Well, here I am again and I'm trying this time to do something different. I've committed, with my best friend, Andy, to not drink for the next 3 months and get healthy in general.
I have to say, this past week was not as easy as I thought in some ways, and much easier in others, but today is day 7 and I'm OK. I joined the Wellness Center again and have been every day since Friday...so 4 days in a row...wow I just realized that today will not only be my 7th day to be without alcohol...(which by the way is a big deal for me considering that I haven't gone longer than 5 days without it in about 20 years), its also the 5th day in a row of working out, which hasn't happened in years as well. I feel like that thing that clicked in me years ago when I lost weight has clicked again, but this time its just for me, and only me. I've been in therapy since June and today I really had a breakthrough.
This voice I hear in my head...almost like its another person, over the years has cooed me into making it OK to have what I want when I want and usually what I THINK I want is not really what will make me happy, but the voice says it will. So she told me today to stop trying to ignore the voice, rather to go into the voice, and figure out what I really want when its happening, and why its happening. Like, actually TALK to the voice.
Sounds nuts I know, and I feel nuts writing about it, but it sort of makes sense considering how much I talk to myself anyway!
As of today I've lost 8 lbs since the start of this, which for me was Wednesday the 4th. It was going to be the 2nd, but I drank all afternoon and felt like crap...then it was going to be Tuesday but after my therapy session the voice popped in my head and took over, telling me to go home and just have one more day of TV and "fun", and I listened to it..to me. and the minute I did I regretted it. So Wednesday morning I came clean. The house is pretty much free of all booze (there's still some special stuff laying around but nothing I'm tempted to drink) and I totally purged my cabinets and fridge of all the "bad" things.
This is a practice, other than the booze of course, that I used to do regularly and I have to say, when I saw the empty fridge I literally got a sense of clam and relief washing over me. Like a sigh.
The rest of the week and weekend went OK, although the voice did pop up a few times, only for me to shut it down. Then yesterday I really had a weak minute where I wanted to go out because of the BCS Championship game and Alabama was in it ( WE WON!! YAY!!) but typically Id be with my friends drinking for something like that, and I wanted to go. The more I thought about it the worse it got, like I was just obsessed with the idea to the point of crying.
I texted Andy, and told him what I was thinking about doing and he really let me have it, but in a way that made me look at myself. He left it to me to decide, telling me to have fun, so naturally I felt guilty and decided not to go. I worked out instead and felt the tension of the moment go away but still am freaked out by the level of ...well...freak out that I had over it.
I ended up watching it at home with Dave ( who never drinks) and we actually had a great time. I didnt even miss the drinking.
Today in therapy we discussed it and while there's no doubt that I have some level of addiction going on, the voice thing, which I've never really shared with anyone before, was the breakthrough. She told me to be the voice speaking to her as if she were me, and what did I want to tell "me". I didn't know at first then blurted out "I want you to be happy"...like tell you its OK to do this or that because its something you WANT and if you get it it will make you happy"...well maybe not that verbatim, but close enough. But knowing that most if not all the things that the voice over the years has told me to do have been bad things I know that's not the truth. but maybe in some way it is. Like in the morning when I get up and don't want to go to work, and I hit the alarm telling myself, Ill just be late. I hear the voice say...You know your going to call in. And I tell myself, NO I'm not, but then I do.
Or any number of things like that.
We kind of discovered its the child's voice in me that still wants what it wants when it wants it no matter what the consequences are, and also, like a child, doesn't really know what is good for it.
Like with food, especially as a kid dieting all the time. Id have fits of crying over not being able to have certain things until my mom would feel sorry for me and make me something, which would immediately calm me down.
Of course everyone knows about the theory of comfort eating, and I have always thought about that but not to this level. Or maybe I have but just didnt really GET IT.
I think today I GET IT.
So anyway, thats my catch up for now. Im pretty tired today and theres a lot more to go over from the past few months, not the least of which is the fact that I was laid off in August and have remained unemployed all this time.
I guess today Im good and thats what counts. 7 days. Who would think that 7 days would reveal so much about a person. Makes me wonder what I will know about myself at the end of 3 months. Hopefully it will be a good experience. I guess health wise, it cant be bad.
I'm just praying for the strength to get through it day by day.
