Have I hit bottom yet?
I really hope so, because if I go any deeper I don't think I'll ever get up again.
Last week work was so bad I actually had a melt down and cried in front of one of the engineers. I call him Little Napoleon. Hes short, and has a God complex. I felt like a total loser, and I'm sure that's how I look to him too.
Some of the things that are wrong with this job are my fault, I realize that. Some of it is simply that I have kind of in one way or another skated through life, always just "getting by", and here that's not possible.
Oh I have pushed the limits here for sure, and continue to, but I AM trying to do good work. If I HAVE to come here every day and face these plastic Sorority and Frat like people I at least want to do a good job.
Little Nap is a nit picky little twerp and Id like to pop his head like a zit! Superficial criticisms and picking out the tiniest flaws are his specialty. Ive also become his project I think. Not by his choice mind you, but all the same, I'm there, under his tiny plastic wing. Ugh!
So what can I do?
Well after an enormously depressing week I had a decent weekend during which I got a gift.
A book, (that by the look of it alone had to be expensive) from my girl Gwenn.
How to own and operate a successful catering business.
Its been sitting on the coffee table for almost a week now. I haven't even cracked the spine yet.
I don't know what it is about me that has always strives for the bottom rung of mediocrity but I sure am good at it!
I visited my old boss last Friday too. Quite the way to bring one of the worst weeks of my adult life to a close Id say.
I was there to help him with the tax stuff. Something Id been doing for him for 8 years, and I couldn't even get that to work!
So we talked mostly. His business is in the toilet, and although when I told him, " You have to be successful again so you can hire me back!", and he did respond," I would love that!", I could hear the insincerity in his voice.
Hes a nice man, and he didn't want to hurt my feelings, but he wants me back about as bad as a cold sore!
Nothing personal I'm sure, but I basically sucked off his teet for 8 years doing the bare minimum , and taking full advantage of his free system.
I realized when I was brooding about it on Sunday, that the time of my life when things were easy and fun is over. For good.
I'm broke, I have no savings, no extra money to even BEGIN to save, a house that's falling down around my ears that I owe more on than its worth, a shit job (even though a lot of people would love to have it), and an eating disorder that's really eating me alive.
Did I mention I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic too?
Not going more than 5 days at a time without a drink since I was about 15 pretty much tells me that I am. Maybe just the weekend binger but still. It ain't a bright future I'm staring in to.
All the talk of the book and the catering and the photography and every dream Ive ever had is just a fantasy. I cant even make myself lose 10 lousy pounds!
God I need help.
I want to get off my ass and MAKE something, ANYTHING happen. I'm so tired of looking backwards on my life and being filled with regret.
I feel like if I had someone in my life to drive me and help me move I could do it. A partner in life that motivates me and pushes me on when I don't want to go anymore.
Something Ive never had.
Can I really be that pathetic that I cant make my life better on my own?
Its probably just the one excuse I have left that I haven't used. The last card so to speak.
To my friends I'm "The Queen of Misery". To my family, what a disappointment, although they would never say it.
Please God PLEASE!!!! HELP ME TO DO SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm in the deepest rut of my life and I have no idea how to get out of it.
I really need help.
And this blog, the biggest joke of all. For no one ever reads it. No one but me, once again looking back. Nothing changes.
