The Wheel of Life

No, I'm not getting married..HA! Nothing could be further from the situation!
Actually I'm happy to be single these days. I'm concentrating on ME.

Maybe I'm just a selfish person but I like doing that. It feels good.

So Ive decided to make a move. I'm selling my gym equipment that I have in my second bedroom and going back to the Wellness Center.
The place saved my life 7 years ago and I think I need to go back to my roots.

At the very least, I can join for a month without the binding contract of a regular gym and if I fail to go ( FAIL being the operative word there) then at least I don't have the equipment leering at me every day like a shrine of my failed attempts to be healthy!

This week Ive been eating more than usual but not bad things. In fact I did a fridge purge on Monday and discovered that Ionly had 2 things that were "bad" for me in there!

Ive been eating lots of veggies and salad stuff, all low fat or fat free dressings, and fat free sugar free yogurt with added fresh fruit has become my favorite breakfast to take to work..( having peach with fresh blueberries as we speak!)
I made pork tenderloin for a meat for the week, which if you aren't aware of it actually has less fat and calories than white meat chicken or turkey, and I think almost all fish! ( this is the TENDERLOIN..NOT pork loin!!)
And I haven't been drinking as much..well not at all for several days anyway, which always makes me feel better.
Ironically as I write this I'm sure by this afternoon I will be getting the urge to go to the bar after work, but I'm going home. I am starting my "routine" by behaving during the week, and joining the gym Friday after work.

One of these days I'm going to look back through this rant and see exactly how many times Ive started over on a "New Life Plan" and dropped it just as quickly.

I hope this will not be one of those times. It feels right to me to be doing this. After recent encounters with the Internet dating thing and the Muffin I really think I just need to let all that go and work on myself.
I also am beginning to think I really don't want to "date" anyone..I mean ever again. I enjoy my alone time and HATE when people are in my space..accept for my friend Gwennie who just recently visited, because that was fine ironically. Most of the time however I enjoy my friends company in bursts. 24 hours being the cut off and that usually involves copious amounts of alcohol!!
Actually if I rethink it, its not really my friends that get on my nerves after a while, its the guys I date. They are in my space in a totally different way.
They are in my house, in my room, in my bathroom, on my sofa, in my kitchen...URGH!!! It feels like just writing this I'm all creeped out!!!
Maybe this intense creepiness factor is still stemming from that last guy I dated, (almost a year ago now in fact) because he was SO in my space that I became a raving bitch and behaved very badly toward him in the end. He drove me to it mind you, and I did warn him..over, and over, and over, that I needed space but he just wouldn't listen or GO AWAY when asked..or screamed at...to do so.
Have I become jaded to relationships because of the past in general or just that one person? My guess is a little of both.
Either way I feel so good by myself, ( as in single..not talking about hangin' with the peeps because I love that) I just wish I could have a little human contact now and then to curb the natural urges we all get!!
I am speaking of the rare but often times very convenient "friend with benefits".
I have had one of those once before in the past and in the end he started to get on my nerves, and since we in fact weren't that good of friends but much more on the benefit side of things I kicked him to the curb!
Is it that people think women should not behave that way that makes me feel strange even saying that?
I mean if my mother..and one of my sisters at least...read this they would probably FREAK, but hey, I'm 37 years old and my god you KNOW I'm no virgin.
Plus men do it all the time and no one blinks an eye!
Why cant I be a beautiful woman that wants to be close to a man without the choking attachment of being a couple?
Choking...good word for how it feels to me to be attached at the hip to a man.
The Muffin told me the other weekend that he KNOWS I'm still in love with him ( I think I already wrote about all that but I'm not sure if I added what he said about if he was single.)

He said if he was single and there was no Lovely Wife he was sure if he asked ( snapped his fingers is more like it!) me to marry him Id say yes.

His confidence is attractive but also irritating at times!! Rat Bastard!....how dare he say such a (true) thing!!??
Sometimes I wonder if I'm really stuck on him or just using his wonderful memory as a crutch to stand others away. Of course, the fact that hes kissed me 2 times now ( drunken kisses but still the kind we used to have that bring you to your knees!) doesn't help.

Job, men, money, body issues...That's pretty much my revolving life wheel.
Round and round and round she goes! And where she stops nobody knows!!!