Ants in my Pants!

OK, its 3 days until Gwenn gets here, well 2 really, and I'm all itching to just play!
I still have to clean my house and yard up.
I didn't get crap done this weekend due to a Saturday explosion of badness!
Long day of drinking at the pool turned into an even longer night of all kinds of fun but exhausting things.

Speaking of...I just don't get men.

I'm on the J train again and I'm just not sure how to handle things with him.
I mean, I know he likes me. Its not all drunk calls and texts. He actually contacts me during WORK hours, so I KNOW hes sober then!!
Listen to how bad that sounds! I'm so used to men taking advantage of me just because they are inebriated that I actually expect it!
Well, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt this time, and I hope I'm not sorry.

I'm not sorry about being with him...yet...I just want it to work out for once with us. I just want a chance to see how it might be.

I know also that when we were together years ago I was 85 lbs thinner than I am right now, and even though he says it doesn't matter to him, that's the one thing I'm really wondering about.
Is this about to be another Muffin story where he likes being with me in the physical, head banging against the headboard way, but cant handle his friends knowing about me? Cause I cant.... I WONT.. do that again.
Ive met a few of his friends, and a few others Ive known in a distant way for as long as Ive known him, which is going on 10 years now.
I know they know he and I have been together, I just don't know if they know about anything recent.

The fat girl paranoia is always present.

Does he really like me? Or is this just a booty call?

Is he going to call? Should I call him? ...* pick up the phone*..I don't want to bug him or make him think I'm chasing him...* put the phone down*...

Am I nuts to be doing this to myself with him...AGAIN??!!

I miss him though, and we really are good together..well in one room of the house anyway.

To bad every day life cant be a good roll in the hay!!

I will say this about him too. Unlike the Hot Barback..or even The Muffin, J doesn't make me feel uncomfortable about my body. I mean hes hot! Just as hot as Muffin or Barback in his own J way!
Strong body, lots of tats, aggressive in nature, sexy eyes, handsome face. Great big beautiful......teeth!

Maybe because Ive known him so long already, or maybe because he just makes me feel good. I don't know what it is exactly but theres something there I don't have when I'm with Barback, or even when I was with Muffin.
Its like hes a great friend I can hang with and have fun with, but be close to in other ways as well. IF he will just make that move.

Frustrating.

I asked the advice of a guy. "What should I do?"
he said,"do whatever you feel like you want to do."

Men....humph!!

Out of the Hole

No entries all week because actually nothing much to say.
I didn't exercise again all week despite my intentions to each day. I didn't eat terribly though ( until last night) so I was losing weight anyway, ( until last night).

My friend Gwenn is coming to visit me in a week and I was really hoping to be down ...well now its back up to 17 lbs... from where I was. Ugh.

I was reading another blogger ( the Tippy Toe Diet...very good by the way) and there was an entry about going down a road, falling into a hole, and not getting out, then doing the same thing over and over but eventually getting out, then taking a new road entirely to avoid the hole altogether.
I was on that new road once and it seems I am having a great deal of trouble finding it again.
Who knows if I ever will.
I know I'm better than I used to be. Maybe that's a step. Maybe because I'm not so hard core about it this time I just don't see my progress.

Maybe I'm making excuses and need to get off my fat ass and out of the damn hole!!!

Friday, again...

So its Friday again and Ive had a miserable week. Well, sort of. I mean Wednesday sucked. Really sucked.
But, in the afternoon 2 things happened that cheered me up. One, I got an order of clothing in which almost everything I got fit. If you've ever tried to buy decent looking clothing as a fat person you know the elation of finding clothing that is at least close to updated styles as well as fitting.
Second, I got a call from the Hot Baraback. First one since December.
Hes supposed to be calling me tonight. Bootie call...almost certainly, so Ive already got my plan ready.
I'm going to be busy. Monumentally busy all weekend.
I'm making him wait for me for a bit.
See Ive been wanting this opportunity for months now but I thought he'd just totally lost interest. Well I guess I am probably last on his bootie list, but in any case, I ain't givin it up this time!!
Bad thing is I really want to! Hes gorgeous, sexy and well lets face it..hes great in well...you know.
Seriously, in my experience nothing makes me feel as good as I do when I'm getting attention from a good looking guy.
Self esteem issues anyone?
In any case we'll see. Watch, I'll be all waiting for the opportunity to turn him down and he wont call me!
UGH!

The weight this week has stabilized I guess. I swear theres a big fat wall in my brain and my body saying GO NO FURTHER!!!

I'm just not trying hard enough. I know it.

Oh why couldn't I have been born like most people out there that don't have to struggle so with weight? Seriously...I could have been a midget..or have a deformity, or be butt ass ugly..but if I was thin Id get along better in life even if I was the most disfigured person in the world.
No one called the Elephant Man fat pig. No one shunned him because he was different...well, OK that's not true..they were terrible to him. And no I don't think Id prefer to look like him vs be fat and look like me.
I just need something. Something to fill the void so I can move past this vast, seemingly unreachable yet so close goal. Were talking 10 lbs here to be a few lbs past my wall, and for the life of me I fail myself every turn.

Maybe this weekend will be better.

Shock value

Well not only did I NOT break my barrier but as of this morning I'm back up 6 lbs. I hate my crazy weight crap.
And as if to add insult to injury last night I was looking over some video footage from a party I had at my house a few weeks ago and I was caught on camera. I look gross.

Ive been complaining for a while now that people keep mistaking me for a woman in town that's very heavy and has similar hair. I know I'm big but I look at her at think....not THAT big.
Apparently I am or people wouldn't be making this mistake over and over.

The video footage not only confirmed that but I think I actually look bigger than her. My face is drowning in a pool of lard. What I think it a bit of a figure is a ball of fat. I look like I waddle when I walk.
And I wonder why I have a hard time with men? HA!

What I wonder is why cant I see this when I look in the mirror? I see other people on the film and they all look like they do normally so I must look like that too.
I'm not saying that I am unaware of how heavy I am, because I get it. What I'm saying I guess is that being this way for so long, you get used to it and forget just how shocking it really is.

Seriously, last night after looking at that I wanted to crawl into my bed and never get out. I felt defeated. Every bit of self confidence Ive been building was gone. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to go out and play with my friends anymore. I don't want to be seen in public.
In fact, I feel very foolish for being out like I have been feeling so good about myself.
I feel foolish for flirting with guys. I feel like I need to just hibernate and die.

Worst of all I feel like I'm stuck here and I'll never get out.
I'm trying so hard to find the inspiration I know I need to have in order to really make this work. You would think seeing that video would be enough. It is and its not. Looking at it makes me feel so defeated and overwhelmed. I look impossibly fat. I am impossibly fat.
I'm so fat I look like my skin is just swollen, and if you poked me with a pin Id explode.

I know I have to keep trying because if I don't I'll be like this forever. Part of me feels like I'm going to be this way forever anyway so why not enjoy myself. But I'm so sick of food being my only enjoyment. I wish I never had to eat food again. Why cant they invent a way to just NOT EAT.

Whatever, I guess I don't have anything else to say today.

The Rare Saturday Entry

I don't usually do this on the weekends but when I weighed myself this morning I was 2 lbs away from breaking a HUGE barrier that I've been sitting on for over 2 years. If I can make it through this I feel like I will FINALLY be on my way again.

Pray for me!

Cinco de Mayo!

Well, not yet, but close.
This is going to be a great weekend. I can just tell!

I have pool plans already for Sunday, and I think I'm going out this evening for a bit too. Saturday will be a calm day of yard / house work and movie night.
Monday maybe do pool again after work at moms house, or maybe head back to Decatur for a little Cinco de Mayo celebration.
That's pretty much a great weekend for me.
I don't require much to be happy.
I do admit a little boy time would make it PERFECT, but guess ya cant have everything...unless your Paris Hilton.......skinny bitch......( no no...I'm not bitter...)

One thing I must do this weekend is stay on track. As of today Ive dropped another 2 lbs this week and I REALLY want to at least keep it off over the weekend. I hate getting back on the scale Monday and Tuesday and seeing it go back up...knowing the cause is my slackness and overindulgence over the weekend.

Well, we'll see. You know what they say about that road to hell....