Slob!

I have officially been a lazy slob for 2 weeks. Eating out of control, drinking too much and not going to the gym.
Ive packed my bag today as usual and have every intention of going to the gym after work. Will I make it? I hope I don't crap out.
I cant understand why I allow myself to give up when I know it makes me feel better. Im just so tired.

Last night while trying to sleep I was thinking to myself that bypass or lap band surgery might be my only hope, which is totally hopeless because my insurance company does cover any type of weight loss surgery.
I'm fucked.
When I think of it in these terms I get very depressed, so I try not to think of it, but its always looming out there really.
So what do I do? How do I help myself? I know what to do and how to do it I just cant seem to MAKE myself stick with it long enough to do any good.
I'm also trying very hard to be as positive as I can be about myself but its hard to maintain that all the time.

Right now I feel very sleepy.
I could crawl up in bed and just sleep.

Wouldn't I be lucky if I could find a job sleeping? That's it. Just put me in a coma and hook me up to a dream machine where in my mind I'm living a free and fun life...and married to Brad Pitt...

You know what, right now Id be so ashamed of my looks if I ever actually had the opportunity to meet that man that Id probably hide and not let him see me.
That's not positive thinking, but its true.

I remember a couple of years ago my sister Elise getting mad at me for not wanting to go someplace with her because I was in shorts. I was in a car with her and our friend Nancy at the beach and we were taking a joyride in Nancy's hot red Mustang convertible.
Id been talked into going at the last minute and had not changed out of my shorts that I reside in 24/7 at the beach ( unless being forced to go out in public)
On the way back to the house they decided we should go get wings and beer at a local bar. I of course said no way and my sister thought I was being ridiculous.
I remember her saying .."Becky, your not a monster!" but that's how I feel a lot of times.
Like the Grendel in Beowulf. The hulking green beast everyone stares at and is afraid of knowing because it LOOKS so frightening.

Society is a cruel bitch a lot of times and until you walk in my shoes you can not imagine how bad it gets.

Not feeling sorry for myself.
I'm mad and disappointed in myself and frustrated that I don't follow through with things. I feel like I'm just always going to be running in this terrible circle and never getting anywhere.
What do I do?