New Week New Attitude?

OK so I threw myself a pitty party last week, and now I feel better. Am I happy that I now know for sure that I will be fat forever and any weight loss I have will come with more hard work that a "normal" person and never be enough to be considered "normal"?
No. but its not the end of the world.
It sucks but Ive lived this way for so long I really dont know anything else anyway.
My only real wish is that people I dont know, and even the ones I DO know for that matter would understand how hard I really do try and not think Im sitting around stuffing myself with chocolate every day.
Im not a perfect eater for sure but I do try hard enough that if I were a "normal" person I'd be dropping weight like crazy.

Anyway, I am not normal and apparently never will be so thats that.

I havent lost sight of my dreams though, I'm just going to have to figure out how to achieve them and still be fat.
I always said to myself, I'll do this or that when I lose weight, and I know Ive talked about this before, but I really do HAVE to figure out how to DO things now and not wait.

Maybe Ive used being fat as an excuse for too long. I mean like it or not thin..or even chubby people really do NOT know what I mean when I talk about my fears of doing things. And sorry Tyra Banks, putting on a fat suit for a day doesnt make you qualified to judge either. My suit wont come off, and I probably exercise more than anyone I know other than my sister but I still am this way.
I go up and down. Gaining and losing the same 15 lbs week after week, never breaking that magic number.

Im not giving up on being healthy just have to make myself be happy the way I am.

Its a very hard thing to do let me tell ya. Everyone and everything around me screams that Im a freak of nature and totally unacceptable in society because of my weight. So how strong do I have to be to keep those screams out? Stronger than I am Im afraid. At least right now.
Im trying to stay positive about this and just concentrate on my day to day routine. Exercising and letting that make me feel good. W
hat I really want to do is chuck it all , EAT like a FAT person and become one of those bed ridden super obese people that you see on TV. Lolling around in a super King sized bed for the rest of their lives. Unable to move and having to be helped just to roll over.

OK no, not really...I would rather be dead than that bad off.
I cant run very easily but I can walk fast, and I can swim and ride a bike.
I can lift weights and do squats on my ever creaking knees.
I can do all these things and feel very good about myself for doing them, so thats what I'll keep doing.
I will not be the super obese person in the bed forever waiting to die alone.

Wish me luck.