Ahhh Valentines Day. A "holiday" invented by the greeting card industry to remind us all how much we are loved *insert sappy music here*...or NOT loved, alone, and pathetic. I myself have never had a Valentine, and every year when this day comes around I usually pout and brood over the fact that I'm always alone and no one loves me. WAAAHHH!!
Two years ago on this day my long lost love proposed to his now lovely wife...who by the way is NOT me! *pout*
For anonymity I will refer to him as The Muffin from now on....he will be mentioned again I feel sure.
A little Muffin History: We had a "Thing" back in 2001 for a few months. This was before Id started to gain my weight back, but I still was not thin and he literally told me one day that he couldn't handle me the way I was.."in public". In bed..sure...GREAT in fact, but not with his friends. Hes in a band you see, and that just wouldn't do.... oh my no. Long, sad, tormented story made not so short, we remained friends (after a 6 month period where he wouldn't talk to me at all) and now years later we are close friends, and he confides in me about almost everything. Even things about his lovely wife. She IS lovely by the way...bitch...no not really...I wish I could say she was a horrible person but shes actually great. Of course she is! Shes with the Muffin!!
I was at work the next day when my boss came bounding in asking where The Muffin was because the night before he was going to propose. I was shocked beyond my senses.
I was sitting at my desk staring at the computer and felt my throat tighten up. I couldn't breathe. How could this be? He didn't even tell me! I thought we told each other everything! And besides...he CANT marry HER because I LOVE HIM!!!
I left the office and walked behind the building just in time because suddenly I had no control. I began to cry.
I'm talking the kind of crying that is so horrific that you cant breathe. I called my best friend but couldn't speak accept to scream and hyperventilate. He was out of town ( nice timing when I'm falling apart!! but who knew this would happen??)
I left a message which he couldn't understand, and when he finally called me back he thought maybe my dog had died because he couldn't think of anything that would upset me so much.
I felt terrible. My life was over. Later that morning The Muffin called me and told me himself. I could tell in his voice, in his hesitation, that he knew somewhere inside this was going to hurt.
I acted like I didn't know and congratulated him. I had to keep going to the bathroom to hide my tears all morning at work, until I finally left early because I thought I was going to be sick.
The Muffin will never know how much I felt like my world had ended that day. You see up until then I really thought maybe one day, when I got my weight under control, that he would accept me and we would be together.
Anyway, after going out and getting massively drunk, missing work the following day and seriously considering quitting my job so I never had to see him again...( did I mention we work together so I see him almost every friggin day??!!) I picked up my shattered heart and went on. We all have to, right?
Since then I have dated 3 people, all of which I never really liked nor was remotely attracted to. None of which lasted more than a month. I actually was considering dumping all of them within a week of the start, but in the spirit of trying I went on.
I think Ive been trying to just BE with someone to fill that void that The Muffin left so wounded and so so deep.
The funny thing is, in the last few years Ive begun to develop this life where I really don't want men around that much. I mean sure, a little snuggle and shag now and then is nice, but then I want to be left alone. I figure either I really am becoming a cold hard bitch or Ive honed what I want in a man down to such a specific thing that no one lives up to it enough to have them around for more than an hour or so before they are driving me crazy.
I mean the last guy I dated this past fall...whew! What a piece of work he was! Nice, sweet..not so cute but I tried to "like him for who he was" ( and help him in the grooming department as much as I could) but it turned out who he was, is an overwhelming sapp of a guy that was SO all in my space that even when I told him...no YELLED at him to leave me alone he would just smile and keep right on comin' !!! * shiver* eeeeww...I get all icky feeling when I think of the way he used to just paw all on me all the time! Ugh. *shake it off!*
Well I suppose if it was the "right" guy I wouldn't mind so much, but until then I really must stop dating these pathetic souls that have no spine or personality...not to mention no ability in the *ahem* luv department! That's the worst! I mean at least if Id been able to get a little something out of it physically I might have been able to stand the rest for a little while. Oh well, a girl has to have her standards!!
So this Valentines Day Ive decided to be happy for me. I'm doing so great and Ive never been happier with ME!! ME!! ME!! Fat or thin, today I'm in love with ME and no one else!
( I say this as I peer over my desk and see The Muffin bending over to measure something...*drooling*)
Sorry...temporary insanity.
Good Quote for the week:"If it's not hunger, food won't fix it."
Goals for this week: don't go out drinking with the peeps,( I'm being tempted already today MUST BE STRONG!!) eat well, don't go over my WW points, work out 5 mornings ( 3 down 2 to go whoo hoo!) and 2 afternoons, ( 1 down 1 to go!)
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