Well today is my first day to go back to the gym. The place I had so much success in and worked so hard in. I joined yesterday. Going back in was familiar and felt good. I poked my head in the work out room and it all looked the same accept for a few welcome additions of newer treadmills and more elliptical machines. The same Cybex equipment as before.
All in all it feels like coming home.
No, I wont be going in the morning like I used to go but I think I will be able to sway myself to go in the afternoon. ( picture to the left is me at my thinnest..ignore wobbly arms..thats what happens when you drop 185 lbs! I was in the best shape of my life!!)
I think something that happened to me this week has made my mind up.
I have been talking to The Cowboy again, ( after the lie thing passed over I started talking to him again) and at first it was all OK but now I'm rethinking it..again.... See hes a very negative person in general.
Almost every day theres another thing he's depressed about, or complaining about. 2 days ago we got to talking about food, fitness and well being in general and he was all offended that:
A. Most of the men Ive dated in the past have been thin ( because hes not)
B. That I'm actually concerned with what I put in my mouth ( no comment from the peanut gallery there!)
C. That I like exercise and although I don't want to say my goal is to be thin, I do want to be HEALTHY.
I mean the man wont eat anything if its not meat or bread and probably fried!
Also, when I chat with him on line its during the day, while I'm at work. He works nights or weekends most of the time ( hes a DJ) but it seems like his best day is laying around doing NOTHING! It just grosses me out!!
Then he said something that got to me in a good and bad way. He said "Your the only heavy woman I know that eats like a skinny girl." He also made a comment about a picture he'd seen of me from when I was thinner. ( see below) He said when
he saw that he figured I wouldn't like him. All in all it feels like coming home.
No, I wont be going in the morning like I used to go but I think I will be able to sway myself to go in the afternoon. ( picture to the left is me at my thinnest..ignore wobbly arms..thats what happens when you drop 185 lbs! I was in the best shape of my life!!)
I think something that happened to me this week has made my mind up.
I have been talking to The Cowboy again, ( after the lie thing passed over I started talking to him again) and at first it was all OK but now I'm rethinking it..again.... See hes a very negative person in general.
Almost every day theres another thing he's depressed about, or complaining about. 2 days ago we got to talking about food, fitness and well being in general and he was all offended that:
A. Most of the men Ive dated in the past have been thin ( because hes not)
B. That I'm actually concerned with what I put in my mouth ( no comment from the peanut gallery there!)
C. That I like exercise and although I don't want to say my goal is to be thin, I do want to be HEALTHY.
I mean the man wont eat anything if its not meat or bread and probably fried!
Also, when I chat with him on line its during the day, while I'm at work. He works nights or weekends most of the time ( hes a DJ) but it seems like his best day is laying around doing NOTHING! It just grosses me out!!
Then he said something that got to me in a good and bad way. He said "Your the only heavy woman I know that eats like a skinny girl." He also made a comment about a picture he'd seen of me from when I was thinner. ( see below) He said when
That DID insult me! I thought, OK so you think just because Ive gained some weight that I'm going to lower my standards?
All this has changed my opinion of him and made what I thought was an attractive guy not so much anymore.
OK, now I know I do enjoy a day on the sofa drinking cocktails and watching movies...guilty pleasure...but I DO NOT do that every day and I do like exercise!
If I sit on my lardy butt every day at work, then go home and do the same thing I feel bad...just bad.
I'm not saying that has not been my pattern of behavior for a while now, but that's all about to change, and its never been something I'm proud of.
Maybe hearing him spout off about that made me click with the idea that I have got to get off my butt. Maybe its that sometimes I remind myself of a friend I used to have that would sleep all day either on the sofa or in her bed, and was grossly obese.
I don't talk to her anymore and haven't seen her since I was thinner, and I have a huge fear of running into her now that I'm heavy again.
I remember a while back thinking that my behavior was reminding me of her and it made me sick.
I'm not bashing her...just that behavior because at the time I was SO active and trying SO hard to lose weight. I was obsessed. Maybe too much, and that's not my goal this time.
My goal is to be healthy and happy.
Ive got the happy part. Just need the healthy part.
Wish me luck!!!
This is me last August at the beach..Id be the fat one on the left....lets see if that image is different this time next year shall we?
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