2012 is ending in a little more than 12 hours. So what has 2012 left me with? Another year older and deeper in debt! Well yes, that's true. I'm still unemployed, and although I have been working on starting a photography business, I admit my focus has been elsewhere.
My unemployment ended Friday the 29th, (unless the government gets it together) but I still have options I'm looking into that will hopefully at least save my house, and one of my goals for the new year is to refocus on the business and really get it moving.
I know I can do it.
How do I know?
Because looking back at all these years of struggle I know now that if I'm determined to do something nothing can keep me from it.
If I ever need proof of that all I have to do is look at the picture I posted in May 2011 (left), when I was considering weight loss surgery, and look at myself now. (right)
I don't even look like the same person, and in may ways I'm not. Inside and out.
As of today I've lost 86 lbs from July 30th of 2011 (78 of which is since January 4th 2011) when I weighed in at Emory for the orientation of possible weight loss surgery....and I did it WITHOUT surgery. I've still got another 76 ish to go but seeing my progress over the year I know I can reach my goal.
I don't need surgery. I only need myself.
I don't know that I ever really thought that before. Even back in 2000 when I last lost about the same amount of weight. I was never at my real goal, and I got comfortable and just stopped. Never imagining that the weight would ever come back but obviously this is a lifelong thing that I'm doing that wont ever stop. I used to think that the thought of never being able to stop fighting this battle with my body was a miserable, daunting task and maybe that's why I just gave up. I don't feel that way anymore. Sometimes I get down about the way my body looks, but its mine and I know I have to love it and keep it as healthy as possible. Period. I have to forgive myself when I fall, and just get up and keep moving forward.
Admittedly, December has been a month of little to no forward progress in the weight loss arena, BUT, as my therapist advised, the goal for the holidays is not to lose weight, but just not to gain any, and that I have accomplished.
My changes inside have been remarkable as well. I have more self esteem and confidence than ever before. I feel like there is hope for me for the future in business as well as love.
I KNOW in my heart and soul that love is out there for me as well as success. The love part is kind of in the works, and other than keeping myself calm and trying not to fall back into old habits of self doubt and over thinking everything there is not much I can do to make that happen.
I have met someone, Mike D., who I've now been dating since October 4th, (first date! hehe) and I really have fallen hard for him.
Sometimes I'm not sure if its because were always basically sober together, which makes this a first for me in sooo many ways, or if its actually love and I just keep trying to justify it. Never having had it returned to me makes it very hard to recognize when it is.
Its a far from perfect story and he has a lot of things in his life that make it complicated for us to really move forward, (including the tragic death of his mom about a month in to us seeing each other) but it looks like whatever is going to happen as far as us moving forward as a couple, or breaking up entirely (which I sincerely hope does NOT happen) is going to happen in the next few weeks.
It all hinges on a trip hes taking to see his dad in North Carolina this Friday.
Complicated... he hates his job, which I don't blame him for because it does kind of suck, but hes supposed to be getting a promotion mid January which will hopefully make that better. Hes also about to have to move and he says he thinks hes worked that out with a friend of his as far as getting a new roommate and such. The trip, however, is I think to see what his options might be if he moved up there with his dad.
I sincerely only want whats best for him, and if its to move I guess that's what it will be.
I've already been thinking of all the good things hes brought to my life that hes not even aware of, and if he disappears from it I will miss him terribly but never regret the time we've spent together. If God or the universe wants me to be with him I know I will be.
I KNOW I'm ready and deserving of love in my life, and if hes not the one, I'll find him (or he will find me), and I'll take the lessons of my time with Mike into whatever relationship I'm supposed to be in.
I'm ready for a refocus in January. I'm ready to pull out all the stops in my business life, and ready to get back on the pony with my weight loss and ride that horse all the way home.
I was thinking earlier as I read last years post, where will I be this time next year when I read this one? I can tell you, even with all the drive and hope I had last year I don't think I imagined Id be where I am right now. I think I just wanted to get through one day at a time. Not a bad way to do things, and apparently it did work.
So I'll say this, I don't have a clue where I'll be when I'm reading this post next year, but I have all the hope in the world that I'll be either at or close to my weight loss goal, that my business will have taken off enough to support me in my home, and that I'll be in a happy, loving, healthy relationship.. with Mike.
I'm ready for ya 2013!
Happy New Year to ME!!
