Update: Month 1 starts June 2011

The seminar on the 12th was really nothing more than 5 people in a small room watching a video, then being given a packet of forms to fill out and bring back. Its taken me almost 2 weeks to get my act together enough to get the forms done, and today I'm bringing them to the office to turn in. They review the documents, evaluate, then set the first appointment, which they say takes about 2 weeks, so I will officially be in the first of my 6 month evaluation in June. Really, the timing couldn't be better since I dont want to actually have the surgery until January. I also dont want to tell my Dr that for fear he will think I'm not committed. Its not that, its just I know this is going to be a hard thing for me to deal with. No drinking, and no eating normal foods for months and over the holidays? Forget it. Not the best way to start the plan I suspect.

Im almost done with my smoking, which is good, since I filled out the forms saying Id already quit. I smoked one cigarette on Thursday night, one Friday, and one Saturday. Sunday I smoked I think 2 or 3. All while drinking so Im feeling pretty good about that.

My eating has been off the charts though. I nearly made myself sick yesterday eating frozen birthday cake. Why do I have frozen birthday cake? Well my friend Anne had a birthday last week and I had the idea to got her a cake for the pool party we had Saturday, and of course, in the back of my head, I really wanted that cake so I could have some. Boy did I!!! I scoffed 2 pieces in the kitchen when no one was looking after it had been cut, then I took home the leftovers, meaning (seriously) to give it to Beth for her boyfriend John, but she got out of the car and didnt take it, and I didnt remind her to take it. So I got home, cut half of what was left which I guess equaled a little less than 1/4 of the cake, and froze it. Frozen frosting is delicious. Reminds me of being a kid and getting Baskin Robins ice cream cakes.

I had some of it upon waking Sunday morning after "brunch", then before I went to bed I polished the rest off. Thank god Id sent the other chunk home with Beth at that point.

Its so strange to me that my craving for sweets has gotten so bad recently.

I dont know if its because Im allowing myself to have them for the first time in well, forever, without guilt, so Im going nuts, or if its something else.

I do know Ive been a cranky bitch lately. I put this down to having gone over a year and a half with no sex. I feel very unattractive and out of balance.

My body feels like all of the sudden its barreling down hill where as before I almost didnt notice the slow decline.

I know Im the heaviest ive ever been in my life, and since I felt like I needed to gain weight for the qualification of insurance for the sleeve procedure, Ive been hitting fast food and crap daily.

I was so sick of fast food that I had a salad last week for dinner and thought it was the best thing Id ever eaten!

Also, the thought of all these years constantly worrying about every bite I put in my mouth, (often eating whatever I want away then just feeling the guilt afterwards), then suddenly eating crap...a LOT of crap, on purpose, so I can GAIN 8 lbs is just hard to wrap my head around.

I still dont know if I can even qualify if I lose weight over the next 6 months. Im not sure how that works.

They say I have to have a BMI of 50 to qualify for the sleeve surgery, and my thought is, well, even if I have one now, if Im supposed to be on a supervised weight loss program for the next 6 months, isint it logical to think I will be under that at the time of the end of that period?

I guess these are questions I will have to ask my Dr when I get in for that first appointment.

I have to say, going to the little session was a little nerve racking. I felt embarrassed waling in. There was a waiting room full of fat people waiting for their own surgical miracle who all turned to look at who was coming in, and I rushed right past them. I guess thats something Im going to need to get used to. Poking, prodding, staring.

Oh, part of the paperwork required that I take a front and side view photo of myself. It actually said to wear clothing that doesnt conceal, meaning they want to see as much fat as possible. Dramatic I thought. I took my photos in my normal clothes. I look very fat, so I hope it is satisfying.

I also look 50 years old, and miserable. I didnt feel like I was frowning in them, but it looks like Im about to cry or something. I think that the fat on my face is so bad its just dragging it all down. Disgusting. Seeing them made me want to hide in my house until its all over.

Will it ever be over though?

One of the 5 people in the viewing room at the Drs office was a former bypass patient. When she said that I was visibly shocked I think. I cant understand how its possible to gain so much weight back after having this surgery. ANY of the surgeries. It appears to be though, so Ive still got my work cut out for me.

Keeping moving.

Ready Set GO!

Today I will be going to my first "appointment" for surgery. Its actually not even an appointment, its a seminar that you are required to attend in order to get an appointment at Kennestone Bariatric.

Its really amazing to me the hoops you are made to jump through in order to get this surgery. Everyone talks about the raging obesity problem in America, and the cost of health care associated with it, and yet the things that can help cure (or at least control) it are made so expensive, inaccessible, or an incredible pain in the ass that people just don't do it.

My hope today is to get an idea of what I'm really facing, should I go through with this procedure, IF I can even be qualified for this procedure, which is another annoyance.

Ive been eating like a cow the last week or so actually trying to GAIN 8 lbs to put me in the zone for the procedure. Guess what...Ive lost 5 lbs. Crazy.

So Ive decided that I will just beg them to say I weigh 10lbs, or how ever many (cant be much more than that) more lbs than I do so my stupid insurance will cover the procedure.

Again...crazy. if they cant or wont do that, I'm going to have to go with another alternative. Im NOT getting a band, and I'm NOT getting regular bypass.

I'm a little nervous about this today. Although its not anything like the stuff I will be doing if I go to the Emory appointment in June, its still a step acknowledging that I'm here, I'm doing this.

I'm keeping the Emory appointment though, just in case I cant have the sleeve procedure at Kennestone because I know they have an Optifast program.

I'm hoping that today I can find out if Kennestone will be able to put me on Optifast. I'm hoping that if I can start to do that, maybe I wont need the surgery.

I don't know why I feel like I need a Dr's supervision to diet..well not even diet..to starve myself. I know that you have to do Optifast for a while right before the procedure, which ever one you go with. Its suppose to put you into Ketosis as we as shrink your liver, making the procedure easier.

Also, since you have to be on all liquids right after the procedure for I think a month, ( Ive read different things) I guess it gets your mind ready for that change, and sets up a level of commitment which clearly you must have in order to do this.

I'm continuing to read blogs and studies about the procedures and all roads point to GS. My only real reservation about it is if I have issues after the procedure, I will have them for the rest of my life, because you cant reverse it. Its PERMANENT.

So many risks, but so far everyone I have even mentioned this to have been so all gung-ho about it I'm almost in shock. I fell like yelling in their faces.."Don't you realize how HARD this is going to be for me!?? Don't you know what I'll be giving up? How much my life will change? How I will never EVER be able to do normal things?!! How RISKY it is? Is me being FAT REALLY THAT BIG A DEAL??!!"

I guess it is.

I'm not doing this for anyone else either, I guess I just thought someone would show signs of protest for the risk of my life alone, much less the miserable way I'll have to live afterwards where food is concerned.

I guess what I really need to focus on is the fact that Im going to have to say good-bye to food. I'm going to have to let it be a fuel and not something I enjoy, which frankly, sucks.

I keep wondering, what about my cooking? What about dinner parties? What about wine parings? These are things a truly enjoy and will miss horribly. When I lost weight on my own 11 years ago I stopped cooking. I stopped eating so I HAD to stop cooking. I imagine this will go the same way. It makes me depressed to even think about it.

Not the eating, the preparing, the serving of food. I mean cooking is something I'm GREAT at. Something Ive actually considered over and over making an actual career. Could I still do that? I don't see how.

Id like to meet a chef thats had WL surgery. That would be something.

In the mean time I'm STILL looking for a therapist, which is proving harder than I imagined. I think that therapy is going to really play a key part in any weight loss I might have whatever the method.

So we will see what happens today. Onward and upward.

Progress

Progress, how ever slow, is still just that.

After my last post I have more or less been obsessed with finding out how people have reacted to this radical surgery, and during my wanderings found a procedure that Id never heard of. The Duodenal Switch, which is like a Gastric Sleeve and a modified Bypass. The Sleeve part is where they basically cut off 3/4 of your stomach and staple it back up, boom, thats it. No rearranging the intestines, no "pouch", so far less complications to begin with, well, there are complications, just different ones I guess. THEN they take a portion of your small intestine and basically cut it off from the base of your stomach where it would normally empty into, and shorten it, making the stomach contents, which are far smaller than they used to be, dump directly into the digestive loop portion of the intestine, which cases malabsorption. Thus, the combo of the smaller stomach, which does not allow for as much food in general, and the malabsorption, which basically dumps a serious percentage of the the food that does make it down out of your body.

The good part is, of course, you lose weight. The bad part is, you have to be VERY careful to pound 40-50 pills (vitamins and supplements) a day for the rest of your life or you will literally die from malnutrition. Of course before you got to the death stage you would certainly know something was wrong, especially when your teeth and hair started to fall out.

Not a pretty picture.

The Sleeve procedure alone, however, does not touch the intestines at all, which makes for a slower, but still effective weight loss, much like the band, but there is no malabsorption. The down side is, you can gain weight back easier.I have read, however, that due to the stomach being cut to such a small size it can never be as big as it once was, so you would not be able to gain back to the weight you were. I wouldn't want to test that theory though.

The worst complications I have read about for those 2 surgeries range from not tolerating certain foods or alcohol (Boo Hiss!!!) to having a leak in the stomach after surgery causing MAJOR problems and additional surgeries.

Then again, some people have been able to eat just about anything and drink just fine, only the alcohol hits you harder and for some, goes away faster. Plus it slows, or can even stop altogether, your weight loss due to the fact that its sugar, and if your drinking your ingesting empty calories.

Ive been reading a lot about he alcohol part, knowing my love of the drink, and I feel like if the worst that happens is I cant ever drink again it wouldn't be a horrible consequence. Would I probably absolutely HATE it at first? Yes. I sometimes think that this procedure would be more successful for me if I COULDN'T drink ever again. Even if I hated it.

I love to drink...WAY too much, and even my justification of only drinking on the weekends doesn't get me around the fact that when I do drink I drink an enormous amount at one time, lately leaving me hung over all day and unable to do basic things. It also tends to be a driving factor in any social activity I might have the opportunity to attend. Basically if theres not going to be any booze, I aint going! Which, really, is not a good thing.

So part of my decision, for ANY of the surgeries out there is the no drinkie drinkie one. Because there is a possibility that my body will not allow it afterwards. Thats been something Ive read across the board with every type of surgery out there despite the fact that a friend of a friend i know apparently has no problems with it. I think its just the luck of the draw.

As far as the band and the regular bypass, thats out. After reading about the complications and the way you have to eat and drink afterwards, forever, I think not. Heres the kicker though, the Sleeve and the Duodenal Switch are only covered under my insurance if I have a BMI of 50 or more. FIFTY!!!! Ridiculous!!!

This is partly I think because its really not done as often or by as many surgeons and so its still considered to be a "new" surgery. Its been done since the mid 80's though and all the risks combined, I think its the way to go. Well, one of the 2 is anyway.

So I made phone calls. Based on my sister, Beth recommendation I started at Emory Bariatric Clinic. Its Emory after all, top notch, right? Well I guess a bunch of other people think that too since I cant even get an initial appointment until June 23rd!!! But I figured Ive waited this long, I can wait a little longer to get started. In the mean time I continued my research and thats when I came across the DS procedure. Id heard of the sleeve before and I dont think Emory even does it, so after reading about the DS I looked for a local surgeon in my area that performs it. Turns out there are only 2 in the state of Georgia!

Fortunately, one of those is very near my office, so I decided to call them and see what the deal is.

I dont know if they are less busy, but I do know Im going to an "Informative Workshop" discussing the procedures done at the hospital by this Dr. next Thursday. The conversation I had with the woman on the phone at Kennestone Hospital ( the DS place) was where I found out that my BMI needs to be 50 or higher to have Blue Cross Blue Shield Highmark cover this surgery. Im at.....(drum-roll please)...49.1. YIKES!! I thought that was bad enough but apparently Im about 8-10 lbs off to qualify.

She asked me if I was sure about my height, and I told her Id just been measured that Monday at my Drs office. She said, "now Im not telling you to lie about it, but just so you know, if you WERE 5'7", instead of 5'8", you would qualify."

(side note....apparently Im shrinking...I used to be 5'10")

She suggested that I I ask to be weighed and measured at the seminar. UGH!

Humiliation aside, Im doing it. Screw it. I figure in this adventure to come Im going to experience a LOT of humiliating moments involving weighing, measuring, and naked giggly parts being exposed to total strangers so I might as well get used to it.

Now Im left with the sinking feeling of, what if I dont qualify for the Sleeve or DS? I really dont want to get either of the other operations, but I feel like I will be giving up if I dont.

I always worry about the "what if" before there is a need to worry though, so this time Im going to try not to.

Not giving up, not stopping the process. Ive even still kept my Emory appointment just in case this one doesnt work out, just in case.

I will say reading the stories on line from people who have seriously regretted these surgeries..ALL types of them...do scare me, but I have to believe there are many more success stories out there as well. Ive seen some of those too, just freak out about the bad ones I guess.

All I know is if in a year from now I can be writing about the freakish amount of weight Ive lost since January I will be happy. Hopefully.