Ive been going back and forth with this terrible thing inside me for so long though that I just have to let it go.
Its my sister. Well, one of them anyway. Weve had our fights before but this one Im afraid were just not going to get over.
In the past, its usually my frustration with her for one reason or another that boils over and I announce that "Im Done", which lasts for a while. A few months sometimes, but something usually brings us back together.
This time it involves her boyfriend. Someone she is so crazy about that unless they were to be apart, we will never be able to resolve things.
Its a long story, but to sum it up, he and I don't get along. To the point of screaming arguments, and I just cant take that kind of negative energy.
The funny part about it that he brow beats me about being negative. I think hes confusing negativity with living in reality. The negativity I think that's felt is perhaps my general dislike of him, and his of me.
In any case, after much heartbreaking inner struggle, I've decided to let them both go.
She sent me one email after our last blow out saying there must be a way to get past this, and I sent her one back (copying him as well) explaining the circumstances of my decision. I've had no response from her, and she is generally acting like nothing is wrong.
Unfortunately during all this my parents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, which is a wonderful thing, but we are throwing them a surprise party so we HAVE to communicate.
Its been rough. I have bitter resentment built up inside me. I feel it every time a read an email or think of them. I hate that feeling. I want so badly to be free of it, and Im working toward that goal.
Its a personal thing. I doubt she is suffering the way I am, only because Beth has the ability to dismiss things in a way that I cant.
So my goal is to branch out and start spending time with my other friends. The ones that have been neglected these past years due to my closeness with her. It was so easy with her you see. We are a lot alike, but not really in healthy ways.
Timing wise, since my goals these days are leaning more toward trying to achieve some sense of health, this is probably they best thing in the end.
It would be easier if I could assure myself of never, or at least rarely, having to deal with her again, but since shes family, AND since I've integrated her into my friend group over the years, (which now I totally regret), I will have to deal with her, AND get over my bitterness as well. No one wants to hear it.
Which brings me to another point of this story. I'm also annoyed that I feel little support from the few friends that I have told whats going on, and I'm hurt and pissed about it. I know I'm not perfect, and I know I can be annoying too, but in this case I feel so strongly that I'm right, and I'm the one that's owed an apology, that I just cant believe they don't have my back.
Also, sometimes (despite the fact that I've been in this same situation between 2 people that don't talk anymore), I resent them still being her friend. I cant help it.
BUT, because this very scenario has happened to a past friend of mine, one that couldn't let go of the fact that his ex-boyfriend was still close to most if not all of his old friends, AND that some of them actually preferred the ex's company to his, I can NOT, and WILL NOT, behave like he did.
Drunken fights and lectures to friends about how much I resent their keeping contact with Beth and John will not help my cause.
Its been very hard, but I haven't mentioned it to people much, and really only to those closest to me. Reactions have been a bit of shock over the details of the actual fight, and that's about it.
Maybe its partly because I really have announced my separation with her over and over throughout the years. Maybe its because I didn't get along with her Ex either, Robert, and for a long time my family at least kept thinking it was all me.
I feel like they probably think that this time too, even though I remind them that everything I had said about the ex Beth herself admitted to after they divorced.
Another thing that makes my blood boil I guess.
Thats part of all this too. Im TIRED of having my blood boil!! I want to live at peace and be happy. Some of it comes from within I know. My inability to let things go. But it had to start from someplace, and they are the source.
Im not saying they are horrible people. Quite the opposite. They, with each other, and freinds alike are fun and wonderful. Well, until John starts drinking that is...
In any case, I feel a little abandoned and it sucks.
God I wish I could just move away and start over!
Im so tired of going through this crap with people. I feel so trapped and have for so long.
I am trying to work on myself whether people realize it or not. Each time a cranky thought starts to bloom in my head about them I say, outloud to myself, STOP!!! I dont even want to think bad thoughts about them, I just want to LET IT GO!!!
Also, I took my first steps to mental wellness this week in a big way. I FINALLY found a therapist. I dont know how shes going to work out after only one session, but I tell you, I spilled a ton of stuff out in that fifty minutes, and walked away feeling better, so hopefully this will be exactly what I need to get my head on straight.
Actually I think Ive needed this for YEARS, and regret not trying to go sooner.
Well, no time like the present, right?
Anyway, Im trying to let go.
