On my own

For a long time now, actually forever I guess, Ive felt like I'm essentially on my own. Like all the relations I have in my life are temporary ( other than my family...well until they die of course) .

When I was growing up I moved around all over the place. My dad was in the Army and we usually were not in one place for longer than a year or two. Consequently my friend making skills were never developed very well.
I usually would attach myself to one person, and maybe have a few others on the fringes. Thinking back though, something always happened to mess things up. Id say or do something "wrong" and that would turn everyone against me.
I think this is where I developed an addiction for food.
No matter what was going on in my life that's the one thing that would always be there for me.

Comforting, soothing, private, mine. Something no one could take away from me.

When my family finally settled here in Georgia I was in the 6th grade. I was already pretty chubby...(well more than chubby but Id been that way so long I didn't even realize just how big I was) and did not make friends easily.
There was one person that I met, however that I ended up sticking with for about 20 years. ( As it turned out this person was not a good person at all, and as I figured out later in life kept me away from others, used me and everyone else he came across, is a liar and a theif...nice huh)
He was just as much of an outcast as I was, and together we grew up ( I grew OUT as well) and pretty much kept to ourselves. I would try here and there to make more friends but E ( we'll call him that) would always find some reason to push any outsiders aside so it was just him and I again.
I always longed to be in a group. I associated that with being normal. Being Popular.

Even today..at 36 years old I find myself feeling like that 12 year old kid trying to make and keep friends...wanting to be well liked..popular.

When E moved to Miami at the age of 21 ( I was 19) I thought my life was over. I had no one to talk to anymore and I felt like I was going to die.
What I did instead was gain about 70 lbs in 6 months.
I started to not leave the house. I quit my job, stopped going to school, and eventually with the help of my sister
( who I love but is in her own way quite happy to keep me fat and alone...this way you see I will never leave her) gained even more weight.
She moved in with me and I became a virtual shut in. Why did I need to gout at all? I had my sister . All I had to do was call her at work and ask her to bring me things and *POUF* I had anything I could shove down my throat. She never denied me a thing
.
I don't blame her mind you. She did what I asked is all.

Eventually she started dating a man, and WE ended up moving into his house. It was the perfect little family. I lived in the basement and they lived upstairs. I cooked delicious meals for the family and she kept the lord and master happy in other ways.
But I was lonely, and still wanted to have my dream of a life with friends...maybe even a man...someone to love..someone to love me.
Eventually I did manage to start getting out. It started slow, but then exploded into a series of several years of practically living in a local bar up the street, which is where I met most of the friends I now have today....( well HAD I guess)

I have had a pretty good core group of friends for about 7 or 8 years now. Not that long when you consider that I'm heading toward 37 years old! I find it pretty poignant that the one real moment in my life that I lost a bunch of weight was when I really developed friendships that lasted more than 6 months or a year.
This process also estranged my sister and I. During the time I lost all the weight I stopped cooking for the family and stared to do things completely on my own with all my new friends. Eventually I moved out of the basement and on my own, which also proved to be a test of my friendships as well as my weight.

Ive said over and over again how great these people are. How they would just do anything for me and are so supportive. This is of course as long as you follow the rules.....wait, no this is if I follow the rules. It seems they only apply to me.

During the time that Ive known these good folks Ive had a few moments where I screwed up and pretty much everyone shunned me, only to come back around in 6 months and graciously forgive me for my never ending ability to mess things up.
Sometimes I genuinely deserved the punishment, and sometimes I thought I was unfairly prosecuted, but when I stood up for myself I was made to feel wrong and stupid.
My words cut off and stomped on like they had no baring on anything.

No one is perfect, and I know of many indiscretions that others have done in my group, but for some reason I'm the only one that gets kicked in the ass for it, even when I believe that Ive really done nothing wrong.

Whats good for the geese ( them) is definitely not good for the gander (me).
So this leaves me wondering...was I better off alone? Was I better off before I met these fine folks?
No, I don't think so, not entirely, but I also don't think I need to have anyone standing over me in constant judgement.
I say it again, no one is perfect.
Why does my life fall apart when certain people in the group get mad at me? What the hell am I so worried about? If I'm actually RIGHT .....SCREW THEM!!!! And lets be fair, I can't ALWAYS be wrong can I?

So I had these thoughts last night as I was straining for sleep. I'm tired. I'm very very tired of always trying to be something in the eyes of people that I will obviously never be able to live up to. I even feel like the one who I call my best BEST friend sometimes wishes very much that I would just disappear.

I feel terrified. I feel like I'm on my own. I know I will come away from this latest scandal with a few survivors but I feel like I need to just go ahead and walk away. Why bother with this whole social thing if all you end up getting is a kick in the teeth? In this town, if a few key players kick you off their team your through in everyones eyes.

I don't want to turn to food right now. I want to think I can survive this while still being on the ball..( the exercise ball that is) but I have already skipped my work out for the last 2 mornings.
Its very hard not to turn to the one thing that's always been there. It doesn't FEEL wrong.

What Id like to do right now is go home ( I'm at work) drink beer all day and eat anything I can get my hands on while watching sad movies.

This is a bad sign.

I wish my friend Anne was here. Shes currently traveling in South America. ( see link on this blog)
That girl is the most inspiring genuine person Ive ever met.
She recognizes that she has faults of her own and doesn't throw out blanket judgement. She also swims against the strongest current. Shes truly her own person.
*cheers to you Anna Banana!!!* ( sipping green tea)

I guess I don't picture myself ever being as alone as I was years ago, but I also wonder if I'm ever going to really have a friend / relationship with someone that I know no matter what I do ( short of killing someone of course!) will hear me before passing judgement, and be forgiving of even my worst mistakes. I'd like to think my friendship is worth the occasional forgiveness we all, at times require.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I really am a selfish worthless person and that's what has always kept me from having this relationship with people. (I am the Devil!! * poking people in the butt with large pitchfork*)

I wish I knew.

For now, I'm going to just try and stay away.