Day one?

SO this afternoon is my appointment with the shrink for an "evaluation". Ive been going over in my head what I am going to say to this man and I come up with all kinds of things but I'm not even sure if were even going to that place today.

As far as I know I'm just going to be figuring out what kind of help / Dr. I need.

I asked for a female but this guy was the only one available in the time frame I can do so I'm stuck for now.

I don't know what it is about me and male doctors of any kind. I just don't feel comfortable with them. Maybe it was the bad experience with Dr. Frenchie so long ago, but I think not.

I think I'm self conscious with any male figure no matter what the genre. I'm always thinking about what they are thinking about me. This runs from young kids to old men. I am always thinking about what mental judgements they are passing on me when they look at me.

Hey, maybe that's where we should start today!!

I'M not sure if I'm even going to be able to afford to keep going and I sure don't know how Id explain it to my parents, ( who of course are paying the bill).

They think I'm going to my regular Dr. today. This is something I've been putting off too.

I HATE going to the yearly womens Dr visit. I MEAN I HATE HATE HATE IT!



I cry every time. I get so nervous that my blood pressure is through the roof and this year I'm particularly worried because not only have I been having female problems, but I'm afraid when they weigh me the insurance company will drop me.

Last year when I went it was my first visit with this insurance where they weighed me and the girl wrote my weight down wrong by 100lbs. I didn't bother to correct her.

Maybe she looked at the scale and it was so much it just didn't register in her head.

In any case I'm scared that when they get the correct weight Kaiser will drop me, or hike my rate up so high I cant afford to pay it.
I don't pay it now actually, my parents do, but I cant ask them to pay even more. Its already over $200 a month.

Crazy.

Health insurance in America is a bitch.

I went without it for years, and only got it 3 years ago but now I'm afraid not to have it.

As I get older and my body begins to show the damage Ive inflicted on it over the years I'm afraid I will really need it one day and I wont have it because I'm fat.

Last winter I was devastated to find out Kaiser doesn't cover weight loss surgery of any kind, and on top of that I couldn't get coverage from another carrier....even when i lied about my actual weight.

Anyway, I hope it all turns out well this afternoon, but I'm not getting my hopes up. My dealings with the medical community thus far in my life have never been very good.

I guess what I'm looking to get out of this is the ability to love myself the way I am, because its pretty obvious that this is the way I'm going to be, or at least close to it...for the rest of my life, and I'm sick of being sick of ME.