even that is not all that important to me. I actually like being alone. The companionship thing for me, when happens will have to be with somone either very special or very tolerant because Im so used to my life revolving around ME its hard to imagine anyone else being involved.
My daily routine being like this..work..gym..home...bed...really works for me. I have my weekends to clean and do yard work and one free day to play. Plus I FEEL so damn good!!
Could this finally be it? Has my magic switch finally turned back on? I prey it has because it feels like it did so long ago.
In the past 6 years I have not exercised consistently for longer than a week or maybe 2 at a time before I blow my "routine".
If...no WHEN I get to my one month mark, which will be August 20th, I will have officially gotten back into my old routine.
Keep your fingers crossed!! I know I can do it and I really want to. I don't see anything in my way and it feels great.
Maybe my pigs in a blanket will look a little more like "Lovely Lady Lumps" this time next year!!
309
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
HOTTIE ALERT!!!
So I'm at the gym yesterday...( I love saying that) pumping away merrily on the treadmill when suddenly my eye catches a super hot guy walking in the work out area. My brain immediately freezes up and I begin to think....
Oh my god I hope he doesn't get on the treadmill next to me...
Oh good..going to the weight bench area...of course, no cardio..hes already a god!
Man I'm sweating like a pig! ...no wait...that's drool...
OK..ok..ok...3 minutes left...don't look over there...just keep your eyes forward and hear the beat! Go Fergie! Go Fergie!!
..whew..OK.. treadmill done...now skipping off to the opposite end of the gym from Hottie.
Thank God I am doing lower body today! Everything is out of his view.
Getting back in my groove I do my squat presses, although I keep glancing back over my head to see if anyone ( hot) is coming this way. Being in the squatting position at my weight is not a very attractive sight I'm afraid!
Music kicking in again and my concentration is back on. Leg press, on to the next machine...
Crap..there he is...oh God hes coming this way!! ( mop sweaty face with towel..) oh good, hes getting on a treadmill after all...MY treadmill..I wonder if it stinks from my piggy flop sweating?
Why is he even ON a treadmill anyway? Oh I see it now...knee brace..must be in sports rehab...for the knee...which is the LOWER BODY... WHICH IS WHAT I'M WORKING ON!! SHITE!!
Now I'm in a panic...I MUST finish my work out and do it well. No short cuts but I would DIE if he got close enough to really get a look at me in this state.
Ok, ok, calm down...this is a GYM..I'm WORKING OUT...what else would be a better picture to give him of a fat person? Its better than the view I'm sure he had in his head. Lumpy figures stuffing their face with doughnuts and chocolate? ( which by the way I have NEVER done in my life!!)
I regain my confidence. The music creeps back into my head and I push myself on to the next machine, which happens to be facing him, but his back is to me.
Then I realize..huh...Ive got quite a view...hot ( nice buns!) guy on treadmill in my view. This makes me happy. I'm working out to great music, sweating, straining, probably grunting (although I cant hear that because Ive got the music up so loud its all encompassing). I'm happy girl!!
Eh...so what if hes right in front of me ( nice buns)
God I'm sweating like a pig! ..no wait..still drool...
OK thighs your next..push, squeeze!
Push it! Squeeze harder! harder HARDER!!
Ahhhh...
Working out can be quite stimulating I have discovered. I guess I knew it before but had just forgotten.
They say your body remembers things. If you were in a certain shape within a few years of it and go back to that regime your body remembers.
I believe it because I haven't felt this good in about 5 years..which was the last time I walked out of that gym.
Hot guy or not I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep going and one day I just wont see him anymore.
(Still drooling.) ok ok..so maybe I'll just peek at him a little!!
Oh my god I hope he doesn't get on the treadmill next to me...
Oh good..going to the weight bench area...of course, no cardio..hes already a god!
Man I'm sweating like a pig! ...no wait...that's drool...
OK..ok..ok...3 minutes left...don't look over there...just keep your eyes forward and hear the beat! Go Fergie! Go Fergie!!
..whew..OK.. treadmill done...now skipping off to the opposite end of the gym from Hottie.
Thank God I am doing lower body today! Everything is out of his view.
Getting back in my groove I do my squat presses, although I keep glancing back over my head to see if anyone ( hot) is coming this way. Being in the squatting position at my weight is not a very attractive sight I'm afraid!
Music kicking in again and my concentration is back on. Leg press, on to the next machine...
Crap..there he is...oh God hes coming this way!! ( mop sweaty face with towel..) oh good, hes getting on a treadmill after all...MY treadmill..I wonder if it stinks from my piggy flop sweating?
Why is he even ON a treadmill anyway? Oh I see it now...knee brace..must be in sports rehab...for the knee...which is the LOWER BODY... WHICH IS WHAT I'M WORKING ON!! SHITE!!
Now I'm in a panic...I MUST finish my work out and do it well. No short cuts but I would DIE if he got close enough to really get a look at me in this state.
Ok, ok, calm down...this is a GYM..I'm WORKING OUT...what else would be a better picture to give him of a fat person? Its better than the view I'm sure he had in his head. Lumpy figures stuffing their face with doughnuts and chocolate? ( which by the way I have NEVER done in my life!!)
I regain my confidence. The music creeps back into my head and I push myself on to the next machine, which happens to be facing him, but his back is to me.
Then I realize..huh...Ive got quite a view...hot ( nice buns!) guy on treadmill in my view. This makes me happy. I'm working out to great music, sweating, straining, probably grunting (although I cant hear that because Ive got the music up so loud its all encompassing). I'm happy girl!!
Eh...so what if hes right in front of me ( nice buns)
God I'm sweating like a pig! ..no wait..still drool...
OK thighs your next..push, squeeze!
Push it! Squeeze harder! harder HARDER!!
Ahhhh...
Working out can be quite stimulating I have discovered. I guess I knew it before but had just forgotten.
They say your body remembers things. If you were in a certain shape within a few years of it and go back to that regime your body remembers.
I believe it because I haven't felt this good in about 5 years..which was the last time I walked out of that gym.
Hot guy or not I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep going and one day I just wont see him anymore.
(Still drooling.) ok ok..so maybe I'll just peek at him a little!!
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Vacation time again!
One month from today I will be riding with my sister to the beach! The family vacation which includes me, my 2 sisters, one brother in law that no one can stand, ( he usually comes with A Speedo...eewwww!) the parents, 2 of my sisters friends that we love and one friend of mine that we love! (hopefully anyway...the Wench has been in South America traveling for 6 months !)The house is big and beautiful and slap on the beach. A pool and hot tub on the ground floor deck overlooking the ocean. 
I have been going with my family on vacation for 5 years now. This is the 6th ( duhh!) and each year since Ive been going I have gained at least 10 lbs during the 9 days we are there. How this is possible I have no idea.The first year I went was the first year that I gained any weight back from my big loss and I was mortified!
In the years that followed I gained the 10 lbs on vacation and would struggle the whole year to get it off. It never came off, so every year I have gotten 10 lbs heavier thanks to a great time of eating and drinking and basically being a total slug.
My family are big eaters and drinkers and it seems like vacation on the beach just lends itself to going whole hog...pun intended...
This year however, since I have begun my new life at the gym I will be taking full advantage of the little home gym in the basement.
Hopefully this will at least hold off on any gaining of weight while I'm there. My goal is to work out every day in the morning before we get started on our daily overindulgence's.Our whole family is filled with overindulgence. Its like if you ask for a sandwich with a little turkey on it, you get a loaf of bread stuffed with half a turkey!!
There is food everywhere...and not much of it is healthy stuff. Well that's not really true. Were big eaters but we like our food made well with the best ingredients.
Like last year I made homemade buckwheat pancakes with fresh blueberries and maple syrup for one of our family breakfasts. Of course along with that we had eggs, bacon, grits and toast...and maybe another pork product as well...ugh..I get full just thinking about it!! My little fat free sugar free yogurt with berries for breakfast pales in comparison !!
Its hard not to want to create fabulous cuisine in a fabulous kitchen though. I'm really looking forward to cooking up something nice in this baby!! I love cooking and I love it even more in a
nice kitchen. My little rinky dink kitchen is great for me at home but my inner chef longs for a huge expanse of granite counter tops and a massive Viking stove with all the trimmings!! Eh, maybe someday. I do pretty well in my little kitchen I must say.
In any case, I intend to enjoy it all. Sun, food, family and much wine ( or Miller Lite as the case may be) but keep up with the fitness routine in an attempt to not come back like a bloated puffer fish!!
I have to say vacation with the family, including the extended family members that come with us is something I look forward to all year. When I first started going I used to drive myself down to the gulf so I could escape back home if I wanted to. I did too. Each year I stayed a little longer and last year i was there the full 9 days for the first time. I also opted to drive down with my sister so i was kind of trapped but I'm glad I did.
I am so blessed to have such a family and friends as Ive said so many times, but I guess you cant say something like that enough.
I cant wait to dig my toes in the sand!! Its funny too that the beach is the ONLY place Ive ever worn a bathing suit in public. Somehow when I'm there I don't care as much. Oh the thoughts are still there.
Are they looking? Who's out on the beach today? Anyone under 30 and less than 200 lbs and I'm not going out!!
But I do go out, and I always love it. In fact sometimes I actually forget how big I am long enough to imagine a life without all that.
Ive often wondered if I moved to the beach if Id still feel that way, or if the magical quality would dissolve?
Is it an illusion created by the fact that its a different world for us all for 9 days and when you go back to your life it all comes back?
Maybe I will try and carry that feeling home with me this time.
Ahh...the beach....
Monday, July 23, 2007
Sore but good!
Wow, I forgot how sore I used to make myself at the gym!
Its funny. Walking in there Friday I was so excited. Like going back to that gym was inspiring all by itself. So much so that Saturday I snubbed a chance to lay at the pool all day to go back again!! I did lower body Friday and upper Saturday along with my cardio of course.
A new play list on my Ipod Nano courtesy of Gwenn and her taste in funky dance music made the cardio fly by.
I was sweating like a whore in church and it felt GREAT!!!
I did have one funny moment Saturday when a sweet little old lady scared the daylights out of me!
I was absorbed in my music and pumping away on a upper body machine when she tapped me on the shoulder. When I took the screaming Nine Inch Nails song out of my ears she was bending over me with such a look of concern that I thought perhaps something was wrong with her. Nope. She was just dandy but apparently thought I was about to have a stroke because my face was so red it was almost purple!
This is an unfortunate family trate I got from my mother. Wen we exercise we look like were going to die...
Add to that 80 lbs of extra body fat and you can see why the poor little lady was concerned!!
Sunday (and today as well) my arms are so sore that I can barely make myself bend at the elbows and raising my arms over my head is an experiment in pain!!
I love it!!!
I remember years ago when I was the work out Queen I loved that feeling of pushing my muscles to the point of exhaustion. I love when your done and your legs feel like Jell-O and your arms rubber bands shaking with stress.
Sounds like torture but really its the best feeling in the world next to a good shag!!
I also made an amazing discovery. Friday when I left the gym I had to go to the grocery store for my weekly restocking of salad goods. This usually includes a few extra items I never plan on buying but somehow magically end up in my cart anyway!!
*pouff!* uh oh...where did that peanut butter come from?
In the past you would have had to drag me kicking and screaming into a store...or anywhere in public...after leaving the gym. Hot sweaty and looking like a puffed up red bull frog! But, as it happened I was not able to go before the gym so I HAD to go after to avoid having to go the next day. This was a smart thing to do, and a practice I intend to continue .
The thing is...when I went straight from the gym I didn't WANT to buy anything bad. I think I did the healthiest grocery shopping Ive done in a long while!
They say you should never grocery shop hungry. That's true...but to add to that I say shop after working out.
Its like a drug. You cant mentally undo what you have literally just done so that's my plan from now on. Work out, sweat like a pig then shop for food.
Poo poo on the people freaking out at the sweaty stinky fat girl in pigtails and a baseball cap!
So that in itself made my weekend great, but I also indulged in a sushi orgy with some friends Saturday night which was terrific! No guilt or shame eating in public either. Of course the bottle of red wind I downed probably helped my courage level but who's, counting right?
So I think I'm on my way folks! The gym has transformed my brain almost over night! Amazing! Remarkable! What a blessing!
We'll see if this attitude holds until 5PM tomorrow when I'm supposed to go back!!! Actually if I wasn't so tired today I think I would have gone even though today is my "day off".
I guess from now on even on Mondays I'll pack my gym bag just in case I get the urge.
LIFE IS SO GREAT DON'T YA THINK??
Its funny. Walking in there Friday I was so excited. Like going back to that gym was inspiring all by itself. So much so that Saturday I snubbed a chance to lay at the pool all day to go back again!! I did lower body Friday and upper Saturday along with my cardio of course.
A new play list on my Ipod Nano courtesy of Gwenn and her taste in funky dance music made the cardio fly by.
I was sweating like a whore in church and it felt GREAT!!!
I did have one funny moment Saturday when a sweet little old lady scared the daylights out of me!
I was absorbed in my music and pumping away on a upper body machine when she tapped me on the shoulder. When I took the screaming Nine Inch Nails song out of my ears she was bending over me with such a look of concern that I thought perhaps something was wrong with her. Nope. She was just dandy but apparently thought I was about to have a stroke because my face was so red it was almost purple!
This is an unfortunate family trate I got from my mother. Wen we exercise we look like were going to die...
Add to that 80 lbs of extra body fat and you can see why the poor little lady was concerned!!
Sunday (and today as well) my arms are so sore that I can barely make myself bend at the elbows and raising my arms over my head is an experiment in pain!!
I love it!!!
I remember years ago when I was the work out Queen I loved that feeling of pushing my muscles to the point of exhaustion. I love when your done and your legs feel like Jell-O and your arms rubber bands shaking with stress.
Sounds like torture but really its the best feeling in the world next to a good shag!!
I also made an amazing discovery. Friday when I left the gym I had to go to the grocery store for my weekly restocking of salad goods. This usually includes a few extra items I never plan on buying but somehow magically end up in my cart anyway!!
*pouff!* uh oh...where did that peanut butter come from?
In the past you would have had to drag me kicking and screaming into a store...or anywhere in public...after leaving the gym. Hot sweaty and looking like a puffed up red bull frog! But, as it happened I was not able to go before the gym so I HAD to go after to avoid having to go the next day. This was a smart thing to do, and a practice I intend to continue .
The thing is...when I went straight from the gym I didn't WANT to buy anything bad. I think I did the healthiest grocery shopping Ive done in a long while!
They say you should never grocery shop hungry. That's true...but to add to that I say shop after working out.
Its like a drug. You cant mentally undo what you have literally just done so that's my plan from now on. Work out, sweat like a pig then shop for food.
Poo poo on the people freaking out at the sweaty stinky fat girl in pigtails and a baseball cap!
So that in itself made my weekend great, but I also indulged in a sushi orgy with some friends Saturday night which was terrific! No guilt or shame eating in public either. Of course the bottle of red wind I downed probably helped my courage level but who's, counting right?
So I think I'm on my way folks! The gym has transformed my brain almost over night! Amazing! Remarkable! What a blessing!
We'll see if this attitude holds until 5PM tomorrow when I'm supposed to go back!!! Actually if I wasn't so tired today I think I would have gone even though today is my "day off".
I guess from now on even on Mondays I'll pack my gym bag just in case I get the urge.
LIFE IS SO GREAT DON'T YA THINK??
Friday, July 20, 2007
First Day
Well today is my first day to go back to the gym. The place I had so much success in and worked so hard in. I joined yesterday. Going back in was familiar and felt good. I poked my head in the work out room and it all looked the same accept for a few welcome additions of newer treadmills and more elliptical machines. The same Cybex equipment as before.
All in all it feels like coming home.
No, I wont be going in the morning like I used to go but I think I will be able to sway myself to go in the afternoon. ( picture to the left is me at my thinnest..ignore wobbly arms..thats what happens when you drop 185 lbs! I was in the best shape of my life!!)
I think something that happened to me this week has made my mind up.
I have been talking to The Cowboy again, ( after the lie thing passed over I started talking to him again) and at first it was all OK but now I'm rethinking it..again.... See hes a very negative person in general.
Almost every day theres another thing he's depressed about, or complaining about. 2 days ago we got to talking about food, fitness and well being in general and he was all offended that:
A. Most of the men Ive dated in the past have been thin ( because hes not)
B. That I'm actually concerned with what I put in my mouth ( no comment from the peanut gallery there!)
C. That I like exercise and although I don't want to say my goal is to be thin, I do want to be HEALTHY.
I mean the man wont eat anything if its not meat or bread and probably fried!
Also, when I chat with him on line its during the day, while I'm at work. He works nights or weekends most of the time ( hes a DJ) but it seems like his best day is laying around doing NOTHING! It just grosses me out!!
Then he said something that got to me in a good and bad way. He said "Your the only heavy woman I know that eats like a skinny girl." He also made a comment about a picture he'd seen of me from when I was thinner. ( see below) He said when
he saw that he figured I wouldn't like him. All in all it feels like coming home.
No, I wont be going in the morning like I used to go but I think I will be able to sway myself to go in the afternoon. ( picture to the left is me at my thinnest..ignore wobbly arms..thats what happens when you drop 185 lbs! I was in the best shape of my life!!)
I think something that happened to me this week has made my mind up.
I have been talking to The Cowboy again, ( after the lie thing passed over I started talking to him again) and at first it was all OK but now I'm rethinking it..again.... See hes a very negative person in general.
Almost every day theres another thing he's depressed about, or complaining about. 2 days ago we got to talking about food, fitness and well being in general and he was all offended that:
A. Most of the men Ive dated in the past have been thin ( because hes not)
B. That I'm actually concerned with what I put in my mouth ( no comment from the peanut gallery there!)
C. That I like exercise and although I don't want to say my goal is to be thin, I do want to be HEALTHY.
I mean the man wont eat anything if its not meat or bread and probably fried!
Also, when I chat with him on line its during the day, while I'm at work. He works nights or weekends most of the time ( hes a DJ) but it seems like his best day is laying around doing NOTHING! It just grosses me out!!
Then he said something that got to me in a good and bad way. He said "Your the only heavy woman I know that eats like a skinny girl." He also made a comment about a picture he'd seen of me from when I was thinner. ( see below) He said when
That DID insult me! I thought, OK so you think just because Ive gained some weight that I'm going to lower my standards?
All this has changed my opinion of him and made what I thought was an attractive guy not so much anymore.
OK, now I know I do enjoy a day on the sofa drinking cocktails and watching movies...guilty pleasure...but I DO NOT do that every day and I do like exercise!
If I sit on my lardy butt every day at work, then go home and do the same thing I feel bad...just bad.
I'm not saying that has not been my pattern of behavior for a while now, but that's all about to change, and its never been something I'm proud of.
Maybe hearing him spout off about that made me click with the idea that I have got to get off my butt. Maybe its that sometimes I remind myself of a friend I used to have that would sleep all day either on the sofa or in her bed, and was grossly obese.
I don't talk to her anymore and haven't seen her since I was thinner, and I have a huge fear of running into her now that I'm heavy again.
I remember a while back thinking that my behavior was reminding me of her and it made me sick.
I'm not bashing her...just that behavior because at the time I was SO active and trying SO hard to lose weight. I was obsessed. Maybe too much, and that's not my goal this time.
My goal is to be healthy and happy.
Ive got the happy part. Just need the healthy part.
Wish me luck!!!
This is me last August at the beach..Id be the fat one on the left....lets see if that image is different this time next year shall we?
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
The Wheel of Life
No, I'm not getting married..HA! Nothing could be further from the situation!
Actually I'm happy to be single these days. I'm concentrating on ME.
Maybe I'm just a selfish person but I like doing that. It feels good.
So Ive decided to make a move. I'm selling my gym equipment that I have in my second bedroom and going back to the Wellness Center.
The place saved my life 7 years ago and I think I need to go back to my roots.
At the very least, I can join for a month without the binding contract of a regular gym and if I fail to go ( FAIL being the operative word there) then at least I don't have the equipment leering at me every day like a shrine of my failed attempts to be healthy!
This week Ive been eating more than usual but not bad things. In fact I did a fridge purge on Monday and discovered that Ionly had 2 things that were "bad" for me in there!
Ive been eating lots of veggies and salad stuff, all low fat or fat free dressings, and fat free sugar free yogurt with added fresh fruit has become my favorite breakfast to take to work..( having peach with fresh blueberries as we speak!)
I made pork tenderloin for a meat for the week, which if you aren't aware of it actually has less fat and calories than white meat chicken or turkey, and I think almost all fish! ( this is the TENDERLOIN..NOT pork loin!!)
And I haven't been drinking as much..well not at all for several days anyway, which always makes me feel better.
Ironically as I write this I'm sure by this afternoon I will be getting the urge to go to the bar after work, but I'm going home. I am starting my "routine" by behaving during the week, and joining the gym Friday after work.
One of these days I'm going to look back through this rant and see exactly how many times Ive started over on a "New Life Plan" and dropped it just as quickly.
I hope this will not be one of those times. It feels right to me to be doing this. After recent encounters with the Internet dating thing and the Muffin I really think I just need to let all that go and work on myself.
I also am beginning to think I really don't want to "date" anyone..I mean ever again. I enjoy my alone time and HATE when people are in my space..accept for my friend Gwennie who just recently visited, because that was fine ironically. Most of the time however I enjoy my friends company in bursts. 24 hours being the cut off and that usually involves copious amounts of alcohol!!
Actually if I rethink it, its not really my friends that get on my nerves after a while, its the guys I date. They are in my space in a totally different way.
They are in my house, in my room, in my bathroom, on my sofa, in my kitchen...URGH!!! It feels like just writing this I'm all creeped out!!!
Maybe this intense creepiness factor is still stemming from that last guy I dated, (almost a year ago now in fact) because he was SO in my space that I became a raving bitch and behaved very badly toward him in the end. He drove me to it mind you, and I did warn him..over, and over, and over, that I needed space but he just wouldn't listen or GO AWAY when asked..or screamed at...to do so.
Have I become jaded to relationships because of the past in general or just that one person? My guess is a little of both.
Either way I feel so good by myself, ( as in single..not talking about hangin' with the peeps because I love that) I just wish I could have a little human contact now and then to curb the natural urges we all get!!
I am speaking of the rare but often times very convenient "friend with benefits".
I have had one of those once before in the past and in the end he started to get on my nerves, and since we in fact weren't that good of friends but much more on the benefit side of things I kicked him to the curb!
Is it that people think women should not behave that way that makes me feel strange even saying that?
I mean if my mother..and one of my sisters at least...read this they would probably FREAK, but hey, I'm 37 years old and my god you KNOW I'm no virgin.
Plus men do it all the time and no one blinks an eye!
Why cant I be a beautiful woman that wants to be close to a man without the choking attachment of being a couple?
Choking...good word for how it feels to me to be attached at the hip to a man.
The Muffin told me the other weekend that he KNOWS I'm still in love with him ( I think I already wrote about all that but I'm not sure if I added what he said about if he was single.)
He said if he was single and there was no Lovely Wife he was sure if he asked ( snapped his fingers is more like it!) me to marry him Id say yes.
His confidence is attractive but also irritating at times!! Rat Bastard!....how dare he say such a (true) thing!!??
Sometimes I wonder if I'm really stuck on him or just using his wonderful memory as a crutch to stand others away. Of course, the fact that hes kissed me 2 times now ( drunken kisses but still the kind we used to have that bring you to your knees!) doesn't help.
Job, men, money, body issues...That's pretty much my revolving life wheel.
Round and round and round she goes! And where she stops nobody knows!!!
Actually I'm happy to be single these days. I'm concentrating on ME.
Maybe I'm just a selfish person but I like doing that. It feels good.
So Ive decided to make a move. I'm selling my gym equipment that I have in my second bedroom and going back to the Wellness Center.
The place saved my life 7 years ago and I think I need to go back to my roots.
At the very least, I can join for a month without the binding contract of a regular gym and if I fail to go ( FAIL being the operative word there) then at least I don't have the equipment leering at me every day like a shrine of my failed attempts to be healthy!
This week Ive been eating more than usual but not bad things. In fact I did a fridge purge on Monday and discovered that Ionly had 2 things that were "bad" for me in there!
Ive been eating lots of veggies and salad stuff, all low fat or fat free dressings, and fat free sugar free yogurt with added fresh fruit has become my favorite breakfast to take to work..( having peach with fresh blueberries as we speak!)
I made pork tenderloin for a meat for the week, which if you aren't aware of it actually has less fat and calories than white meat chicken or turkey, and I think almost all fish! ( this is the TENDERLOIN..NOT pork loin!!)
And I haven't been drinking as much..well not at all for several days anyway, which always makes me feel better.
Ironically as I write this I'm sure by this afternoon I will be getting the urge to go to the bar after work, but I'm going home. I am starting my "routine" by behaving during the week, and joining the gym Friday after work.
One of these days I'm going to look back through this rant and see exactly how many times Ive started over on a "New Life Plan" and dropped it just as quickly.
I hope this will not be one of those times. It feels right to me to be doing this. After recent encounters with the Internet dating thing and the Muffin I really think I just need to let all that go and work on myself.
I also am beginning to think I really don't want to "date" anyone..I mean ever again. I enjoy my alone time and HATE when people are in my space..accept for my friend Gwennie who just recently visited, because that was fine ironically. Most of the time however I enjoy my friends company in bursts. 24 hours being the cut off and that usually involves copious amounts of alcohol!!
Actually if I rethink it, its not really my friends that get on my nerves after a while, its the guys I date. They are in my space in a totally different way.
They are in my house, in my room, in my bathroom, on my sofa, in my kitchen...URGH!!! It feels like just writing this I'm all creeped out!!!
Maybe this intense creepiness factor is still stemming from that last guy I dated, (almost a year ago now in fact) because he was SO in my space that I became a raving bitch and behaved very badly toward him in the end. He drove me to it mind you, and I did warn him..over, and over, and over, that I needed space but he just wouldn't listen or GO AWAY when asked..or screamed at...to do so.
Have I become jaded to relationships because of the past in general or just that one person? My guess is a little of both.
Either way I feel so good by myself, ( as in single..not talking about hangin' with the peeps because I love that) I just wish I could have a little human contact now and then to curb the natural urges we all get!!
I am speaking of the rare but often times very convenient "friend with benefits".
I have had one of those once before in the past and in the end he started to get on my nerves, and since we in fact weren't that good of friends but much more on the benefit side of things I kicked him to the curb!
Is it that people think women should not behave that way that makes me feel strange even saying that?
I mean if my mother..and one of my sisters at least...read this they would probably FREAK, but hey, I'm 37 years old and my god you KNOW I'm no virgin.
Plus men do it all the time and no one blinks an eye!
Why cant I be a beautiful woman that wants to be close to a man without the choking attachment of being a couple?
Choking...good word for how it feels to me to be attached at the hip to a man.
The Muffin told me the other weekend that he KNOWS I'm still in love with him ( I think I already wrote about all that but I'm not sure if I added what he said about if he was single.)
He said if he was single and there was no Lovely Wife he was sure if he asked ( snapped his fingers is more like it!) me to marry him Id say yes.
His confidence is attractive but also irritating at times!! Rat Bastard!....how dare he say such a (true) thing!!??
Sometimes I wonder if I'm really stuck on him or just using his wonderful memory as a crutch to stand others away. Of course, the fact that hes kissed me 2 times now ( drunken kisses but still the kind we used to have that bring you to your knees!) doesn't help.
Job, men, money, body issues...That's pretty much my revolving life wheel.
Round and round and round she goes! And where she stops nobody knows!!!
Monday, July 16, 2007
Life is a Banquet!!
And most poor suckers are starving to death!!
Auntie Mame...probably one of my favorite movies. The movies message is just that....life IS a banquet and if you don't take a big bite of it your starving yourself needlessly.
I'm biting!!
I was thinking this weekend about how blessed I am. My friends are so great, and my family is much more than I could ever ask for.
I have a job...which while I complain about it being a crappy job is actually pretty good considering the perks I get for it.
I have a lovely home...all MINE..and a tiny dog that I adore.
I love my life!!
I'm not sweating the small stuff anymore.....or the fat stuff!
I'm feeling great and looking great!
My life is truly a banquet and this fat and sassy woman is taking a BITE!!
So at this time Id like to thank God for putting me on this planet and gifting me with all these wonderful things!
I know the world is what you make it and I used to think I had wasted a bunch of my life on stupid things but now I realize that nothing Ive done is stupid. Every path you take leads somewhere.
I might not be a world traveler, or a scholar. I might not make the most money or be the thinnest person on the block, but I know I make a difference in peoples lives just being involved with them.
People can be catty, or cruel or even flat out mean, but that's never been my bag and I'm proud to say never will be.
I love that I'm the kind of person that trusts people right away. I don't ever want to lose my fascination with life.
I know looking back at this rant for the last few months I come off a lot of times as being depressed and miserable, but the truth is I'm a very happy person.
I think I vent the bad stuff here because I can and it doesn't hurt anyone.
Its like lancing a wound. Gotta get the poison out!
Speaking of getting this out:
So I had a little talk with The Lovely Wife last Friday. Seems Ive pissed her off or frustrated her with the catering thing by not being more pro active in getting jobs locked down.
She wants to take it in a direction that I don't want to go into. It was starting to make me feel antsy and nervous, and I don't want it to be like that.
Then I really gave it some thought and discovered that I'm going to do it on my own, and its probably better that way.
What she doesn't know might end up hurting us one day, and I think I realize...finally... that perhaps my friendship with The Muffin is not as healthy as I would have liked to believe.
Perhaps its holding ME back from moving on, and the thought also occurred to me that the whole cooking thing is really my bag. Yes shes a good cook, but has very little creativity and I know I'm the one that will really be creating the cuisine!
I am supposed to talk to her about the future of the business Wednesday. After being on the phone with her and thinking it over Ive decided to tell her exactly what i want to do with the business and that if she wants to be a part of it great, if not then maybe its best we dont go further together.
I'm not giving it up mind you, I'm just going to do it myself.
Ive always known I could, and the funny thing is it feels like a relief to me already that she might not be involved anymore.
I think its time for me to really move on in many ways.
I'm ready to open a new chapter and pretty happy about it!
I think for most of my life Ive compared what I do and enjoy to what others do and Ive been ashamed many times that my life is so simple.
I don't travel, I don't like to go to fancy restaurants, ( very often anyway) I don't buy into fashion or trends( accept shoes of course!!) and most of the time what I really like to do is lie in the sun, read and cook.
I'm a people pleaser but I also like to please myself.
Last week I had a day off during the week after my friend left to go back home and after cleaning the house a bit I basically spent the afternoon having a few cocktails and watching movies. I was HAPPY!
That sounds like a waste of time to some people but I think if that's what makes me happy whats wrong with it?
Just because I don't want to travel the world or go to museums and spend endless hours at a mall doesn't make what I do in my life less valid that someone who does all those things.
I'm embracing ME and I'm so happy about it!
Come on world ! Don't you want to give me a hug??!! HA!!
Auntie Mame...probably one of my favorite movies. The movies message is just that....life IS a banquet and if you don't take a big bite of it your starving yourself needlessly.
I'm biting!!
I was thinking this weekend about how blessed I am. My friends are so great, and my family is much more than I could ever ask for.
I have a job...which while I complain about it being a crappy job is actually pretty good considering the perks I get for it.
I have a lovely home...all MINE..and a tiny dog that I adore.
I love my life!!
I'm not sweating the small stuff anymore.....or the fat stuff!
I'm feeling great and looking great!
My life is truly a banquet and this fat and sassy woman is taking a BITE!!
So at this time Id like to thank God for putting me on this planet and gifting me with all these wonderful things!
I know the world is what you make it and I used to think I had wasted a bunch of my life on stupid things but now I realize that nothing Ive done is stupid. Every path you take leads somewhere.
I might not be a world traveler, or a scholar. I might not make the most money or be the thinnest person on the block, but I know I make a difference in peoples lives just being involved with them.
People can be catty, or cruel or even flat out mean, but that's never been my bag and I'm proud to say never will be.
I love that I'm the kind of person that trusts people right away. I don't ever want to lose my fascination with life.
I know looking back at this rant for the last few months I come off a lot of times as being depressed and miserable, but the truth is I'm a very happy person.
I think I vent the bad stuff here because I can and it doesn't hurt anyone.
Its like lancing a wound. Gotta get the poison out!
Speaking of getting this out:
So I had a little talk with The Lovely Wife last Friday. Seems Ive pissed her off or frustrated her with the catering thing by not being more pro active in getting jobs locked down.
She wants to take it in a direction that I don't want to go into. It was starting to make me feel antsy and nervous, and I don't want it to be like that.
Then I really gave it some thought and discovered that I'm going to do it on my own, and its probably better that way.
What she doesn't know might end up hurting us one day, and I think I realize...finally... that perhaps my friendship with The Muffin is not as healthy as I would have liked to believe.
Perhaps its holding ME back from moving on, and the thought also occurred to me that the whole cooking thing is really my bag. Yes shes a good cook, but has very little creativity and I know I'm the one that will really be creating the cuisine!
I am supposed to talk to her about the future of the business Wednesday. After being on the phone with her and thinking it over Ive decided to tell her exactly what i want to do with the business and that if she wants to be a part of it great, if not then maybe its best we dont go further together.
I'm not giving it up mind you, I'm just going to do it myself.
Ive always known I could, and the funny thing is it feels like a relief to me already that she might not be involved anymore.
I think its time for me to really move on in many ways.
I'm ready to open a new chapter and pretty happy about it!
I think for most of my life Ive compared what I do and enjoy to what others do and Ive been ashamed many times that my life is so simple.
I don't travel, I don't like to go to fancy restaurants, ( very often anyway) I don't buy into fashion or trends( accept shoes of course!!) and most of the time what I really like to do is lie in the sun, read and cook.
I'm a people pleaser but I also like to please myself.
Last week I had a day off during the week after my friend left to go back home and after cleaning the house a bit I basically spent the afternoon having a few cocktails and watching movies. I was HAPPY!
That sounds like a waste of time to some people but I think if that's what makes me happy whats wrong with it?
Just because I don't want to travel the world or go to museums and spend endless hours at a mall doesn't make what I do in my life less valid that someone who does all those things.
I'm embracing ME and I'm so happy about it!
Come on world ! Don't you want to give me a hug??!! HA!!
Thursday, July 12, 2007
WHAT DO I DO?
Sometimes I have a really hard time making up my mind.
Last night I couldn't stop thinking about the business thing. Do I really WANT to do this? If not is it because of all the hard work involved or because I don't think I can do it, period?
There have been times in my life that I have tried to do my own thing. My photography, which I'm very good at, but could never sell.
I fought for years to just do that for a living and couldn't ever make ends meet.
The catering thing has been brought up to me over the years many times and Ive always considered it but never pursued it because of all the complications with being legal and the start up costs.
Yesterday afternoon my mom called me and told me the big party ( our Coming Out party) has been postponed...again. People are out of town blah blah blah.
So I called my future partner to tell her this and shes of course pissed, as I was.
I appreciate what they are doing for us. Its a big deal, and the goal is for it to open doors for us to do other things.
So in the wake of this I decided to be pro active and suggested to her that we look into starting small with lunches for businesses. She was all for it.
Now, in after thought I'm second guessing myself. How are we going to make money selling sandwiches? I mean, I know people do it, but I have no idea how you keep your costs down so much that 2 people make a profit off of a $5 sandwich unless your selling a million sandwiches!
So based on this thought I of course want to throw in the towel.
Honestly, at this point, if it weren't for the fact that The Muffin would see me as a failure I probably would.
The Muffin...
We had a BIG chat the other night.
Apparently one of my friends...The Bean Spiller... decided to confront him about what he and I went through years back and the fact that hes never told The Lovely Wife.
He of course was freaking out that said person was going to reveal the secret and was basically begging him not to tell.
Later, however, in the wee hours of the morning ( we were all hanging out this night) he and I were the only ones left awake and we started talking about it.
For the first time EVER he really expressed how badly he felt that he'd hurt me so much.
( hes like the thief that not sorry he stole but ver very sorry hes going to jail!!)
He also told be he thought I was still in love with him......still..as if hes known all along even though Ive never uttered those words to him in any way accept friendship.
I of course denied this accusation....but everyone knows I cant lie worth a damn....
We also both agreed that neither of us ever imagined that The Lovely Wife and I would ever have become such great friends.
The fact that we want to start a business together is even scarier.
He asked me what "we" should do.
I thought about it and for the first time I thought no...let it lie...bury it deep. Never tell her.
The fact is that telling her something now, years later, that really never had anything to do with her to begin with (seeing as how it happened a year before they ever met) is going to hurt our friendship and possibly end their marriage.
The thing I have discovered about The Lovely Wife, that Muffin always told be but I didn't believe, is that shes very insecure.
Knowing he and I had been together...quite a few times...for several months...even if we never "officially dated", ( he made sure to rub that part in!) would make her very upset at this point.
The fact that she asked him about it a long time ago and he lied to her doesn't help.
Does that make me a liar too?
I don't want to be a liar, and I told him if she EVER asks me Id tell her the truth, but that for now, I really didn't want to destroy them or her and I....or HIM and I.
Is that the right thing to do?
Now this whole thing begs the question to me ...am I in the business with her to be around him?
I mean, this sort of would seal it. If she and I are successful I would assume we would be working together for years to come, thus Id always be a part of his life in some way.
Oh man I'm sick....
I'm also afraid the Bean Spiller of the other night is REALLY wanting to tell her for his own selfish reasons...to get back at me for spilling the beans a few months back about an actual affair. ( If your confused just go back a few months!)
I told the Muffin that I will just make sure that shes never around that person again by herself. Not a hard task to handle really. That was the first time they had ever been by themselves in all this time, and by my invitation so I doubt it will be hard to avoid in the future.
Plus I told Bean Spiller that if he or anyone chose to spill said beans to The Lovely Wife it would NOT be some moral triumph, but a malicious attempt to hurt me, him and her.
Nothing good can come of her knowing at this point.
Again..
Does that make me a liar? Or am I protecting the one I (still) love?
Do I go ahead with this business? Do I stop it now? Do I seperate myself from both of them?
Will I die if I dont see him anymore? It feels like I would...
Last night I couldn't stop thinking about the business thing. Do I really WANT to do this? If not is it because of all the hard work involved or because I don't think I can do it, period?
There have been times in my life that I have tried to do my own thing. My photography, which I'm very good at, but could never sell.
I fought for years to just do that for a living and couldn't ever make ends meet.
The catering thing has been brought up to me over the years many times and Ive always considered it but never pursued it because of all the complications with being legal and the start up costs.
Yesterday afternoon my mom called me and told me the big party ( our Coming Out party) has been postponed...again. People are out of town blah blah blah.
So I called my future partner to tell her this and shes of course pissed, as I was.
I appreciate what they are doing for us. Its a big deal, and the goal is for it to open doors for us to do other things.
So in the wake of this I decided to be pro active and suggested to her that we look into starting small with lunches for businesses. She was all for it.
Now, in after thought I'm second guessing myself. How are we going to make money selling sandwiches? I mean, I know people do it, but I have no idea how you keep your costs down so much that 2 people make a profit off of a $5 sandwich unless your selling a million sandwiches!
So based on this thought I of course want to throw in the towel.
Honestly, at this point, if it weren't for the fact that The Muffin would see me as a failure I probably would.
The Muffin...
We had a BIG chat the other night.
Apparently one of my friends...The Bean Spiller... decided to confront him about what he and I went through years back and the fact that hes never told The Lovely Wife.
He of course was freaking out that said person was going to reveal the secret and was basically begging him not to tell.
Later, however, in the wee hours of the morning ( we were all hanging out this night) he and I were the only ones left awake and we started talking about it.
For the first time EVER he really expressed how badly he felt that he'd hurt me so much.
( hes like the thief that not sorry he stole but ver very sorry hes going to jail!!)
He also told be he thought I was still in love with him......still..as if hes known all along even though Ive never uttered those words to him in any way accept friendship.
I of course denied this accusation....but everyone knows I cant lie worth a damn....
We also both agreed that neither of us ever imagined that The Lovely Wife and I would ever have become such great friends.
The fact that we want to start a business together is even scarier.
He asked me what "we" should do.
I thought about it and for the first time I thought no...let it lie...bury it deep. Never tell her.
The fact is that telling her something now, years later, that really never had anything to do with her to begin with (seeing as how it happened a year before they ever met) is going to hurt our friendship and possibly end their marriage.
The thing I have discovered about The Lovely Wife, that Muffin always told be but I didn't believe, is that shes very insecure.
Knowing he and I had been together...quite a few times...for several months...even if we never "officially dated", ( he made sure to rub that part in!) would make her very upset at this point.
The fact that she asked him about it a long time ago and he lied to her doesn't help.
Does that make me a liar too?
I don't want to be a liar, and I told him if she EVER asks me Id tell her the truth, but that for now, I really didn't want to destroy them or her and I....or HIM and I.
Is that the right thing to do?
Now this whole thing begs the question to me ...am I in the business with her to be around him?
I mean, this sort of would seal it. If she and I are successful I would assume we would be working together for years to come, thus Id always be a part of his life in some way.
Oh man I'm sick....
I'm also afraid the Bean Spiller of the other night is REALLY wanting to tell her for his own selfish reasons...to get back at me for spilling the beans a few months back about an actual affair. ( If your confused just go back a few months!)
I told the Muffin that I will just make sure that shes never around that person again by herself. Not a hard task to handle really. That was the first time they had ever been by themselves in all this time, and by my invitation so I doubt it will be hard to avoid in the future.
Plus I told Bean Spiller that if he or anyone chose to spill said beans to The Lovely Wife it would NOT be some moral triumph, but a malicious attempt to hurt me, him and her.
Nothing good can come of her knowing at this point.
Again..
Does that make me a liar? Or am I protecting the one I (still) love?
Do I go ahead with this business? Do I stop it now? Do I seperate myself from both of them?
Will I die if I dont see him anymore? It feels like I would...
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Back to the grind
Wow, its strange to be back at work after being off for over a week. This morning as I was getting ready to come in I was thinking to myself how lucky I am to have a job that is so flexible and pretty solid.
How do you make yourself driven to do more?
This is not a weight thing, this is a LIFE thing.
There are so many things I need to do in order to advance in my life and I find myself day after day just going through the motions without ever really making the effort it takes to take off.
Sometimes I wonder if its fear of what might happen if I make changes then it falls apart.
The catering thing. Do I really WANT to do this?
I think I do. I think I really want it to happen but I have no drive to make it happen. I just want to cook the food and be done with it.
I have no head for business and while I don't think I'm lazy I do like my free time. I'm not thinking about what it will be like to work my current job PLUS the catering, I'M thinking of taking time off from this job to do it so i still have my personal time.
Is that lazy?
Maybe I'm just spoiled.
Anyway, I'm thinking about it and I just don't know where to go from here.
I'm not making time to get the business crap together at all. I throw out a million ideas but don't want to sit down and put numbers to them.
I need a business manager!
Cant I be an artist and just have someone else crunch the numbers and deal with the clients?
The people that are the most successful in life are the ones that do it all. Self promote and get out there! Take the doors slammed in the face and go on to the next one.
Every daylight hour used to the fullest.
I'm not sure that's who I am. Well, actually I know its not. I mean yeah, I'll work my butt off at a task, but I am not a salesperson, or a business person.
What do I do?
If I don't follow through with the catering i am going to have to bite the corporate bullet and get another job because this one is never going to go anywhere.
On the other hand if I really want to pursue the catering this job is perfect because I can still do it while doing the catering and if I need to cut my hours here I know my boss wouldn't care. In fact, he'd probably jump for joy!
HELP!
I need guidance. Yes, I need someone good with business to sit down and hold my hand through this.
JUST GET ME STARTED!!
How do you make yourself driven to do more?
This is not a weight thing, this is a LIFE thing.
There are so many things I need to do in order to advance in my life and I find myself day after day just going through the motions without ever really making the effort it takes to take off.
Sometimes I wonder if its fear of what might happen if I make changes then it falls apart.
The catering thing. Do I really WANT to do this?
I think I do. I think I really want it to happen but I have no drive to make it happen. I just want to cook the food and be done with it.
I have no head for business and while I don't think I'm lazy I do like my free time. I'm not thinking about what it will be like to work my current job PLUS the catering, I'M thinking of taking time off from this job to do it so i still have my personal time.
Is that lazy?
Maybe I'm just spoiled.
Anyway, I'm thinking about it and I just don't know where to go from here.
I'm not making time to get the business crap together at all. I throw out a million ideas but don't want to sit down and put numbers to them.
I need a business manager!
Cant I be an artist and just have someone else crunch the numbers and deal with the clients?
The people that are the most successful in life are the ones that do it all. Self promote and get out there! Take the doors slammed in the face and go on to the next one.
Every daylight hour used to the fullest.
I'm not sure that's who I am. Well, actually I know its not. I mean yeah, I'll work my butt off at a task, but I am not a salesperson, or a business person.
What do I do?
If I don't follow through with the catering i am going to have to bite the corporate bullet and get another job because this one is never going to go anywhere.
On the other hand if I really want to pursue the catering this job is perfect because I can still do it while doing the catering and if I need to cut my hours here I know my boss wouldn't care. In fact, he'd probably jump for joy!
HELP!
I need guidance. Yes, I need someone good with business to sit down and hold my hand through this.
JUST GET ME STARTED!!
Monday, July 9, 2007
Wonderful times...wierd times!
Today I dropped my wonderful friend Gwenn off at the airport after spending the last 10 days with her.
I miss her already!
Its so funny to me. I'm a loner most of the time. In my home, at the office, pretty much every day with the exception of the once a week or so that I see my friends I am alone. For the last 10 days Ive had Gwenn here though, and even in my tiny house we were fine. Existing happily around each other as if she lived here all the time. It was great.
We didn't do much accept go out, cook here, swim and see other friends. I guess that was a good enough vacation for her because she seemed happy to be here and sad to leave.
I was sad...AM sad to see her go. Back to Florida to her own friends and life that I haven't really been a part of for many years.
I guess it my turn to go see her!
I feel strange today as I write this.
I feel uneasy and ill almost. Nervous that something bad is about to happen to me. My job? Maybe. After taking most of last week off and and having only one nasty panicked email from my boss I received 2 this morning. I guess he forgot I was supposed to be off today and tomorrow as well.
I didn't feel guilty about being off before when Gwenn was here but now for some reason I do even though Id made these plans months ago.
My boss...my crap job. I don't know what to do about it. I'm half scared and half just lazy about trying to find something else. Also, there's the catering thing.
If we ( the lovely wife of the Muffin and I ) are really going to make a go of it then I will actually be better off staying with the job I'm in. Its flexible and I'm quite sure my boss would be happy for me to cut down my hours.
Have you ever been in a place so long you begin to feel squeezed in? I feel like my time there is wearing thin but at the same time I look at other people who have the same job for their whole lives and work through tough times. Almost like being married I guess. I wouldn't really know, but I DO know that things are strained there and have been for some time.
I'm doing my job to the best of my ability...beyond the call of duty sometimes, and ALWAYS without appreciation from The Boss.
Oh hes quick to jump on a minor failure, but succeed and hes quiet as a mouse.
So I'm sitting here wondering....am I being a fool for wasting my time there? Should I scrap the catering idea and just try and find a 9-5 job droning away like everyone else in cooperate America?
The thought of that makes me want to cry.
The thing is, I'm terrified of making changes. I'm also terrified that things wont work out with the catering as I ( we) hope and I'll be stuck again.
I guess nothing ventured nothing gained.
Am I just a lazy person? Maybe I am. I have always thought of myself otherwise but I'm beginning to think I really am just a bog fat lazy slob!
Complacent...going sleepily through life...waiting for things to happen TO me...not going out to make things happen.
I really WANT to make things happen, but I find myself making excuses.
I dont know enough about it,
I don't have any money to invest,
I don't have the time (and heaven forbid I give up my weekends!)
I'm fat..they wont hire me.
Hell in the food industry that should be a gift!
I guess I'm just fretting right now because of those emailed form Boss man. God I HATE when hes like that. 8:00 AM mail...I need blah blah blah "RIGHT AWAY"...as if what hes asking me for is a matter of life and death....which I know its not because whenever he does this and I get it to him "Right Away" he will sit on whatever it is for a month, then go into a fit if one little thing is wrong with it!
Maybe if he bothered to LOOK at my work Right Away and give me the information I need RIGHT AWAY that he sits on forever I might be able to do my job to his satisfaction!
I'm frustrated and I don't want to deal with him being pissy with me over nothing.
Ive become his personal punching bad in the last year due to some very bad business decisions HE made.
UUrrgh!! The more I write about it the more my stomach is in knots!
Waiting for another crap email...its lunchtime and he usually checks his mail then.
Has he discovered that I am scheduled to be off until Wednesday yet? And if so, will that send him over the edge?
God I wish I have money saved up so I could just quit.
Just say FU!! and walk out. See what a fine mess he'd be in. I mean the man doesn't even know how much money hes got in his own checking accounts!! Or if bills are paid, or if people are happy! Hes just walking in this fog of pissy "I have my ass on my shoulders so watch out" attitude written all over him!
It sucks. I really used to love my job.
Maybe this is the push I need to do something.
If is it i just hope I don't fall off the cliff in the process.
Gwenn! I miss you ! I had a great time and I will see you soon!!
I miss her already!
Its so funny to me. I'm a loner most of the time. In my home, at the office, pretty much every day with the exception of the once a week or so that I see my friends I am alone. For the last 10 days Ive had Gwenn here though, and even in my tiny house we were fine. Existing happily around each other as if she lived here all the time. It was great.
We didn't do much accept go out, cook here, swim and see other friends. I guess that was a good enough vacation for her because she seemed happy to be here and sad to leave.
I was sad...AM sad to see her go. Back to Florida to her own friends and life that I haven't really been a part of for many years.
I guess it my turn to go see her!
I feel strange today as I write this.
I feel uneasy and ill almost. Nervous that something bad is about to happen to me. My job? Maybe. After taking most of last week off and and having only one nasty panicked email from my boss I received 2 this morning. I guess he forgot I was supposed to be off today and tomorrow as well.
I didn't feel guilty about being off before when Gwenn was here but now for some reason I do even though Id made these plans months ago.
My boss...my crap job. I don't know what to do about it. I'm half scared and half just lazy about trying to find something else. Also, there's the catering thing.
If we ( the lovely wife of the Muffin and I ) are really going to make a go of it then I will actually be better off staying with the job I'm in. Its flexible and I'm quite sure my boss would be happy for me to cut down my hours.
Have you ever been in a place so long you begin to feel squeezed in? I feel like my time there is wearing thin but at the same time I look at other people who have the same job for their whole lives and work through tough times. Almost like being married I guess. I wouldn't really know, but I DO know that things are strained there and have been for some time.
I'm doing my job to the best of my ability...beyond the call of duty sometimes, and ALWAYS without appreciation from The Boss.
Oh hes quick to jump on a minor failure, but succeed and hes quiet as a mouse.
So I'm sitting here wondering....am I being a fool for wasting my time there? Should I scrap the catering idea and just try and find a 9-5 job droning away like everyone else in cooperate America?
The thought of that makes me want to cry.
The thing is, I'm terrified of making changes. I'm also terrified that things wont work out with the catering as I ( we) hope and I'll be stuck again.
I guess nothing ventured nothing gained.
Am I just a lazy person? Maybe I am. I have always thought of myself otherwise but I'm beginning to think I really am just a bog fat lazy slob!
Complacent...going sleepily through life...waiting for things to happen TO me...not going out to make things happen.
I really WANT to make things happen, but I find myself making excuses.
I dont know enough about it,
I don't have any money to invest,
I don't have the time (and heaven forbid I give up my weekends!)
I'm fat..they wont hire me.
Hell in the food industry that should be a gift!
I guess I'm just fretting right now because of those emailed form Boss man. God I HATE when hes like that. 8:00 AM mail...I need blah blah blah "RIGHT AWAY"...as if what hes asking me for is a matter of life and death....which I know its not because whenever he does this and I get it to him "Right Away" he will sit on whatever it is for a month, then go into a fit if one little thing is wrong with it!
Maybe if he bothered to LOOK at my work Right Away and give me the information I need RIGHT AWAY that he sits on forever I might be able to do my job to his satisfaction!
I'm frustrated and I don't want to deal with him being pissy with me over nothing.
Ive become his personal punching bad in the last year due to some very bad business decisions HE made.
UUrrgh!! The more I write about it the more my stomach is in knots!
Waiting for another crap email...its lunchtime and he usually checks his mail then.
Has he discovered that I am scheduled to be off until Wednesday yet? And if so, will that send him over the edge?
God I wish I have money saved up so I could just quit.
Just say FU!! and walk out. See what a fine mess he'd be in. I mean the man doesn't even know how much money hes got in his own checking accounts!! Or if bills are paid, or if people are happy! Hes just walking in this fog of pissy "I have my ass on my shoulders so watch out" attitude written all over him!
It sucks. I really used to love my job.
Maybe this is the push I need to do something.
If is it i just hope I don't fall off the cliff in the process.
Gwenn! I miss you ! I had a great time and I will see you soon!!
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Good news
Hes OK. No cancer. :)
While waiting to hear this news I was thinking that I just want to be something or do something to make my dad proud before he dies...whenver that might be! Im going to be that daughter that he deserves.
While waiting to hear this news I was thinking that I just want to be something or do something to make my dad proud before he dies...whenver that might be! Im going to be that daughter that he deserves.
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