Shock value

Well not only did I NOT break my barrier but as of this morning I'm back up 6 lbs. I hate my crazy weight crap.
And as if to add insult to injury last night I was looking over some video footage from a party I had at my house a few weeks ago and I was caught on camera. I look gross.

Ive been complaining for a while now that people keep mistaking me for a woman in town that's very heavy and has similar hair. I know I'm big but I look at her at think....not THAT big.
Apparently I am or people wouldn't be making this mistake over and over.

The video footage not only confirmed that but I think I actually look bigger than her. My face is drowning in a pool of lard. What I think it a bit of a figure is a ball of fat. I look like I waddle when I walk.
And I wonder why I have a hard time with men? HA!

What I wonder is why cant I see this when I look in the mirror? I see other people on the film and they all look like they do normally so I must look like that too.
I'm not saying that I am unaware of how heavy I am, because I get it. What I'm saying I guess is that being this way for so long, you get used to it and forget just how shocking it really is.

Seriously, last night after looking at that I wanted to crawl into my bed and never get out. I felt defeated. Every bit of self confidence Ive been building was gone. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to go out and play with my friends anymore. I don't want to be seen in public.
In fact, I feel very foolish for being out like I have been feeling so good about myself.
I feel foolish for flirting with guys. I feel like I need to just hibernate and die.

Worst of all I feel like I'm stuck here and I'll never get out.
I'm trying so hard to find the inspiration I know I need to have in order to really make this work. You would think seeing that video would be enough. It is and its not. Looking at it makes me feel so defeated and overwhelmed. I look impossibly fat. I am impossibly fat.
I'm so fat I look like my skin is just swollen, and if you poked me with a pin Id explode.

I know I have to keep trying because if I don't I'll be like this forever. Part of me feels like I'm going to be this way forever anyway so why not enjoy myself. But I'm so sick of food being my only enjoyment. I wish I never had to eat food again. Why cant they invent a way to just NOT EAT.

Whatever, I guess I don't have anything else to say today.