The seminar on the 12th was really nothing more than 5 people in a small room watching a video, then being given a packet of forms to fill out and bring back. Its taken me almost 2 weeks to get my act together enough to get the forms done, and today I'm bringing them to the office to turn in. They review the documents, evaluate, then set the first appointment, which they say takes about 2 weeks, so I will officially be in the first of my 6 month evaluation in June. Really, the timing couldn't be better since I dont want to actually have the surgery until January. I also dont want to tell my Dr that for fear he will think I'm not committed. Its not that, its just I know this is going to be a hard thing for me to deal with. No drinking, and no eating normal foods for months and over the holidays? Forget it. Not the best way to start the plan I suspect.
Im almost done with my smoking, which is good, since I filled out the forms saying Id already quit. I smoked one cigarette on Thursday night, one Friday, and one Saturday. Sunday I smoked I think 2 or 3. All while drinking so Im feeling pretty good about that.
My eating has been off the charts though. I nearly made myself sick yesterday eating frozen birthday cake. Why do I have frozen birthday cake? Well my friend Anne had a birthday last week and I had the idea to got her a cake for the pool party we had Saturday, and of course, in the back of my head, I really wanted that cake so I could have some. Boy did I!!! I scoffed 2 pieces in the kitchen when no one was looking after it had been cut, then I took home the leftovers, meaning (seriously) to give it to Beth for her boyfriend John, but she got out of the car and didnt take it, and I didnt remind her to take it. So I got home, cut half of what was left which I guess equaled a little less than 1/4 of the cake, and froze it. Frozen frosting is delicious. Reminds me of being a kid and getting Baskin Robins ice cream cakes.
I had some of it upon waking Sunday morning after "brunch", then before I went to bed I polished the rest off. Thank god Id sent the other chunk home with Beth at that point.
Its so strange to me that my craving for sweets has gotten so bad recently.
I dont know if its because Im allowing myself to have them for the first time in well, forever, without guilt, so Im going nuts, or if its something else.
I do know Ive been a cranky bitch lately. I put this down to having gone over a year and a half with no sex. I feel very unattractive and out of balance.
My body feels like all of the sudden its barreling down hill where as before I almost didnt notice the slow decline.
I know Im the heaviest ive ever been in my life, and since I felt like I needed to gain weight for the qualification of insurance for the sleeve procedure, Ive been hitting fast food and crap daily.
I was so sick of fast food that I had a salad last week for dinner and thought it was the best thing Id ever eaten!
Also, the thought of all these years constantly worrying about every bite I put in my mouth, (often eating whatever I want away then just feeling the guilt afterwards), then suddenly eating crap...a LOT of crap, on purpose, so I can GAIN 8 lbs is just hard to wrap my head around.
I still dont know if I can even qualify if I lose weight over the next 6 months. Im not sure how that works.
They say I have to have a BMI of 50 to qualify for the sleeve surgery, and my thought is, well, even if I have one now, if Im supposed to be on a supervised weight loss program for the next 6 months, isint it logical to think I will be under that at the time of the end of that period?
I guess these are questions I will have to ask my Dr when I get in for that first appointment.
I have to say, going to the little session was a little nerve racking. I felt embarrassed waling in. There was a waiting room full of fat people waiting for their own surgical miracle who all turned to look at who was coming in, and I rushed right past them. I guess thats something Im going to need to get used to. Poking, prodding, staring.
Oh, part of the paperwork required that I take a front and side view photo of myself. It actually said to wear clothing that doesnt conceal, meaning they want to see as much fat as possible. Dramatic I thought. I took my photos in my normal clothes. I look very fat, so I hope it is satisfying.
I also look 50 years old, and miserable. I didnt feel like I was frowning in them, but it looks like Im about to cry or something. I think that the fat on my face is so bad its just dragging it all down. Disgusting. Seeing them made me want to hide in my house until its all over.
Will it ever be over though?
One of the 5 people in the viewing room at the Drs office was a former bypass patient. When she said that I was visibly shocked I think. I cant understand how its possible to gain so much weight back after having this surgery. ANY of the surgeries. It appears to be though, so Ive still got my work cut out for me.
Keeping moving.
No comments:
Post a Comment